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Tag Archives: Bill Clinton

On Friendship

18 Monday Mar 2013

Posted by Smaktakula in True-Ass Tales

≈ 34 Comments

Tags

Bill Clinton, cannabis, dope, fraternities, friendship, grass, hemp, marijuana, miss you Joe!, pledging, pot, reefer, sweet sweet cheeba, Tardsie's True-Ass Tales, the Big Chill, weed, Why am I so old?, xenophobia

By Tardsie

And A Little Gay If The Ponies Are To Be Believed.

I believe that friendship is important. It’s soul-affirming. A bad friendship is like a bad relationship–you’re better off not having it at all. But a good friendship is a powerful thing, and can help keep your ship afloat on rocky seas. I’ve been very lucky to have wonderful friends–dudes who have always accepted me for who I am (while mocking me for the same reason), who have loved me and seen me through some rough patches sandwiched in between a lot of kick-ass times. All this for a guy with as many faults as I have. Truly, I am not worthy.

On Wednesday, five of us gathered in LA for an impromptu remembrance of our friend Joe who died earlier this month. Of the four other guys, I’d seen three of them within the past six months. One guy I hadn’t seen in almost seventeen years, although it didn’t seem like that long. The last time we had all been together Bill Clinton had been president, and we were a pack of pot-smoking do-nothings with our whole lives ahead of us. Now we were pot-smoking do-nothings with families, careers and crow’s-feet. I haven’t laughed that hard in a long time, and I laugh a lot.

It Was A Lot Like This, But With Better Music.

Being in the rejuvenating presence of such wonderful friends got me thinking about the bonds and boundaries of friendship, and how sometimes the tiniest things can make or break a friendship. It took me back to my junior year of college to a time when, through a mutual association, I’d met and become fast friends with a freshman who had started hanging out with our group, fitting in easily.

It was assumed this kid would pledge my fraternity. He had expressed interest, and was well-liked not only by myself but by many of the other members. But there was a snag. His older sister, who had just broken up with an alumnus from my fraternity, turned suddenly against us, and began to exert heavy pressure on her brother to join a different frat. He was conflicted: the other frat seemed to better represent the kind of guy he was coming out of high school (think the Omegas from Animal House), but he had so many promising friendships among us and just seemed to fit better.

I knew this was going on, and while I very much wanted him to come with us, I’d seen potential brothers scared away by the hard-sell, so I tried to express my opinions only when asked. I got that opportunity one day when we were hanging out.

“Hey,” he asked me one day, with no artifice, but definitely some trepidation, “If I pledge {Clan Douchebag}, we’ll still be friends, right?”

I Wouldn’t Even Be Able To Look At You The Same Way, Bro.

I looked at him seriously and said, “No. Not like we are now.” I could see he was a little stunned, and I could definitely understand, having been a freshman once.  I explained that if he joined the other frat, we’d try to be friends, but that our two very different circles would intersect but rarely, and that usually, those meetings were acrimonious. As painful as it was, I told him that his choice might very well dictate the future of our blossoming friendship.

It Is The Natural Way Of Things, My Child.

I’ve lived a long time since then and learned a lot more about what it means to be a friend. I wonder: If that young man had asked me the same question today, what would I tell him? Gatherings like the one I just attended inevitably bring to mind not only who is there present among the gathered, but also, far more poignantly–who isn’t there who maybe should be.

And so I think of that long-ago kid with whom I had such a great rapport and with whom I took such an implacable stance with my friendship. I wonder how things might have happened differently. And sometimes, I wonder what that kid is doing now.

When I do, I usually just call him. He’s one of the guys I saw on Wednesday, and whom I see pretty regularly. We were each in the other’s weddings, and I’m godfather to his son. We’re the best of friends to this day.

When faced with that long-ago choice, he totally made the right one. Keep your friends close, and don’t have enemies if you can help it.

Everyone Seen Here Made The Right Choice.

Headlines: In Fact, Yes We Did

10 Thursday Jan 2013

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Cinema, Crime, Culture, Entertainment, Headlines, History, Music, News, Politics, Science, Sport, Stupidity

≈ 33 Comments

Tags

Alabama, Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, cannabis, China, cocaine, coke, don't hate us because we're ignorant, dope, drugs, Ellen DeGeneres, fun with stereotypes, gay people, has-beens, headlines, hemp, HIV, India, Kirstie Alley, Lady Gaga, leukemia, marijuana, Mark Hamill, merry widows, Nazis, NFL, Pakistan, Pittsburgh Pirates, places that suck, pot, prostitution, reefer, Rolling Stones, Space Shuttle Endeavour, sweet sweet cheeba, weed

By Smaktakula

“Yes, Bonnie–Mr. Clinton Is Aware Of Your Article. But The Former President Is A Very Busy Man, And We All Think It’s Best If Maybe You Don’t Call Any More.”

