Tag Archives: Barack Obama

Headlines: We’re Not Laughing, Ricky

20 Wednesday Nov 2013

Posted by in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, Headlines, History, News, Philosophy, Politics, Religion, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

No Matter How Loudly We Trumpet Our Innocence, The Man’s Always Trying To Bring Us Down.

In which we celebrate ignorance by responding to the headlines of news articles we have not bothered to read.

***

What We Lost When J.F.K. Died ~ Our reluctance to embrace wacky conspiracy theories.

Rain Forest Plants Race to Outrun Global Warming ~ But being rooted to the ground, they’re pretty much fucked.

Man says dollar store tricked his family into leaving Houston ~ Sounds like the Dollar Store did you a favor, pardner.

Tom Brady feels terrific ~ Does he ever! C’mon, try rubbing his backside!

Obese 2-year-old is youngest to have bariatric surgery ~ Is bariatric surgery that thing where they beat a person’s parents with lead pipes? If so, we definitely think he should have that done.

Still Think ‘Fat Shaming’ Is Wrong In Every Instance?

Will Legal Pot Cost More Than Black-Market Pot? ~ It already does, fucknugget.

Explaining Twerking to Your Parents ~ Why on earth would you want to do something like that?

Big penis, small penis ~ Lucky man, locker-room laughingstock.

1939 Jewish Husband Too Sensitive About Hitler ~ But the really shitty thing is that his wife STILL won’t admit he was right!

Martha Stewart Admits To Having A Threesome ~ We don’t know whether to feel aroused or repulsed! Repulsed…now kinda aroused…repulsed again…and a little more arousal…

No, Martha, That’s Not A “Good Thing” At All. It’s A Crime Against Nature!

Real estate company ranks ’10 best cities in Michigan’ ~ 7 of them are in Wisconsin.

Is Obama to blame for North Korea? ~ Well, the way Obama tells it, it’s George Bush’s fault.

‘I Don’t Want My Children to Go to College’ ~ It’s like I tell my boys–“the world needs ditch-diggers.”

Two-fifths of elderly spend more than they earn, study finds ~ Sure, but at some point that becomes prudent. You can’t take it with you, right?

40-year-old mom found nude in teenage boy’s closet ~ Assuming that it’s somebody else’s mom, we say, “Way to go, kid!”

So, No–This Is Not Cool.

Ricky Williams says weed was like his Popeye spinach ~ Sometimes people laugh at what they don’t understand.

What’s Really Going On When Men Call Women ‘Crazy’ ~ A potentially serious mental illness is being addressed to the good of all parties involved.

UPDATE: Pedestrian hit by vehicle was not using crosswalk ~ Serves that law-breaking fucker right, then.

Mysterious Sea Creature In Spain Washes Ashore, Baffles Locals ~ Turns out it was a bar of soap.

What to Say to Parents of Kids With Special Needs ~ “Oh, man! I’m so glad I’m not you!”

And Sometimes People Laugh At What They Do Understand.

Teen Accused of Stabbing Teacher to Death ‘Kept to Himself’ ~ Except for that one time when he stabbed the teacher to death.

Help! My Daughter Got Pregnant at a Friend’s Party and the Owners of the House Won’t Chip In ~ That makes as much sense as me suing the makers of the Dodge Dart for my children.

Why Are Some People Left-Handed? ~ Because God is cruel.

Obama to lay out agenda for economic recovery ~ You mean now? It’s not still 2009 is it?

What Happens When a Language Has No Numbers? ~ You call it ‘Polish.’

Based On Our One Brief Visit To Poland, We Assure You That Everything You’ve Heard About Those People Is True.

Sorry Europe, We’re Still Spying ~ And by ‘sorry,’ we mean ‘Fuck You.’

Chris Brown: I lost my virginity when I was 8 years old ~ That’s a funny way of saying ‘I was sexually assaulted when I was 8 years old.’

NYC police reportedly identify mother of 1991 murder victim ‘Baby Hope’ ~ They called her ‘Baby Hope’ because ‘Baby Irony’ was just too obvious.

Growing Number Of Latin Americans Turning to Judaism ~ Headline for 2025: Latin America Becomes World’s Most Prosperous Region.

Free mammogram clinic set for Oct. 19 in SLO ~ It’s in my garage! Why not have a couple of drinks before swinging by?

I’ve Had Shirts Made Up And Everything!

Headlines: Badly-Named And Born To Kill

14 Friday Jun 2013

Posted by in Celebrity, Crime, Headlines, Politics, Religion, Science, Stupidity

≈ 18 Comments

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By Smaktakula

His Crime? That Fucking Name.

In which we celebrate our ignorance by commenting on the headlines of news stories we can’t be bothered to actually read.

***

Only Children: Lonely and Selfish? ~ Sounds like someone had to wear hand-me-downs again this year. Loser.

Obama won’t let daughters date sans Secret Service protection ~ We’re pretty sure that every father wishes an entire federal agency were tasked with securing his daughters’ virginity.

Study: Why Pot Smokers Are Skinnier ~ Smaktakula is just 25 pounds away from weighing 1/8th of a ton. Make of that what you will.

There’s More to Life Than Freezing Your Eggs ~ But paradoxically, if you have to be told that, then no, there isn’t.

Study Reports Disinfecting ICU Patients Could Reduce Infections ~ Somebody spent time and money to determine that infections could be reduced by taking measures to reduce them. Unless this study was conducted by kindergartners, it’s time to set those research goals a little higher.

“Fluids Help Prevent Dehydration.” That’s Why He Went To Medical School, Folks.

Rashida Jones: Sorry for saying John Travolta should ‘come out’ ~ Plus, it got totally taken out of context. All she meant to say was that John Travolta is actually a gay man who is only pretending to be heterosexual, and that he should stop doing that.

Baby boomers are killing themselves at an alarming rate, begging question: Why? ~ Right, ‘Why?’ as in ‘Why look a gift horse in the mouth?’

Review: Firing of ex-LAPD officer Dorner justified ~ Oh, you mean the firing of that dude who subsequently went on a murderous rampage? Thanks for looking into that.

