• Get To Know Promethean Times!
  • Magnificent Bastards
  • Douchebags Emeritus

Promethean Times

~ A Collection of Oddities Calculated to Amuse, Enlighten and Horrify.

Promethean Times

Category Archives: Literature

Headlines: In Which No Puppies Were Harmed Or Abducted

13 Friday Mar 2015

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, Entertainment, Headlines, History, Literature, News, Philosophy, Religion, Science, Stupidity

≈ 19 Comments

Tags

Afghanistan, alcohol abuse, American Civil War, Big Bang Theory, Bitcoin, Cal Poly, Chicago, death by automobile, death by Ebola, drinking games, Ebola, fraternities, Glee, grammar nerd, gut wounds, Illinois, Italian Stereotypes, Jewish people, Justin Bieber, keggers, lesbians, Maury Povich, Michael Jackson, pederasts, poor people, rich people, Samurai swords, San Luis Obispo, shopping sucks, Smaktakula's abiding love for his own voice, Superman, tritransitive verbs

By Smaktakula

The Real Question Isn’t Why We Don’t Bother To Read The Articles, But Rather, Why Everyone Else DOES?

In which, armed with nothing more than a severely attenuated attention span and an ignorance both boundless and sublime, we respond to the news headlines of the day without bothering to first read the articles.

***

Puppy survives after being locked in car for almost a month ~ And he’ll no doubt think twice next time before chewing Daddy’s new putter.

Will my wife learn to love her vibrator more than me? ~ Totally. Dude, you’re fucked. Not literally, obviously.

Do American Jews Live in a Cocoon? ~ How is it fair that you get away with saying a thing like that? That time when Smaktakula said that Jewish people were terrifying moth-like creatures, HE lost his job!

Good advice on dying more slowly ~Try for a gut wound. It’ll take you all day to die.

Superman took my virginity ~ Is but one of the many titillating revelations to be found in the pages of the forthcoming memoir, “I Was A Teenage Robin.”

"More Powerful Than A Locomotive." What The Hell Did You THINK Would Happen?

“More Powerful Than A Locomotive.” Just What The Hell Did You THINK Would Happen?

Did Your School Make This Exclusive List? ~ You know it didn’t, and I don’t think it’s very nice the way you keep asking.

Why is math easier for some kids than for others? ~ Because some kids are Asian.

Italian family buries mother they said was still alive ~ “She was…eh…how you say?…a beech.”

What Can Bitcoin Buy? No More Heroin, but Baklava and a Dinner Date ~ Yeah, well we can buy that stuff with grown-up money, thank you very much.

Funeral director says Chicago gun violence destroying city ~ “Which is why I moved my gigantic mansion to the suburbs. So sad.”

We All Deal With The Pain In Our Own Way.

Each Man Must Blaze His Own Trail Through The Forests Of Grief.

Puppy stolen at San Luis Obispo adoption event ~ We’d call that an undocumented adoption.

Killing a Patient to Save His Life ~ Is a notion that’s absurd on its very face.

It’s OK to Like ‘The Big Bang Theory’ ~ Look, simply saying a thing doesn’t make it true.

Poll: Did you ignore the experts’ advice on when to feed a baby solid food? ~ There are people who are willing to give you advice on that kind of thing?

CNN Poll: Afghanistan Least-Popular War in US History ~ Really? And not the American Civil War? ‘Cause in that one, literally everyone who died was one of our boys.

And Every One Of Them A Good Guy (As It Were).

And Every One Of Them A Good Guy (As It Were).

Why You Hate The Sound Of Your Own Voice ~ It’s like you don’t even know me.

Has ‘Glee’ Officially Taken It Too Far? ~ Oh, please. Okay, first of all, for something to be declared “official”, some sort of governing body must exist with the authority to make pronouncements regarding how far “it” has been taken. Moreover, in the ridiculously unlikely event that a network television show did somehow manage to find itself “taking it too far”, it’s a pretty safe bet that show wouldn’t be a cloying time-killer aimed at campy gay dudes and lonely spinsters. 

Man Returns from Prison to Find Dead Wife’s Mummified Remains ~ Right where he left them.

Man jumps to his death rather than continue shopping with his girlfriend ~ We’ve all been there, buddy.

Cal Poly proposal would ban kegs, drinking games at Greek parties ~ Hell, you might as well just got to a community college then.

PARTY!

You Know Who Owes Their Very Existence To The Fact That College Kids Once Hosted Keggers And Played Drinking Games?–My Children.

Samurai Sword-Wielding Lesbian Murders Woman With Her Car ~ Why does it matter that a) she’s a lesbian, and b) that she was wielding a Samurai-sword, since it was a car she killed the other chick with?

