Tag Archives: comical despots

Headlines: 09.17.12

17 Monday Sep 2012

Posted by in Celebrity, Culture, Entertainment, Politics, Science, Sport, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

‘Cause You’ve Already Got The Job, Bro-Ski!

As the news articles of the day are so replete with unfamiliar words and challenging concepts, we’re happy simply to comment on the headlines.

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Carrying these babies for my brother ~ Is considered taboo outside of Appalachia.

Gulag Reform: Will China Stop Sending Its Dissidents to Labor Camps?  ~ If you first ask yourself just what actions the global community has taken to discourage China’s illiberal ways, you can probably answer this one on your own.

The World’s Oldest Profession For Men ~ Hunter-gatherer.

Shuttle Endeavour embarking on new mission to Los Angeles museum ~ It’ll be the shuttle’s least dangerous and most boring mission to date!

Sea Otters To Combat Climate Change? ~ The working plan is for these adorable sea-weasels to smash climate change against their tummies with a rock.

A Great Many “Green” Initiatives Are Mostly About Looking Cute Anyway.

 Baltimore to immigrants: Welcome in, no questions asked ~ Well, someone’s got to live in that shithole. Why not someone who doesn’t know any better?

Romney assails Obama campaign on Akin, abortion ~ That’s a curious–and rather bold–strategy. But sometimes you’ve just got to turn into the skid, folks.

Muslim leaders are told NYPD spying in NJ ended ~ Civil libertarians praised the decision, saying that the Bill of Rights grants every citizen the right to plot the downfall of the Great Satan without said malefic supernatural entity breathing down his neck.

Michael Phelps spotted with girlfriend on red carpet ~ Do you sometimes wonder if we ever come up with a clever response which is in such cataclysmically rotten taste that even we refuse to use it? Wonder no longer, Friends!

The Weatherman Is Not a Moron ~ What? Sorry, that’s “Mormon.” The weatherman isn’t a Mormon. He certainly is a moron, though.

Dictators are only a couple of belly laughs from revolution ~ Successful dictators simply don’t get jokes.

Zimbabwe’s ChocoFührer Credits His Longevity To Being Terrifyingly Unfunny.

Who’s the monkey? ~ You are, fuck-face. We thought that since you asked, you really wanted to know.

Son, I Think We Know Why You’ve Been Having A Hard Time Getting A Date ~ It’s because you’re adopted. Ha ha! Your mom and I wracked our brains trying think of a funny way to tell you. Sorry, Son–I don’t know why you’re such a loser with the ladies–but I can tell you for sure that you didn’t get it from me!

The light, dark side of anti-Semitism ~ It’s a Frosted Mini-Wheat of intolerance!

Viral video: Sheep that screams like a human ~ It’s an a-a-a-a-a-bomin-a-a-a-a-tion.

Teachers’ Strike in Chicago Tests Mayor and Union ~ Since most of those folks were educated in the Chicago School District, unless someone feeds them the answers, they’re most likely gonna fail that test.

Al Gore calls for an end to the Electoral College ~ After all the Electoral College has done for him? Talk about an ingrate.

Although Regarded By Many As The Winner Of The 2000 US Presidential Election, Al Gore Has Thrown Himself Wholeheartedly Into His New Role As ‘Loser.’

What’s a $4000 Suit Worth? ~ A  € 3,097 suit, a kimono worth 311,025 Yen, or a filthy scrap of burlap with holes cut in it for 1,447,600 Zimbabwean Dollars.

Shark attack Paralympian pictures great white chasing him to win bronze ~ Considering what it cost you, if you had to do it again, do you think you’d picture that monster chasing you for at least a silver?

Opting Out of the ‘Rug Rat Race’ ~ Will put you in a much better position to succeed financially. This one isn’t a joke, people.

Who Is The Smallest Government Spender Since Eisenhower? Would You Believe It’s Barack Obama? ~ Nope. You don’t really believe that either.

If Joe Blanton likes boos, he’s pitching the right way ~ We’re pretty sure that he doesn’t dig the animus from fans at all, and that he just sucks ass.

‘The Waltons’ Meets ‘Modern Family’ ~ Not nearly as charming as we thought it would be. It ends with someone squealing like a pig, if you catch our drift.