Europeans All Related by Genetic Footprint Dating Back Only 1000 Years Ago ~ So there’s no difference between, say, a German and a Frenchman? That’s a hell of a thing to say.

When to Do Surgery on a Child With ‘Both’ Genitalia ~YAAAAGHHH! Immediately! Do it now! Right now!

Like Richard Gere And His Gerbils, Once You’ve Heard That Rumor, You Just Can’t Look At Jamie Lee The Same Way.

3 Kids Electrocuted While Swimming Points To A Shockingly Common Danger ~ Insensitive puns? Stupid people? It points to a couple, actually.

Why Penis Pictures Aren’t Pretty ~ It’s tough to take a pleasing picture when your subject is a bald, wrinkly, one-eyed trousersnake, and kind of a cock.

The gay airman who took on the US military ~ A truly heroic undertaking, but not without its consequences: he’s gonna walk that way for the rest of his life.

Chelsea Handler Gets Gentile Kiss From BF ~ What’s a ‘Gentile Kiss?’ Is that like oral sex? Because the Jewish girls we used to know wouldn’t do that.

Can a Christian watch ‘Game of Thrones’? ~ If that Christian ponies up the cash for HBO, he or she can watch quite easily.

Plus, If You Squint, He Kinda Looks Like Jesus.

Single mother’s simple error earns her $14 million lottery prize ~ Simple Johnny’s mom has been a lot nicer to him ever since he picked the winning numbers for her lottery ticket.

Race tied after candidate’s wife doesn’t vote ~ Candidate immediately softens his stance on domestic violence.

Guantanamo inmate: Obama has abandoned us ~ Oh, he did that back in January 2009. Don’t feel bad; it’s not only you who’s just now figuring that out.

Top 9 Things You Should Never Say To A Single Mom ~ “Wanna go out?”

3-Inch Fossil Holds Clue to Human Split From Apes ~ There’s no mystery behind the split. The reason our two species diverged–and I’m not trying to be disrespectful, I’m just laying it all out on the table–was because the apes were holding us back. I mean, look–it’s been like a great-gazillion years since then, and they’re STILL living in trees and pass the time by pelting one another with well-aimed clods of their own poo. Meanwhile, humans have not only journeyed to the moon and divined the secrets of the atom, we’ve also hunted some of those ape motherfuckers almost to the point of extinction. Homo Sapiens, BEYOTCH! 

If It Bleeds, We Can Kill It.

Headlines: Eat Like A Bird

04 Tuesday Jun 2013

Posted by in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, Entertainment, Headlines, News, Politics, Science, Stupidity

≈ 31 Comments

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By Smaktakula

No, We’re Not Going To Use This As A Cheap Opportunity To Poke Fun At Nigeria. People Have To Live In That Lightless Hellhole, You Know.

In which we comment on the day’s headlines without bothering to first read the stories.

***

What does it really feel like to fall out of a building? ~ It hurts real bad.

How ACL Injuries Are Detected on the Field  ~Healthcare providers first look for an athlete lying on the field in a fetal position, cradling his or her knee and screaming.

What Birds Teach Us About Babies ~ That babies love nothing better than having hot food puked directly into their waiting little mouths.

8 things to know about L.A.’s Koreatown ~ The two most important ones are to leave your dog at home and to make sure your auto policy includes collision coverage.

Help! My Cousin Won’t Tell Her Boyfriend She Used To Be a Man. ~ Which is why we make it a point to ask our dates for childhood photos as well as for bus fare home.

Man Accused of Raping Duck — Yes, Man Accused of Raping Duck ~ There’s no need to write that twice. We could have just reread the line if we were into that kind of thing.

After What They’ve Been Doing To Our Women For Years, We Say It’s About Time The Ducks Got A Taste Of Their Own Medicine.

Woman is Set On Fire During a C-section ~ Well if you think a C-section is painful, you should try giving birth vaginally.

It’s Official: She’s Pregnant! ~“And I’m officially joining the Peace Corps and flying off to Borneo, perhaps never to return. Isn’t that just the wildest coincidence ever?”

I’m Not Pregnant, I’m Just Fat ~ Well, in a very real way you’ve been knocked-up by Yoo-Hoo and jelly doughnuts.

Incredibly Humanlike New Species of Blond Monkey Discovered in Congo ~ So you’re saying this blond monkey is somehow superior to all his monkey brethren and it is incumbent upon him to someday rule them all with an iron monkey fist? Heavy.

Bad news: Jimmy Carter comes out against marijuana legalization ~ You were a shitty president, Jimmy–a shitty, shitty president.

Spelling Bee Champ Ponders Next Move ~ Avoiding the bully who’s waiting to kick his little ass the moment he steps down from the podium.

Look, You Can’t Deny It. This Kid Is Just BEGGING To Have His Ears Boxed And Maybe Get Stuffed Into His Own Locker. “Where’s Your Theory Of Relatives Now, Eisenstein?”

Why Poor People Are Still Dying for Our T-Shirts ~ ‘Cause our T-Shirts are hella cool!

Woman convicted of torture, mayhem for severing husband’s penis ~We are opponents of capital punishment, believing it to be unnecessary and cruel, and that moreover it has proven ineffective in deterring crime. However, in this instance we feel wholly justified in gleefully wishing death upon this malicious tallywhacker snatcher.

Piercing a Baby’s Ear: The Latino Dilemma ~ It’s not ‘Whether to learn Inglés?’

The man who split Obama’s lip speaks ~ “They’ll tell you that the worst thing about Guantanamo Bay is the food, but really, it’s the heat.”

Time Magazine Will Not Tell You How to Cure Cancer ~ Then Time Magazine can go fuck itself.

Honey Boo Boo’s Parents Not Legally Married ~ How unfortunate. Hopefully this revelation won’t turn the young girl’s life into some kind of degrading spectacle.

But For Her Sake, Promise Us That You’ll Continue To Comport Yourself With Dignity And Class.