Does Any Language Have Tritransitive Verbs? ~ I’m kind of a grammar nerd, but even I want to shove your head into a toilet right now.

Jermaine Jackson — Michael Jackson Would’ve Set Justin Bieber Straight ~ By which he means that his brother would have molested a preteen Justin Bieber.

Where Did Ebola Come From? Likely One Person, Gene Study Finds ~ Well, that dude’s a dick, then!

Is sex only for rich people? ~ If that really were true, do you think there would still be so many poor people running around all over the place?

And If Countless Hours Spent Viewing Maury Povich Has Taught Us Anything, It's That Poor People Indeed Like To Do The Nasty.

And If The Countless Hours Spent Watching Maury Povich Have Taught Us Anything, It’s That Poor People Seem To Enjoy Doin’ The Nasty.

***

Headlines: I Was A Caveman’s Love-Puppet

03 Monday Feb 2014

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, Entertainment, Headlines, History, Literature, Music, News, Philosophy, Politics, Religion, Science, Sport, Stupidity

≈ 17 Comments

Tags

ADHD, Africa, alcoholism, backwater shithole, bad parents, bees, Benjamin Franklin, bigfoot, breastuses, cannabis, Cee-Loo Green, cheating, childish sexual innuendo, cryptids, death by party bus, death by smoking, don't hate us because we're ignorant, dope, drugs, economics, ecstasy, environmental crisis, exotic dancers, fibromyalgia, Friends, gay people, Germany, God, grass, hemp, Jane Austen, Justin Bieber, Kool-Aid, Lance Armstrong, legalize it, marijuana, Mexico, MILFs, monster trucks, Nazi Germany, neanderthals, New Jersey, opposable thumbs, Oprah Winfrey, performance-enhancing drugs, places that suck, Playboy, pornography, pot, pr0n, reefer, refugees, Russia, Russians sure like that vodka, sexism, short people, skonks, Smaktakula's distrust of short people, smoking, strippers, stupid people, sweet sweet cheeba, the abysmal state of American public education, transplants, United States of America, weed, West Virginia, Why am I so stupid?, you got a real purty mouth

By Smaktakula

We Quite Literally Regard It As Something Of A Miracle That The World Is Peopled By So Many Strange And Beautiful Creatures For Us To Poke Fun At.

In which we talk a lot of shit.

***

15-year-old girl caught stripping for the 2nd time ~ You think THAT’S bad? We heard that last year a 14-year-old was caught stripping at the same place!

Why Wasn’t West Virginia Better Prepared for Massive Spill? ~ Look, if those cretinous hillbillies can’t get their heads around indoor plumbing, don’t you think that expecting them to tackle a massive environmental disaster is asking a bit much?

The Science Behind Bigfoot and Other Monsters ~ Is called “junk science.”

What would it take for Justin Bieber to get deported? ~ An ugly sort of populism more at home in Nazi Germany than in the US of A.

What You Should NEVER Say To a Fibromyalgia Patient ~ “Oh, yeah–I had a crazy aunt who had one of those made-up diseases, too.”

‘Tits McGee’: Growing Up With Big Boobs ~ It distracts a little from the very serious nature of your subject when you tag your headline with one of the all-time funniest nicknames ever created for an amply-endowed lass.  However, it’s perfectly understandable that you don’t appreciate the appellation’s amusing nature, as we imagine that even after all these years you still fail to see the humor in it.

Hey, Look At The Bright Side, Chesty–Not Many People Can Claim They’re A Human Life-Jacket.

My Dad Will Never Stop Smoking Pot ~ Son, Daddy uses this forum to write silly jokes about the headlines to news stories he can’t be bothered to read. I appreciate you voicing your concerns, but we’ll talk about this a little later in private–okay, Sport?

HumanBrainCellsMakeMiceSmarter ~ But lacking opposable thumbs, they still can’t work the damn space bar on the keyboard.

Absolutely, positively, no “Friends” reunion in the works ~ The proof of a kind and loving God is everywhere, if you only look for it.

Lance Armstrong Tells Oprah Winfrey Why He Doped ~ “Well, you see, Oprah, I made a lot more money when I won races, and the boys in R&D crunched some numbers and they discovered that I seemed to win more races when I was a chemically enhanced super-human. So, really–it was kind of a no-brainer.”

NJ teen dies after sticking head out of a party bus ~ The Garden State mourns one of its best & brightest.

Playboy: Still Sexist After All These Years ~ And sexism has no place in the protein-starched pages of a men’s pornographic magazine!

