Tag Archives: Adolf Hitler

Please Don’t Vote Stupid!

04 Sunday Nov 2012

Posted by in Culture, News, Politics, Stupidity

≈ 29 Comments

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By Smaktakula

In The Land Of The Free, It’s Just Something You Have To Do.

With the 2012 Presidential Election at last coming to its ugly and no-doubt contentious conclusion, the American public is eager for the cessation of those unpleasantries attendant with any election year, but which have become especially pronounced in recent years. The most ubiquitous among these are the dizzying array of inescapable political ads which ruin commercial breaks and jam the nation’s mailboxes and inboxes, replete with well-moneyed half-truths and contradictory claims designed to fool the very stupid. No less odious are the half-witted, hyper-strident statements made in public and on social media by partisans of all stripes, armed with questionable facts and subjective statistics culled conveniently from publications which mirror their dogmatically monomaniacal beliefs.

Folks, We Don’t Want You To Get The Idea That You MUST Vote. Particularly If You Aren’t Prepared To Vote Responsibly.

Most insidious of all, however, is a widely held misconception which is quickly gaining an acceptance so entrenched as to render it a bedrock tenet of the American mythology, and unless quickly checked, will continue to fill the hallways of power in Washington with ineffectual partisan functionaries perpetually running for re-election. This misconception most often takes form in the platitude,  ‘It’s vital to our democracy that everyone vote.’  Ignoring for the sake of argument the contention that the United States is a democracy,¹ the idea of voting at all costs, despite your head being firmly entrenched within your nether-regions, is a perfectly horrible notion.

He’s Right When He Says The Last Four Years Aren’t His Fault. They’re Yours.

But the idea takes shape further in the notion that if you don’t vote, you can’t complain, meaning only those who directly participate in the electoral process have a right to express dissatisfaction with the nation’s leadership. This is at best iffy logic in a society where freedom of speech is enshrined more highly than direct representation.  And yet, if we follow this flawed logic, we see that like those who didn’t bother to vote, those who voted for the winning candidate have also forfeited their right to complain. In fact, the only people with a right to complain are those who voted for the other guy.

The Great Thing About Mitt Romney Is That He Offers Choice–There Are Like 13 Different Versions Of The Man–You Can Vote For The One You Find Least Offensive.

***

They Told Her It Said “SLUT.”

By All Means, Take Your Political Advice From A Dude Who Can’t Decide Which Ridiculous Name To Call Himself From One Week To The Next.

You Still Think It’s Important For ‘Everyone’ To Vote?

Because It Feels So Good To Pretend To Know What You’re Talking About.

“24-Inch Pythons” Won’t Help You Vote Responsibly.

“They Voted Me In.”

***

¹In fact it is not.  The United States of America is, and always has been, a democratic republic.  We refer to the United States as a democracy because it’s easier, and because Americans are just a little bit stupid. ∞T.

The Apple And The Razor Blade

31 Wednesday Oct 2012

Posted by in Crime, Culture, News

≈ 15 Comments

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By Smaktakula

We’re Thinking That Any Kid Who Bites Into This Maybe Deserves To Be Taught A Lesson.

Anyone who’s ever gone trick-or-treating (sorry Jehovah’s Witnesses, you’ll just have to use your imaginations) has likely heard the various tales breathlessly told about tainted candy passed off to unsuspecting children. Although these ghastly stories of stranger-danger are myriad, chief among them in its capacity to fascinate and horrify the public consciousness is the legend of the razor blade hidden in an apple.

Since Kids Carrying These Will Never Accept Your Apple, You Might Just Want To Stab The Little Door-To-Door Panhandler.

As a child, you were no doubt admonished never to eat an apple received while trick-or-treating (which ignores entirely the fact that anyone who gives out apples to kids on Halloween is already demonstrably ill), as psychos were believed to have developed some new-fangled technology for inserting a blade into the fruit without marring its skin. The tales weren’t limited to blades of course, but encompassed a variety of poking and piercing implements, including syringes. Although this rumor has persisted since the 1960s (and before that in the form of poisoned rather than bladed candy), it has never been true. Never, ever, ever. Never.

So Is It Still True About Jamie Lee Curtis Being Born A Hermaphrodite? No, Don’t Tell Us–Let Us Keep At Least Something To Believe In.