Sucking Your Child’s Pacifier Clean May Have Benefits ~ Ha! No, not really. We just wanted to see if you’d try it. Where’s your dignity?

Can Sufism defuse radical Islam? ~ Sufis don’t make a habit of blowing shit up, so probably not.

How Much Do You Know About Alzheimer’s Disease? ~ “I’ve forgotten more about Alzheimer’s than you’ll ever know!”

For a Nation of Whiners, Therapists Try Tough Love ~ The results? Whining.

10 of the Worst Prisons in the World—Only 5 Are American ~ Damn. We would have thought at least seven or eight would be domestic products. It’s true: the American Century has at last come to an end.

Up Close with the Clitoris ~ “Up close” isn’t really the best way to see it.

Did Amanda Bynes Attack Rihanna On Twitter? ~ Twitter is a text-based platform that only allows a user to post words and images. So no, she didn’t, and just asking makes you a pussy.

So Do You See The Difference Between Your Feelings And Your Face Now? You Can Bet Your Ass Rihanna Does.

10 Ways Japan Can Add 8.2 Million Women to the Work Force ~ # 6: Kill 8.2 million dudes.

Princess Kate undergoes hypnotherapy to treat food aversion ~ In the United Kingdom a food aversion is also called “common sense.”

Best Birth Control for Older Women ~ Being an older woman.

How to Beat LeBron James ~ We recommend using no fewer than two lead pipes and maybe a bicycle chain.

Sri Lankan inmate stashes phone in rectum ~ It sounds painful, we know. But don’t worry–it wasn’t HIS rectum.

What women don’t want: ‘Run boobies, run!’ ~ Guys don’t want that either! We want those suckers right where we can see ’em.

We’ve Got Your Back. Figuratively Speaking.

***

Headlines: When Pigs Float

01 Monday Apr 2013

Posted by in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, Entertainment, Headlines, History, Music, News

≈ 43 Comments

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By Smaktakula

Ha! Tell Me About It. There’s A “Steve” Story About This Very Thing!

Because we learn everything we need to know about the world from the headlines of the day!

***

Police remove woman who yelled ‘Boring!’ during symphony ~ She’s only saying what everybody’s thinking.

The kilogram has gained weight ~ It sounds like maybe that European diet isn’t so healthy after all.

Hi there. What’s your sign? Have any STDs? ~ Smaktakula. Virgo. Genital wa…frankly, I don’t think that’s any of your business.

Teen narrowly escapes death after smoking synthetic marijuana ~ Coming within inches of claiming its first confirmed kill is quite an achievement considering that synthetic marijuana has only been around for about ten years or so. Real marijuana’s been around since the beginning of time and has never even come close to that level of lethality.

Girl who performed for Obama shot dead in Chicago ~ Look, it may seem a little harsh, but there’s the expectation that you’ll bring your A-game when you perform for the President.

Desperate dog makes 2-mile trek to find owner ~ I’m sorry, did you just say ‘two miles?’ TWO FUCKING MILES? Does the name Balto mean anything to you? Dammit, somebody fetch me a rolled-up newspaper!

“Is This What Has Become Of My Once-Proud People?”

Bodies of missing Mexican band members found in well. ~ So it sounds like all’s well that ends…sorry. Let’s try to put this one behind us, okay?

Court: Calif. may have to hire Wiccan chaplains ~ The First Amendment: No longer just for ‘real’ faiths.

What is “Mrs.” short for? … ~ The Mister’s!

Should You Start Your Own Chicken Coop? ~ If you give even a moment of your time to serious consideration of this question, then you’re a fucking nitwit.

Teen girl’s killing ignites widespread outrage: ‘Why did it have to be her’ ` Everybody was hoping it would be that little bitch Emily Dawkins from over on 11th Ave.

David Arquette Gives Adam Lambert B-Day Lap Dance ~ THIS JUST IN: Adam Lambert announces he is now straight.

Oh, It’s Assault For Sure, Not Least To The Senses.

A Cat’s 200-Mile Trek Home Leaves Scientists Guessing ~ That dog is looking less impressive by the second.

Why Do We Pay Waiters Better Than God? ~ Because God works for free, and even a dude from Honduras won’t do that.

Depressed teens mostly struggle alone ~ Well, sure–who wants to waste his or her life palling around with a Weepy Willy or Suzie So-Sad?

Dead pigs in Shanghai water supply don’t ring alarm bells for Chinese officials ~ “What? You no like sweet & sour pork?”

First Person: It’s Hard to Send a Pet to Heaven ~ It gets a lot easier once you’ve stepped out of bed and into a steaming coil of dog poop three days in a row.

Sexist Men Like Big Boobs? Male Attitudes May Predict Breast Size Preference … ~ So men who don’t find you attractive are pigs. Is that what you’re getting at, A-Cup?

Look, You Guys Don’t Know Kylie Like I Do. She’s Super-Smart And Really, Really Funny. I Just Enjoy Spending Time With Them. With Her. I Enjoy Spending Time With Her.

UK One Of The Most Unhealthiest Western European Nations, Study Says ~ The study notes, however, that they have the most bestest grammar.

Customers want to know why Subway’s footlong subs aren’t 12 inches ~ Men already know the answer to that one.

Arizona Program Helps Latino Parents Navigate School System ~ They can find their way through the vast and unforgiving Sonoran Desert in the dead of a moonless night, but a third-rate educational system apparently poses too great a challenge.

13 Things Your Child’s Teacher Won’t Tell You ~ One, obviously, is that the little turd’s a halfwit, and that he oughtn’t set his vocational aspirations any higher than “seasonal laborer.”

Dolphins Call Each Other By Name ~ Curiously, all dolphins seem to have the same name, “E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E!”

Women mistakenly shot in Calif. manhunt get apology and promise of a new truck ~ Hey, an apology! Most folks unlucky enough find themselves on the receiving end of American federal aggression just get the promises.

“You Had Better Hope They Don’t Find Gold In That Truck, Honey, Or Believe Me–They Will Snatch That Shit Back With A Quickness.”