Ha! Well What Did She Think Would Happen When She Decided To Do Something Besides Teach School Until She Caught A Husband?

Suspect Showed Cool During Inquiry ~ Said a police spokesperson: “We knew pretty early on that anyone that cool just couldn’t be guilty.”

Passion for vodka kills Russian men in their thousands ~ “Passion for vodka” is a delightfully poetic way to describe Russia’s endemic alcoholism.

What Students With ADHD Want to Tell Their Teachers ~ “I had a turtle once, but it died. Wanna ride bikes?”

Bullard Says Downturn Hardest on Young, Less-Educated Families ~ It’s unfortunate, but hardly surprising when you consider that about the only thing made easier for stupid people is public school.

Cee-Lo Green pleads not guilty to charge of giving woman ecstasy ~ Smaktakula is a married man, and hasn’t given a woman ecstasy in years.

How much Neanderthal DNA do you have? Lots ~ “Jesus, Frank–there has GOT to be a better way to say that. Look, I had a couple of really unfortunate encounters during my time-travel adventures in the Pleistocene Era, and all I want to do right now is take a shower and try to forget about it.”

“Listen, Garrkkokk–I Just Don’t Think I’ll Ever Be Able To Trust You Again. It’s Times Like This When I Remember Why Our Two Species Diverged.”

Why Mom’s Time Is Different From Dad’s Time ~ Because dad’s time is important.

Mexico ‘monster truck’ crash kills eight at air show ~ Okay, but the SECOND saddest thing about this story is that Mexican AIR shows feature monster trucks.

Ex-Marlboro man dies from smoking-related disease in SLO ~ Wow–how ironic. That’s what we’d be saying if this weren’t the exact opposite of something which is ironic.

Blyth Mum Spends £3,000 On Pink Baby Accessories – Then Has A Boy! ~ Well, if our understanding of heritable traits is correct, he’ll likely be a profoundly stupid boy.

Miley Cyrus Goes Braless For Cosmo ~ Cosmo Krystalos is her meth connection.

Never Forget: Benjamin Franklin Was Into MILFs ~ Why would we forget that? The Founding Father’s legendary lust for tail is unquestionably the most interesting thing about the man.

He Only Hung Out With Kool-Aid ‘Cause He Was Mad For Tang.

What Jane Austen Teaches Us About Economics ~ That it’s boring and outdated?

Just Because He Breathes : Learning to Truly Love Our Gay Son ~ If you haven’t learned to “truly love” your son well before he reaches an age at which he expresses a sexual preference, then you might suck a little at momming and dadding.

African refugees in Italy ‘told to go to Germany’ ~ “Uh, we’re immigrants, not idiots. We like it here just fine.”

Wild Bees Won’t Survive in a Human-Dominant World ~ Please. We’ve rocked this mud-ball for millennia, and bees have done all right up until now.

Double-transplant patient loses legs ~ They’re not your fucking car keys, dude! Somebody went to a lot of trouble to get you those legs, and the least you can do is keep an eye on them.

“‘Short-man syndrome’ is real ~ Given the tragic and debilitating nature of their shared genetic curse, we think it’s a remarkable display of perseverance most mornings for these nasty little creatures even to come skulking from their filthy dens into the bright light of day.

The Fact That You Rarely See Lawn Jockeys These Days Should Give You An Idea Of How Profoundly Offensive Shortness Has Become In Modern Society.

***

Somehow–Some Way–We Will Go On

06 Saturday Apr 2013

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, Entertainment, Literature, News

≈ 18 Comments

Tags

Africa, Celebrity Death Watch, celebrity deaths, Chinua Acbebe, famous for nothing, film critics, low-brow entertainment, reality television, Roger Ebert, Shane Gandee, Things Fall Apart, those who can't do become critics

By Smaktakula

“Now Who Will Tell Me What To Think Of The Movies I Watch?”

The world has lost two very special people in recent days, both of whom made significant contributions to popular culture and the arts. There will be others who will follow in the trails these men blazed and perhaps forge paths of their own, leading us into mysterious lands yet undreamed. But never again will we see the likes of these two.

Shane Gandee: The cretinous reality TV yob is believed to have perished along with two other yokels of carbon monoxide poisoning.

His Corpse Was Discovered In A Twenty-Year-Old Pickup Partially Submerged In Mud, So You Know He Died Doing What He Loved, Y’All.

Roger Ebert: The beloved film critic and prosthetics enthusiast succumbed to a lengthy battle with cancer.

After Penning The Cult Oddity “Beyond The Valley Of The Dolls,” Ebert Realized His Was Genius Lay Not In Creating Films, But In Telling People How To Feel About Films Other People Created.