“Now, Just What The Hell Do You Mean, ‘Goodnight, John Boy’? The Evening’s Still Young, Sweet-Ass, And You Look About As Juicy As A Freshwater Clam.”

Bill passes to keep mentally ill sex predators off streets ~ Violent sex-fiends do their best work indoors anyhow.

Banning weed is bad medicine ~ THANK YOU.

Girl found in NY lake clinging to dead body ~ Sure it’s icky, but keep in mind this happened in New York. The young woman used the water-logged corpse as a flotation device because her only other choices were a box of medical waste and another corpse.

Romney on healthcare, taxes ~ “Don’t need it, don’t pay ’em.”

The Biggest Innovations in the History of Food ~Sliced bread is often held up as a prime example.

Obama greeted with bear hug by pizza parlor owner ~ BREAKING NEWS: Local lunatic gunned down by Secret Service. Details after the break.

A Nice Sign Or A Friendly Wave Usually Work Best.

Headlines: Great Big Boobs & A Phyllis Diller Smile

24 Friday Aug 2012

Posted by in Crime, Culture, Entertainment, History, News, Politics, Sport, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

Back In Our Bachelor Days, We Read Certain Sections Of The Paper.

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In which we indulge both our love of talking out of our asses and our shameful laziness by commenting on the headlines while leaving the actual reading to you.

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Why Romney is so unpopular with black voters ~ Besides running against the black guy you mean?

Dearborn Police, Religious Groups Urge Awareness, Action in Wake of Sikh Temple Shooting ~ We love their new slogan: “Racism Makes Me Sikh!”

Mom Raising Money to See Daughter’s Killer Executed ~ It’s what Joylinda would have wanted her mom to do. Seriously, she was a very vindictive girl.

What Happens When You Get Sick Overseas ~ That depends. If, for example, you get sick someplace like the United Kingdom, you go to a hospital and likely get better. However, if you fall ill in a dusty backwater like Chad, at the very least you’re gonna lose a leg.

Comedian Phyllis Diller dies ‘with a smile’ ~ “Oh my God, that is just so fucking creepy. Did you ask the funeral director if he can do anything about that?”

“The Thing We’ll Always Cherish About Phyllis Is…The–Ah–The Thing We’ll Always Cherish…Look, Can Somebody Pull A Sheet Over That Thing So I Can Get Through This?”

Crocs Co-Founder Blames Taylor Swift at His DUI Arrest ~ No doubt–we’d try to pin the Holocaust on that warbling ear cancer if we thought we could make it stick.

I Was a Mary Kay Sales Girl: How I Barely Broke Even ~ By being a barely competent saleslady.

Police: Mom Left Kids in Crashed Car While She Got Naked, Ate Ice Cream ~ Okay, but before you judge, try to put the episode into context. After going through the trauma of an automobile accident, would it have benefitted those kids one bit to see their bare-assed mama slurping down some cookies & cream? Trust us–she did those kids a favor.

Rays rally from 8 runs down to beat Angels 10-8 ~ We’re pretty sure they’re gonna fire the marketing guy responsible for greenlighting “Let The Fucking Rally Monkey Close Out The Game” Night.

Women’s financial power grows faster than savvy ~ Are you saying that gals have more cash than brains? Oh no you don’t!–don’t go putting words into OUR mouths. We were asking you.

How to Be a Modern-Day Dictator ~ Practice innovative e-despotism by inviting your potential victims to join the Harare Massacre page on Facebook.

Bro–That Shit Was OFF THE HOOK!

Starting a Business With an Eight-Year-Old? This Mom Did ~ Ask her how she did it! On most days you’ll find her at the campground off Highway 41, living in the back of her 1997 Suzuki Swift.

For Palm Springs man, grief and anger over an end-of-life decision ~ Whereas most people find end-of-life decisions to be full of whimsy and wonder.

Score One for the Gun Lobby ~ Which can only mean that someone has died.

The Love Goddess Who Keeps Right on Seducing ~ Is a leathery Scranton bar-hag named Debbie. It’s a long and rather sad story, but she was very beautiful once.

Was Biden’s ‘back in chains’ comment to black voters intentional? ~ People, you should know by now–not a single word coming out of that man’s mouth is intentional.