That is, it was never true until 2000, when Minneapolis-based douchebag James Joseph Smith decided to breathe life into the old tale by hiding needles in the candy bars he would give to trick-or-treaters. He was jailed after at least one child was injured by the deadly confection. Not only was Smith able to transform an amusing urban legend into a terrifying reality, but he simultaneously reinforced Promethean Times‘ long-held conviction that Minnesotans are by far America’s most evil people.

True: After Narrowly Being Defeated In Minnesota’s 1932 Gubernatorial Contest, Adolf Hitler Opted To Try His Luck In German Politics.

To our friends on the East Coast: we know it’s hard for you to get information right now, but Minnesota has been saying some really shitty stuff about you on TV. Iowa told them to shut up, but Minnesota said they didn’t care who heard. We didn’t think that was cool, and just thought you should know. ∞ T.

Headlines: The Real Secret Of Our Success

04 Tuesday Sep 2012

Posted by in Celebrity, Culture, News, Politics

≈ 25 Comments

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By Smaktakula

He’ll Go Halfsies With You On Gas. But For Your Own Sanity, Avoid The Topic Of Non-Aryan Drivers.

In which we comment on the headlines without first reading the articles.

***

The Task in Tampa: Reintroducing Romney ~ Hey–we know social situations can sometimes be awkward. Just put your brave face on, go out there and say, “Hi there folks–I think you remember me, I’m Mitt Romney.” That’s all there is to it.

MMA Fighter Found Naked in Church ~ Witnesses wisely observed from a safe distance until the man wandered off on his own.

TV’s Top 5 Racist Shows ~ #3 is ’60 Minutes.’ Who knew?

Did Your Ancestor Date a Neanderthal? ~ It depends on who you ask. Throgga says that yes, they were boyfriend/girlfriend, but according to Grandpa, they were simply buddies “with an understanding.”

Introducing the Los Angeles Red Sox ~ Why not? LA already has no shortage of crimson-capped carpetbaggers.

Just The Sight Of The Fucking Rally Monkey Sends A Sexual Thrill Through The Collective Heart Of Assface Nation.

Opinion: Is America Ready for a Rich White Man As President? ~Isn’t it time that the elites had a say in how this country is run?

Go-cart chase ends in man’s arrest ~ Tonight, on your local FOX station: World’s Least-Dignified Police Chases.

‘Too High to Fail’ ~ It’s this notion that gives Smaktakula the confidence to get through his day.

Prostitutes add to mayor’s woes ~ Whoops! Typo. Instead of ‘woes’ that should say ‘hos.’ Make more sense now?

Giving teen moms the tools to change their lives ~ Since time-travel has yet to be perfected, here’s a coat-hanger.

What’s So Bad About a Boy Who Wants to Wear a Dress? ~ It’s just that somebody has to tell him he’ll never be able to wear a pencil skirt with an ass like that.

If This Is Comedy, Does That Mean It’s Okay To Laugh At Cross-Dressers? Jeez–Sorry, We Were Just Asking.

‘Honey Boo Boo’: That Joke Isn’t Funny Anymore ~ It’s black humor, though. It’s funny as hell, just not “ha ha” funny, y’know?

Old dude runs down bicyclist ~ Or, ‘Tuesday Afternoon in Coral Gables.”

Man locks self in airplane cockpit ~ Turns out he’s the pilot. Sorry for wasting your time like that.

Why are Sikhs targeted by anti-Muslim extremists? ~ They’re targeted by anti-Sikh extremists. What? So all psychotic extremists look alike to you, is that it? Listen, just because a dude has a monster truck, a Confederate Flag tattoo and a smile that’s more Skoal than tooth-enamel doesn’t mean he’s an anti-Muslim extremist. He could be an antisemitic extremist or one of the myriad genocidal fringe-dwellers that comprise this rich and storied culture. The point is, you just don’t know.

If Obama Really Wants To Reduce Troop Suicides, There’s A Better Option ~ Extricate ourselves from soul-crushing foreign wars. What, too easy?

Is Kanye West Controlling Kim Kardashian? ~ No doubt he is. But someone has to so that the poor girl isn’t left with her mouth hanging open, pissing all over the rug.

“HURRRRRRR!”

American Airlines gives more than 200 flight attendants jobs back 11 years later ~ They call ’em the ‘Air Hags’ now.

Ricardo Rodriguez, WWE Star, Gets Speeding Ticket –And did you hear? Luis Mendoza of the Kansas City Royals got his teeth cleaned!

Univision Chief Protests Lack Of Latino Voices ~ We’re pretty certain he didn’t make this statement while riding public transportation anywhere in Southern California.

