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Tag Archives: United States of America

Headlines: I Was A Caveman’s Love-Puppet

03 Monday Feb 2014

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, Entertainment, Headlines, History, Literature, Music, News, Philosophy, Politics, Religion, Science, Sport, Stupidity

≈ 17 Comments

Tags

ADHD, Africa, alcoholism, backwater shithole, bad parents, bees, Benjamin Franklin, bigfoot, breastuses, cannabis, Cee-Loo Green, cheating, childish sexual innuendo, cryptids, death by party bus, death by smoking, don't hate us because we're ignorant, dope, drugs, economics, ecstasy, environmental crisis, exotic dancers, fibromyalgia, Friends, gay people, Germany, God, grass, hemp, Jane Austen, Justin Bieber, Kool-Aid, Lance Armstrong, legalize it, marijuana, Mexico, MILFs, monster trucks, Nazi Germany, neanderthals, New Jersey, opposable thumbs, Oprah Winfrey, performance-enhancing drugs, places that suck, Playboy, pornography, pot, pr0n, reefer, refugees, Russia, Russians sure like that vodka, sexism, short people, skonks, Smaktakula's distrust of short people, smoking, strippers, stupid people, sweet sweet cheeba, the abysmal state of American public education, transplants, United States of America, weed, West Virginia, Why am I so stupid?, you got a real purty mouth

By Smaktakula

We Quite Literally Regard It As Something Of A Miracle That The World Is Peopled By So Many Strange And Beautiful Creatures For Us To Poke Fun At.

In which we talk a lot of shit.

***

15-year-old girl caught stripping for the 2nd time ~ You think THAT’S bad? We heard that last year a 14-year-old was caught stripping at the same place!

Why Wasn’t West Virginia Better Prepared for Massive Spill? ~ Look, if those cretinous hillbillies can’t get their heads around indoor plumbing, don’t you think that expecting them to tackle a massive environmental disaster is asking a bit much?

The Science Behind Bigfoot and Other Monsters ~ Is called “junk science.”

What would it take for Justin Bieber to get deported? ~ An ugly sort of populism more at home in Nazi Germany than in the US of A.

What You Should NEVER Say To a Fibromyalgia Patient ~ “Oh, yeah–I had a crazy aunt who had one of those made-up diseases, too.”

‘Tits McGee’: Growing Up With Big Boobs ~ It distracts a little from the very serious nature of your subject when you tag your headline with one of the all-time funniest nicknames ever created for an amply-endowed lass.  However, it’s perfectly understandable that you don’t appreciate the appellation’s amusing nature, as we imagine that even after all these years you still fail to see the humor in it.

Hey, Look At The Bright Side, Chesty–Not Many People Can Claim They’re A Human Life-Jacket.

My Dad Will Never Stop Smoking Pot ~ Son, Daddy uses this forum to write silly jokes about the headlines to news stories he can’t be bothered to read. I appreciate you voicing your concerns, but we’ll talk about this a little later in private–okay, Sport?

HumanBrainCellsMakeMiceSmarter ~ But lacking opposable thumbs, they still can’t work the damn space bar on the keyboard.

Absolutely, positively, no “Friends” reunion in the works ~ The proof of a kind and loving God is everywhere, if you only look for it.

Lance Armstrong Tells Oprah Winfrey Why He Doped ~ “Well, you see, Oprah, I made a lot more money when I won races, and the boys in R&D crunched some numbers and they discovered that I seemed to win more races when I was a chemically enhanced super-human. So, really–it was kind of a no-brainer.”

NJ teen dies after sticking head out of a party bus ~ The Garden State mourns one of its best & brightest.

Playboy: Still Sexist After All These Years ~ And sexism has no place in the protein-starched pages of a men’s pornographic magazine!

Ha! Well What Did She Think Would Happen When She Decided To Do Something Besides Teach School Until She Caught A Husband?

Suspect Showed Cool During Inquiry ~ Said a police spokesperson: “We knew pretty early on that anyone that cool just couldn’t be guilty.”

Passion for vodka kills Russian men in their thousands ~ “Passion for vodka” is a delightfully poetic way to describe Russia’s endemic alcoholism.

What Students With ADHD Want to Tell Their Teachers ~ “I had a turtle once, but it died. Wanna ride bikes?”

Bullard Says Downturn Hardest on Young, Less-Educated Families ~ It’s unfortunate, but hardly surprising when you consider that about the only thing made easier for stupid people is public school.

Cee-Lo Green pleads not guilty to charge of giving woman ecstasy ~ Smaktakula is a married man, and hasn’t given a woman ecstasy in years.