Is ADHD a phony disorder? ~ Only the part about it being a disorder.

Christopher Dorner: Sparing housekeepers led to undoing ~ Oh my God, that is like Psycho-On-A-Rampage 101, dude! You ALWAYS grease the housekeeper. No exceptions, man.

Sibling fights may lead to depression, self-esteem issues ~ So it’s your fault Jenny can’t get her fat ass off the couch long enough to fill out a job application.

I’d rather hire a foreigner – they ‘push themselves more’ ~ I’d rather hire a local–they ‘converse more easily in English.’

Stop Pretending Disabled People Don’t Commit Crimes ~The annals of criminal history are replete with handi-capable hoodlums like “Palsy” Johnson, Twitchin’ Jimmy Reddenbacher and Mickey the Leper.

Limousine driver dies after striking pedestrian ~ The pedestrian, reporter Clark Kent, was said to be shaken but unharmed following the accident.

You Should Know–He’s Not A Very Nice Guy.

Headlines: In Fact, Yes We Did

10 Thursday Jan 2013

Posted by in Celebrity, Cinema, Crime, Culture, Entertainment, Headlines, History, Music, News, Politics, Science, Sport, Stupidity

≈ 33 Comments

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By Smaktakula

“Yes, Bonnie–Mr. Clinton Is Aware Of Your Article. But The Former President Is A Very Busy Man, And We All Think It’s Best If Maybe You Don’t Call Any More.”

In which we comment on the headlines of the day without bothering to read the articles.

***

Are You Coddling Your Grandkids? ~ If you’re not, then you’re a lousy fucking grandparent.

Survey: Chinese Opinions of Obama, U.S. Slipping ~ That’s got to be paraphrased. We challenge you to find a Chinese person who can correctly pronounce the English word ‘slipping.’

Fighting Boredom, Not the Nazis ~ Sure–it’s a lot less lethal for one thing.

India Is Becoming Pakistan ~ Do you mean that India is only pretending to be a US ally and that portions of its intelligence service are actively working to thwart Western aims? Or did you just mean that it’s crowded and smelly? Because that’s not news.

Why I Married a Black Woman ~ It’s a pretty safe bet that anything we come up with will be countered with a swift and unequivocal “OH NO YOU DI’NT!”

But We Didn’t Say Anything! We Just . . . Aw, We’re Fucked, Aren’t We?

Can Robots Bring Manufacturing Jobs Back? ~ For robots, yes.

Men who weren’t strong as boys are more likely to die young as adults: study ~ So weaker specimens are less likely to survive into adulthood? Has anyone told Charles Darwin about this?

HIV helps put girl’s leukemia in remission ~ Hooray?

NFL retirees more likely to have depression and cognitive problems, brain study … ~ And it’s not because they were sad, boring turds to start out with?

Learn Why Her Husband’s Death Convinced Linda to Retire Early ~ Because the sudden loss at last brought home to her the beautiful fragility of every human life, and taught Linda that to truly be alive, one must truly live. That and the massive insurance payout.

Which Is Why We Refuse To Buy Life Insurance. Our Loved Ones Shouldn’t Be Subjected To That Kind Of Temptation.

Humans Said Cheese 7500 Years Ago ~ According to Dictionary.com, the word appeared sometime around 1000 CE, so somebody’s lying.

Delayed 911 response a matter of geography and jurisdictions ~ Meaning, if you live in the ‘hood, better put some ice on that. It might take a while.

Prosecutors: Redmond man caught on tape raping dogs ~ The perp claims that the sex was consensual, and that when he asked the bitch how she liked it, she said ‘rough.’

Call Girl Culture: High-priced prostitution one of Hollywood’s dirty little secrets ~ Well, that may be news in Mayberry, Sheriff Andy, but it’s hardly a secret to folks who grew up wearing shoes.

Former Pirates owner tells Times he’s gay ~ As if hanging with all those pirates hadn’t clued us in a long time ago.

Even The Cast Of GLEE Playing Tetherball With The Teletubbies While Belting Out Showtunes On The Back Of A Pink Unicorn That’s Prancing Around A Maypole Couldn’t Outgay This Pirate Queen.

Alabama man fights to keep wife buried in front yard ~ Boy howdy! Does he EVER. But that no-good hound-dog of his won’t stop digging up Amy-LaVonne’s corpse and re-burying it down by the crick.

Ellen Degeneres Speaks Out Against “That Time of the Month” Jokes ~ Yikes!–sounds like SOMEBODY’s on the rag.

‘A sad day for people with disabilities’ ~ “But on the other 364 days of the year, I thank God that a Pepsi truck crushed my legs.”

Camp Pendleton works to save species in peril ~ Which was a challenge for the Marines, as what they mostly do is kill things.

The Space Shuttle Endeavour rolls along Crenshaw Drive ~ This just in–Space Shuttle Endeavour is missing!

Insurance Will Take Care Of Everything But Your Deductible, But You Can Forget About The Resale Value.

Teacher: ‘I wanted to be the last thing they heard, not the gunfire’ ~ “And to make sure they heard me over all the racket, I yelled ‘Bang! Bang! Bang!'”

Worried about Lady Gaga’s weight gain? Chill, she isn’t ~ Sorry, we weren’t listening. We were trying to figure out why Kirstie Alley sounds like Lady Gaga all of a sudden.

Mark Hamill weighs in on the future of ‘Star Wars’ — EXCLUSIVE ~ “They said they might let me sweep up around the set!”

Rolling Stones kick off 50th anniversary tour ~ The only thing those testosterone-drenched septuagenarians should be kicking is either a habit or the bucket.

The $250 Halloween treat ~ Cocaine!

Best Avoided: It’s Pretty Pricey, And Worse, Turns You Into An Asshole. Weed, On The Other Hand, Is A Lot Less Likely To Result In A Domestic Abuse Arrest. That’s All We’re Saying.

Headlines 11.29.12

29 Thursday Nov 2012

Posted by in Culture, Entertainment, Headlines, History, News, Politics

≈ 42 Comments

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By Smaktakula

We Admire Your Indefatigability, But It’s Been Almost Twenty-Six Years. He’s Gone.

