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Tag Archives: death by automobile

Headlines: In Which No Puppies Were Harmed Or Abducted

13 Friday Mar 2015

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, Entertainment, Headlines, History, Literature, News, Philosophy, Religion, Science, Stupidity

≈ 19 Comments

Tags

Afghanistan, alcohol abuse, American Civil War, Big Bang Theory, Bitcoin, Cal Poly, Chicago, death by automobile, death by Ebola, drinking games, Ebola, fraternities, Glee, grammar nerd, gut wounds, Illinois, Italian Stereotypes, Jewish people, Justin Bieber, keggers, lesbians, Maury Povich, Michael Jackson, pederasts, poor people, rich people, Samurai swords, San Luis Obispo, shopping sucks, Smaktakula's abiding love for his own voice, Superman, tritransitive verbs

By Smaktakula

The Real Question Isn’t Why We Don’t Bother To Read The Articles, But Rather, Why Everyone Else DOES?

In which, armed with nothing more than a severely attenuated attention span and an ignorance both boundless and sublime, we respond to the news headlines of the day without bothering to first read the articles.

***

Puppy survives after being locked in car for almost a month ~ And he’ll no doubt think twice next time before chewing Daddy’s new putter.

Will my wife learn to love her vibrator more than me? ~ Totally. Dude, you’re fucked. Not literally, obviously.

Do American Jews Live in a Cocoon? ~ How is it fair that you get away with saying a thing like that? That time when Smaktakula said that Jewish people were terrifying moth-like creatures, HE lost his job!

Good advice on dying more slowly ~Try for a gut wound. It’ll take you all day to die.

Superman took my virginity ~ Is but one of the many titillating revelations to be found in the pages of the forthcoming memoir, “I Was A Teenage Robin.”

"More Powerful Than A Locomotive." What The Hell Did You THINK Would Happen?

“More Powerful Than A Locomotive.” Just What The Hell Did You THINK Would Happen?

Did Your School Make This Exclusive List? ~ You know it didn’t, and I don’t think it’s very nice the way you keep asking.

Why is math easier for some kids than for others? ~ Because some kids are Asian.

Italian family buries mother they said was still alive ~ “She was…eh…how you say?…a beech.”

What Can Bitcoin Buy? No More Heroin, but Baklava and a Dinner Date ~ Yeah, well we can buy that stuff with grown-up money, thank you very much.

Funeral director says Chicago gun violence destroying city ~ “Which is why I moved my gigantic mansion to the suburbs. So sad.”

We All Deal With The Pain In Our Own Way.

Each Man Must Blaze His Own Trail Through The Forests Of Grief.

Puppy stolen at San Luis Obispo adoption event ~ We’d call that an undocumented adoption.

Killing a Patient to Save His Life ~ Is a notion that’s absurd on its very face.

It’s OK to Like ‘The Big Bang Theory’ ~ Look, simply saying a thing doesn’t make it true.

Poll: Did you ignore the experts’ advice on when to feed a baby solid food? ~ There are people who are willing to give you advice on that kind of thing?

CNN Poll: Afghanistan Least-Popular War in US History ~ Really? And not the American Civil War? ‘Cause in that one, literally everyone who died was one of our boys.

And Every One Of Them A Good Guy (As It Were).

And Every One Of Them A Good Guy (As It Were).

Why You Hate The Sound Of Your Own Voice ~ It’s like you don’t even know me.

Has ‘Glee’ Officially Taken It Too Far? ~ Oh, please. Okay, first of all, for something to be declared “official”, some sort of governing body must exist with the authority to make pronouncements regarding how far “it” has been taken. Moreover, in the ridiculously unlikely event that a network television show did somehow manage to find itself “taking it too far”, it’s a pretty safe bet that show wouldn’t be a cloying time-killer aimed at campy gay dudes and lonely spinsters. 

Man Returns from Prison to Find Dead Wife’s Mummified Remains ~ Right where he left them.

Man jumps to his death rather than continue shopping with his girlfriend ~ We’ve all been there, buddy.

