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By Smaktakula

Just as popular music’s reputation has been besmirched by unwholesome potty-mouths like Ke$ha, Lil Wayne and hairless hit factory Justin Bieber, words also can be unfairly tainted by an apparent, but nonexistent connection between them.  Words which sound similar can be easily confused, particularly if one of them is among the most emotionally laden in the English language.  Some words, even those with wholly innocent meanings and uttered by well-intentioned speakers, invite scorn and opprobrium with the thunderous quickness of a loud fart in a quiet church.

"Well, I Guess I'll Go Clean Out My Desk Now."

Such a word is Niggardly.  Although the origins of the word are wholly innocent, descended from Old English and Scandinavian roots and meaning stingy or miserly, niggardly should never be spoken.  Not ever.  Never, never, never.  You know why.

Few other words can suck the life from a room with the rapidity of this adjective.  Rather than employ this conversation-killer, we recommend using one of the aforementioned synonyms or choosing from among the plethora available, including but not limited to “parsimonious,” “cheap” or “tight.”  If no other word will suffice, then for the sake of common decency as well as your own safety, please say “N-Wordly.”

"I'm Fully Aware Of The Wordth' Meaning, And Moreover That Your Motiveth Were Not To Give Offenth. It Ith For Entirely Different Reathonth That I Will Be Feeding You Your Own Thpleen."

It’s still acceptable to say ‘There’s a chink in my armor,’ but only if your chain mail tunic has been swiped by the dastardly Sir Lee and his nefarious Knights of the Tong. ∞T.