In which we comment on the headlines of the day without bothering to read the articles.

***

Are You Coddling Your Grandkids? ~ If you’re not, then you’re a lousy fucking grandparent.

Survey: Chinese Opinions of Obama, U.S. Slipping ~ That’s got to be paraphrased. We challenge you to find a Chinese person who can correctly pronounce the English word ‘slipping.’

Fighting Boredom, Not the Nazis ~ Sure–it’s a lot less lethal for one thing.

India Is Becoming Pakistan ~ Do you mean that India is only pretending to be a US ally and that portions of its intelligence service are actively working to thwart Western aims? Or did you just mean that it’s crowded and smelly? Because that’s not news.

Why I Married a Black Woman ~ It’s a pretty safe bet that anything we come up with will be countered with a swift and unequivocal “OH NO YOU DI’NT!”

But We Didn’t Say Anything! We Just . . . Aw, We’re Fucked, Aren’t We?

Can Robots Bring Manufacturing Jobs Back? ~ For robots, yes.

Men who weren’t strong as boys are more likely to die young as adults: study ~ So weaker specimens are less likely to survive into adulthood? Has anyone told Charles Darwin about this?

HIV helps put girl’s leukemia in remission ~ Hooray?

NFL retirees more likely to have depression and cognitive problems, brain study … ~ And it’s not because they were sad, boring turds to start out with?

Learn Why Her Husband’s Death Convinced Linda to Retire Early ~ Because the sudden loss at last brought home to her the beautiful fragility of every human life, and taught Linda that to truly be alive, one must truly live. That and the massive insurance payout.

Which Is Why We Refuse To Buy Life Insurance. Our Loved Ones Shouldn’t Be Subjected To That Kind Of Temptation.

Humans Said Cheese 7500 Years Ago ~ According to Dictionary.com, the word appeared sometime around 1000 CE, so somebody’s lying.

Delayed 911 response a matter of geography and jurisdictions ~ Meaning, if you live in the ‘hood, better put some ice on that. It might take a while.

Prosecutors: Redmond man caught on tape raping dogs ~ The perp claims that the sex was consensual, and that when he asked the bitch how she liked it, she said ‘rough.’

Call Girl Culture: High-priced prostitution one of Hollywood’s dirty little secrets ~ Well, that may be news in Mayberry, Sheriff Andy, but it’s hardly a secret to folks who grew up wearing shoes.

Former Pirates owner tells Times he’s gay ~ As if hanging with all those pirates hadn’t clued us in a long time ago.

Even The Cast Of GLEE Playing Tetherball With The Teletubbies While Belting Out Showtunes On The Back Of A Pink Unicorn That’s Prancing Around A Maypole Couldn’t Outgay This Pirate Queen.

Alabama man fights to keep wife buried in front yard ~ Boy howdy! Does he EVER. But that no-good hound-dog of his won’t stop digging up Amy-LaVonne’s corpse and re-burying it down by the crick.

Ellen Degeneres Speaks Out Against “That Time of the Month” Jokes ~ Yikes!–sounds like SOMEBODY’s on the rag.

‘A sad day for people with disabilities’ ~ “But on the other 364 days of the year, I thank God that a Pepsi truck crushed my legs.”

Camp Pendleton works to save species in peril ~ Which was a challenge for the Marines, as what they mostly do is kill things.

The Space Shuttle Endeavour rolls along Crenshaw Drive ~ This just in–Space Shuttle Endeavour is missing!

Insurance Will Take Care Of Everything But Your Deductible, But You Can Forget About The Resale Value.

Teacher: ‘I wanted to be the last thing they heard, not the gunfire’ ~ “And to make sure they heard me over all the racket, I yelled ‘Bang! Bang! Bang!'”

Worried about Lady Gaga’s weight gain? Chill, she isn’t ~ Sorry, we weren’t listening. We were trying to figure out why Kirstie Alley sounds like Lady Gaga all of a sudden.

Mark Hamill weighs in on the future of ‘Star Wars’ — EXCLUSIVE ~ “They said they might let me sweep up around the set!”