Cal Poly proposal would ban kegs, drinking games at Greek parties ~ Hell, you might as well just got to a community college then.

PARTY!

You Know Who Owes Their Very Existence To The Fact That College Kids Once Hosted Keggers And Played Drinking Games?–My Children.

Samurai Sword-Wielding Lesbian Murders Woman With Her Car ~ Why does it matter that a) she’s a lesbian, and b) that she was wielding a Samurai-sword, since it was a car she killed the other chick with?

Does Any Language Have Tritransitive Verbs? ~ I’m kind of a grammar nerd, but even I want to shove your head into a toilet right now.

Jermaine Jackson — Michael Jackson Would’ve Set Justin Bieber Straight ~ By which he means that his brother would have molested a preteen Justin Bieber.

Where Did Ebola Come From? Likely One Person, Gene Study Finds ~ Well, that dude’s a dick, then!

Is sex only for rich people? ~ If that really were true, do you think there would still be so many poor people running around all over the place?

And If Countless Hours Spent Viewing Maury Povich Has Taught Us Anything, It's That Poor People Indeed Like To Do The Nasty.

And If The Countless Hours Spent Watching Maury Povich Have Taught Us Anything, It’s That Poor People Seem To Enjoy Doin’ The Nasty.

***

Headlines: 07.23.12

23 Monday Jul 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture

≈ 23 Comments

Tags

Arkansas, California, cannabis, cat ladies, death by automobile, Detroit, dope, drunken Irishmen, drunken Native Americans, fat people, fun with stereotypes, Hamas, headlines, hemp, Holocaust, ignorance--it's what we do, Islam, Israel, lame sports, legalize it, marijuana, medical marijuana, Michigan, Miss Holocaust, News of the Duh, Nobel Peace Prize, Penn State, phony diseases, skanks, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, Smaktakula's hatred of clowns, sweet sweet cheeba, the navy's pretty gay already, the reefer, US Navy, weed, Why am I so fat?

By Smaktakula

Who Reads This, Really? That’s An Awful Lot Of Words.

In which we’re presumptuous enough to opine on the day’s headlines, but too damn lazy to read the articles.

***

8 Things You Didn’t Know About Restless Legs Syndrome ~ One of them is that it’s not a real disease.

‘Cat ladies’ more likely to commit suicide, scientists claim ~ This and much, much more in next month’s issue of Stop the Presses! America’s Most Trusted Source for News of the Painfully Obvious.

Why Women Love One-Night Stands ~ They enjoy having drunken intercourse with a person they’ll never have to see again, much as men do.

Police identify bodies found in Detroit River ~ But that’s all the time we have tonight. If you didn’t hear the name of your loved one’s water-swollen corpse announced on tonight’s show, tune in next week for another exciting episode of “Fishin’ the Motor City.”

Fear of clowns is serious ~ Sadly, your commitment to real journalism doesn’t appear to be.

And A Mime Is Nothing But A French Clown, So Double-Bad.

Navy’s new gender-neutral carriers won’t have urinals ~ If you enjoyed the furor surrounding “Gays in the Military,” you’ll love “Who Left the Fucking Seat up in the Head?”

Twitter reaction: Does Penn State deserve the death penalty? ~ Not sure. But let us ask you this: does an issue as serious as the death penalty deserve your clumsy metaphor?

Hamas Suspends Voter Registration… ~ It was a purely a question of human resources. One more man out registering voters means one less busload of dead Israeli kids.

Father, son lose 260 pounds after weight loss surgery ~ This extraordinary achievement didn’t happen overnight, folks–it took a single-minded focus, dedication to the cause and years upon years of effort before that surgeon became certified to suck the rivers of lard from those two human baleen.

Miss Holocaust Survivor’ crowned in Israel ~ We heard it was a gas.  (Oh, like this wasn’t already in abominably poor taste even BEFORE we arrived on the scene?)

No Matter What Atrocities We Commit Against One Another, We Can Never Quench The Essential Dignity Of The Human Spirit.

Arkansas marijuana proposal needs more signatures ~ Given that it’s Arkansas, all one needs to do to sign the petition is to be able to scratch out a crude X.

