Tag Archives: religious intolerance

Punching-Bag Faiths Make Bid For ‘Real Religion’ Status

07 Thursday Jun 2012

Posted by in Culture, Politics, Religion

≈ 12 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Originally Posted 01.03.12

By Smaktakula

Man, It Is So Refreshing Not Have To Make Up Some Excuse About His Politics, And Instead Simply Be Able To Say, “I’m Not Gonna Vote For This Guy ‘Cause I Hate His Crazy Religion.”

It’s no secret that joking about religion can be a dicey prospect. While it may occasionally still be safe to joke about baby-buggering bishops outside the earshot of any nearby papists (which means refraining from comment in bars, bingo parlors or AA meetings), kicking the Catholics is increasingly frowned upon in polite society. The Jews, for centuries the go-to faith for angry scapegoaters, have in the last half-century begun to push back with vehemence against all insults real and imagined. Even Islam, long-acknowledged as the most easy-going among all the Great Faiths, has begun to take a firmer hand with those who besmirch its many anachronistically inflexible tenets. It seems like nobody wants to be poked fun at any more, and doing so can cost you your job–or worse.

If Physical Intimidation Is Your Thing, Why Not Pick On The Quakers, Jehovah’s Witnesses Or Amish?–They’re Pacifists–Although They’re Tougher Than They Look.

That’s why we’re so lucky in America to have weirdo religions like the Mormons, Jehovah’s Witnesses, snake-handlers and the like. When feeling down, who hasn’t picked himself up by joking that the Mormon guy at work “probably has like eight wives?” And almost everyone has personally experienced the joy of bonding with a stranger over a simple conversation about how fucking annoying it is to have somebody come to your door once or twice a year to tell you that God loves you.

“Would You PLEASE Stop Saying That? It’s Offensive.”

But even these small comforts may soon be a memory. Kicking bizarre religions could become a quaint relic of yesteryear if these fundamentalist wackos get their way, and pretty soon we may have to start treating these fringe-dwellers like real faiths–with respect. Ridiculous!  We would rather see our daughters forced into a life of prostitution than to compromise our principles by treating a snake handler as if he were the spiritual equal of a Methodist or a Muslim. Not only is snake handling illegal in most civilized states, but its disturbing tenets fall completely outside the boundaries of what Promethean Times deems acceptable for a ‘normal’ religion.

We Call Bullshit. They’re Happy AND They Enjoy Spending Time With Their Families? Just What The Fuck Is Wrong With These People?

While we believe that, without exception, tolerance should be extended to every person on Earth regardless of his or her wacky beliefs, we can’t stand Mormons because of their extreme and hateful view of homosexuality–they strongly disapprove of it. Perhaps if we outlawed their ridiculous religion they’d understand how important it is to tolerate people with differing beliefs, even those considered offensive.

Sure, We All Know That Church On Saturday Is Weird And Wrong. But If You Want To Avoid Real Trouble, Make Sure The Line Of People At Which You’re Throwing Eggs Is Coming Out Of A Kingdom Hall.

What can we say about the Jehovah’s Witnesses that we haven’t said before?  The really irritating thing about the Jehovah’s Witnesses is that when they’re mocked and the faith they hold so dear is distorted by a bunch of sneering half-truths, they retaliate by taking the time to write a nice note with a polite point-by-point response to the issues upon which there is disagreement. Some call it ‘turning the other cheek,’ but we call it fighting dirty.

Plus, They’re Cowards. When Most Other Able-Bodied German Men Were Doing Their Part To Enslave The Remaining Free Peoples Of Europe, The Jehovah’s Witnesses Decided They’d Rather Stay Home And Camp.

Although the American public still enjoys the right to publicly belittle these various zealots without fear of social opprobrium, the winds are changing. Soon, we may be forced to place these factions on par with those groups which have a legitimate history of persecution, like NAMBLA, the North American Man-Boy Love Association. Until then, we ask that other people of legitimate faiths to join us in fervently wishing that a few more of those freaks get bit by their own deadly serpents.

Serves You Right For Being Such A Weirdo.

In America, we treat all beliefs with equal respect.  You can get behind that or you can get the fuck out. ∞T.