Rolling Stones kick off 50th anniversary tour ~ The only thing those testosterone-drenched septuagenarians should be kicking is either a habit or the bucket.

The $250 Halloween treat ~ Cocaine!

Best Avoided: It’s Pretty Pricey, And Worse, Turns You Into An Asshole. Weed, On The Other Hand, Is A Lot Less Likely To Result In A Domestic Abuse Arrest. That’s All We’re Saying.

Headlines 11.02.12

02 Friday Nov 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, Entertainment, Headlines, News, Politics, Sport, Stupidity

≈ 21 Comments

Tags

2012 Presidential Campaign, 2012 World Series, Ashton Kutcher, Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, childish sexual innuendo, comic books, death by hurricane, death by shark, Detroit, Detroit Tigers, dolphins, fat people, FDR, Geneva, great white shark, headlines, hurricanes, ignorance--it's what we do, Jersey Shore, Joe Biden, left-handed people, Louisiana, Meat Loaf, Mississippi, Mitt Romney, New Jersey, North Korea, polio, retarded, San Francisco Giants, Sandy, slut-shaming, Smaktakula's hypocrisy can sometimes be astounding, Switzerland, teachers, unfortunate ways to die, white people, Why am I so fat?, Why am I so stupid?, you are not the father

By Smaktakula

Yeah, That’s Pretty Damn Easy For You To Say, But Real People Are Affected By This Tragedy. For One Thing, The Guy Who Lives There Owes Us $13.75!

In which we showcase our unparalleled knack for expounding authoritatively upon a broad range of topics about which we remain not only ignorant, but deliberately so.

We lose interest after the headlines.

***

Deaf dolphin rescued in La. will get new home in Miss.  ~ It appears to be the result of a misdiagnosis. Veterinarians originally classified the hearing-impaired cetacean as “retarded,” and Mississippi just seemed the obvious choice.

Waiting till the wedding night – getting married the right way ~ Absolutely. ‘Cause every young man dreams of someday spending his wedding night asking “What does this button do?”

Tigers’ pain: Omar Infante’s wrist broken; so is Alex Avila’s heart ~ Hopefully they’ll be distracted bu the knowledge that in meekly allowing the San Francisco Giants to figuratively bugger them in the course of sweeping the 2012 World Series they have not only brought further shame to an already ignominious and blighted city, but wounded the venerable heart of baseball itself.

Do Pigs Intentionally Kill People? ~ The Revolution’s gonna change all that, Brothas!

Meat Loaf endorses Romney in Ohio ~ Meanwhile, the Obama campaign was buoyed by an endorsement from Casserole. Spinach Salad is expected to back the Green Party candidate again this year.

Are Sexy Halloween Costumes Over? ~ They are for you, Grandma. Grow some dignity.

You Go Ahead And Be Mad At Us All You Want; We’re Doing What We Think Is Right. When Get Your Stomach Under Control We Think You’ll Agree That There Are People Out There Who Desperately Need To See This.

Ashton Kutcher: TV’s highest-paid actor ~ Friends, it’s not for nothing that they call it the ‘idiot box.’

Analysis: Why Both Romney and Obama Campaigns Say They’re Winning ~ Because they’re politicians and they’re accustomed to spouting deliberate falsehoods since they know that about 50% of the electorate will make the conscious decision to buy into the line despite a staggering collection of evidence to the contrary. They don’t really even have to try any more.

Sex researcher’s son charged with exposing self ~“Um…it was for research?”

Eschewing the narrative conventions of the graphic novel ~ Let’s seek some perspective here–you’re talking about comic books. If you absolutely must fancify ’em, we favor the term ‘illiterature.’

Obama’s Prep Session Goal: Don’t Repeat Mistakes of Last Debate ~ “Don’t…Repeat… Same Mistakes…From…Last Time–got it. Hey, that’s pretty smart! I hope we’re paying you a lot of money.”

The Trouble with My Daughter’s DNA ~ “Well, the trouble isn’t so much with your daughter’s DNA, sir; no, her DNA is fine. It’s just that…well, that the…Christ, Mr. Johnson–this is really a conversation you ought to be having with your wife right now.”

We Used To Think That Someday This Might Be Our Future. But Life Swiftly Taught Us That Such Merry Dreams Were Never Meant For The Likes Of Us.

Geneva devastated by monster tsunami, millions at risk ~ You know that’s in Switzerland, right?

What Do Birds Do During a Hurricane? ~ Disintegrate in a spectacular burst of blood, bone and feathers. It’s quite beautiful in its way.