How much Neanderthal DNA do you have? Lots ~ “Jesus, Frank–there has GOT to be a better way to say that. Look, I had a couple of really unfortunate encounters during my time-travel adventures in the Pleistocene Era, and all I want to do right now is take a shower and try to forget about it.”

“Listen, Garrkkokk–I Just Don’t Think I’ll Ever Be Able To Trust You Again. It’s Times Like This When I Remember Why Our Two Species Diverged.”

Why Mom’s Time Is Different From Dad’s Time ~ Because dad’s time is important.

Mexico ‘monster truck’ crash kills eight at air show ~ Okay, but the SECOND saddest thing about this story is that Mexican AIR shows feature monster trucks.

Ex-Marlboro man dies from smoking-related disease in SLO ~ Wow–how ironic. That’s what we’d be saying if this weren’t the exact opposite of something which is ironic.

Blyth Mum Spends £3,000 On Pink Baby Accessories – Then Has A Boy! ~ Well, if our understanding of heritable traits is correct, he’ll likely be a profoundly stupid boy.

Miley Cyrus Goes Braless For Cosmo ~ Cosmo Krystalos is her meth connection.

Never Forget: Benjamin Franklin Was Into MILFs ~ Why would we forget that? The Founding Father’s legendary lust for tail is unquestionably the most interesting thing about the man.

He Only Hung Out With Kool-Aid ‘Cause He Was Mad For Tang.

What Jane Austen Teaches Us About Economics ~ That it’s boring and outdated?

Just Because He Breathes : Learning to Truly Love Our Gay Son ~ If you haven’t learned to “truly love” your son well before he reaches an age at which he expresses a sexual preference, then you might suck a little at momming and dadding.

African refugees in Italy ‘told to go to Germany’ ~ “Uh, we’re immigrants, not idiots. We like it here just fine.”

Wild Bees Won’t Survive in a Human-Dominant World ~ Please. We’ve rocked this mud-ball for millennia, and bees have done all right up until now.

Double-transplant patient loses legs ~ They’re not your fucking car keys, dude! Somebody went to a lot of trouble to get you those legs, and the least you can do is keep an eye on them.

“‘Short-man syndrome’ is real ~ Given the tragic and debilitating nature of their shared genetic curse, we think it’s a remarkable display of perseverance most mornings for these nasty little creatures even to come skulking from their filthy dens into the bright light of day.

The Fact That You Rarely See Lawn Jockeys These Days Should Give You An Idea Of How Profoundly Offensive Shortness Has Become In Modern Society.

***

Headlines: Eat Like A Bird

04 Tuesday Jun 2013

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, Entertainment, Headlines, News, Politics, Science, Stupidity

≈ 31 Comments

Tags

Alzheimer's, Amanda Bynes, Barack Obama, bullies, C-section, cannabis, capital punishment, dope, duck, fun with stereotypes, grass, headlines, hemp, Honey Boo Boo, ignorance--it's what we do, Islam, Japan, Jimmy Carter, Jimmy Carter attacked by rabbit, Jimmy Carter fails to bring the hostages home, Jimmy Carter gives away the Panama Canal, Jimmy Carter kills a hooker, Koreans, Latinos, LeBron James, Los Angeles, mairjuana, master-monkey, nerds, Nigeria, places that suck, pot, pregnancy, reality television, reefer, Rihanna, Sri Lanka, Sufism, sweet sweet cheeba, tallywhacker snatchers, third-world hellhole, United Kingdom, United States of America, weed

By Smaktakula

No, We’re Not Going To Use This As A Cheap Opportunity To Poke Fun At Nigeria. People Have To Live In That Lightless Hellhole, You Know.

In which we comment on the day’s headlines without bothering to first read the stories.

***

What does it really feel like to fall out of a building? ~ It hurts real bad.

How ACL Injuries Are Detected on the Field  ~Healthcare providers first look for an athlete lying on the field in a fetal position, cradling his or her knee and screaming.

What Birds Teach Us About Babies ~ That babies love nothing better than having hot food puked directly into their waiting little mouths.

8 things to know about L.A.’s Koreatown ~ The two most important ones are to leave your dog at home and to make sure your auto policy includes collision coverage.

Help! My Cousin Won’t Tell Her Boyfriend She Used To Be a Man. ~ Which is why we make it a point to ask our dates for childhood photos as well as for bus fare home.

Man Accused of Raping Duck — Yes, Man Accused of Raping Duck ~ There’s no need to write that twice. We could have just reread the line if we were into that kind of thing.