“I Wish My Mother Had Aborted Me” ~ In this, you are not alone.

Romney tells supporters how dad got free McDonald’s for life ~ By claiming to find a rat’s leg in his Chicken McNuggets.

Breaking: Venus and Serena Williams are in really good shape ~ Will their example help tennis finally shed its image as a sport for great big fatsos?

Fatty Here Has More Chins Than The Shanghai White Pages.

Katie Holmes Is Getting Very Little From Tom Cruise ~ Which is why she divorced him.

Prince Harry in naked photo scandal ~ So do we go with a “Staff of Nobility” joke or the more pedestrian “Crown Jewels?” Ha! Neither. Sadly, the public is now aware of the terrible price that royal inbreeding has exacted from Harry; he has a club penis.

Detroit man excels at beating carnival games ~ And since he possesses the most useful, non-criminal skill in all the Motor City, we made him the mayor!

What We’ve Come to: About Half of Retired People in the U.S. Die with Less Than $10,000 in Financial Assets ~ Because it apparently matters how much money you have when you’re dead.

Men, Who Needs Them? ~ Do you think you could survive in a world of unopened jars?

What Will You Use These For After The Kids Are Weaned?

75 Years Ago In Promethean Times: Sorry About Your Blimp, Fritz!

12 Tuesday Jun 2012

Posted by in History, Politics

≈ 7 Comments

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By T. Bagg

Look At It This Way: It Would Be Hard To Stomach Seeing This Thing Flying Over The Super Bowl Every Year.

Friday, May 7th, 1937

In our coverage of yesterday’s Hindenburg tragedy in New Jersey, Promethean Times’ writer Irving Smaktakulawcyz  made several explosive statements which, given the scope of the horrific disaster, were at the very least ill-advised. Readers shocked by Mr. Smaktakulawcyz ‘s course language and indecent speech can rest assured that the scoundrel has been disciplined in accordance with the policies of this 150-year-old publication.

Mr. Smaktakulawcyz ‘s views do not represent those of Promethean Times. It is never acceptable, on or off the editorial page, to write such indecencies as “Burn, Fritz! Burn!” or “There’s sure to be several sauerkrauts back in the Fatherland tonight!” Moreover, under no circumstances do we find either appropriate or amusing Mr. Smaktakulawcyz ‘s repeated injunction, “Break out the buns, folks, ’cause we’ve got 35 char-broiled Frankfurters here!”

Irving Smaktakulawcyz: “Although It Would Later Be Determined That Thirty-Five Individuals Perished In The Disaster, Initial Estimates Were Much Lower. Witnesses At The Scene Recalled Hearing Several Victims Screaming ‘NINE!'”

Gentle readers, please believe that we are every bit as offended as yourselves by the inflammatory statements of this rogue reporter. We consider it a black eye upon Promethean Times‘ heretofore unblemished reputation for sober dignity in journalism. We assure our readers that in the future this publication shall never again cast aspersions at our European cousins and brethren in white Christendom.

Moreover, we wish to quell those rumors which currently abound, purporting that our wholehearted and abject apology to you, the reader, is something less than genuine. Let us be clear: this apology is not the result of German threats. As you know, it is the opinion of Promethean Times that while Herr Hitler talks a good game, the German Führer lacks the stomach to back up his empty saber-rattling.

On a final note, while we deplore some of the more caustic statements made by Mr.  Smaktakulawcyz, we are proud  of his first-rate reporting. We believe that long after the passage of time dulls the sting of the teutonophobic reporter’s badly chosen words, his accomplishments yesterday in Lakehurst, New Jersey will ring out through posterity. When future generations think upon this terrible event, they will be unlikely to remember the tepid bleating of Herbert “Oh, the humanity!” Morrison, but rather recall the stirring words of Irving Smaktakulawcyz: “Holy Fuck!  The fat dude in the lederhosen just went up like a Roman candle!”

What Do You Call It When A Bunch Of Nazi-Era Germans Get Burned To A Crisp? A *Tragedy*? We Suppose, But We Were Going For *Irony.*

The Roots Of Evil

12 Thursday Apr 2012

Posted by in Culture

≈ 10 Comments

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By Smaktakula

I hate those people who love to tell you
Money is the root of all that kills
They have never been poor
They have never had the joy of a welfare Christmas

Everclear

Sometimes a noble and worthwhile notion becomes lost within the confines of a hidebound maxim, its actual truth rendered forfeit to inflexible dogma. Among many such maxims is the old chestnut, “Money is the root of all evil.”

