Tag Archives: famous for nothing

Somehow–Some Way–We Will Go On

06 Saturday Apr 2013

Posted by in Celebrity, Culture, Entertainment, Literature, News

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By Smaktakula

“Now Who Will Tell Me What To Think Of The Movies I Watch?”

The world has lost two very special people in recent days, both of whom made significant contributions to popular culture and the arts. There will be others who will follow in the trails these men blazed and perhaps forge paths of their own, leading us into mysterious lands yet undreamed. But never again will we see the likes of these two.

Shane Gandee: The cretinous reality TV yob is believed to have perished along with two other yokels of carbon monoxide poisoning.

His Corpse Was Discovered In A Twenty-Year-Old Pickup Partially Submerged In Mud, So You Know He Died Doing What He Loved, Y’All.

Roger Ebert: The beloved film critic and prosthetics enthusiast succumbed to a lengthy battle with cancer.

After Penning The Cult Oddity “Beyond The Valley Of The Dolls,” Ebert Realized His Was Genius Lay Not In Creating Films, But In Telling People How To Feel About Films Other People Created.

Goodbye, dear friends, goodbye. The arts are poorer for your loss.

Also, for the sake of completeness, some dude from Africa, Chinua Achebe, kicked off a couple of weeks ago. No, we hadn’t heard of him either–he wrote a book or something.

Well, Sure–He May Have Been The Greatest Literary Voice In The History Of An Entire Continent, But Roger Ebert Was The Greatest Movie Critic In The Whole World.

An Ode To Snooki

23 Thursday Feb 2012

Posted by in Celebrity, Culture, Entertainment, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

Snooki's Not Wearing Leather; That's Her Skin.

Nicole ‘Snooki’ Polizzi’s time in the spotlight must soon come to an end. Her fifteen minutes of infamy draws inevitably to a close, as the public’s short attention span casts an obscuring shadow over the stars of yesteryear,  even those–among whom Snooki cannot count herself–with actual talent. However unlikely it may seem now, this braying product of a messy one-night-stand between a Cheeto and an Oompa-Loompa will one day go away.

This is our simple tribute to her.

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This Is What It Looks Like When A Beach Ball Dresses Up Like Slash For Halloween.

If You Like Mixed Drinks, Why Not Try A Whining Orgasm Or Herpes On The Beach?

Sure, It Comes With A Price, But Sucking Off Every Jon Bon Jovi Impersonator In The Tri-State Area Is A Labor Of Love.

Plus, She Can't Take A Punch.

"HURRRRRRRR!"

Oompa Loompa doompadee doo
We’ve got a funny question for you
Oompa Loompa doompadah duss
If you are wise you’ll listen to us
What do you get from being on TV?
A miserly check and a credit or three
Why don’t you try simply curtailing the sex?
Or do you just adore Valtrex?
You’ll get no
You’ll get no
You’ll get no
You’ll get no
You’ll get no breakouts
Oompa Loompa Doompadee Dah
Since you are greedy you will go far
You will never find happiness
Like the Oompa Loompa give a rat’s ass

A Modern Zen Koan: Reality Skanks

01 Wednesday Feb 2012

Posted by in Culture, Entertainment

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By Smaktakula

Nothing But A Euphemism For Touching Yourself.

The koan has been an essential part of the Buddhist arsenal for about fifteen centuries. These philosophical questions, the answers to which can only be reached by non-rational thinking–if at all, are designed not to test knowledge, but to put the listener  in the proper frame of mind to reach enlightenment. Among the better known koans are “What is the sound of one hand clapping?” and “What did your face look like before your father was born?”

It Sounds Like Your Lights Aren't Coming On.

In an effort to bring this philosophical discipline into the twenty-first century, Promethean Times has devised a koan which meets with Buddhism’s intellectual strictures, but is also throughly modern. Our question takes its subject matter not from the stuffy realms of philosophy or metaphysics, but from the full-color world of reality TV.

We Can Name Two Things That Make You Less Attractive.