In which we comment on the headlines of the day without first bothering to read the stories.

***

Money lessons from a lifelong teacher ~ If this guy knew the first thing about money, he would have chosen a more lucrative profession.

When Mommy writes naughty books ~ Mommy is an award-winning writer of erotic fiction. And a whore.

Chef David Viens convicted of killing, cooking wife ~ Most damning, several of the guests complained that Viens’ signature flambé d’Rhonda in white plumb sauce was both insipid and jejune, and moreover, that the chef’s bizarre pairing of a 1992 Mouton was not at all complimentary.

16 Ways Your Trash Could be Your Treasure ~ And 16,000,000 ways it’s not.

14-Year-Old Charged with Killing Newborn Son and Hiding in Shoebox ~ Please be on the lookout for this suspect. He’s armed, dangerous and very, very tiny.

After Being So Ill-Used By The Almighty, It’s Only Natural That Runtiness Should Lead To Evil.

Illinois mom stabs son, little girl 150 times to ‘get back’ at husband: cops ~ What happened to just sleeping with his boss?

A Yiddish ‘Gangnam Style’? ~ Hey now–that’s not kosher.

For Perpetrators and Victims, Suppressing Temptation of College Hazing Rituals ~ What’s the point in belonging to something if just anyone can join? You’ve got to weed out the weaklings, folks.

Steve Jobs Is Not Dead ~ Yeah, but really, he is.

At Cat Video Film Festival, Stars Purr for Close-Ups ~ We go every year. Oh, we’re not into cats so much as we are pathetically lonely ladies in knit sweaters. That and the sweet tang of urine.

Beach Boys break up again — Brian Wilson, 2 others, forced out ~ That makes all the sense of kicking Paul McCartney out of Wings.

We Were Gonna Say ‘Like Kicking Eddie Out Of Van Halen,” But That Doesn’t Really Matter Anymore, Does It?

Storm was cruel to elderly who refused to evacuate ~ Wait–you did say ‘refused,’ right? Sometimes there’s a thin line between cruelty and comedy.

Couple says baby decapitated during delivery ~ So maybe Mom should ease up a little on those Kegel exercises.

Woman who shot boyfriend said she was giving him ‘nose job’: detective ~ Is that a joke? If so, they should let her go. That’s pretty funny.

Boy Accidentally Dropped Tot from Window Trying to Impress Mom, Sources Say ~ Sadly, he only succeeded in making an impression in the sidewalk.

Where are all the millennial feminists? ~ Giving daddy a nice foot-rub.

Gaza crisis: Israel’s Barak calls up army reservists ~ No way! Now Israel has its own Barack? Next thing you know, the French are gonna be trotting out their version, “Baracque.”

The Chinese Will Copy Anything. He’s Ours, Damn It!

How to Have an Orgasm ~ You know, most people figure that one out all by themselves.

Help! My Daughter Is an Introvert ~ The realization can be painful, we know. But with help–and a lot of love–there’s no reason your daughter can’t live a comparatively normal life. Remember, the world needs librarians.

Whale tried to ‘speak’ in human voice ~ It was promptly burned at the stake by horrified townsfolk.

An Overwhelmed Mother’s Departure Memo ~ MEATLOAF IN FRIGE FRIDGE  HEAT ON HI 3 MIN LOVE YOU–HOMEWORK!!!

10 Fun Facts You Didn’t Know About Lesbians ~ Fact #3: About 85% of lesbians say they enjoy eating pizza. 

Cambodia Is Seeking 2nd Statue ~ Ha ha. You’re a poor country.

We Were Led To Believe That They Had Tons Of Statuary. See? History Is Nothing But A Pack Of Filthy Lies!

Ukraine’s Elections: A Unique Kind of Democracy ~ It’s unique in that it isn’t very democratic.

What Would Abraham Lincoln Do? ~ He’d start a fucking Civil War, that’s what he’d do! What–was Jesus busy or something?

Kim Jong-Un is a dictator says his teenage nephew ~ Oh REARRY? Suh-suh-stop the puh-presses, Ben Bradree, kuh-’cause it rooks rike we got ourserves a rittre suh-suh-suh-scoop!

What If Hurricane Sandy Had Slammed Miami? ~ It would go a long way toward alleviating the Social Security crisis.

Navy removes ship’s command after boozy port visit ~ We’re not sure that sends the right message. Perhaps we shouldn’t shatter the mystique of the finest maritime fighting force the world has ever known. If you take away drunkenness, whores and fistfights, it’s just a bunch of dudes on a boat.

“Christ, This Is Lame…Anybody Want To Have Sex?”

Please Don’t Vote Stupid!

04 Sunday Nov 2012

Posted by in Culture, News, Politics, Stupidity

≈ 29 Comments

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By Smaktakula

In The Land Of The Free, It’s Just Something You Have To Do.

With the 2012 Presidential Election at last coming to its ugly and no-doubt contentious conclusion, the American public is eager for the cessation of those unpleasantries attendant with any election year, but which have become especially pronounced in recent years. The most ubiquitous among these are the dizzying array of inescapable political ads which ruin commercial breaks and jam the nation’s mailboxes and inboxes, replete with well-moneyed half-truths and contradictory claims designed to fool the very stupid. No less odious are the half-witted, hyper-strident statements made in public and on social media by partisans of all stripes, armed with questionable facts and subjective statistics culled conveniently from publications which mirror their dogmatically monomaniacal beliefs.

Folks, We Don’t Want You To Get The Idea That You MUST Vote. Particularly If You Aren’t Prepared To Vote Responsibly.

Most insidious of all, however, is a widely held misconception which is quickly gaining an acceptance so entrenched as to render it a bedrock tenet of the American mythology, and unless quickly checked, will continue to fill the hallways of power in Washington with ineffectual partisan functionaries perpetually running for re-election. This misconception most often takes form in the platitude,  ‘It’s vital to our democracy that everyone vote.’  Ignoring for the sake of argument the contention that the United States is a democracy,¹ the idea of voting at all costs, despite your head being firmly entrenched within your nether-regions, is a perfectly horrible notion.