Surfer killed in shark attack died ‘doing something he loved’ ~ It’s true. Mikey often said that his favorite thing in the world was to scream at the top of his lungs while gargling a mouthful of bloody seawater.

Obama’s Best-Kept Secrets ~ Well, not many people seem to know that he smokes Marlboro Reds.¹

Ask Larry: What Do I Do if My Ex Never Paid My Social Security Tax? ~You’re gonna need to get real pretty, real fast or else learn to like the taste of dog food. And while it’s on our mind, who the hell asks a dude named ‘Larry’ about anything other than where’s the best place to buy illegal  fireworks?

Dallas Braden says what everybody thinks about left-handed pitchers ~ They’re all secretly gay. You didn’t know that?

Does It Pay to Become a Teacher? ~ If by ‘pay’ you mean money–then no.

On The Plus Side The Benefits Are Great, You Get Lots Of Time Off, And Nobody Cares If You’re Competent So Long As You Don’t Diddle The 8th Graders.

6-year-old ‘Mrs. Bieber’ loses cancer battle ~ Sadly, she succumbed before she was able to testify, leaving Justin Bieber free to marry a whole kindergarten if he wants to.

Columbian ‘Devil’ baby may actually be victim of abuse, say police. ~ “Or…hold on, now… or what if that’s JUST the kind of story a Colombian Devil Baby would tell to send us all off on a wild goose chase? Gentlemen, I’m beginning to think we’re up against a master tactician.”

North Korean army minister ‘executed with mortar round’ ~ That’s fucking crazy! They’ve still got it, folks.

Video games can fight obesity?  ~ Yeah, just keep telling yourself that, fatty.

Could Obama Become the Next FDR? ~ Listen, you can disagree with the man all you want, but you cross a line when you publicly wish crippling polio on the President of the United States. Not cool, dude.

In Sandy’s wake, can Jersey Shore be saved? ~ CAN it be saved? As in, ‘Is saving the Jersey Shore something we have the ability to do?’ That’s not the question we should be asking ourselves right now, and we think you know it. Go ahead–just say what we’re all thinking.

Dear Garden State Friends, Our Hearts Go Out To…Hold On, Pal…WHAT?…WHAT?…NO, I’M TALKING TO MY FUCKING FRIEND RIGHT NOW, ASSHOLE!…Sorry–Our Hearts Go…Hold On…YEAH, THAT’S WHAT I SAID–YOU HEARD ME SAY IT JUST NOW, RIGHT? WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO, BRO?–Hey Pal, This Might Take A…I’M TALKING TO MY FUCKING FRIEND HERE, OKAY YOU PIECE OF SHIT?”

Help! My Sister Is Being Slut-Shamed by Her Fiancé’s Family. ~ Well, if you wanted to help out a little bit on your end, maybe you could think of a term for it with not so much “slut” and just a tad less “shame.” Hussyrassment? HOranguing? Tramp-Dampening? Whatever you call it, you’re a shitty sister.

‘What’s the Matter With White People?’ ~ Well, they dance like assholes for one thing.

VP debates can kill political careers ~ Just being VP can do that.

Activist floats idea of memorial for fish killed in Irvine crash ~ See folks? Homosexuality is not a prerequisite for being a massive gaywad.

7 Lame Things That Turned Awesome When I Became a Parent ~ 7,000,000 awesome people who turned lame when they became parents.

Biden, President Clinton double team on Romney ~ This will likely build some much-needed bridges between Republicans and Democrats. You just can’t look at a guy the same way after you’ve felt his stubbly chin nestled between your shoulder-blades.

Two Powerful, Driven, Beautiful Men. Fate Made Them Enemies. Love Made Them Something More. Oooh, We’re Getting Goosebumps Just Thinking About It.

¹ In fairness, the president “claims” to have quit in 2011. Why the snarky quotes? Because as a former smoker myself, I know how very hard it can be to wrest oneself from the grip of that pernicious addiction. It’s enough of a chore even without the prospect of a soul-taxing marathon slugfest to avoid the historical ignominy of being a one-termer in what looks to be the closest election since 1960. The FUCK he quit smoking. ∞ T.

