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Tag Archives: domestic violence

When Love Chokes You With Its Nubs

08 Wednesday Jun 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture, News, Stupidity

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Andy Capp, assholes, bad boyfriends, domestic abuse, domestic violence, douchebaggery, Ike Turner, Jacoby Laquan Smith, jerks, nub-choking, nubs, OJ Simpson, quadruple-amputee, Slimer, Tiesha Bell

By Smaktakula

Jacoby Laquan Smith Has Taken Douchebaggery To Exciting New Heights.

Perhaps only pedophiles garner more societal opprobrium in contemporary society than do violent and abusive men.  However, in perpetrating domestic violence against his girlfriend Tiesha Bell, Jacoby Laquan Smith has leapfrogged the OJs, Ike Turners and Andy Capps to take his rightful place among the all-time greats of in-home thuggery.

The catalyst for the sickening violence came when Bell allegedly blocked Smith’s view of the television.  The ensuing police report depicts a paroxysm off punches, thrown urine and ‘nub-choking’ in which both parties accused the other of domestic violence.  However, in weighing the opposing claims, police have come to discount Smith’s account of violence at the ‘hands’ of his girlfriend, as Bell is a quadruple amputee.

To Be Fair, It Was A Pretty Small TV.

But Smith says that appearances can be deceiving, claiming that the human hockey puck began the affray when she hurled a bedpan of urine at Smith and tried to choke him “with her nubs.”  It was only then, claims the stump fetishist, that he was forced to punch Bell in the face over ten times.

Now, facing domestic abuse charges and the wrath of an entire nation, Smith has added new details to his story.  Sticking to his claim of victimhood, he adds a further detail: Not only did the truncated lovelump attack him, but to add insult to injury, she’s been cheating on him.

Look, I Know He's Slimy, Okay? But I Really Feel Like He Gets Where I'm Coming From.

Michael Lohan: Bad Father, Even Badder Boyfriend

23 Wednesday Mar 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, News, Stupidity

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

bad parents, Celebrity Rehab, cradle robbers, Dina Lohan, Dino Flintstone, domestic violence, famous for nothing, gold digger, Lindsay Lohan's father, Michael Lohan, Michael Lohan is a turd with eyes, MiLo, untalented stars

By Smaktakula

Get Your Facts Straight: MiLo Doesn't Enjoy Hitting Women. It's Just Necessary For His Sense Of Self-Worth.

It’s hard to find many people who pity slimy CelebriMom Dina Lohan, but Kate Major can now count herself among that select few.  Until just a few days ago, Major shared a bed with Lohan’s troubled ex-husband, the cretinous Michael ‘MiLo’ Lohan.  The fairytale May-December romance came to a crashing end when Lohan got violent.

Apparently, the cradle-robbing cretin escaped free from Celebrity Rehab compound  (where Lohan’s presence strains the definition of the word ‘Celebrity’) before finding the terrified Major with a female friend.  Here the accounts of MiLo’s rampage grow fuzzy.  Although most reports list Major as being on the receiving end of MiLo’s self-loathing rage, a few list Major’s friend as the victim.  Not in dispute is this: Michael Lohan hits women.

Dino Flintstone

Dino Lohan Claims That Being Married To MiLo Is Like Living With A Neanderthal.

MiLo cries foul at these accusations, and in a sadly unsurprising move, accuses the much smaller Major of being violent toward him.  Chasing this dubious tactic to its inevitable extreme, the dirty old man contends that the bruises Major has been sporting lately have been the product of makeup, and not MiLo’s fists. MiLo was so upset upon his arrest that he began to have chest pains, and spent the night in Cedar-Sinai under the watchful eye of an on-duty police officer.

Upon hearing the news, Major was less than sympathetic:  “The heart issues get old and he’s obviously strong enough to hit a woman but not a man. Everything he said is a lie or a vindictive threat.”

Kate Major, Michael Lohan

MiLo's Holding Her Mother Hostage. That's The Only Possible Explanation.

Despite the threat of several felonies, Lohan will be charged only with a misdemeanor, proving once again that justice loves a scumbag.  Although this will enable MiLo to get back to hitting women much more quickly than anticipated, don’t expect to see Kate Major helping him bolster his fragile sense of self-esteem– It looks like MiLo will have to find another girl to knock around. Of her despicable Ex, Major says,  “I wish he’d shut up and go to jail.”

MiLo Is Hoping His Next Girlfriend Isn't So Damn Lippy.