Goodbye, dear friends, goodbye. The arts are poorer for your loss.

Also, for the sake of completeness, some dude from Africa, Chinua Achebe, kicked off a couple of weeks ago. No, we hadn’t heard of him either–he wrote a book or something.

Well, Sure–He May Have Been The Greatest Literary Voice In The History Of An Entire Continent, But Roger Ebert Was The Greatest Movie Critic In The Whole World.

LIKE Promethean Times on Facebook!

LIKE Promethean Times on Facebook!

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

The Best Of Times

  • People Actually Believe That? Ramtha And The Lizard-Beasts Of Mt. Rainier
  • Incest: On The Other Hand...
  • Historical Figures With Unfortunate Nicknames: 'Black Dick' Howe
  • Snowboarder's Empire Could Go Up In Smoke
  • My Friend Joey Park, Part III
  • A Funny Story About Clowns
  • Belgians: The World's Most Evil People

Dumb Stuff We Say On Twitter:

Tweets by prometheantimes

Recent Times

  • Teachable Moments
  • The Garden-Destroying Cross-Lot Food Fight
  • My Beef With That One Guy From ‘Fast Times At Ridgemont High’
  • Shelly The Parasitic Yoko of Pervert Alley
  • Welcome To Pervert Alley
  • A Profoundly Philosophical Question
  • My Friend Joey Park, Part III
  • My Friend Joey Park, Part II
  • My Friend Joey Park, Part I
  • Headlines: In Which No Puppies Were Harmed Or Abducted
  • Profiles in Loutishness
  • Bet Your Bottom Dollar That Tomorrow
  • Mea Culpa: 55 Cent
  • Goat Mayo
  • Headlines: More News We Don’t Understand
  • The Aging Gunslinger
  • Hungarian Fone Kard
  • Fresh Socks For Homeless Walter
  • I’m An Ass, And I’m Sorry
  • Headlines: I Was A Caveman’s Love-Puppet
  • Untruth & Consequences: Debriefing
  • To All The Girls I’ve Loved Before
  • My Missing Medal
  • Promethean Times Questions Existence Of Sri Lanka
  • Headlines: Shaking And Stirred

WORD.

Adolf Hitler Afghanistan Africa anti-semitism bad parents Barack Obama Baseball bigotry Bill Clinton California Canada cannabis Celebrity Death Watch childish sexual innuendo China cocaine comical despots dope douchebaggery drugs famous for nothing fat people foolish choices fun with stereotypes gay people Germany gold digger grass headlines helpful hints hemp homosexuality hypocrisy impoverished third-world hellhole Iran Islam jackassery Japan Kim Jong-il LiLo Lindsay Lohan Los Angeles Dodgers marijuana Mexico Muammar al-Gaddafi mullets muslims North Korea outright lies places that suck pot racism reefer religious intolerance skankery skanks Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French Smaktakula's distrust of short people Smaktakula's hypocrisy can sometimes be astounding stupid people sweet sweet cheeba Tardsie's True-Ass Tales that trick never works the French this day in history treachery true meanings of holidays United Kingdom United States of America untalented stars weed Where Are They Now? Why am I so fat? Why am I so stupid? you got a real purty mouth

Promethean History

June 2023
M T W T F S S
 1234
567891011
12131415161718
19202122232425
2627282930  
« Oct    

Search The Prometheosphere

Recent Comments

Vivek Golikeri on Alexandra Wallace: Ching-Chong…
Tim on People Actually Believe That?…
Anonymous on Commercials We Do Not Like: Me…
Dudley on Diff’rent Strokes Curse…
Anonymous on Commercials We Do Not Like: Me…
Smaktakula on Putting The Italian Army To Go…
David on Putting The Italian Army To Go…
Rackuzius on Brilliant, Dirty Weirdo Said T…
Smaktakula on Teachable Moments
Yoshihiko Motaro on Teachable Moments
Anonymous on Words Never To Use: N****…
Alex C on Putting The Italian Army To Go…
Usman Makhdoom on Alexandra Wallace: Ching-Chong…
Lary James on Untruth & Consequences: Do…
Jay on Teachable Moments

Tardsie D. Bagg

Smaktakula

Networked Blogs

NetworkedBlogs
Blog:
Promethean Times
Topics:
Satire, Irreverence, Snarkery
 
Follow my blog

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.

  • Follow Following
    • Promethean Times
    • Join 459 other followers
    • Already have a WordPress.com account? Log in now.
    • Promethean Times
    • Customize
    • Follow Following
    • Sign up
    • Log in
    • Report this content
    • View site in Reader
    • Manage subscriptions
    • Collapse this bar
 

Loading Comments...