After What They’ve Been Doing To Our Women For Years, We Say It’s About Time The Ducks Got A Taste Of Their Own Medicine.

Woman is Set On Fire During a C-section ~ Well if you think a C-section is painful, you should try giving birth vaginally.

It’s Official: She’s Pregnant! ~“And I’m officially joining the Peace Corps and flying off to Borneo, perhaps never to return. Isn’t that just the wildest coincidence ever?”

I’m Not Pregnant, I’m Just Fat ~ Well, in a very real way you’ve been knocked-up by Yoo-Hoo and jelly doughnuts.

Incredibly Humanlike New Species of Blond Monkey Discovered in Congo ~ So you’re saying this blond monkey is somehow superior to all his monkey brethren and it is incumbent upon him to someday rule them all with an iron monkey fist? Heavy.

Bad news: Jimmy Carter comes out against marijuana legalization ~ You were a shitty president, Jimmy–a shitty, shitty president.

Spelling Bee Champ Ponders Next Move ~ Avoiding the bully who’s waiting to kick his little ass the moment he steps down from the podium.

Look, You Can’t Deny It. This Kid Is Just BEGGING To Have His Ears Boxed And Maybe Get Stuffed Into His Own Locker. “Where’s Your Theory Of Relatives Now, Eisenstein?”

Why Poor People Are Still Dying for Our T-Shirts ~ ‘Cause our T-Shirts are hella cool!

Woman convicted of torture, mayhem for severing husband’s penis ~We are opponents of capital punishment, believing it to be unnecessary and cruel, and that moreover it has proven ineffective in deterring crime. However, in this instance we feel wholly justified in gleefully wishing death upon this malicious tallywhacker snatcher.

Piercing a Baby’s Ear: The Latino Dilemma ~ It’s not ‘Whether to learn Inglés?’

The man who split Obama’s lip speaks ~ “They’ll tell you that the worst thing about Guantanamo Bay is the food, but really, it’s the heat.”

Time Magazine Will Not Tell You How to Cure Cancer ~ Then Time Magazine can go fuck itself.

Honey Boo Boo’s Parents Not Legally Married ~ How unfortunate. Hopefully this revelation won’t turn the young girl’s life into some kind of degrading spectacle.

But For Her Sake, Promise Us That You’ll Continue To Comport Yourself With Dignity And Class.

Sucking Your Child’s Pacifier Clean May Have Benefits ~ Ha! No, not really. We just wanted to see if you’d try it. Where’s your dignity?

Can Sufism defuse radical Islam? ~ Sufis don’t make a habit of blowing shit up, so probably not.

How Much Do You Know About Alzheimer’s Disease? ~ “I’ve forgotten more about Alzheimer’s than you’ll ever know!”

For a Nation of Whiners, Therapists Try Tough Love ~ The results? Whining.

10 of the Worst Prisons in the World—Only 5 Are American ~ Damn. We would have thought at least seven or eight would be domestic products. It’s true: the American Century has at last come to an end.

Up Close with the Clitoris ~ “Up close” isn’t really the best way to see it.

Did Amanda Bynes Attack Rihanna On Twitter? ~ Twitter is a text-based platform that only allows a user to post words and images. So no, she didn’t, and just asking makes you a pussy.

So Do You See The Difference Between Your Feelings And Your Face Now? You Can Bet Your Ass Rihanna Does.

10 Ways Japan Can Add 8.2 Million Women to the Work Force ~ # 6: Kill 8.2 million dudes.

Princess Kate undergoes hypnotherapy to treat food aversion ~ In the United Kingdom a food aversion is also called “common sense.”

Best Birth Control for Older Women ~ Being an older woman.

How to Beat LeBron James ~ We recommend using no fewer than two lead pipes and maybe a bicycle chain.

Sri Lankan inmate stashes phone in rectum ~ It sounds painful, we know. But don’t worry–it wasn’t HIS rectum.

What women don’t want: ‘Run boobies, run!’ ~ Guys don’t want that either! We want those suckers right where we can see ’em.

We’ve Got Your Back. Figuratively Speaking.

***

Saluting America’s Forgotten Veterans: The KISS Army

12 Monday Nov 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, History, Music

≈ 17 Comments

Tags

1918, Abraham Lincoln, Armistice Day, coast guard, Great War, KISS, KISS Army, Marines, United States Air Force, United States Army, United States of America, US Navy, World War One, WWI

By Smaktakula

A Lot Like Mt. Rushmore, If Abe Lincoln Were Able To Puke Up A Bellyful Blood On Command.