Ukrainian Group Wants to Ban Spongebob and Teletubbies for Homosexuality and Idiocy, Respectively ~ Which just shows you how backward Ukrainians are. As it happens, Spongebob is entertainment for half-wits and it’s the Teletubbies who are the homos.

Spongebob Squarepants: Completely Gay–Just Not The Homosexual Kind.

Jean-Claude Van Damme Admits To Affair With Kylie Minogue … ~ No, that’s bragging. If we hear the story from a humiliated, chastened Minogue, then it’s an admission.

‘Legitimate rape’ rarely leads to pregnancy, claims US Senate candidate ~ He’s right though. Throughout the whole of recorded history, there has NEVER been an instance of legitimate rape resulting in pregnancy. It turns out there’s not actually such a thing as legitimate rape–it remains fucking heinous in every instance.

Leaning Toward the Light: Molly Ringwald Talks About Her New Novel ~ You remember how the teacher sounded in those old ‘Snoopy’ specials?–WAH wah WAH WAH wah. That’s what we hear right now.

Photo: Did the Little Mermaid get plastic surgery? ~ The ‘Little Mermaid’ of myth & legend, you mean? You’re asking if a fictional character underwent a real-life procedure? No. No, she didn’t. However, Snow White did have that nasty third nipple removed.

Obama campaign’s spending outpaces its fundraising ~ That’s pretty much his economic model.

Binge Drinking College Students Report Being Happier ~ We enjoyed college immensely.

And Happy People Tend To Be Both Responsible And Respectful Of Others.

How Well You Sleep May Hinge on Race ~ ‘Cause whitey better be sleepin’ with one eye open!

Seals blamed for increased shark sightings, great white attack off Cape Cod ~ It’s always somebody or something else, isn’t it? Sharks need to man up a little and take some responsibility for the things they do.

Japan’s Latest Pop-Music Craze? Kids ~ Echoing the longtime sexual craze of Greece.

North Korea: Kim Jong Eun married to Ri Sol Ju ~ Wait? His wife’s name is ‘We Sold You?’ That makes no sense.

Who needs air bags when you have 38KKK breasts? ~ YOU do. A compulsion for self-mutilation is a very serious disorder, but it doesn’t give you the right to completely disregard your own safety.

Your Mom & Dad Must Just Be So Fucking Proud.

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Have A Great Weekend, Folks!

The Candybomber: Weapons Of Mass Delight

01 Thursday Mar 2012

Posted by in Culture

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By Smaktakula

Conventional Wisdom Tells Us That It’s Wrong In Every Instance To Bomb Children. Conventional Wisdom Isn’t Always Correct.

Typically the characters to be found skulking through the pages of Promethean Times are a dark and sorry lot of maladjusted degenerates, ne’er-do-wells and comical third-world despots. And yet, history sometimes offers those examples of human endeavor which are not only significant and worthwhile, but also–rarest of all–interesting. We present to you, the Candybomber. If sweetheartery were an award (or even a real word), the Candybomber would be a perennial winner.

Get Yourself Some Jobs, You Master-Race Malingerers!

Although many younger readers many not be aware, Americans have not always been despised around the globe as arrogant behemoths trampling the rest of the world beneath their overpriced Nikes. There was a time, only a few short generations ago, when America was revered as a bastion of hope, and a force for good in a bleak and increasingly repressive world. As the occupying forces in Germany and Japan following their defeat at the end of WWII, a generation of earnest and well-meaning young men served to bolster this impression. The former enemies were disarmed by the Americans’ kindness, generosity and magnanimity, and in this the Allies achieved a victory far greater than anything they were able to accomplish with military means. That Japan and Germany are today stable, democratic–and for more than a half-century, peaceful–republics, is in some ways a credit to these exemplary young men.

Dude, You Know They’re Gonna Expect Us To Act Like This From Now On.

But Gail Halvorsen, the Candybomber, stands head and shoulders above them all. Despite the cruel handicap of being a dude with a chick’s name, in 1948 the young pilot exploded into the hearts and minds of young Germans, who, though now well into middle-age, still revere the Candybomber to this day.

The Candybomber Is A Lot Like David Hasselhoff In That The Germans Love Him. The Difference Is That The Candybomber Did Something To Earn Their Affection.