Proposal for ‘English only’ city council meetings sparks debate in Walnut, Calif. ~ If by debate, you mean a top-volume screaming match in a rainbow of exotic tongues.

Have a sexy walk? You’re probably having a LOT of orgasms ~ Smaktakula often experiences spontaneous orgasms while walking, and while it never fails to arouse comments from witnesses, it has never been described as “sexy.” Certainly not by the authorities.

Irishman survives after great white shark attack in Australia ~ That shark had just celebrated ten years of sobriety. He wasn’t about to go throw all that away for one Irishman.

My husband had sex with me while I was in a drunken state. Should I divorce him? ~ We’ll answer this one seriously, because our typical smartassery cannot hope to do justice to such a profoundly serious marital issue. ABSOLUTELY you should divorce him. Do it right now! It’s not fair that your husband should be chained for the remainder of his days to such a fucked-up, games playing, frigid bitch. And might we suggest choosing as your next mate a fellow who’s just been released from the penitentiary? Having been so long denied the company of a woman, he’ll no doubt treat you like the precious little flower that you are.

‎In some Olympic sports, the US just doesn’t make the grade ~Then you can’t really consider them sports.

Just Because Estonians Are Crazy About It, Doesn’t Mean It’s Worth Doing.

The Upside of Letting Your Child Fail ~ Always having that failure to lord over him.

If Pot Were Truly Legal, Joints Would Cost Only a Few Cents ~ Folks, very often when writing these things, a headline will inspire two or more different gags, and we go with the one we like best. The provocative title above inspires literally so many different responses (almost entirely rancorous and replete with four-letter words) that the inside of Smaktakula’s skull sounds like the trading floor of the New Delhi Stock Exchange five minutes before the closing bell.

10 Ways the World Could End ~ One of them is ‘It Was All Just A Dream!’ That is such a fucking cop-out.

Is It Time to Stop Fearing Islamism? ~ Wait a sec while we check to see what’s going on in the world…hold on, checking…ah, there we go…Nope–still pretty scary.

Native American Communities Affected by Climate Change Plan for the Future ~ They’re stocking up on Old Granddad & Wild Turkey as we speak.

He’s Got Us There. We’re Joking About An Epidemic That Is Destroying A Culture Even The Most Powerful Nation On Earth Couldn’t Crush.

Nobel Peace Prize winners say US must lead global peace efforts, wars should … ~ Continuing the bold behavior which earned most of them the Peace Prize in the first place, talking about what other people should do to lead peace efforts.

10 Signs That Death is Near ~ #4: Massive, unstoppable bleeding.

Medical Marijuana: A Patient Perspective ~ It’s great. Really, we can’t speak highly enough about it. Heartily endorsed.

Boston U graduate student dies in fall in Turkey ~ That’s so romantic. Turkey is lovely in the fall.

A dog’s last moments photographed ~ “Oh my gosh–the look on Shep’s little doggie face when he finally realizes the truck isn’t going to stop in time–is that NOT just the cutest thing you’ve ever seen in your life?”

“BAAAAAAAAAAAAARK!”

Driving Miss Lotus

26 Monday Sep 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

China, death by automobile, Emil Haagerdäddi, fun with stereotypes, tyranny, underage driving

By Smaktakula

The public’s flaccid attentions twitched briefly in response to a recent viral video from China which shows a very young girl navigating an SUV on a busy street.  Although condemnation promptly issued from the four corners of the globe, Chinese officials admitted their hands were tied:

Local police spokesman Li Xiaobin revealed that there was very little they could do, under Chinese law.

“Kids absolutely are not allowed to drive,” he said. “However, as for drivers under 14 years old, we can’t give them tickets.

This is a surprising admission of powerlessness from China, which only twenty years ago set a shining example to the world as a paragon of tyrannical repression, a bloody trail of tank-mashed protesters to prove it.  However, in keeping with the spirit of the old China, one unnamed official did mention the possibility of re-education for the child’s parents.  Re-education, it should be noted, is one of the myriad Chinese euphemisms for “torture and likely execution.”