He’s Right When He Says The Last Four Years Aren’t His Fault. They’re Yours.

But the idea takes shape further in the notion that if you don’t vote, you can’t complain, meaning only those who directly participate in the electoral process have a right to express dissatisfaction with the nation’s leadership. This is at best iffy logic in a society where freedom of speech is enshrined more highly than direct representation.  And yet, if we follow this flawed logic, we see that like those who didn’t bother to vote, those who voted for the winning candidate have also forfeited their right to complain. In fact, the only people with a right to complain are those who voted for the other guy.

The Great Thing About Mitt Romney Is That He Offers Choice–There Are Like 13 Different Versions Of The Man–You Can Vote For The One You Find Least Offensive.

***

They Told Her It Said “SLUT.”

By All Means, Take Your Political Advice From A Dude Who Can’t Decide Which Ridiculous Name To Call Himself From One Week To The Next.

You Still Think It’s Important For ‘Everyone’ To Vote?

Because It Feels So Good To Pretend To Know What You’re Talking About.

“24-Inch Pythons” Won’t Help You Vote Responsibly.

“They Voted Me In.”

***

¹In fact it is not.  The United States of America is, and always has been, a democratic republic.  We refer to the United States as a democracy because it’s easier, and because Americans are just a little bit stupid. ∞T.

Headlines 11.02.12

02 Friday Nov 2012

Posted by in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, Entertainment, Headlines, News, Politics, Sport, Stupidity

≈ 21 Comments

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By Smaktakula

Yeah, That’s Pretty Damn Easy For You To Say, But Real People Are Affected By This Tragedy. For One Thing, The Guy Who Lives There Owes Us $13.75!

In which we showcase our unparalleled knack for expounding authoritatively upon a broad range of topics about which we remain not only ignorant, but deliberately so.

We lose interest after the headlines.

***

Deaf dolphin rescued in La. will get new home in Miss.  ~ It appears to be the result of a misdiagnosis. Veterinarians originally classified the hearing-impaired cetacean as “retarded,” and Mississippi just seemed the obvious choice.

Waiting till the wedding night – getting married the right way ~ Absolutely. ‘Cause every young man dreams of someday spending his wedding night asking “What does this button do?”

Tigers’ pain: Omar Infante’s wrist broken; so is Alex Avila’s heart ~ Hopefully they’ll be distracted bu the knowledge that in meekly allowing the San Francisco Giants to figuratively bugger them in the course of sweeping the 2012 World Series they have not only brought further shame to an already ignominious and blighted city, but wounded the venerable heart of baseball itself.

Do Pigs Intentionally Kill People? ~ The Revolution’s gonna change all that, Brothas!

Meat Loaf endorses Romney in Ohio ~ Meanwhile, the Obama campaign was buoyed by an endorsement from Casserole. Spinach Salad is expected to back the Green Party candidate again this year.

Are Sexy Halloween Costumes Over? ~ They are for you, Grandma. Grow some dignity.

You Go Ahead And Be Mad At Us All You Want; We’re Doing What We Think Is Right. When Get Your Stomach Under Control We Think You’ll Agree That There Are People Out There Who Desperately Need To See This.

Ashton Kutcher: TV’s highest-paid actor ~ Friends, it’s not for nothing that they call it the ‘idiot box.’

Analysis: Why Both Romney and Obama Campaigns Say They’re Winning ~ Because they’re politicians and they’re accustomed to spouting deliberate falsehoods since they know that about 50% of the electorate will make the conscious decision to buy into the line despite a staggering collection of evidence to the contrary. They don’t really even have to try any more.

Sex researcher’s son charged with exposing self ~“Um…it was for research?”

Eschewing the narrative conventions of the graphic novel ~ Let’s seek some perspective here–you’re talking about comic books. If you absolutely must fancify ’em, we favor the term ‘illiterature.’

Obama’s Prep Session Goal: Don’t Repeat Mistakes of Last Debate ~ “Don’t…Repeat… Same Mistakes…From…Last Time–got it. Hey, that’s pretty smart! I hope we’re paying you a lot of money.”

The Trouble with My Daughter’s DNA ~ “Well, the trouble isn’t so much with your daughter’s DNA, sir; no, her DNA is fine. It’s just that…well, that the…Christ, Mr. Johnson–this is really a conversation you ought to be having with your wife right now.”

We Used To Think That Someday This Might Be Our Future. But Life Swiftly Taught Us That Such Merry Dreams Were Never Meant For The Likes Of Us.

Geneva devastated by monster tsunami, millions at risk ~ You know that’s in Switzerland, right?

What Do Birds Do During a Hurricane? ~ Disintegrate in a spectacular burst of blood, bone and feathers. It’s quite beautiful in its way.

Surfer killed in shark attack died ‘doing something he loved’ ~ It’s true. Mikey often said that his favorite thing in the world was to scream at the top of his lungs while gargling a mouthful of bloody seawater.

Obama’s Best-Kept Secrets ~ Well, not many people seem to know that he smokes Marlboro Reds.¹

Ask Larry: What Do I Do if My Ex Never Paid My Social Security Tax? ~You’re gonna need to get real pretty, real fast or else learn to like the taste of dog food. And while it’s on our mind, who the hell asks a dude named ‘Larry’ about anything other than where’s the best place to buy illegal  fireworks?

Dallas Braden says what everybody thinks about left-handed pitchers ~ They’re all secretly gay. You didn’t know that?

Does It Pay to Become a Teacher? ~ If by ‘pay’ you mean money–then no.

On The Plus Side The Benefits Are Great, You Get Lots Of Time Off, And Nobody Cares If You’re Competent So Long As You Don’t Diddle The 8th Graders.

6-year-old ‘Mrs. Bieber’ loses cancer battle ~ Sadly, she succumbed before she was able to testify, leaving Justin Bieber free to marry a whole kindergarten if he wants to.