In 1948, Soviet Premier Josef Stalin sealed off West Berlin (as the nice part of Berlin was then known), hoping to starve out the fledgling democratic republic. The Allies, under the leadership of American President Harry S Truman, began an heroic, round-the-clock operation to ferry supplies to the beleaguered krauts. This operation, known as the Berlin Airlift, proved an historic success, forcing Stalin to ‘blink’ in May of 1949, lifting the embargo.

We’re Not Sure How To Write ‘IN YOUR FACE!’ In The Cyrillic Alphabet, So The Sentiment Will Have To Suffice.

Halvorsen, however, wanted to do more for the war-wearied children he saw lining the fences around the airbase. The nice Mormon boy from Utah hit upon an idea that was an instant winner: he attached small parachutes to bags of candy he had purchased himself, and his plane approached Berlin, would toss them from  his plane to the grateful children below. To differentiate his plane from the dozens arriving every hour, he would dip his wings before releasing his payload, earning him the typically ridiculous German nickname Onkel Wackelflügel (Uncle Wiggly-Wings).

You’ll Want To Step Back A Bit, Kids. That’s Not Candy.

Rumor has it that upon hearing of Halvorsen’s actions, his Air Force superiors ordered him to stop. However, someone up the food chain quickly comprehended the PR goldmine which had fallen into Allied hands thanks to Halvorsen’s do-gooderism. The Allies ran with it, and ‘Operation Little Vittles’ was born, magnifying Halvorsen’s individual act of kindness on a grand scale. It remains one of the most unheralded–and successful–American PR campaigns in history.

For Real, Folks–We’re Not All Bad.

‘Lil Kim Adjusting To New Life In Witness Relocation Program

19 Monday Dec 2011

Posted by in Culture

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By Smaktakula

"Hey! This Not A Rending Ribrary! You Buy Or You Get The Herr Out!"

Kim Jong-il, the once-feared despot of blighted hellhole North Korea, is said to be transitioning easily into his new life as a Compton, California liquor store owner.  Although the blue-collar life might seem like a comedown from the palatial existence previously enjoyed by the tiny madman, ‘Lil Kim claims to be very happy.

Kim's Youngest Son Is Sorry To See The Old Man Go.

“Rife is so much easier now.  I got none of the probrems of running rearry big and important country,” says the diminutive ex-despot, referring to the asswipe country he inherited from his own father and ran further into the ground.  He has high hopes for the prospects of his youngest son, Kim Jong-un, who has taken over the reins of state in his stead.  “My boy, ‘Ril ‘Ril Kim, gonna fuck South Korea up good!”

'Lil Kim Has Been Welcomed To The Neighborhood By Such Businessmen As Terry Davis, Owner Of Sandbox Liquor.

Although ‘Lil Kim isn’t at liberty to discuss the matter, it is believed he is joined in his exile by several other former world leaders.  “Yeah, I see some famiriar faces–let’s put it that way.  At reast I’m not . . . so ronery any more.”

"You Better Not Be Selling Any Goddamn Falafels! I Make The Mother Of All Falafels!"

I ♥ That Sweet, Sweet Ass!

14 Monday Nov 2011

Posted by in Crime, Culture, News, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

There's An Old Saying: "If You Can't Find Love In Zimbabwe, Take Yourself To A Place That's Not Quite So Shitty And Try Your Luck There."

Zimbabwe has worked hard to achieve its worldwide recognition as an unlivable hellhole.  As difficult as it may be to believe, Zimbabwe (formerly known as Rhodesia) was once one of Africa’s most prosperous countries.  However, since assuming power in 1980, race-baiting kleptocrat Robert Mugabe has managed to line his own pockets while driving the wretched country spiralling into an economic deathspin.

But for a brief, impossibly delicate moment, one young man thought he had found a little oasis of delight in this broken land of ruined dreams.  Sunday Moro was in love, his miserable life suddenly given meaning and joy through requited affection.  Sadly for young Moro, his was a love his neighbors in the village of Zvishavane simply could not countenance.

We Can't Really Blame Mayo's Love Problems On The ChocoFührer, But God Knows--He's Turned Everything Else In Zimbabwe To Shit.

Trouble came one dark morning at 4:00 AM, when fellow villagers found Moro making sweet, sweet love to his amour, whom, in a fit of kink, the young man had tied to a tree.  The puritanical villagers wasted no time in denouncing the lovers, calling their union “unnatural” and “an affront to all that is holy or even decent.”