In the years since the cacophonous guns of the Western Front fell silent on November 11th, 1918, ending the ‘War to End All Wars,’¹ humanity has sought to mark this anniversary by paying tribute to those men and women who risk their lives in the service of their nations. For those of us who have lived our lives in the relatively prosperous and safe West, this is no more than what we should do.

On this special anniversary, called Veterans Day in America, we honor military personnel regardless of the their branch of service, not only our heroic warriors in the Army, Navy and Marines, but also dudes in the Air Force and Coast Guard. We are justifiably proud of this custom. Sadly, this honor is not applied equally: the public continues to ignore the many distinguished contributions of the KISS Army.

The KISS Army: In Terms Of Raw Firepower, The Rough Equivalent Of The Salvation Army.

The KISS Army was officially mobilized in January of 1975.  Formed to protect America’s shores from the from the insidious forces of lameness, the KA was instrumental in keeping at bay for many years the twin blights of disco and country-rock. For two generations the KISS Army has made the nation a place where a man or woman can rock & roll all night, and party every day.

Promethean Times believes that a soldier is a soldier, whether his c.v. includes Fallujah ’03 or the Grand Rapids Fairgrounds ’07.  The KISS Army marches to its own drummer, doing things differently from some of the other branches of the Service–its continuing observance of ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ or its liberal drug policy, for example–but its members deserve the same recognition as do all those brave warriors who fight tirelessly for our freedom.

What Distinguishes It From The Real Army Is That You Can Do All The Drugs You Want, And You Won’t Get Your Ass Kicked For Wearing Makeup.

***

¹Although deemed ‘The War To End All Wars’ in a fit of misguided optimism, WWI proved unequal to the promise of that silly sobriquet ∞ T.

Please Don’t Vote Stupid!

04 Sunday Nov 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, News, Politics, Stupidity

≈ 29 Comments

Tags

Adolf Hitler, Barack Obama, death by not voting, democracy, democratic republic, Diddy, Hulk Hogan, ignorance--it's what America does!, Mitt Romney, Paris Hilton, Pauly Shore, Rick Santorum, stupid people, stupid voters, United States of America, Vote or Die!, Why am I so stupid?

By Smaktakula

In The Land Of The Free, It’s Just Something You Have To Do.

With the 2012 Presidential Election at last coming to its ugly and no-doubt contentious conclusion, the American public is eager for the cessation of those unpleasantries attendant with any election year, but which have become especially pronounced in recent years. The most ubiquitous among these are the dizzying array of inescapable political ads which ruin commercial breaks and jam the nation’s mailboxes and inboxes, replete with well-moneyed half-truths and contradictory claims designed to fool the very stupid. No less odious are the half-witted, hyper-strident statements made in public and on social media by partisans of all stripes, armed with questionable facts and subjective statistics culled conveniently from publications which mirror their dogmatically monomaniacal beliefs.

Folks, We Don’t Want You To Get The Idea That You MUST Vote. Particularly If You Aren’t Prepared To Vote Responsibly.

Most insidious of all, however, is a widely held misconception which is quickly gaining an acceptance so entrenched as to render it a bedrock tenet of the American mythology, and unless quickly checked, will continue to fill the hallways of power in Washington with ineffectual partisan functionaries perpetually running for re-election. This misconception most often takes form in the platitude,  ‘It’s vital to our democracy that everyone vote.’  Ignoring for the sake of argument the contention that the United States is a democracy,¹ the idea of voting at all costs, despite your head being firmly entrenched within your nether-regions, is a perfectly horrible notion.

He’s Right When He Says The Last Four Years Aren’t His Fault. They’re Yours.

But the idea takes shape further in the notion that if you don’t vote, you can’t complain, meaning only those who directly participate in the electoral process have a right to express dissatisfaction with the nation’s leadership. This is at best iffy logic in a society where freedom of speech is enshrined more highly than direct representation.  And yet, if we follow this flawed logic, we see that like those who didn’t bother to vote, those who voted for the winning candidate have also forfeited their right to complain. In fact, the only people with a right to complain are those who voted for the other guy.

The Great Thing About Mitt Romney Is That He Offers Choice–There Are Like 13 Different Versions Of The Man–You Can Vote For The One You Find Least Offensive.

***

They Told Her It Said “SLUT.”

By All Means, Take Your Political Advice From A Dude Who Can’t Decide Which Ridiculous Name To Call Himself From One Week To The Next.

You Still Think It’s Important For ‘Everyone’ To Vote?

