By Smaktakula

Jacoby Laquan Smith Has Taken Douchebaggery To Exciting New Heights.

Perhaps only pedophiles garner more societal opprobrium in contemporary society than do violent and abusive men.  However, in perpetrating domestic violence against his girlfriend Tiesha Bell, Jacoby Laquan Smith has leapfrogged the OJs, Ike Turners and Andy Capps to take his rightful place among the all-time greats of in-home thuggery.

The catalyst for the sickening violence came when Bell allegedly blocked Smith’s view of the television.  The ensuing police report depicts a paroxysm off punches, thrown urine and ‘nub-choking’ in which both parties accused the other of domestic violence.  However, in weighing the opposing claims, police have come to discount Smith’s account of violence at the ‘hands’ of his girlfriend, as Bell is a quadruple amputee.

To Be Fair, It Was A Pretty Small TV.

But Smith says that appearances can be deceiving, claiming that the human hockey puck began the affray when she hurled a bedpan of urine at Smith and tried to choke him “with her nubs.”  It was only then, claims the stump fetishist, that he was forced to punch Bell in the face over ten times.

Now, facing domestic abuse charges and the wrath of an entire nation, Smith has added new details to his story.  Sticking to his claim of victimhood, he adds a further detail: Not only did the truncated lovelump attack him, but to add insult to injury, she’s been cheating on him.

Look, I Know He's Slimy, Okay? But I Really Feel Like He Gets Where I'm Coming From.