Surprisingly, She Cares Not At All For The Donkey Punch.

The love-smitten fornicator tried to explain that, yes, he was fucking a donkey, but could provide an explanation he felt would satisfy his toughest critics.  According to Moro, the beast of burden had been an actual human prostitute when he’d picked her up the night before for $20 US.  However, in addition to being both physically attractive and a great conversationalist, Moro’s beloved was apparently a powerful sorceress, who transformed herself into a donkey shortly before the interlopers arrived.

According to the AP, Mayo said, “I think I am also a donkey. I do not know what happened when I left the bar, but I am seriously in love with (the) donkey.”  Sunday Mayo’s unusual appetites can teach us all a thing or two about the mysterious powers of love:  not only is it color-blind, but also apparently non-speciesist.

"Where We No Longer Tolerate Donkey-Fucking."

Al Qaeda: Surprisingly Sensitive

25 Tuesday Oct 2011

Posted by in Crime, Culture, History, News, Politics

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By Smaktakula

Ahmadinejad Resembles Comedian Yakov Smirnoff, But The Similarities End There: The Iranian President Is Actually Quite Funny.

Tiny nutjob Mahmoud Ahmadinejad can always be counted on to publicly propound a plethora of preposterous political theories and irresponsible historical revisionism.  Over the years, Iran’s pint-sized potentate has kept his many apologists busy explaining away such bellicose assertions as “Israel must be wiped off the map,” and tired claims that the Holocaust is a Jewish fiction. Ahmadinejad’s statements regarding the events of September 11th, 2001, the catalyst for the United States’ War on Terror, have left his defenders scrambling, and have unexpectedly invited criticism from within the Axis of Evil.

Like so many others before him, Ahmadinejad likes to make hay with the idea that the horrific events of September 11th, 2001 were an inside job.  This theory has gained some traction among the mouth-breathing element of the population, embarrassingly eager to believe George W. Bush the evil genius behind the sinister machinations.  Promethean Times has long asserted that the actual culprit behind the Twin Tower Attacks was the nefarious Saddam Hussein.

Sooner Or Later, Everything Turns Out To Be An Inside Job.

Jewish groups have long met with opprobrium Ahmadinejad’s anti-Semitic rants and repeated calls for the destruction of Israel, but now factions within the Islamofascist community have begun to chafe under Ahmadinejad’s comments.  It seems that the boys in al Qaeda–Ahmadinejad’s erstwhile allies in despising anything Western or fun–have a bone to pick with the pint-sized Persian.

The feared international terrorist organization has grown weary of Ahmadinejad’s constantly blaming the United States for the events of 9/11.  Al Qaeda wants to make it very clear, that they–and not a sinister cabal within the United States–planned and executed the tragedy.  Al Qaeda claims that the Iranian president–who most observers agree would piss himself to inflict upon the Great Satan just a tenth of what al Qaeda was able to achieve– is deliberately misattributing their historic actions to an internal American plot for no reason other than simple jealousy.

Let's Give Credit Where Credit Is Due.

TripoliWatch 2011: For The Love Of Condi

26 Friday Aug 2011

Posted by in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, News, Politics

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By Smaktakula

All This And A Really Bitchin' Tent. Who Wouldn't Want To Hit It With The Colonel?

For the second time in months, the public has been treated to a TMI-moment courtesy of a sun-addled madman.  First there was the protein-drenched horror of Osama bin Laden’s Pakistani whack-shack, which forced a disgusted audience to envision the leader of the Evil Ones waging his own single-handed jihad upon the one-eyed infidel.  Now, the chaotic events in Libya have elevated the carnal cravings of another evil bastard into public view.  It seems that deranged sand-despot Muammar al-Gaddafi has a crush on a certain American gal.

Gaddafi Unsuccessfully Attempts To Lure Rice Into The Desert To Perform The Ancient Ritual Of The Three-Humped Camel.

Fleeing his compound ahead of blood-crazed rebels, Gaddafi was forced to abandon several objects of deep personal significance.  Among these was a stalker’s Bible in the form of a scrapbook filled with pictures of Stanford professor Condoleezza Rice, whom Gaddafi once called “my darling black African woman.”  The former US Secretary of State, who is very much available, declined to comment.