Jehovah’s Witnesses: You Might Like To Know

02 Saturday Jun 2012

Posted by in Culture, News, Religion

≈ 24 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Originally posted 10.04.11

By Smaktakula

Although They Don’t Celebrate Holidays, Every Day Is A Party For The Witnesses.

Admit it, you don’t know much about the Jehovah’s Witnesses other than that you fear them. For many, the sight of a well-dressed, smiling couple patrolling the neighborhood can instill the same fear that a gang member would. Unlike that gang member, whose interest in your house is only a possibility, the Witnesses are guaranteed to knock on your door, copy of The Watchtower in hand.

Unlike Jews Or Muslims, The Jehovah’s Witnesses Exist For You To Mock.

You may know some of the more peculiar details of the Witnesses’ faith–the failed doomsday predictions, their lack of cool holidays or Witnesses’ refusal to salute the flag. Moreover, they refuse blood transfusions and military service. Most peculiar of all, like Jews and Seventh Day Adventists, Witnesses choose to ruin their Saturday with church, rather than the accepted Western tradition of Church on Sunday.

Pull The Curtains And Turn Off The TV Unless You’ve Got Three Hours To Kill.

But most people don’t know the price the Witnesses have paid over the years for their anti-militaristic views. Their refusal to serve in World War I angered fascistic governments in Germany and the United States, resulting in persecution and imprisonment.  During the Holocaust, Jehovah’s Witnesses paid with their lives, sent to the camps along with Gypsies, Jews, homosexuals, communists and common criminals. But unlike many of the others, whose offense to Nazi Germany was tied to some immutable condition, all the Witnesses had to do to save their own lives was to shut up about the Holocaust. Contrarians to the end, they refused. Their devotion was such that SS captains implored their lethal stooges to be as fanatical as the Jehovah’s Witnesses.

You Had No Fucking Idea, Did You?

Lastly, everyone must agree that given the Witnesses’ literal belief that only 144,000 souls will be admitted to heaven, it’s pretty generous of them to go door to door every week. With such a small number of the elect slated to make it into heaven, a Jehovah’s Witness puts his or her spot in jeopardy with every knock on the door.

The Witnesses Politely Told The Nazis To Enjoy Relations With Themselves.

Prophet’s Stint As Guest-Editor Of Humor Magazine Surprisingly Unfunny

30 Wednesday Nov 2011

Posted by in Crime, Culture, News, Politics, Religion

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

By Smaktakula

Arrogant, You Knew. Dirty, You Knew. But Bravely Committed To The Ideals Of Free Speech?

It sounded like a great idea: invite Islam’s premier prophet to guest edit a French humor magazine.  The editors of French Satirical magazine Charlie Hebdo had long sought to entice the Prophet Mohammed to bring his singular wit and warm sense of humor to their magazine.  Charlie Hebdo’s editors were ecstatic when Mohammed agreed to a guest editorship, but what no one could have expected was that things would quickly turn deadly.

What's Everybody Getting So Upset About? It Looks Like A Penis In A Chef's Cap. . .Oh, God--Please Don't Kill Us.

Although impossible to foresee, the Prophet’s selection proved controversial.  Charlie Hebdo’s editors expressed surprise at the outrage, claiming that Mohammed’s selection was to celebrate the victory in Tunisia by an Islamist party during the so-called ‘Arab Spring.’  Further, in a move the magazine staff was sure would delight Muslims worldwide, they decided to honor the Prophet on their cover, depicting him in cartoon saying, ‘100 lashes if you’re not dying of laughter.’

This Disturbing Image Is Insensitive To Muslims! Not That It Matters, But We Suppose It's Also Offensive To Satanic Crusaders And Filthy Jews.

Surprisingly, the Islamic community was not entirely amused.  Although known for being an easy-going and tolerant religion, some Islamists reacted to the Prophet’s guest-editor stint with uncharacteristic rage.  Charlie Hebdo received a number of threats on various social networking sites, but no one took seriously the notion that an adherent of Islam would commit violence in the name of Allah.

If You Want To Mock Christian Figures--Including Their God, Knock Yourself Out--The Worst You Need Fear Is A Stern Talking-To.