Some experts caution that the affair is overblown.  According to Dr. Emil Haagerdäddi of the Council for Responsible Asian Steering Habits (CRASH), “Studies have shown that the average Chinese citizen demonstrates all the driving skill of a hydrocephalic monkey with a bad crack habit, so a bright four-year-old behind the wheel could only be a boon to public safety.”

A More Serious Threat To Pedestrians Than You Might Think.

Tanker Trunks

23 Tuesday Aug 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

carelessness, conflagration, death by automobile, death by truck, distracted drivers, foolish choices, tanker trucks, unfortunate ways to die

By Smaktakula

A jarringly useless and embarrassing way to die is in a fiery conflagration set in motion when you become mesmerized by your own car’s image in the highly-reflective back of a particularly shiny tanker truck.

When The Tiny Car In This Picture Grows Abruptly Large, It's Past Time To Apply The Brakes.

Sparkly! ∞T.

The Westboro Baptist Church Pretty Much Hates Everybody

28 Tuesday Jun 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, News, Religion, Stupidity

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

bigotry, childish sexual innuendo, Christianity, Claymation, crazy people, Davey & Goliath, death by automobile, death by drunk driving, douchebaggery, even Jesus thinks Fred Phelps sucks, Gay Pride Parade, God Hates Fags, homosexuality, IEDs, Kansas, New York, New York City, religious intolerance, Reverend Fred Phelps, Roger Ebert, Ryan Dunn, Shirley Phelps-Roper, Westboro Baptist Church, Wizard of Oz, yokels

Not Unlike The Protagonists From The Wizard Of Oz, Fred's Got No Heart, No Brains, No Courage, And He's A Little Bitch From Kansas.

In a maneuver of daring doucheness which surprised both their foes and their fringy clutch of boosters alike, yokel commandos from the Westboro Baptist Church staged a brazen assault on America’s East Coast.  The majority of their forces were directed at New York’s Gay Pride Parade, with some held in reserve in the event of a public memorial for Jackass Jackass Ryan Dunn.

Fred's Daughter, Shirley Phelps-Roper: You Can See The Crazy Oozing Out Of Her Like Stink From A Dog.

Westboro Baptist, the righteous army of the execrable douchelord Fred Phelps, has gained notoriety in recent years by picketing funerals, most notably those of fallen soldiers and marines.  These Kansan cock-knockers believe that America has strayed from the course intended by the Almighty by failing to lynch outright pernicious elements of society, most particularly homosexuals.  It remains unclear why the Lord of Lords has chosen as His sole prophet a deranged old nutbag from the prairie whose idea of saving souls is waving a placard thanking God for IEDs while screaming incoherently at grieving survivors.  Nevertheless, the indefatigable Clan Westboro is an increasing media presence.

What?!? The Space Shuttle? Why God, Why?

Westboro’s assault on New York City’s Gay Pride Parade is  in retaliation for New York State’s recent legalization of gay marriage, which according to one source close to Phelps has made the preacher “flaming mad, absolutely raging.”  Although the handful of church weirdos who showed up to protest the event were dwarfed in number by the gazillions who attended to celebrate, a spokesidiot for the WBC likened their situation to that of David and Goliath.  She then went on to explain twice that the story of David and Goliath has nothing at all to do with a TV show about a Claymation sissyboy and his talking dog.  She reconfirmed this information in a follow-up interview.

If God Really Hates This Dude, Why Did The Almighty Waste So Much Time On Meticulous Detail?

It is believed that several Westboro operatives remain on the East Coast, planning to disrupt the inevitable memorial to Dunn, which although as-yet-unannounced, most experts believe will have to occur soon before the reality-television clown fades from public’s goldfish-like memory.  Dunn died along with another person last week, in what in other circumstances would be called a murder-suicide, but because it was vehicular has been termed a ‘drunk driving accident.’

Granted, It Was Somewhat Irresponsible Of Dunn To Drive Drunk, Killing Himself And Another Person. But It Was REALLY Irresponsible For Roger Ebert To Suggest That Dunn Might Have Been Drunk Before The World Found Out That He Was.