Remember, Folks: It Isn't The Money That Makes Him An Insufferable Cock.

It’s easy enough to believe. We’ve all known accounts of children who go hungry for want of money to buy food, and have perhaps been victims of theft ourselves, and know the hurt that greed can bring. A big wad of cash, after all, is enough to end a life. Conversely, we must also remember that money can  save a life, or many lives. Money can be used to buy food for that starving child. Money is a tool, and more than that, a concept; it is not evil in and of itself.

"I Didn't Do It For The Money, Man! I Did It For Love! And Because Steely Dan Said I Should."

To demonstrate money’s relative innocence in human evil, one has only to imagine Adolf Hitler, universally regarded as a wicked, wicked man. Hitler, although regularly used as a yardstick against by which various dictators, as well as to the last two American presidents, have been measured, was a uniquely iniquitous person, despicable enough to make even the devil blush. But for all his epic malignancy, there aren’t too many people who will argue that Hitler was in it to turn a profit.  Quite the opposite, in fact. It has been demonstrated time and time again that the abrupt removal of Jewish people from the community leads to an immediate and catastrophic implosion of the economy.

"So This Putz Is Thinking Maybe There's Someplace He Can Find A Good Lawyer For His War Crimes Trial? 'Good Luck To You,' I Told Him."

Is It Racist?

01 Tuesday Nov 2011

Posted by in Culture, Politics

≈ 2 Comments

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By Smaktakula

Would you be racist if you were to say this dude looks kinda looks like an older, fatter Hitler?

Racist? The Hitler Thing Is Tiresome, But It's Hardly Racist.

But wait just a moment! This gentleman is Rep. G. K. Butterfield of North Carolina, a member of the Congressional Black Caucus–he’s African-American.  That’s right–you just compared a black guy to Adolf Hitler, you filthy racist.

"Hey Bud, You Wanna Hang Out Sometime?"

We hope you’re proud of yourself. ∞T.

London Bridge Is Burning Down

09 Tuesday Aug 2011

Posted by in Crime, Culture, News, Politics

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By Smaktakula

The London Blitz Is A Hard Act To Follow.

Lacking an NHL or NBA Championship, kids in the UK aren’t afforded regular rioting opportunities like their American and Canadian counterparts.  In many parts of London, the window panes of Starbucks and T-Mobile outlets last for years, often for the life of the business.  So when Mark Duggan was shot dead by the police in Tottenham, local youth wasted no time in springing to action.

In America, Riots Are The Purview Of A Bored Middle Class.

Within days the party fever had spread to kids in Brixton, Islington and several other of London’s shitty backalleys.  The can-do kids of today’s UK have outdone previous generations of rioters, having set more of London ablaze than anyone since Adolf Hitler.

Although the crisis is only a few days old, some less scrupulous musicians are trying to make a name for themselves by capitalizing on the tragedy.  Observe:

“The Clash?”  They’ll never last.  One-hit wonders for sure. ∞T.

Hitler’s Belgian Origins Questioned

25 Monday Jul 2011

Posted by in Culture, History, Stupidity

≈ 17 Comments

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By Smaktakula

Idi Amin: Belgium's Favorite Son Gained Renown As A First-Rate Asshole.

Most objective observers will readily agree that not only is Promethean Times one of the world’s leading outlets for critical news and hard data, but is also darn near infallible.  As much as we would wish otherwise, these powers of almost deific accuracy do not extend to all of our readers.  For some tragically simple members of our audience, PT can be a confusing, scary place.

Despite Winning The Talent Competition With The Help Of His Living Shadow, Belgium's Mr. Universe Representative Fared Poorly In All Other Aspects Of The Competition.

Recently, a Promethean Times exposé on the rampant iniquities of Belgium, that nefarious nation of nasty ne’er-do-wells, has inadvertently caused some international hurt feelings.  At least two anonymous respondents (this anonymity is unsurprising when it is remembered that most Belgians do not have individual names, but identify one another through a complex cocktail of pheromones) allege that Promethean Times incorrectly implied internationally-despised dick Adolf Hitler had been born in Belgium.  In fact, the heinous dictator hailed from Austria.  It was never our intention to imply that history’s most reviled personage was of Belgian birth, and while we believe that our message was clear and straightforward, we nonetheless understand the powerful feelings evoked by this misinterpretation.