Amazingly, that’s just what happened.  Charlie Hebdo‘s Paris offices were destroyed by a petrol bomb.  Even now, weeks later, a stunned world is still trying to make sense of this.  Some so-called ‘experts’ have opined that the violence was the work of radical Muslims, who are sometimes known to be touchy about depictions of the Prophet.  Promethean Times disagrees.  Whoever the vandals are, they’re more likely to be angry Christians or Jews.  If there’s one thing we know about Muslims, it’s that they can take a joke.

"I Don't Get It."

The Westboro Baptist Church Pretty Much Hates Everybody

28 Tuesday Jun 2011

Posted by in Celebrity, Culture, News, Religion, Stupidity

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Not Unlike The Protagonists From The Wizard Of Oz, Fred's Got No Heart, No Brains, No Courage, And He's A Little Bitch From Kansas.

In a maneuver of daring doucheness which surprised both their foes and their fringy clutch of boosters alike, yokel commandos from the Westboro Baptist Church staged a brazen assault on America’s East Coast.  The majority of their forces were directed at New York’s Gay Pride Parade, with some held in reserve in the event of a public memorial for Jackass Jackass Ryan Dunn.

Fred's Daughter, Shirley Phelps-Roper: You Can See The Crazy Oozing Out Of Her Like Stink From A Dog.

Westboro Baptist, the righteous army of the execrable douchelord Fred Phelps, has gained notoriety in recent years by picketing funerals, most notably those of fallen soldiers and marines.  These Kansan cock-knockers believe that America has strayed from the course intended by the Almighty by failing to lynch outright pernicious elements of society, most particularly homosexuals.  It remains unclear why the Lord of Lords has chosen as His sole prophet a deranged old nutbag from the prairie whose idea of saving souls is waving a placard thanking God for IEDs while screaming incoherently at grieving survivors.  Nevertheless, the indefatigable Clan Westboro is an increasing media presence.

What?!? The Space Shuttle? Why God, Why?

Westboro’s assault on New York City’s Gay Pride Parade is  in retaliation for New York State’s recent legalization of gay marriage, which according to one source close to Phelps has made the preacher “flaming mad, absolutely raging.”  Although the handful of church weirdos who showed up to protest the event were dwarfed in number by the gazillions who attended to celebrate, a spokesidiot for the WBC likened their situation to that of David and Goliath.  She then went on to explain twice that the story of David and Goliath has nothing at all to do with a TV show about a Claymation sissyboy and his talking dog.  She reconfirmed this information in a follow-up interview.

If God Really Hates This Dude, Why Did The Almighty Waste So Much Time On Meticulous Detail?

It is believed that several Westboro operatives remain on the East Coast, planning to disrupt the inevitable memorial to Dunn, which although as-yet-unannounced, most experts believe will have to occur soon before the reality-television clown fades from public’s goldfish-like memory.  Dunn died along with another person last week, in what in other circumstances would be called a murder-suicide, but because it was vehicular has been termed a ‘drunk driving accident.’

Granted, It Was Somewhat Irresponsible Of Dunn To Drive Drunk, Killing Himself And Another Person. But It Was REALLY Irresponsible For Roger Ebert To Suggest That Dunn Might Have Been Drunk Before The World Found Out That He Was.

Given the potential exposure of such a public event, which media outlets like MTV will be only too happy to hijack, the Church has an opportunity to bring their peculiar brand of Christianity to a wider audience.  However, the halfwits who grieve for Dunn aren’t likely to understand how the presumably heterosexual Jackass’ moronic and useless death has anything to do with God hating homosexuals.  The three or four whole-to-partially-witted folks who witness the event are likely to have the same problem.

We Remain Unconvinced That Talking About 'God's Rod' Is The Most Effective Way To Get Folks To Stop Thinking About Man-Sausage.

Fred Phelps: Champion Of Civil Liberties

04 Friday Mar 2011

Posted by in News, Religion

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , ,

By Smaktakula

The WBC Believes That The Bible Is The Literal Word Of God. Except That Part About "Love Thy Neighbor As Thyself, For God Loves All." Nobody Knows How THAT Wackiness Got In There.