Our koan is this: Between Amber Portwood and Leah Messer, two stars of MTV’s 16 and Pregnant, who is more representative of human dignity, propriety and decency?

The Real Puzzle Is That, To Get On '16 and Pregnant,' A Man Must Have Been Willing To Lie Down With You.

Bon Jovi Scare Raises Question: Who From Jersey NEEDS To Die?

21 Wednesday Dec 2011

Posted by in Culture

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By Smaktakula

Glad To See You Made It, Jon. But If It Looks Like Jersey, It's At Best Purgatory.

Residents of the Garden State are resting a little easier with the knowledge that beloved New Jersey music icon Jon Bon Jovi is not dead, as was earlier reported.  The erroneous reports of the singer’s death were greeted by the gnashing of teeth and tearing of garments from Bayonne to Camden.  After Asbury Park native Bruce Springsteen, Bon Jovi is New Jersey’s most universally popular figure.

"He's Not Dead!" Says Shannon Fitzgerald, Longtime Bon Jovi Stalker, "And I'll Kill Anyone Who Says He Is!"

While Promethean Times shares the public’s relief at the news of Bon Jovi’s continued existence, the false rumors of his demise invite interesting speculation.  Given that the majority of celebrities associated with New Jersey are cartoonish parodies of the state’s lowest and most venal stereotypes (the accuracy of these depictions notwithstanding), is there anyone else from New Jersey who might deserve death in Bon Jovi’s stead?

We proudly present the following options:

Jason Alexander: Irritating, Bald And Short, But Apparently Going Away On His Own.

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Snooki: Oversexed Orange Wishnik Troll And Herpes' Answer To Typhoid Mary.

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Joe Piscopo: WHO?

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Woodrow Wilson: Snooty Academic. League Of Nations Enthusiast. Reneged On Promise To Keep US Out Of WWI, And Failed To Make The World Safe For Democracy. Already Dead.

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Joe Pesci: Like Alexander, Pesci Is Short And Irritating, But Has Better Hair And Has Appeared In A Funny Movie As Recently As The Clinton Administration.

However, after hundreds of hours sorting through viable candidates, contrasting their various crimes against humanity as well as mitigating factors, we’ve determined the New Jersey celebrity most in need of death:

Richie Sambora: There Can Be Only One.

Katching Up WIth K-Fed

15 Tuesday Nov 2011

Posted by in Celebrity, Culture, Entertainment, News

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By Smaktakula

As it turns out, not much is going on.

The Formerly-Famous Fresnan* Is Seen Loitering With An Unidentified Woman, Possibly A Baby Mama.

* Fresnan: noun 1) a person from Fresno, California; 2) rascal, lout or douchebag.  ∞T.

One-Legged Hag Refuses To Let Senility Destroy Her Dreams Of Second-Time Motherhood

19 Tuesday Apr 2011

Posted by in Celebrity, Cinema, News, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

For Reals: Zsa Zsa Was Hot Long Ago.

Creepy gold-digger Frédèric Prinz von Anhalt announced recently that his wife, superannuated entertainment oddity Zsa Zsa Gabor, would like to have another child at 94.  Anhalt has reportedly spent $100,000 for the procedure.

Gabor, most famous for slapping a police officer, was a forerunner of today’s reality stars, who traded on her image rather than talents or actual accomplishments.  Although her list of film credits is relatively meager, the Hungarian harridan has tenaciously managed to keep herself in the tabloids.

Prince Frederic von Anhalt with his wife Zsa Zsa Gabor, who has suffered major health problems in the last year, including hip replacement surgery and a leg amputation.

"Better Get That Camera Out Of Here. Me And The Missus May Start On That Baby Right Now, If You Know What I Mean."

Those who are dubious about Gabor’s supposed quest for 2nd-time motherhood have derided the couple’s plan as an obscene affront against nature.  The crone has had difficulty walking since a 2002 car accident, and recently had her gangrenous right leg removed.  Anhalt explains that while Gabor’s desiccated body would be used as a host for the pregnancy, the couple would be soliciting the help of a donor, and would not be relying on the ancient actresses’ rotten eggs.