Headlines 10.26.12

26 Friday Oct 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture, News, Politics, Sport, Stupidity

≈ 22 Comments

Tags

abortion, Barack Obama, Baseball, Bill Clinton, blame Obama, bull sharks, childish sexual innuendo, David Hasselhoff, death by cop, Germany, Germany's dark history, great white shark, Gruenenthal, headlines, ignorance--it's what we do, illegal aliens, Iran, Jay-Z, Jimmy Carter, Los Angeles, Malala Yousafzai, Minneapolis, Mitt Romney, morning after pill, no that's *fellates*, Ronald Reagan, San Francisco Giants, sex, sex scandal, St. Louis Cardinals, Texas, Thalidomide, Vietnam

By Smaktakula

Sure, It Sounds Noble. But What Message Are We Sending About Using Violence To Solve Problems?

In Which We Comment On The Day’s Headlines

Without Bothering To Read The Articles

***

Resort’s Snow Won’t Be Pure This Year; It’ll Be Sewage ~ Well, that stinks!

Cops fatally shoot suspect wanted for impregnating 11-year-old ~ The tragedy is that a child was robbed of its father. We mean the as-yet-unborn child, not the one the guy knocked up.

Players on contending teams have more fun ~ Which flies in the face of the widely held belief that being a loser is the fucking bee’s knees.

Obama: Jay-Z ‘knows what my life is like’ ~ At first we were gonna scoff. We reconsidered when we realized that President Obama has thus far avoided the sexual pitfalls that marred Bill Clinton’s time in office. Like the man said, “I got 99 problems, but a bitch ain’t one.”

Swarm of wasps attack preschoolers ~ Some headlines are funny without our help.

If This Doesn’t Bring A Smile To Your Face, You Have No Soul.

I Was a Welfare Mother ~ And I’m pretty sure you’re the father of at least two of my kids.¹

Man drags great white shark into ocean ~ You fool! You’re going the wrong way!

More details emerge on US ambassador’s last moments ~ It turns out they were the worst moments of his entire life.

Teen accused of killing Texas county official found dead ~ Folks, how many times must it be said? Don’t Mess With Texas.

German thalidomide maker Gruenenthal issues apology ~ “However, on behalf of zee Tcherman people, I vould like to add zat zis iss hardly zee vurst tsing vee haff done.”

The Krauts: So Much To Answer For.

Does the morning after pill induce abortions? ~ If it doesn’t, we want our fucking money back. Seriously, we’re gonna need that cash.

Minneapolis workplace shooter lost job hours before rampage ~ So in a waaaaaaay, it’s Obama’s fault.

Woman Faces Harsh Reality From Butt Injections ~ It’s really only that first butt injection that takes your breath away; it gets easier after that. Who knows? You might even learn to like it.

Kings of Leon bassist Jared Followill marries model ~ The semi-retarded pleasure-bot will be known simply as “Mrs. Followill” until such time as she needs a name.

Romney Deflates the President ~ So in a way, he’s kind of a prick.

When Your Opponent Is The 21st Century’s Jimmy Carter, And The Best You Can Manage Is To Pull Even With Him, It’s Clear That You’re No Ronald Reagan.

Study: Bull sharks have strongest bite ~ Yeah, we’ll believe that when we see it. They’re called ‘bull’ sharks for a reason.

Iran Felicitates Vietnam on National Day ~ Doesn’t that mean, like, to give someone a blow job?

Giants seek to beat Cards at own game ~ The game of baseball, you mean?

Raising Successful Children ~ There are as many theories of child-rearing as there are parents. Our method involves sharp rebukes and extended periods of isolation when the children speak without first being addressed by an adult. Hey, if we can get ’em to shut up for five minutes, we call that a success.

‘Because of you, I trust no one’ ~ Then there’s no more we can teach you.

“It’s Bad Enough You Made Me Believe He Was Real, But Then When I Confronted You About It, You Doubled-Down On The Lie And Tried To Feed Me That ‘Yes, Virginia, There Is A Santa Claus’ Bullshit! You Never Loved Me!”

For Young Jews, a Service Says, ‘Please, Do Text’ ~ Then comes the guilt!

Los Angeles mayor wants ID card for immigrants ~ It’s only fair that they should have something to not have to show when it’s time for them to vote.

How Men Work, When It Comes to Sex ~ Man, that’s the only reason we work at all! You see, the likelihood of you putting out increases along with our bank balance.

Girl shot with Malala: Memory of attack ‘still in my head’ ~ Also, the bullet.

10 Signs Your Employees Are Having an Office Romance ~ They’re humping on your desk as you read this.

“David, Did You Put That Tickler In Vickie’s Inbox?” The Potential For Inappropriate Innuendo Is Staggering.