Because It Feels So Good To Pretend To Know What You’re Talking About.

“24-Inch Pythons” Won’t Help You Vote Responsibly.

“They Voted Me In.”

***

¹In fact it is not.  The United States of America is, and always has been, a democratic republic.  We refer to the United States as a democracy because it’s easier, and because Americans are just a little bit stupid. ∞T.

Headlines 10.02.12

02 Tuesday Oct 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Cinema, Culture, History, News, Politics, Religion, Stupidity

≈ 35 Comments

Tags

"Junior", ADHD, America--Fuck Yeah!, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Barack Obama, bullies, Captain Underpants, congress, cyber-bullying, drugs, Europe, headlines, heroin, illiteracy is not funny!, imaginary racism, Islam, Josef Stalin, kiddie porn, Louisville, models, Mt. Everest, Occupy, racism, sex tape, tigers, UN, United Nations, United States of America, Why am I so fat?, Why am I so stupid?

By Smaktakula

See, Folks? Scientists Aren’t Any Smarter Than You Are, And Apparently Get Laid About As Frequently.

***

In which we opine on the headlines of the day without bothering to read the stories. It’s well-known that most news stories are written at no less than a sixth-grade level, and folks–we don’t read too good.

***

Racism could sway the election ~ Because–God knows–the first Western country to elect a black man as president just HAS to be a bigot’s paradise.

A day in the life of a New York Fashion Week model ~ Smoke cigarette. Breakfast: 2 Rye-Crisp crackers & Ex-Lax.  Smoke cigarette. Purge. Smoke some heroin. Nod out. Smoke cigarette. Purge. Repeat.

Does Louisville Need More Highways? ~ Does Louisville even have paved roads?

How Everest dream ended in tragedy ~ You know, it seems like an awful lot of them end that way. Maybe try a smaller mountain.

UN observers investigate reported Syria massacre ~ Their findings? “Somebody should do something about that.”

Despite Its Mind-Boggling, Unforgivably Heart-Breaking Impotence, The United Nations Has Yet To Meet Its Equal When It Comes To Hand-Wringing, Finger-Pointing And Speechifying.

Why Parents (and Teachers) Should Embrace Captain Underpants ~ So they can hold that wily fucker down until the cops arrive. Even one more child is one child too many.

Will the Occupy movement dissolve Spain’s parliament? ~ We wouldn’t put a lot of money on it. ‘Accomplishing stuff’ really wasn’t Occupy’s thing, you know?

Protests are as mindless as anti-Islam film ~ Right? Sure, the film hurt feelings, but those protests cost people their lives, so they’re equally bad!

What to Do If Your Child Is the Victim of Cyberbullying ~ Tell the little bitch to first pick himself up and grow a pair, then go outside to play with his real friends.

Europeans would re-elect Obama in a landslide: poll ~Gosh. It sure is hard to discount the political wisdom of the folks who within living memory happily put into office a dude so thoroughly heinous that he remains to this day the benchmark for bloodthirsty, mass-murdering madmen.

And Then, Of Course, There’s This Fellow. Did You Still Need A Few More Examples, Or Are You Content For The Time Being To Tend To Your Own Fucking Knitting?

The most important conversation you’ll ever have ~ Won’t be with the assbag sitting next to you on a long flight. But you already knew that.

Deciding When a Pet Has Suffered Enough ~ Mr. Mittens made the decision to shit on the carpet; we’ll decide when Mr. Mittens has suffered enough.

Anti-Islam Filmmaker Who Provoked Attacks Used Pseudonym ~ Wouldn’t you? Man, if there were such a thing as a prosthetic name, we’d be telling this guy to go right out and buy one.

Model Teacher Accused Of Sex With Student ~ AND she’s a model? Kid, you hit the fucking jackpot!

10 Medical Conditions Misdiagnosed as ADHD ~ Is “retardedness” a medical condition?

Schwarzenegger: Affair ‘stupidest thing’ he did while married ~ Are you sure the stupidest thing you did wasn’t starring in that movie ‘Junior?’ Because, seriously–that’s got to be right up there.

Cheating On The Fabulously-Wealthy Living Skeleton You Married Was Inarguably Dumb, But This!–This Remains An Affront To All That Is Good And Decent.

Congress has little motivation for compromise before election ~ Or after.

Class Reunion Letter Lists ‘White Graduates Only’ Party ~ We’re pretty sure that even had the school’s black alumni been invited to the party, most of them probably would have declined, as many no doubt live about 1,000,000 miles from that shithole, and moreover, will likely only be induced to return on the day that the devil sees his breath while standing on his own front porch.