Anhalt, who gained his title after being adopted as an adult by the last surviving relative of Kaiser Wilhelm II, briefly considered a run for Governor of California before withdrawing to care for Gabor.  Anhalt has on more than one occasion returned the favor by adopting an adult male.  Now, however, the wily Kraut plans to employ perverted science to create biological children, proudly announcing that he’d already donated sperm to the cause.

The Personal Style Of A Prince: Start With A Dollop Of Prussian Officer And Liberal Amounts Of Sgt. Pepper, With Just A Dash Of Captain EO.

K-Fed, Serial Impregnator

08 Friday Apr 2011

Posted by in Celebrity, Culture, News, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula
Kevin Federline Picture

"I Have This Many Childrens Now!" Good Try, Kev--You Got A Little Closer That Time.

Professional baby-daddy Kevin ‘K-Fed’ Federline has likely spawned his fifth child according to a source close to the expectant mother, former professional volleyball player Victoria Prince.  K-Fed’s brood currently includes two children with actress Shar Jackson and a pair with white trash survivor Britney Spears.

Say What You Will About The Man, But No Shortage Of Reasonably Attractive Women Are Willing To Sleep With Him.

Of the many roles K-Fed has played over the years (backup dancer, rap artist, career-killer) none appears to satisfy him as much as fatherhood, particularly since siring children is the only activity for which he has shown any measurable aptitude.  It’s a safe bet that K-Fed will continue to knock ladies up for years to come, so long as there remains at least one kind soul who will let him do it.

Who Will Be Next? "You Like Fridays? NO WAY!--I Like Fridays, Too!"

Bonus: K-Fed’s immortal ‘Popozão.’

That shit is fire, we assure you.
Po, Po, Po, Po, Popozão, Popozão!

Michael Lohan: Bad Father, Even Badder Boyfriend

23 Wednesday Mar 2011

Posted by in Celebrity, Crime, News, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

Get Your Facts Straight: MiLo Doesn't Enjoy Hitting Women. It's Just Necessary For His Sense Of Self-Worth.

It’s hard to find many people who pity slimy CelebriMom Dina Lohan, but Kate Major can now count herself among that select few.  Until just a few days ago, Major shared a bed with Lohan’s troubled ex-husband, the cretinous Michael ‘MiLo’ Lohan.  The fairytale May-December romance came to a crashing end when Lohan got violent.

Apparently, the cradle-robbing cretin escaped free from Celebrity Rehab compound  (where Lohan’s presence strains the definition of the word ‘Celebrity’) before finding the terrified Major with a female friend.  Here the accounts of MiLo’s rampage grow fuzzy.  Although most reports list Major as being on the receiving end of MiLo’s self-loathing rage, a few list Major’s friend as the victim.  Not in dispute is this: Michael Lohan hits women.

Dino Flintstone

Dino Lohan Claims That Being Married To MiLo Is Like Living With A Neanderthal.

MiLo cries foul at these accusations, and in a sadly unsurprising move, accuses the much smaller Major of being violent toward him.  Chasing this dubious tactic to its inevitable extreme, the dirty old man contends that the bruises Major has been sporting lately have been the product of makeup, and not MiLo’s fists. MiLo was so upset upon his arrest that he began to have chest pains, and spent the night in Cedar-Sinai under the watchful eye of an on-duty police officer.

Upon hearing the news, Major was less than sympathetic:  “The heart issues get old and he’s obviously strong enough to hit a woman but not a man. Everything he said is a lie or a vindictive threat.”

Kate Major, Michael Lohan

MiLo's Holding Her Mother Hostage. That's The Only Possible Explanation.