Bonus! Because you’re so sweet, here’s a twofer:

Rabbits ravage seabird populations on Destruction Island ~ Unless you’re a field of dandelions, you’ve got no business being ‘ravaged’ by rabbits. We’re thinking that maybe God didn’t intend that these birds should live.

Rabbits ravage seabird populations on Destruction Island ~ Given what they named the place, we have to imagine this isn’t the first time that’s happened.

¹For a slightly more nuanced and sensitive take on the “Welfare” article, click here. ∞ T.

The Supreme Court: Supremely Fabulous

07 Wednesday Mar 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, History

≈ 7 Comments

Tags

Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, childish sexual innuendo, Elena Kagan, gay people, Gilbert and Sullivan, Richard M. Nixon, Supreme Court, the Supremes, you got a real purty mouth

By Smaktakula

Like Their Judicial Namesakes, These Supremes Have An Effervescent Style That Will Remain Fabulous Throughout The Ages.

People who say that Barack Obama nominated the first gay Supreme Court justice in Elena Kagan have obviously forgotten that former Chief Justice William Rehnquist, a Nixon appointee, presided over Bill Clinton’s impeachment proceedings wearing a robe he designed himself based on an outfit he’d once seen in a Gilbert and Sullivan operetta.

You Must Admit, He Was The Very Model Of A Major Modern General.

Haven’t we been good to you? Haven’t we been sweet to you? Think it over. ∞ T.

For Reals: The Best of Promethean Times!

17 Friday Feb 2012

Posted by tardsie in Celebrity, Culture, News

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Anna Nicole Smith, Belgium, Bill Clinton, blond guys with dreads look like idiots, blond is beautiful motherfuckers!, blond people are stupid, double standards, dreadlocks, Emmanuel Lewis, freedom of speech, Gary Coleman, handicapped people, hypocrisy, Jimmy Carter, Kool-Aid Man, nasty blond dreadlocks, opossums, Osama bin Laden, punch lines, self-promotion so shameless that it borders on hucksterism, Why are blondes so stupid?

By the Promethean Times Editorial Staff

For The Best And Most Reliable News From The Four Corners Of The Globe, You Know Where To Look.

In which we present a few of  our favorite Promethean Times’ features. We hope you’ll enjoy as well. ∞ T.

Humor:

We Prefer Humor That Is Neither Hurtful Nor Degrading.

Our readers know that humor is near and dear to our hearts. In the following post, we provide the punch lines to our very favorite jokes. Straight lines not included.

  • Nothing But Punch Lines

The Big Issues:

Blondes: As Stupid As They Are Slutty.

In which we tackle the pressing social issues of freedom of speech and question the true nature of female beauty. We also discuss why blond people shouldn’t wear their hair in dreadlocks, and why their women are so dumb and slutty.

  • Alexandra Wallace: Ching-Chong Champion Of Tolerance
  • A Contemporary Helen of Troy
  • Something Must Be Done About Blond Guys With Dreadlocks
  • Platinum-Headed Hos

Nature:

This Is Nothing A Car Exhaust And A Length Of Hose Won't Cure.

We care deeply about the environment and the creatures who live within it.

  • Nobody Loves The Opossum
  • Puppy-Killing: Why We’re Against It

Culture:

Has Anyone Ever Stopped To Ask If Maybe They Had It Coming?

We spend a good deal of time talking about various places around the globe.  We think you’ll enjoy our report on those iniquitous Belgians.

  • Belgians: The World’s Most Evil People

People in Power:

Jimmy, Why Do You Hang Out With Him If He's Just Gonna Treat You Like That?

Like the rest of the world, we’re fascinated by powerful people. In these  gems, we explore the friendship between two former presidents, and examine the future King of England’s quest for true love.

  • Now You’re Just Being A Dick, Bill
  • Prince William: Who Will Be His Camilla Parker-Bowles?

Small Black Actors:

Small, Black & Formerly Famous. But The Similarities End There.

Tales of two diminutive former child stars: one a cursed, loveless misanthrope, the other a happy little man-whore.

  • Diff’rent Strokes Curse Remains With Work Undone
  • Emmanuel Lewis: The Antigary

The Evil Ones:

Ding, Dong The Dick Is Dead!

In which we take a hard look at the enemies of freedom.

  • Bin Laden: The Final Hours
  • Osama’s Pakistani Whack Shack

Fictional Characters:

His Blood Was An Unsweetened Raspberry-Watermelon. Even The Dogs Wouldn't Lap It Up.