Columbian ‘Devil’ baby may actually be victim of abuse, say police. ~ “Or…hold on, now… or what if that’s JUST the kind of story a Colombian Devil Baby would tell to send us all off on a wild goose chase? Gentlemen, I’m beginning to think we’re up against a master tactician.”

North Korean army minister ‘executed with mortar round’ ~ That’s fucking crazy! They’ve still got it, folks.

Video games can fight obesity?  ~ Yeah, just keep telling yourself that, fatty.

Could Obama Become the Next FDR? ~ Listen, you can disagree with the man all you want, but you cross a line when you publicly wish crippling polio on the President of the United States. Not cool, dude.

In Sandy’s wake, can Jersey Shore be saved? ~ CAN it be saved? As in, ‘Is saving the Jersey Shore something we have the ability to do?’ That’s not the question we should be asking ourselves right now, and we think you know it. Go ahead–just say what we’re all thinking.

Dear Garden State Friends, Our Hearts Go Out To…Hold On, Pal…WHAT?…WHAT?…NO, I’M TALKING TO MY FUCKING FRIEND RIGHT NOW, ASSHOLE!…Sorry–Our Hearts Go…Hold On…YEAH, THAT’S WHAT I SAID–YOU HEARD ME SAY IT JUST NOW, RIGHT? WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO, BRO?–Hey Pal, This Might Take A…I’M TALKING TO MY FUCKING FRIEND HERE, OKAY YOU PIECE OF SHIT?”

Help! My Sister Is Being Slut-Shamed by Her Fiancé’s Family. ~ Well, if you wanted to help out a little bit on your end, maybe you could think of a term for it with not so much “slut” and just a tad less “shame.” Hussyrassment? HOranguing? Tramp-Dampening? Whatever you call it, you’re a shitty sister.

‘What’s the Matter With White People?’ ~ Well, they dance like assholes for one thing.

VP debates can kill political careers ~ Just being VP can do that.

Activist floats idea of memorial for fish killed in Irvine crash ~ See folks? Homosexuality is not a prerequisite for being a massive gaywad.

7 Lame Things That Turned Awesome When I Became a Parent ~ 7,000,000 awesome people who turned lame when they became parents.

Biden, President Clinton double team on Romney ~ This will likely build some much-needed bridges between Republicans and Democrats. You just can’t look at a guy the same way after you’ve felt his stubbly chin nestled between your shoulder-blades.

Two Powerful, Driven, Beautiful Men. Fate Made Them Enemies. Love Made Them Something More. Oooh, We’re Getting Goosebumps Just Thinking About It.

¹ In fairness, the president “claims” to have quit in 2011. Why the snarky quotes? Because as a former smoker myself, I know how very hard it can be to wrest oneself from the grip of that pernicious addiction. It’s enough of a chore even without the prospect of a soul-taxing marathon slugfest to avoid the historical ignominy of being a one-termer in what looks to be the closest election since 1960. The FUCK he quit smoking. ∞ T.

Headlines 10.26.12

26 Friday Oct 2012

Posted by in Crime, Culture, News, Politics, Sport, Stupidity

≈ 22 Comments

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By Smaktakula

Sure, It Sounds Noble. But What Message Are We Sending About Using Violence To Solve Problems?

In Which We Comment On The Day’s Headlines

Without Bothering To Read The Articles

***

Resort’s Snow Won’t Be Pure This Year; It’ll Be Sewage ~ Well, that stinks!

Cops fatally shoot suspect wanted for impregnating 11-year-old ~ The tragedy is that a child was robbed of its father. We mean the as-yet-unborn child, not the one the guy knocked up.

Players on contending teams have more fun ~ Which flies in the face of the widely held belief that being a loser is the fucking bee’s knees.

Obama: Jay-Z ‘knows what my life is like’ ~ At first we were gonna scoff. We reconsidered when we realized that President Obama has thus far avoided the sexual pitfalls that marred Bill Clinton’s time in office. Like the man said, “I got 99 problems, but a bitch ain’t one.”

Swarm of wasps attack preschoolers ~ Some headlines are funny without our help.

If This Doesn’t Bring A Smile To Your Face, You Have No Soul.

I Was a Welfare Mother ~ And I’m pretty sure you’re the father of at least two of my kids.¹

Man drags great white shark into ocean ~ You fool! You’re going the wrong way!

More details emerge on US ambassador’s last moments ~ It turns out they were the worst moments of his entire life.

Teen accused of killing Texas county official found dead ~ Folks, how many times must it be said? Don’t Mess With Texas.

German thalidomide maker Gruenenthal issues apology ~ “However, on behalf of zee Tcherman people, I vould like to add zat zis iss hardly zee vurst tsing vee haff done.”

The Krauts: So Much To Answer For.

Does the morning after pill induce abortions? ~ If it doesn’t, we want our fucking money back. Seriously, we’re gonna need that cash.

Minneapolis workplace shooter lost job hours before rampage ~ So in a waaaaaaay, it’s Obama’s fault.

Woman Faces Harsh Reality From Butt Injections ~ It’s really only that first butt injection that takes your breath away; it gets easier after that. Who knows? You might even learn to like it.

Kings of Leon bassist Jared Followill marries model ~ The semi-retarded pleasure-bot will be known simply as “Mrs. Followill” until such time as she needs a name.

Romney Deflates the President ~ So in a way, he’s kind of a prick.

When Your Opponent Is The 21st Century’s Jimmy Carter, And The Best You Can Manage Is To Pull Even With Him, It’s Clear That You’re No Ronald Reagan.

Study: Bull sharks have strongest bite ~ Yeah, we’ll believe that when we see it. They’re called ‘bull’ sharks for a reason.

Iran Felicitates Vietnam on National Day ~ Doesn’t that mean, like, to give someone a blow job?

Giants seek to beat Cards at own game ~ The game of baseball, you mean?

Raising Successful Children ~ There are as many theories of child-rearing as there are parents. Our method involves sharp rebukes and extended periods of isolation when the children speak without first being addressed by an adult. Hey, if we can get ’em to shut up for five minutes, we call that a success.

