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This piece originally ran on 11.19.10
The hearts of aging Anglophiles and reclusive shut-ins worldwide are aglow with the happy news of Prince William’s engagement to his long-time girlfriend, the lovely Kate Middleton. Kate and William, the future king of England and “good son” of Prince Charles and Diana Spencer, plan to marry sometime in 2011.
As the excitement surrounding the announcement fades in the coming weeks, the public’s attention will turn increasingly toward the next phase in this royal relationship. Soon, millions will be asking: Who will be William’s Camilla Parker-Bowles?
Today the frumpy, horse-faced wife of the no-less plain Prince Charles is known as Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall. However, fans of late 20th Century history will remember Parker-Bowles as the frumpy, horse-faced wife of Andrew Parker-Bowles and semi-secret lover of Prince Charles. The pair married in 2005, culminating a longtime affair so passionate that in an “Eww” moment for the ages, Charles revealed his desire to be Parker-Bowles’ “Tampax.” He was joking, if it makes any difference.
“When we ask ‘Who will be William’s Camilla?’ we’re not asking the right question,” says Tory MP Robert Howell of Pecos-upon-Orange, “The Prince is quite an accomplished young man, who fortunately has his mother’s looks. There’s no reason to suggest he couldn’t do much better with the ladies than his father. Comparisons to Parker-Bowles only serve to diminish public expectations for what William could potentially achieve, and in this we do the young Royal a great disservice.”
Adds Howell, “Frankly, it’s time we as Britons placed a higher standard upon our princes in terms of their sexual conquests. I quite think Harry’s got the idea.”
But others aren’t so sure. “Aye, t’ young prince ul pick a dowdy lass for sure,” says Eamonn Harker, a York shepherd, “It’s tradition, ennit?” Historian Nigel Ennis-Butterwort agrees. “Traditionally, English Royals pick attractive spouses. This is thought to be a reaction to a succession of homely Queens, such as Victoria or Elizabeth II.”
“However,” says Ennis-Butterwort, “It is in the selection of a paramour that we see the ghost of Oedipus. You’ve heard that men marry their mothers? In the case of British Royals, this is absolutely not true–they reject homely women as marriage partners–but take them as lovers.”
This arrangement seems to satisfy the British commoner. “Oo wants uh queen what’s uh worn-out slag?” asks bookmaker Harry Hollis, “Nowt, at’s oo.”
Close observers of the Royal Family are already hard at work attempting to predict Prince William’s choice of butterfaced bed-buddy. It will be some time before there is even the slightest agreement as to the type of dog William is likely to bag, let alone consensus on a name.
Fortunately, readers of Promethean Times won’t have to wait to find out. Using our state-of-the-art prognosticative software, we’ve determined Prince William’s likely future lover. Readers will remember that Promethean Times has on one more than one occasion scooped the major media outlets by being the first to correctly identify leaders’ potential lovers, including Monica Lewinsky (Look for a plump girl of Eastern European extraction; possibly with a predilection for French headwear) and Camilla Parker-Bowles herself (Charles will most likely seek comfort in the embrace of some variety of barnyard animal).
By our analysis, the Prince’s paramour will be a study of contradictions:
- Physically unattractive, but exotic.
- Well-educated, but somewhat backward.
- Personally wealthy, but from a poor culture.
- Socially inept, but commanding great power.
You heard it here first. Prince William will make Kate Middleton the Queen of England, but not the queen of his heart. Somewhere across the whole of the Eurasian landmass William’s soulmate awaits, the Prince’s love bringing a small, brave light to the corrupted heart of a doomed land.