Given the potential exposure of such a public event, which media outlets like MTV will be only too happy to hijack, the Church has an opportunity to bring their peculiar brand of Christianity to a wider audience.  However, the halfwits who grieve for Dunn aren’t likely to understand how the presumably heterosexual Jackass’ moronic and useless death has anything to do with God hating homosexuals.  The three or four whole-to-partially-witted folks who witness the event are likely to have the same problem.

We Remain Unconvinced That Talking About 'God's Rod' Is The Most Effective Way To Get Folks To Stop Thinking About Man-Sausage.

World Stunned By Death Of ‘Jackass’ Jackass

21 Tuesday Jun 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, News, Stupidity

≈ 9 Comments

Tags

death by automobile, foolish choices, Jackass, jackassery, live fast die young, MTV, Philadelphia, poor judgement, Roger Ebert, Ryan Dunn, Why am I so stupid?

By Smaktakula

Live By The Sword . . . There's More, We Think, But That's All We Recall At The Moment.

Ryan Dunn, of Jackass fame, was killed early Monday morning when his Porsche collided with a tree in suburban Philadelphia.  A passenger in Dunn’s vehicle was also killed in the crash, but details on the person’s identity have been slow in coming, presumably because he or she was not a celebrity and therefore suffered a non-newsworthy death.

They Might If They Were Jackasses Themselves.

The 34-year-old star of MTV’s Jackass was best known for ridiculous and dangerous stunts, the kind which are most often accompanied by boldfaced warnings not to try this at home.  Although initial police reports indicate that the actor may have been travelling at excessive speed, those close to the reality star contend that such irresponsible and potentially life-threatening behavior would be completely out of character for Dunn.

Baby On Board

03 Thursday Feb 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, History

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

1980s, 21st Century, America's obsession with safety, automobile, automobile accidents, Baby on Board, bad drivers, child safety seats, cost-effective, death by automobile, feel-good policies, George Carlin, Godzilla, infrastructure, Japan, ready-to-use, safety, safety scams, traffic safety, Won't somebody please think of the children?

By Smaktakula

Let The Other Drivers Know That Your Precious Cargo Supersedes Their Selfish Need To Arrive On Time.

Statistics back it up: despite millions of new cars on the road ever year, the highway is becoming a safer place worldwide.  The reasons for this happy trend are myriad, among them: improving infrastructures, increased awareness about driver’s safety and stricter laws regarding intoxicated driving.  No factor has been more significant in lowering automobile deaths per capita than has the rapid development of safety technology.  It is possible today to walk away from an accident which might have proved fatal only thirty years ago.

Human Gestation Typically Lasts 37 To 40 Weeks. Tattoos, Like Stupidity, Last A Lifetime.

But in today’s world of bleeding edge technology and gee-whiz science, is there still room for an old standby like Baby on Board?

Because Children Stop The Traffic.

Baby on Board proved to be a dazzling innovation in automobile safety when it was first introduced in the heady years of the late 1980s.  Moreover, by being extremely cost-effective–individual units cost pennies to make, but retailed for as much as $10–the safety measure meshed nicely with the era’s affinity for recklessly high profits.

Translation: "Honorable Godzilla: As There Is In This Car A Young Child, It Would Be Most Pleasing To The Child's Family If You Could Contain For A Few Moments Your Cretaceous Rage And Avoid Incinerating The Child With Your Radioactive Breath Or Smashing It To Dust With Your Magnificent Tail."

More than simply keeping costs down, the innovation’s simplicity appealed to the consumer.  Baby on Board came ready-to-use, the unit taking typically no more than a few seconds to install in the vehicle’s rear window.  Once mounted, the device would alert other drivers that young people (despite its name, Baby on Board applied to all children weighing less than 80 pounds) were in the vehicle.  Those drivers would then heed this warning, waiting until the precious family was safely in the distance before resuming their reckless driving.

Literalism Is Neither Cute Nor Helpful.