‘Because of you, I trust no one’ ~ Then there’s no more we can teach you.

“It’s Bad Enough You Made Me Believe He Was Real, But Then When I Confronted You About It, You Doubled-Down On The Lie And Tried To Feed Me That ‘Yes, Virginia, There Is A Santa Claus’ Bullshit! You Never Loved Me!”

For Young Jews, a Service Says, ‘Please, Do Text’ ~ Then comes the guilt!

Los Angeles mayor wants ID card for immigrants ~ It’s only fair that they should have something to not have to show when it’s time for them to vote.

How Men Work, When It Comes to Sex ~ Man, that’s the only reason we work at all! You see, the likelihood of you putting out increases along with our bank balance.

Girl shot with Malala: Memory of attack ‘still in my head’ ~ Also, the bullet.

10 Signs Your Employees Are Having an Office Romance ~ They’re humping on your desk as you read this.

“David, Did You Put That Tickler In Vickie’s Inbox?” The Potential For Inappropriate Innuendo Is Staggering.

Bonus! Because you’re so sweet, here’s a twofer:

Rabbits ravage seabird populations on Destruction Island ~ Unless you’re a field of dandelions, you’ve got no business being ‘ravaged’ by rabbits. We’re thinking that maybe God didn’t intend that these birds should live.

Rabbits ravage seabird populations on Destruction Island ~ Given what they named the place, we have to imagine this isn’t the first time that’s happened.

¹For a slightly more nuanced and sensitive take on the “Welfare” article, click here. ∞ T.

Headlines 10.16.12

16 Tuesday Oct 2012

Posted by in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, Entertainment, Music, News, Stupidity

≈ 35 Comments

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By Smaktakula

Look, We Tried, But She Refused To Take It Seriously. She Kept Wanting To Play Charades.

 

In Which We Comment On The Headlines Without Bothering To Read The Articles

***

9 Reasons Why Being a Mom Qualifies You to Work in a Brothel ~ Well, obviously, you’re no stranger to cock. Let’s just get that one out of the way right now.

Egyptian President Morsi Rejects Previous Limits on Presidential Power ~ And if the rule of Hosni Mubarak taught us anything, it’s that those limits weren’t all that stringent to begin with.

Chelsea Clinton Exited Wall Street for More Meaning ~ Meaning an eventual run for office.

‎A Worksheet for Math-Phobic Parents ~ Don’t worry–it can be filled out in crayon. Just make your X when you’re through.

Elementary School Beauty Pageant Canceled Over Controversial Flyer Sent Home With Students ~ It was because of the flyer, though? And not ’cause it was a shitty idea to start out with?

Because Sexualizing Children Boosts Their Self-Esteem!

Apple cider prices on the rise ~ Golly! Whatever shall we serve our guests at this year’s Autumn Cotillion? 

Oorah! Marines around the world ~ Killin’ folks.

Gloria Allred — Barack Obama Says I’m One of the BEST Lawyers in America ~ Listen, Gloria–the man didn’t get to be president by telling people things they DIDN’T want to hear.

Neb. wildfires grow with help of strong winds ~ They burned clear through to St. Louis before anyone noticed.

Paul Ryan speech emphasizes ‘there’s no going back’ if Obama wins ~ Okay, normally we’re skeptical regarding allegations of covert racism, but EVERYBODY knows that ‘no going back’ means ‘black.’

Keeping It Clean at Burning Man ~ No easy task with all those filthy hippies running around.

With No Running Water, Improper Sanitation And Those People, It’s A Safe Bet Everything Smells A Little Bit Like Baked Crotch.

How to Stop Hospitals From Killing Us ~ We’ve gotta go with the Bush Doctrine: Kill them before they have a chance to kill us.

Remember Afghanistan? ~ It might be a little easier to forget if we weren’t still there.

Joy Behar: Honey Boo Boo will ‘grow up to be a big fat woman’ ~ Holy cow, Nostradamus! Yours is a very rare and precious gift–use it wisely.

Here’s Why Justin Bieber Likes to Prank People All the Time ~ ‘Cause he’s a little douche.

Cancer death rates predicted to drop 17% by 2030 ~ Suh-Wheet! That’s just about the time we’ll find ourselves in the “Red Zone.”

Kim Kardashian — Black Baby ~ Las Vegas oddsmakers have it at 3:2 currently.

Wait–Isn’t She The One Who Likes To Get Peed On? Shit. We Just Hope The Baby’s Mammalian.

Infants Left Home Alone Are Fine But Their Mom & Aunt Feared Dead ~ Well, we can guarantee that Mom & Aunt Patty have abandoned their last child.

T.I. Helps Save ‘Creed’ Frontman’s Life ~ Well, why the hell did he do a thing like that?

Piracy ‘boosts economy’ in Somalia ~ That’s because piracy ‘is the economy’ in Somalia.

Home improvement sales going through the roof ~ Well, just the money spent on roofing materials alone…

Mow Yard. Drop Off Kids. Take a Drive on Mars. ~ Check in at a reputable mental health facility.

Why is the Arab world so easily offended? ~ The reasons are multifaceted and heavily nuanced, but we can assure you that it’s not because they’re whiny little bitches.

No, We Said It WASN’T Because Of That!

Has Obama made the planet greener? Al Gore says ‘no’ ~ You must first understand, however, that anybody who actually gets to be president makes Al Gore pretty green.

Newborn giant panda cub dies at the National Zoo ~ Can war with China be far behind?

LA to consider multi-use library cards for illegal immigrants ~ Sure, why not?–it seems kinda pointless to deny them anything at this stage in the game. Well, we might as well tell them where we keep the good liquor.

Rihanna’s ‘Diamonds’ Single Art Will Make You Feel Insecure About Your Weed ~ Well, fuck her then!

5 Signs You Already Have Early Stage Alzheimer’s ~ Because Taft was simply a better president, damn it!

“No, If You Say You’re My Son, I Believe You. It’s Just That I Figured You’d Be Better Looking.”