Belgian President Schml Jurgenvrk Wasted No Time In Issuing A Firm Response To Promethean Times, But It Was In Whatever Language Those People Speak--Jörg! Jörg! Jörg!--So We Just Tuned Him Out. It Was Probably Just More BS About This Year's Beet Crop. Seriously, We Don't Want To Hear One More Word About The Fucking Beet Weevil.

However, Promethean Times stands by its decision to include among Belgium’s notable figures the man who once deemed the low-lying country “my spiritual home,” calling it “full of gentle folk who share my unique appreciation for living space and abiding love for 99% of God’s creatures.”  Belgians wholeheartedly requited this affection, clasping the genocidal madman to their collective breast.  In 1947 Belgium demonstrated this ardor by changing the name of the nation’s capital from Wäfflesburg to Hitlertown.

Belgium: It's Around Here Somewhere.

Despite our slavish devotion to journalistic integrity and meticulous research, it is possible–however unlikely–that we will from time to time commit factual errors.  We trust that our careful readers will bring any such errors to our attention.  ∞T.

Headlines 10.19.11

19 Tuesday Jul 2011

Posted by in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, History, Music, News, Religion, Sport, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

Yeah, But France Was Smart Enough To Quit Before Anyone Got Hurt.

Nothing but headlines.  You should know by now, folks–we don’t read so well.

***

Hugh Hefner Already Has New Girlfriend ~ However, her name is being withheld since she’s a minor.

Confessions of a Gay Christian Country Singer  ~ My dog died, my truck done broke, I got stinkin’ drunk and then I hit the clubs with Jesus and danced the night away to ABBA mashups, out of my fucking head on two hits of E and a little crystal.

36 Hours in Bar Harbor, Me. ~ “Oh, look–Another lighthouse–and even quainter than the last.  I wish I were dead.”

Toddler was victim of revenge shootings ~ Before you judge, we should let you know–he was a bad boy.

“Shoplifters Will Be Prosecuted To The Fullest Extent Of The Law.”

Trip to Minors gives Zito new perspective ~ For one, the weed is different in Fresno.

Pope Benedict XVI Praises Jesus In First Ever Tweet ~ Considering that the Pope’s phone was purchased with company money, it makes sense that his first tweet would be big ups to the boss.

Whitey’s influence felt on Beacon Hill ~To hear the NAACP tell it, Whitey’s influence goes a lot deeper than that.

Do Obese Kids Need to be Placed in Foster Care? ~ Being a foster parent is a tough enough job without having to spend the extra dough to feed these human baleen.

He Pays For Himself. Check The Folds Once A Month And Collect The Accumulated Loose Change.

Casey Anthony jurors explain their thinking ~ HURRRRRRRR!

Great White Sharks Off the Coast of Georgia? ~ Not out of the question–sharks like jerky, too.

Happy Days actors accuse CBS of ‘despicable conduct’  ~ According to the group’s spokesman, R. Malph, CBS can “Sit on it, Bucko!”

Hitler’s Talking Dogs ~ Ärfen! Ärfen!

At Least He Fed Them Well.

MillerCoors kicked off state shelves ~ People were forced to drink beer that wasn’t carbonated jackal  piss.

What Would ‘The Good Wife’ Do? ~ She’d make us a sandwich.  What?  You asked.

Jennifer Lopez, Marc Anthony call it quits ~ If these two lovebirds can’t make it work, what hope is there for the rest of us?

Shuttle Atlantis’ Astronauts Get Sunday Off in Space ~ “Hey, Stu–how did you spend your day off?”  *** “How do you think?  Floating around in this high-tech Pringles can–same as you.  God, you’re such a fucking asshole.”

Rodney King busted on suspicion of driving under the influence in California ~ OFFICERS ADVISED TO PROCEED WITH CAUTION!

‘Person’ And ‘Piñata’: Two Terms Often Confused By The LAPD.

Belgians: The World’s Most Evil People

07 Monday Mar 2011

Posted by in Crime, Culture

≈ 59 Comments

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By Smaktakula

Were you expecting charts and hard numbers?  Facts only slow us down; we ride ad hominem here.

The People Of This Quaint And Lovely Low-Lying Land Are Known For Making Delicious Confections Such As Chocolate, As Well As For Their National Passion For Kicking Puppies And The Elderly.

What do you care, anyway?  You’re not from Belgium, and probably don’t speak a word of Belgish.

Some Famous Belgians:

During his one and only visit to Belgium, a Flemish cop made Smaktakula’s girlfriend cry.  True story. ∞T.