Sadly, Baby on Board is rarely seen today.  21st Century drivers are more likely to place their trust in expensive technologies, and given the level of scientific innovation in safety this reliance may be well-founded.  But it’s worth remembering the recent studies which show Baby on Board is at least as efficacious as are child safety seats.

Promethean Short Short Stories: A Cautionary Fable (Concerning The Merits Of Being Ferrous)

14 Friday Jan 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

death by automobile, death by truck, dumb kids and the dumb things they do to fuck up their lives, fables, flash fiction, Goofus & Gallant, Highlights for Children, irony, Johnny, Promethean Short Short Stories, things which are ferrous, Will

By Smaktakula

Will started to ask, but Johnny dashed laughing and joyblind across an intersection snarled by onrushing vehicles, heralded by an irascible ensemble of crying brakes and strident horns.

Will waited as always for the signal’s sanction, only then crossing carefully to Johnny, eyes continually flicking left then right, repeating interminably.

The brothers walked, reaching another intersection.

Will shouted as Johnny rushed again into the roiling street, asking

What’s irony?

On the far side Johnny considered, with Will awaiting the light before beginning fastidiously to pick his way across.  Johnny started speaking when an onrushing truck flattened Will like a dime.

Death By Airplane vs. Death By Car

22 Wednesday Dec 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

air travel, airplanes, automobile, cars, death by airplane, death by automobile, fear of crashing, fear of flying, irrational fears, psychology

By Smaktakula

It Still Beats A Plane Crash.

Statistically speaking, air-travel is no more dangerous than America’s highways,* and yet a great many people are far more terrified of dying in an airplane crash than in a car accident.  While theories abound as to the nature of this fear, no consensus has developed.

Psychologists are quick to postulate that this fear stems from a feeling of powerlessness.  While the driver of an automobile has a great deal of control over his own fate, a passenger on an airplane has done.  Because the traveler cannot physically control the aircraft, he developes an irrational fear for his safety.  There, say the experts, lies the anxiety in air travel.

Those Desiring A More Contemplative Death Opt For The Big Plunge.

Is that all there is to this widespread phobia?  Or rather, is it possible that the fear surrounding flying might be traceable to the means of death itself?  By examining the typical last words of both terrestrial and air impact victims, a disparity quickly becomes visible.

Typical last words of someone killed in a car crash:

You won’t believe what Melissa did today.  Well, I’d just come back from lu–BANG!

Typical last words of someone killed in an airplane crash:

You won’t believe what Melissa did today.  Well, I’d just come back from lu–BANG!

What the hell was that?  Was that the eng–? BANG!

Oh my God!  Was that the other engine?

No, I’m calm . . . I’m calm.  They. . .they can land these things without the engines, you know.  What was the name of that guy–the one that brought the plane down in the river?  You know who I’m talking about.

Ooof!  Bit of a bumpy ride there.  Okay, okay–feel that?  Yeah, that’s what they call a ‘controlled spiral.’  I saw something about it on Discovery Channel.  We’re . . . we’re gonna be all right.

Shut up, the captain’s making an announcement–he probably wants us to put our heads between our knees.  What’s he saying?  ‘Our Father who art in heaven?’

Is he praying?  He is–the captain’s praying.  You know, I’m not personally offended, but I’m not sure that’s appropriate.  I think I should say something when we land.

No, you’re right–it is an unusual circumstance.  I guess maybe we can give him a pass on this one.

Back to what I was saying about Melissa.  She–I–OH SWEET LORD, I’VE WASTED MY WRETCHED LIFE!

(This is followed by two and half minutes of tearful recriminations and uncomfortable confessions.  Also quite a bit of screaming.)

Now, when airline partisans hit you with the misleading “driving is more dangerous than flying” statistic, you’ll have a clearer idea of what they’re not telling you.  While flying may not be any more risky than driving, it offers a more hideously drawn-out and–above all else–certain death.

A: The Name Of This Popular Breakfast Treat Consisting Of Fried Batter Can Also Describe The Effects Of Impact On The Human Body.

*Conventional wisdom says that air travel is safer than driving.  However, flying and driving turn out to be about equally dangerous when adjusted for actual time spent engaged in those activities. ∞T.

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