Despite the threat of several felonies, Lohan will be charged only with a misdemeanor, proving once again that justice loves a scumbag.  Although this will enable MiLo to get back to hitting women much more quickly than anticipated, don’t expect to see Kate Major helping him bolster his fragile sense of self-esteem– It looks like MiLo will have to find another girl to knock around. Of her despicable Ex, Major says,  “I wish he’d shut up and go to jail.”

MiLo Is Hoping His Next Girlfriend Isn't So Damn Lippy.

Reality Skank ‘Devastated’ By Nudie Pix

28 Monday Feb 2011

Posted by in Celebrity, Culture, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

Is There A Red-Blooded Male Out There Who HASN'T Asked Himself At Least Once, "What Would That Thing Look Like Naked?"

Overpaid hussy Amber Portwood is said to be ‘devastated’ by the recent release of several compromising pictures, which have rapidly gone viral.  The untalented reality star claims that the nude photos, which she labels “non-sexual,” were stolen from her phone by a trusted friend.

In this instance, feelings of pity for Ms. Portwood can be forgiven.  It is no doubt painful that she has not been compensated for these tasteful portraits, and that potentially millions of curiosity-seekers will “enjoy” her lackluster physique for no more than the cost of an internet connection, or in some cases, a library card.

Moreover, Portwood’s claim that the pictures are non-sexual is strengthened by the photographic evidence.  After viewing the images, it’s difficult to imagine that even the most maladjusted window-peeper could be aroused by these photos.

By The Time Amber Mounts Her 'Comeback' As A Porno Oddity, That Tattoo Will Look Even More Like Rosanne Barr Than It Already Does.

Given that a boob job is pretty much an eventuality for Portwood, we’re curious as to why she didn’t wait to take these pictures until she’d undergone the procedure, and in doing so avoid looking like a nine-year-old boy. ∞T.

Fan Mail From MiLo

01 Monday Nov 2010

Posted by in Celebrity, Culture

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A Very Special Message From The Promethean Times Staff

We've Got Mail! YAAAAAAAY!

We enjoy receiving comments and email from our readers.  We’re glad that we made you laugh or think, and we really do appreciate your kind words.

However, readers may be shocked to know that not all the feedback we receive is positive.  Sometimes, someone will disagree with something he or she reads in  Promethean Times, and takes the time to tell us about it.  It goes without saying that these people are evil, and quite possibly child-molesters–but we do listen to what they have to say.

Of one post, a reader observed, “It’s just too good a laugh to let facts get in the way.”  Another asked, “It’s easy to be part of the journalism problem by only focusing on things that damn people rather than the full story — isn’t it?”

Michael Lohan Is Apparently More Committed To Biblical Scholarship Than To Standardized Spelling.

We have been called right-wing, left-wing, anti-poor, anti-catholic, small-minded, deliberately misleading and a few other charges that are at best half-truths.  Nonetheless, we appreciate these comments, too. They may be way off-base, but at least somebody’s reading.

Recently, Promethean Times was honored to receive fan mail from an honest-to-goodness Hollywood celebrity.  We have worked diligently to cultivate a persona of jaded cynicism, but it’s hard to do anything but stand up and take notice when an entertainment personality the caliber of Michael “MiLo” Lohan sends a fan letter.

If We Could Just Get Octomom In This Picture, The Freakshow Troika Would Be Complete.

Upon reading our whimsical piece, Happy Thoughts For Tuesday: Thank God Michael Lohan Isn’t Your Dad, Mike posted a comment to let us know he was profoundly moved by what we had written, and was kind enough to share some Scripture.  Here’s Mike’s comment in its entirety:

With a heart as dark and evil as yours , you will burn in hell if you dont change. Judge not, lest you shall be judged. And Do unto others as would have them do unto you. Did you ever hear those proverbial wordss?
If not, which it appears you haven’t, learn them

Wow.  Thanks a lot, Mike–we really appreciate it.  PT is a labor of love, and we’re warmed by the knowledge that a big-name star like yourself might inadvertently stumble across us while compulsively googling his own name.

"I'm Michael Lohan, And I Approved This Message."

Come back & see us soon, Mike!

And you too.