It’s not just real people who get the Promethean Times treatment. Here we explore the tragic effect of violence upon the worlds of soft-drink advertising and children’s educational programming.

  • Commercial Icon Institutionalized After Bloody Rampage
  • Vicious Mauling Leaves Sesame Street Cast Member In Critical Condition

Headlines 10.07.11

07 Friday Oct 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture, History, News, Politics

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Africa, African famine, Ashton Kutcher, Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, Budweiser, butterface, death by drowning, debt crisis, Democrats, Europe, great white shark, headlines, hos, Indiana, living in a van down by the river, Matt Foley, Mississippi, online dating, perverts, pizza, Poltergeist, prostitution, Republicans, reset button, skunky beer, Somalia, South Korea, Tanzania, tapeworms, TV for idiots, Two and a Half Men, United States of America, vegans, Vermont, White House, you're welcome

By Smaktakula

Well, Bless Their Hearts.

In which we opine on the latest headlines, without bothering to first read the stories.

***

Seoul to Introduce Female-Only Subway Cars 

  • Korean perverts to introduce hidden cameras to female-only subway cars.

Early Adversity, Adult Misery: How Small Events Trigger Depression

  • It’s true–every whiny bitch was once a whiny little bitch.

Suspect arrested while trying to bail out ally 

  • There is honor among thieves, just no common sense.

Bill Clinton, on his 65th birthday, has gone vegan

  •  That’s a misprint.  Rather than ‘gone vegan’ it should read ‘done Meagan.’

Like You’d Do Any Differently In His Position.

Exposed coffins, destroyed homes in Vt. town

  • Sweet!  A Poltergeist remake.

Deportation policy angers bloggers

  • Yeah, but when you have no real friends and a surfeit of free time, you tend to get irritated pretty easily.

Tradition forces girls into prostitution 

  • “My momma was a ho, just like her momma before her.”

Why Do Republicans Love Pizza? 

  • The same reason everybody else loves pizza.

Beachgoers in Venice Rescue Stranded Great White Shark 

  • The freed predator wasted no time before devouring a surfer.

Europe’s debt could sink US

  •  This is hardly the first time Europe has rung up a bill the US was obliged to pay.

Avez-Vous Des Remerciements? Non? Ah, C’est La Vie.

Indiana State Fair stage collapse claims sixth victim 

  • Is that thing still on the loose?

Somalis Rip Aid Donors for ‘Failing’ Famine Victims 

  • If it bothers you so much, eat your own damn food.   . . .  Oh, right.  Sit tight, folks.

Online dating? Why no one wants you 

  • Don’t feel bad; attraction is a matter of personal preference, and is influenced by myriad subjective factors.  Remember, it’s not you who’s repellant, but rather your personality and physical appearance.

It’s Like Putting Fancy Rims On A ’78 Pacer.

President Obama goes for a reset on jobs 

  • Because neither ‘Do Over’ nor ‘We Take It Back‘ sounded quite right.

Ashton Kutcher’s second ‘Two and a Half Men’ episode: Do we still care?

  • That you ever did says a lot about you.

White House Future Is Now, Many Republicans Conclude

  •  No, by definition, now is the present and the future is yet to come.  And they say the Democrats can’t get their shit together.

Funk Legend Living In A Van 

  • The van’s funk is said to be legendary.

The Most Highly-Prized Locale For The Van-Dweller Is, Of Course, Down By The River.

Tanzania: Horror As 180 People Perish in Ferry Accident 

  • Dear God!  At times like this, when the soul reels in shock and disbelief, we must remember that . . . HOLD ON!  Forget about that–Our affiliate in Tuscaloosa is reporting that a cute white girl has gone missing!

Why I Don’t Drink Budweiser…and Why I’m Not Alone

  • Because fermented goat semen just doesn’t taste that hot.

How Did the Robot End Up With My Job? 

  • For starters, the LaborTron3K doesn’t come to work hung over, steal paperclips or grope the copy boy.  Plus, you’re ugly.

How this strange African fruit is making Americans skinny.

  • The secret is tapeworms.

Proper Sanitation And Hygiene Save Lives.

See Also:

  • Promethean Times Responds To The Headlines
  • Headlines II
  • Headlines III
  • Headlines IV
  • Headlines V
  • Headlines VI
  • Headlines VII
  • Headlines VIII

Burt Reynolds Prepares For Recurring Role As Filthy Homeless Person

19 Friday Aug 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Cinema, News

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

70's era machismo, bad toupee, Bennigan's, Bill Clinton, Burt Reynolds, Dom DeLuise, Florida, gold digger, hard times, has-beens, Liza Minelli, machismo, Me Generation, moochers, mortgage, mustache rides, the reek of the homeless, tiresome anachronism, Where Are They Now?