A Terrifying Way to Discipline Children ~ Is acceptable if it gets the job done.

Teenagers Say Parents Text and Drive ~ Yeah, but how seriously can you take what they say? Teenagers can’t even be trusted to tell you where they were last night.

Exercising Won’t Help Overweight Children Shed Pounds: Study ~ Okay, first of all, bullshit. Secondly, please don’t tell them–it tickles us so to watch the fatties run.

No bowing necessary for Americans ~ And all it cost us was two atom bombs.

And You Know What? It Looks Like We’re Gonna Stay With Our Forks, Too.

Confronted about child porn, man shoots two deputies ~ They should have figured he’d be a little sensitive about that.

Will Starving Yourself Help You Live Longer? ~ As much as bleeding a lot will.

At Estée Lauder, a Brand Is Developed Just for China ~ It’s called “Estée Rauder.”

Woman Sues Ex Over Trove of Secret Tapes ~ Despite what the headline says, we’re inclined to believe that the woman’s lawsuit against her ex concerns a trove of very public tapes.

Man Mauled in Bronx Zoo Tiger Den ~ Both parties got their just desserts.

“He Wasn’t All That GRRRRRRRRRRREAT!”

These Things We Believe, Part The First

19 Wednesday Sep 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Philosophy

≈ 24 Comments

Tags

be happy, blaming the victim, fun with stereotypes, happiness, hockey, homeless people, it's akin to taking a shower while wearing a raincoat, mental illness, philanthropy, philosophy, poor grammar, Ralph Nader, time travel, United States of America, why am I so unhappy?

By Smaktakula

We Not Only Believe In The Sanctity Of Individual Opinion, But Believe That Everyone Should Feel That Way.

On Happiness

Around the world, millions–and perhaps more likely, billions–of people are unhappy. Curiously, this appears to be no less true in the United States of America, which, for all its recent travails still remains a relative land of plenty when compared to to the standard of living “enjoyed” by many of our fellow humans. It is strange that this should be so, not simply because of America’s aforementioned affluence, but because no other culture in history has invested so much of its time, energy and resources in an as-yet fruitless quest for contentment.

There exist a great many theories to explain the first-world despair experienced by so many Americans, but the true causes are likely myriad. The effects  of the nation’s increasingly frenetic rainbow-chase in search of fulfillment have been somewhat more tangible.

“School’s Out School’s Out / Teachers Let The Monkeys Out / One Was Jailed, One Prevailed / Both Asked God “How Have I Failed?”

As a consequence of this happiness deficit, two distinct, but inextricably-linked notions have become prevalent in the American psyche. The first is that unhappy people are somehow failures. The second, in typical, blame-the-victim fashion, contends that unhappy people are themselves responsible for the tragic emptiness in their lives.

Folks, we absolutely believe this. If you–who has so goddamn much–isn’t happy, then you are a failure. And your unhappiness? It’s your fault.¹

We’ll talk more about this later.

You Know You Want It.

***

We Know It Shouldn’t Matter, But…

We believe that if you’re telling someone a story about a dude named Leroy, and Leroy happens to be white, you need to apprise the listener of that fact early in the story. This will prevent the intracranial explosion which would otherwise occur when you say something like, “My buddy stood in line for fourteen hours to get us these playoff tickets, but you know Leroy–he’s crazy about hockey!”²

Likewise, If This Guy’s Name Is “Chip,” “Chase” or “Skippy,” You’ll Want To Devote A Little More Time To Exposition.

***

We Could Not Be More Serious About This

We believe that an inverse, but very powerful, relationship exists between how seriously someone takes himself and how seriously he should be taken.

Ralph Nader, Whose Tireless Nagging Saved Countless Lives By Forcing The Automotive Industry To Design Safer Automobiles, Is In Many Ways Like A Condom. Like The Love-Glove, This Humorless Crusader Has Made Contemporary Life Unquestionably Safer Than In Years Past , While Simultaneously Stripping From It Much Of The Sensation Which Makes A Thing Worth Doing.

***

Tardsie As A Patron Of The Arts

Tardsie writes:

One day, not long ago, when my boys and I were walking into town to get ice cream cones, we passed a homeless dude who chatted me up a little before asking for some change. He was friendly, and didn’t bother regaling me with some fantastic tale of hardship or earnest promises to use the money for saintly purposes (although I love a well-crafted tale), so I told him I’d get him on the way back.