Fred Phelps and his odious Westboro Baptist Church were the recent victors in a 8-1 Supreme Court decision which upheld the church’s right to act like complete cocksuckers at the funerals of soldiers.  The WBC is concerned, as are many fundamentalist Christian and Islamic groups, that the United States has become entirely too tolerant of homosexuality.

Rather than pray for these wayward souls as do so many less militant groups, the WBC takes, what is to their thinking anyway, direct action.  To combat homosexuality, this group demonstrates at the funerals of soldiers (of whom, although no data exist to confirm this, it can be assumed were largely heterosexual), trumpeting the Good News that God is not only thrilled by the heartbreaking loss of life, but that moreover the Almighty “Hates Fags.”

As devoted proponents of the 1st Amendment, Promethean Times applauds the Supreme Court’s decision.  As difficult as it can sometimes be to accept, tolerance includes those things which offend us to our cores.  In this way, Phelps and the Westboro Baptist Church have struck a victory for us all.

To Fred Phelps, champion of our civil liberties, we say:

WAY TO GO, HOMO!

"I WANT YOU To Go Fuck Yourself."

This Day In History: February 14, 1989 CE

14 Monday Feb 2011

Posted by in Culture, History, Politics, Religion

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

On which douchey theocrat Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini vociferously expresses his displeasure with Salman Rushdie‘s The Satanic Verses. The tactic proves so popular that it remains the Islamic community’s preferred method to redress grievances both real and imagined.

"Okay, First Of All, I'd Like To Thank Everybody For Coming. I Know You All Had To Take Time Out Of Your Busy Lives, But It's Great You Could Be Here. A Couple Of Special Mentions Before I Forget: Thanks To Faisal And Mohammad For Donating The Envelopes. Also, Everybody Remember To Thank Ibrahim's Boss For Letting Us Use The Stamp Machine. Okay, Let's Get Down To Business: Remember, When Writing The Publisher To Express Your Hurt Feelings, Be Firm But Polite. After All, We Don't Want To Sound Like A Bunch Of Crazies, Am I Right, Guys?"

We, the public, are easily, lethally offended.  We have come to think of taking offence as a fundamental right.  We value very little more highly than our rage, which gives us, in our opinion, the moral high ground.  From this high ground we can shoot down at our enemies and inflict heavy fatalities.  We take pride in our short fuses.  Our anger elevates, transcends.
Salman Rushdie

Pork: The Other Hate Meat

09 Thursday Dec 2010

Posted by in Culture, Politics, Religion, Stupidity

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

By Smaktakula

Get It Straight: Bacon Doesn't Love You. It's Only Hanging Around To Get A Crack At Your Hot Sister.

In American society’s quest to regulate speech in the interests of sensitivity and to answer the burning question Why are we so full of hate?, it must constantly reexamine various societal motifs and weed out those which have gained hateful properties. One of America’s favorite meats has undergone such a transformation: pork has stepped over to the dark side.  It is now a hate meat.

So If You Were Trapped On A Desert Island, And The Only Things Available To Eat Were Either A Pig Or A Jewish Dude . . .

To Muslims, the pig is one of many objects and things proscribed by Islam as ritually unclean.  Detractors of the Religion of Peace have begun to exploit this injunction.  Pork-related anti-Muslim attacks are on the rise across the country, including a recent episode where the words PIG and CHUMP were spelled out in bacon on a sidewalk in front of a North Carolina mosque.  For many within the Muslim community this was no bit of porcine playfulness, but nothing less than a direct assault on the peaceful teachings of Islam–a hate crime.

Not Quite So Literal, Jackass.

Some observers wonder: Are anti-Muslim activities on the rise, or has the Muslim community become more sensitive?  The Jewish faith has a similar proscription against pork, and has no doubt suffered many of the same food-related indignities as have Muslims in its long association with American life.  Nonetheless, we don’t hear as much about the hate food issue from Jewish people, who are perhaps more concerned with actual violence–sometimes perpetrated by Muslims–rather than imagined, symbolic violence.

While We're On The Subject Of Ritual Cleanliness, Let's Talk About That Beard.

In this regard, strictures on Muslim hygiene are much more severe than those of the Jewish faith, possibly the origin of the favored Islamic epithet, “dirty Jew.”  Whereas Jews only have to avoid eating unclean creatures, and more obvious prohibitions like not fornicating with them or wearing their skins, Muslims go all the way, with some even declaring an image of something unclean to be an affront to the Almighty.