By Smaktakula

Or Just Give Him A Place To Crash Until He Gets Things Together. You Know, Whatever.

Mustachioed 70s fixture Burt Reynolds claims to be surprised to find that his Florida mansion is in foreclosure,  despite not having made a mortgage payment since September of last year.  Times are lean for the toupee-abusing former icon of Me-Generation machismo, whose last tolerable film came during the Clinton years.

Burt Stands To Lose Everything.

There is concern for the actor’s future among those who are closest to Reynolds, such as Kate the Bennigan’s bartender or the kid who deliver’s the former personality’s newspaper.  The fear is that the soon-to-be homeless Reynolds will before long be huddling desperately for warmth beneath an overpass, now that Dom DeLuise‘s couch is unavailable.

"We Have Some Great Times Together, Don't We? I've Got A Crazy Idea, Babe, And I Think We Should Just Go For It. What Do You Think About Maybe Living Together For A Little While?"

Mustache Rides Now $1.50.

Know Your Dictafro

08 Tuesday Mar 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, History, Politics

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

'Lil Kim, Alexander the Great, Angela Merkel, because he declared himself King of Scotland. Get it now?, Benazir Bhutto, Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, Bono, Chairman Mao, ChocoFührer, dictafro, Evo Morales, Fugeeman, Golda Meir, Hillary Clinton, Idi Amin Dada, Imelda Marcos, Indira Gandhi, John Holmes, Julius Caesar, Kim Jong-il, Manuel Noriega, Mao Zedong, Marlon Brando, Muammar al-Gaddafi, mulletards, Napoleon Bonaparte, Pyongyang, Richard M. Nixon, Robert Mugabe, Ronald Reagan, Saddam Hussein, Silvio Berlusconi, Ted Kaczynski, Wyclef Jean, you can't tell us that 'Pyongyang' doesn't sound like a filthy word to you

By Smaktakula

The individual hairstyles of powerful men and women are as unique as fingerprints.  Observe:

The Caesar

The Pineapple

The Cover-Up

The Forgettable Fire

The Martyr

The John Holmes

The Kaczynski

The Pyongyang.

The Schultz

The Carpetbagger

The Bubbie

The Big Boy

The Thriller

The ChocoFührer

The Imelda

Le Petit Tyran

The Consigliere

The Highlander

The Supercuts

The Frampton Comes Alive

The Bride Of The Monster-Doctorwallah

The Foreign Exchange Student

The Moe Howard

The Sex Mo-Sheen And The Pantsuit

Grand Theft LiLo

10 Thursday Feb 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, News

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

baby daddy, Bill Clinton, California, celebriskanks, Celebrity Death Watch, completely preventable deaths, Crime, drugs, Flower of American Skankhood, grand theft, implosion, legal issues, LiLo, LiLophiles, Lindsay Lohan, Lohan arrested, lost girls, Marilyn Monroe, skankery, skanks, theft, tweakers, untalented stars, Venice

By Smaktakula

Isn't This The Chick Who Accosted Us Outside Of 7-11 And Wouldn't Shut Up About Her "Tweaker Piece Of Shit Baby Daddy" Until We Gave Her A Quarter?

The date for Lindsay Lohan’s final, pathetic implosion remains unknown, but draws inexorably closer.  Throughout her short life, the Flower of American Skankhood has faced a number of legal difficulties both domestically and abroad, but can now add a new charge to her growing rap sheet: grand theft.

LiLo is accused of boosting a $2,500 necklace from a California Jewelry store in January, less than a month after ending her most recent rehab stay.  Although the sticky-fingered celebriskank had not heretofore been charged with theft, she is suspected in several recent clothing-related heists.

Having snorted the bulk of her dwindling resources, Lohan may not be able to enlist the services of a top-flight lawyer, and it’s unlikely that she’ll receive a helping hand from Hollywood with her star so rapidly on the wane.  However, some LiLophiles see a silver lining in the event that Lohan is compelled to do jail time.  Every day that the drug-addled has-been spends behind bars is another day that she cheats the untimely and degrading death which awaits her.

Unlike Marilyn Monroe, LiLo Lacks Talent And Has Never Banged A President. Although One Of Those Is Within Lindsay's Reach, Bill Clinton Will Never Be Able To Make Her Talented.

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