My older boys are not quite five, and I gave them a dollar each to give to the dude as we passed him a second time–they got a kick out of that–and then we walked home eating our ice cream.

I didn’t really think twice about the encounter until I ran into the same homeless guy a few days later in the course of my own rambles about town. He told me he’d managed to scrape up enough cash to get his guitar out of hock. It turns out he plays beautifully.

We believe that was money well-spent.

This Might’ve Been The Guy, Actually.

***

Another Time-Travel Paradox³

We believe that when scientists finally manage to shatter the barriers to the 4th dimension, and time travel at last becomes a reality, its use will necessarily be confined to a select, responsible few. Due to the delicate, precise nature of the time-stream, its stewardship must be tasked to only the most conscientious, upright individuals.

And really, this is kind of a shame. With all the potential for using this technology irresponsibly to achieve godlike pinnacles of power and riches beyond all the dreams of avarice–along with power’s attendant benefits, such as more tail than one individual could bang in a lifetime–it seems an almost criminal waste to award it to such joyless sticks-in-the-mud.

Such An Awesome Power Must Never Be Entrusted To The Likes Of Us.

***

¹It should go without saying that we do NOT include in this assessment those individuals grappling with mental illness. We hold in high regard those folks saddled with conditions like clinical depression or who are bi-polar and yet bravely dust themselves off after each setback and gamely wade back into the fray. The courage implicit in your daily struggle outshines those instances of resolve in our own lives of which we are most proud; it is a beautiful and wondrous thing to witness. Be sure to take your meds. ∞ T.
² The genesis for this nugget of wisdom springs from a story my wife told me recently about a former co-worker of hers. However, in real life the instance of complete and total bafflement centered not around ice hockey, but country music.  ∞ T.
³ Grammar-ninnies and vocabuladorks will be quick to point out our improper use of the word paradox. Nothing’s being done to the word that hasn’t been done to ‘irony’ for years now, so keep your panties on. Yeah, we ended that with a preposition. So what? Down is not the direction in which we will be backing! ∞ T.

Russia Narrowing Stupidity Gap

13 Monday Aug 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, History, News

≈ 39 Comments

Tags

alien abductions, America's edge in stupidity, brilliant dirty weirdos, hygiene, ignorance, national stupidity, places that suck, Russia, Russians sure like that vodka, Soviet Union, space program, UFO abductions, United States of America, USSR, Why am I so stupid?, Yuri Gagarin

By Smaktakula

Russia Has Long Since Overtaken The United States In Both Skankery And Malodorous Body Funk. Must America Also Cede Her Edge In Catastrophic Idiocy?

The United States is universally lampooned for among other things its hyper-religiosity, the public’s embarrassingly prevalent belief in alien abductions and for the inability of one-fifth of its population to locate the nation on a map. Labelled for so long as ignorant by the rest of the world and by elite, self-loathing Yanks, many Americans have come to accept as true their global inferiority in all matters intellectual. However, in what is sure to be welcome news to Americans, it appears that the Russian people may be even more dim-witted and liquor-dissipated than their hygienic Western counterparts.

“Is True. Dr. Grigori May Be Brilliant, Dirty Weirdo, But Is Not Typical Russian. Typical Russians Is Not Brilliant.”

This assertion is bolstered by the news that in Russia–Russia! The nation that beat the US into space!—1 in 3 adults believes that the sun revolves around the earth.

Declassified Soviet Documents Reveal The Real Reason For Russia’s Interest In Space: They Believed The Aether Was Filled With Life-Giving Vodka.

Why ‘Your’ Politician Is A Turd

17 Tuesday Jul 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture

≈ 44 Comments

Tags

Barack Obama, Democrats, don't vote stupid, dope, grass, hypocrisy, marijuana, Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, politicians, pot, Republicans, sweet sweet cheeba, the reefer, thinkin' 'bout stuff makes my head hurt somethin' turrible, United States of America, weed, Why am I so stupid?

By Smaktakula

If Venality, Stupidity And Incompetence Could Somehow Be Harnessed As Energy, Well, It Might Be Worth Having These Assholes Around.

Although Promethean Times tends to regard all office-seekers as suppurating anal abscesses until they can demonstrably prove otherwise, we are constantly amazed that so few people feel the same. Now, nearly EVERYBODY claims they hold politicians in contempt–complaining about the government is fun and easy after all. But if you begin to name specific politicians, these same people will almost always hold in exception those one or two politicians whom they believe are, unlike all the others, really trying to serve America’s needs. “Oh…well, not Senator Schmidlapp. He really tries to do good things for people.” No, he tries to steer federal funding to his state so that (if he’s ‘clean’) he can secure reelection, or (in the likely event he’s dirty) make some of his cronies rich.