And Worst Of All, The Little Infidel Creature Refuses To Wear Pants.

The potential list of Muslim vulnerabilities doesn’t end with pork; Islam defines several objects and creatures as ritually unclean.  Dogs, popular enough in the West to earn the affectionate sobriquet ‘Man’s Best Friend,’ are among the things the Koran has determined to be forbidden.  In fact, in Scotland recently a police postcard featuring the image of an adorable police dog puppy created outrage in the Muslim community.  The postcard was withdrawn and an abject apology soon followed.

Ritually Unclean Things Have A Similar Effect Upon Muslims.

This prohibition against dogs has also caused some Muslim cab drivers at the Minneapolis Airport to refuse to transport passengers with dogs.  Some refused people carrying alcohol or who had been drinking, another Islamic no-no.  There’s no word on whether these cab drivers refused entry to an unveiled woman  or one who dared to have a job.

Poster

A Cruel Slap In The Face To Islam. Bad Dog!

As mentioned earlier, while Muslims are by no means alone in following strict dietary and religious procedures, they stand out by demanding that people of other faiths observe these same strictures.  Orthodox Jews, for example, are religiously prohibited from mixing beef and dairy products, some going so far as to have separate ovens–and in some cases separate kitchens–for the two substances.  Curiously, there has not been a concerted effort by Jews to prevent people of other faiths from combining these two food products as they see fit.

The Real Face Of Pork. Not So Pretty, Eh?

In a possibly-related piece of news, scientists have discovered that diets low in pork-related products may in some instances cause people to become whiny bitches.* Efforts to produce sausage from contrived outrage and self-flagellation have yet to offer tangible results.

We Acknowledge That Some Bacon Is An Affront To God.

*Readers may be interested to know that Smaktakula does not eat pork products of any kind.  Draw your own conclusions. ∞T

Happy Thoughts For Friday: Dee-Vine Justice

19 Friday Nov 2010

Posted by in Religion

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

By Smaktakula

When notoriously unfriendly douchebag Reverend Fred Phelps finally shuffles off this mortal coil and meets the Almighty, wouldn’t it be super if He looked like this?

"I Hate WHAT? Oh No. Oh No You Di'nt. Oh No, Girlfriend--You Did NOT Just Say That!"

Hey now, Sugartits–you ever play a game called ‘Where’s the serpent?’

Indonesia Beset By Twin Disasters; Robertson Silent

27 Wednesday Oct 2010

Posted by in News, Religion

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , ,

By Smaktakula

A freakish double-disaster has claimed the lives of at least 137 people in Indonesia.  On Monday, parts of the island nation were stuck by a tsunami, killing a least a hundred people and leaving many more homeless.  The following day, an eruption from Mount Merapi, the country’s most active volcano, killed at least twenty-five more.

Perhaps most remarkable development in this chain of events is the continuing silence of American televangelist Pat Robertson, whom most observers expect to opine at any moment that the Muslim nation was somehow asking for it.

"This Is A Terrible Tragedy--I Would Never Say The People Of Indonesia 'Deserved' This. No One Does. Would They Have Deserved It A Little Less If They Were Christian Instead Of Hell-Bound Suicide-Bombing Muslims? That's Not For Me To Say."

The Secret Origin Of Westboro Baptist’s Fred Phelps

27 Tuesday Jul 2010

Posted by in Christianity, Cinema, Constitutional Issues, Culture, Hollywood, People, Relationships, Religion, Social Networking

≈ 7 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , ,

By Smaktakula
Late August, 1951

"Jesus, Fred--What Does 'I Wish I Could Quit You' Mean, Anyway? Look, We Both Knew This Wouldn't Be Forever, Right? But What We Had, Man--It Was Real. Just Promise Me Something, Fred. Promise Me You Won't Let This Make You Bitter."

The piece of Phelpsicana included below, the Westboro Baptist Church’s earliest slogan, helps to shed light on Phelps’ bizarre devolution:

No Reason Was Given For The Slogan's Change During The Winter Of 1952. Apparently, Phelps Thought "God Hates Fags" Just Sounded Better.