We're Not Sure Why The Tough, NFL-Loving Former Secretary Of State Is Unmarried At 56. Perhaps She Just Hasn't Met The Right Oil Despot Yet.

Meet Tomorrow’s Tyrants Today: Black Julius

05 Friday Aug 2011

Posted by in Celebrity, Culture, Music, Politics

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By Smaktakula

Zuma May Be Rough Around The Edges, But Consider The Alternatives.

Making South Africa’s Jacob Zuma seem statesmanlike is no small feat.  Although the one-party nation’s populist president and leader of the ruling African National Congress (ANC) is by all appearances an affable fellow, Zuma has repeatedly demonstrated behavior unbecoming the head of the nation which, particularly in light of Egypt’s recent woes, remains a premier economic power in Africa.  In one display of poor judgement, Zuma suggested that he was not at risk  for HIV despite having unprotected sex with a woman he knew to be infected, because he took a post-coital shower.   Despite this, the young firebrand whom Zuma himself tagged to be South Africa’s future tyrant imbues the current president with an air of Dalai Lama-like gravitas by comparison.

Orange Julius Is A Different Guy Altogether. This Northern Ireland Rabble-Rouser Was Killed In A 1988 Car-Bomb Attack. Shamrock Shake Is Believed To Have Been The Culprit.

Cherubic hatemonger Julius Malema has proven a polarizing figure in South African politics.  As president of the ANC Youth League since 2008, Malema has courted a number of controversies during his tenure in office, among them vociferous and ad hominem denunciations of various ‘enemies,’ attempts to muzzle the press–including threats to shut down Twitter, and a conviction for hate speech.  Just thirty years old, the inarticulate race-baiter was nine years old when Nelson Mandela was freed and Apartheid abolished, returning national rule to the black majority.  Despite living most of his life in a black-governed South Africa, Malema still manages to blame white people for most of his country’s ills.  He doesn’t care for Asians, either.

Zuma Knowns That As Risky As It Is To Hold A Snake, It's More Dangerous To Put It Down.

As an admirer of Zimbabwe’s Robert ‘ChocoFührer’ Mugabe, Malema espouses taking the means of production out of the hands of a wealthy elite and redistributing it to his more deserving cronies.   These policies have proved nothing short of transformational for Zimbabwe; in just a few short years the aging Afro-fascist has managed to oust most of the nation’s white farmers, erasing not only their influence, but also quite coincidentally, turning what was not so long ago one of Africa’s premier nations into tomorrow’s All-Star Charity Benefit Concert.

Despite Having The Same Mustache, Mugabe Is Not At All Like Hitler. Hitler Was A White Supremacist. Mugabe Is A Black Supremacist. Completely Different.

In South Africa, the fall of Apartheid and the ensuing years of stability, peace and a relatively high living standard have made the nation unique among its neighbors.  However, if anyone can undo this damage and return South Africa to the ranks of the continent’s despotic strong-man regimes, it’s Black Julius.

Julius May Look Like An Angry Lesbian, But Really He's Just An Angry Dude.

TripoliWatch 2011: Is This Show Still On?

13 Wednesday Jul 2011

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By Smaktakula

When oil-rich backwater Libya was caught up in the so-called ‘Arab Spring’ in late February, it seemed only a matter of time before unrepentant dickhead Muammar al-Gaddafi would be deposed and shortly thereafter executed, his leathery carcass cast into the Sarlacc pit while a new and equally despotic regime arose to take his place.  It would appear, however, that this analysis grossly underestimates the sand-despot’s ability to cling tenaciously to power like a tick nestled against a dog’s belly.  He’s still there.

"Are You Gonna Do Something, Or Just Stand There And Bleed? Go On, Skin That Smokewagon!"

We’ve completely lost interest in this program.  When will the new episodes of Two and a Half Men be airing? ∞T.

Get To Know Frank McCourt

31 Tuesday May 2011

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By Smaktakula

"I Totally Bleed Dodger Blue. It IS Blue, Right? Their Color, I Mean."

To the myriad awful things you already knew about loathsome Dodgers owner Frank McCourt–the greed, the douchiness, the being short– let us add one more:

Frank McCourt eats babies.

The Monster Boasts In Print: Frank's First Victim Was A Young Girl Named Angela O'Roarke.