If there’s any better indication that your pet pol is a douchebag, it’s that he (and we don’t mean to exclude lady politicians–those plucky gals have achieved a level of suckdom every bit as pronounced as that of their male counterparts) lies to you constantly. In fact, that’s why you vote for him.

Believes That The Obama Administration Is Trying To Put One Over On The American People. Won’t Show You His Taxes.

Take Obamacare, for example, having inflamed the public once again in light of the Supreme Court’s decision upholding the plan. Two very distinct narratives have emerged from Washington. To know which of these very different scenarios your politician blindly adheres, you need only to look at the letter after his name.

If there’s an R after his name, then it’s a sure-fire guarantee he favors the tableau of a morally bankrupt America which has been decimated by socialized medicine, more akin to the grey homogeneity of the Soviet Bloc than to the America remembered by the true patriots.  Obamacare is the end of life as we know it.

Drug Dealer In High School. Doesn’t Want Sick People To Have Access To Marijuana.

Not so, say the Democrats. If your boy has a D after his name, he believes that Obamacare is the only salvation for a bloated, moribund nation fattening itself on its own entrails. Not only will this miracle panacea halt America’s precipitous decline, but it will rapidly replenish the nation’s coffers, cut down skyrocketing medical costs, and transform America into the Care-Bear land of cuddly goodness it was always meant to be.

So are the Republicans right? The Democrats? Maybe something in between?

“I May Be A Brainless Talking Points Machine, But I’m Smarter Than The Guy Standing Next To Me.”

Here’s what we know, folks: We don’t know. There may be plenty of good reasons to support or oppose this legislation, and it is not unrealistic to believe economic models can predict Obamacare’s effects with some degree of accuracy. But that’s it–it’s a guess, either way. An educated guess? Sure–but a guess nonetheless.

Now, that’s not true–Smaktakula–I’ve seen statistics that show… ~ Yeah, but did you understand them? No you didn’t. You’re trusting an economist who did the number crunching for you. Hey, he might be right–but you don’t know for sure.

Socialized medicine has been tried in other countries and… ~ And this is different. It’s a different plan in a different country. It could work just fine here, or it could be a bust. It’s okay to have an opinion, but remember–you don’t know.

Because of Obamacare, children born today can expect… ~ Okay, now you REALLY don’t know.

He Never Wasted Any Time With Self-Doubt Either.

So you don’t know for sure. Why then, do you believe your politician does? Do you suppose he’s smarter than you are? Have you heard these people talk at any length without a teleprompter? They’re ALL Joe Biden.

So while he may have formed an educated opinion (or just as likely not) as to whether Obamacare will deliver the nation to a magical pixie-land of unending happiness or consign us to the dustbin of history, he really can’t be any more certain of it than you.

Why then, do our politicians on both sides of the aisle and their pet journalists discuss this significant issue with a certainty that would make the most brainwashed cultist look like a half-asser? It’s because they’re turds–turds who have no respect for your intelligence. So please, have a little for yourself and don’t vote stupid.

We Just Know You’re Gonna Vote Stupid.

This Day In History: July 2, 1776 CE

02 Monday Jul 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, History, Holiday, Mythology, National Events, People, Relationships, Social Networking

≈ 8 Comments

Tags

1776, all men are created equal, Declaration of Independence, Founding Fathers, Great Britain, Independence Day, John Hancock, July 2nd, July 4th, King George III, liberty, Liberty Hall, Pennsylvania, Philadelphia, Redcoats, taxation without representation, this day in history, Thomas Jefferson, United States of America

On which the Founding Fathers tell the tyrant King George III what he can do with his onerous taxes and hated Redcoats.

“Brothers, Let These Words Ring Out Not Only Across A Grateful Nation, But Also May They Resound Throughout Almighty Posterity Itself: Because In Signing This, We Are Good And Truly Fucked.”

Flag Day

14 Thursday Jun 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, History, Politics

≈ 9 Comments

Tags

American Flag, China, Flag Day, gay people, idol worship, jingoism, my country right or wrong, Stars and Stripes, true meanings of holidays, United States of America

By Smaktakula

On which we celebrate a piece of cloth, but not the brave young men and women who died for it. They already have their own day.

The ‘USA’ Mentioned Here Is A Mid-Size Village In China.

Because we just don’t see enough of the flag these days.

No, That’s ‘Flag’ Day–With An ‘L.’ Your Day Will Come.

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