Sheen’s Latest Rampage Results In Institutionalization

28 Thursday Oct 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, News

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

anger issues, Charlie Sheen, Charlie Sheen is a drugged-out wifebeater, Charlie Sheen Will Never Escape The Brat Pack's Terrible Event Horizon, Charlie's 'O' face, cocaine, domestic abuse, domestic violence, drugs, hysterical screaming, overpaid performers, porn stars, psychological evaluation, substance abuse, untalented stars

By Smaktakula

Sheen's Latest Escapade Reportedly Involves A Naked Porn Star And Quite A Bit Of Screaming.

Charlie Sheen’s tenuous hold on sanity took another hit recently after a bizarre hotel incident found the notorious wife-beater institutionalized and forced to undergo a psychological evaluation.  Until this incident, Sheen’s most recent confinement had been an August rehab stint prompted by yet another domestic abuse accusation.

Sheen's Behavior Is Becoming Increasingly Erratic. Lately Sheen Has Claimed To Be 'Southside Pete,' A Tough-As-Nails Vietnam Vet Trying To Find His Way In A Country That Never Welcomed Him Back.

Although details are slowly emerging, Sheen’s latest cry for help is shrouded in mystery.  Like most of Sheen’s crimes, a woman is involved.  Surprisingly, she does not appear to have been the victim of any physical violence.  However, various accounts detail several recurring themes from the actor’s oeuvre: a hotel room, cocaine, booze, a naked skank, an improbable explanation and a delusional, screaming Sheen.

The Actor's Slow Descent Into Debauched Madness Used To Be Funny. It's Still Just As Funny, But Now Rather Sad, Too.

If Sheen’s increasingly irrational behavior hasn’t yet been a wake-up call for the studio enablers who have made him the highest paid actor on television, perhaps this latest episode will convey the message  that unless someone acts quickly and decisively, they’ll be left with One and a half Men.

Don't Be Alarmed. This Is Just Charlie's 'O' Face.

Things Worth Hoping For: Bert and Ernie

26 Thursday Aug 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Critters, Culture, General Foolishness, Hollywood, Humor, People, Relationships, Television

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Tags

Bert, Bert & Ernie, Bert is the man, celebrity breakups, Celebrity Death Watch, celebrity deaths, domestic violence, Ernie, firearm-related homicides, good manners, muppet-on-muppet violence, murder, proper behavior, Sesame Street, spousal abuse, the love which dare not speak its name

By Smaktakula

Even love has its limits.  How much longer can Bert endure Ernie’s unending cavalcade of tedious bullshit?   

Because Playing The Drums At 2 AM When Your Lover Is Trying To Sleep Is Very Rude, Ernie. Very, Very Rude.

Did I Do That?: When Urkels Attack

23 Monday Aug 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, News

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Tags

"Did I do that?", anger management, breast implants, Bridget Hardy, broken toilets, Charlie Sheen, domestic violence, dorks, douchebaggery, Family Matters, former child stars, geeks, has-been, infidelity, Jaleel White, Jerkel, nerds, spazzes, spousal abuse, Trivial Pursuit, untalented stars, Urkel, weirdos, Where Are They Now?

By Smaktakula

In a classy move right out of the Sheen Playbook, Trivial Pursuit answer Jaleel ‘Urkel’ White is accused of beating the mother of his child.  Bridget Hardy, white’s ex-girlfriend, alleges that the former child star punched her in one of her breast implants and later shoved her into a toilet hard enough to break it, as well as engaging in other violent and threatening activities.

Jerkel: The Has-Been Became Enraged And Accused Hardy Of Infidelity When It Was Revealed That Her Child Was Good Looking And Not At All Socially Awkward.

Tell Facebook What This Also-Ran Has Been Up To

Colorado No Longer Among The Minority Of States Where Charlie Sheen Has No Criminal Record

20 Friday Aug 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Cinema, Crime, Culture, News

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

addiction, alcohol, Carlos Irwin Estevez, Charlie Sheen, Charlie Sheen is a drugged-out wifebeater, Charlie Sheen Will Never Escape The Brat Pack's Terrible Event Horizon, Colorado, domestic violence, douchebaggery, drug addiction, drugs, jackassery, laugh track, Look Who's Talking?, Max Headroom, Pauly Shore, rehab, substance abuse, tabloid headline, Three Men and a Baby, untalented stars, White Power

By Smaktakula

Cretinous tabloid headline Charlie Sheen is heading back to rehab at the court’s insistence.  Sheen is to spend thirty days at a rehabilitation facility, followed by thirty days of probation.  This makes it a full sixty days before he can go on a bender or backhand the woman he loves without automatically going back to jail.

Jenny Was Playing So Well, Too. It Was Such A Shame That She Had To Hit Herself In The Face With Her Racquet Five Times.

For a brief moment in the late 1980s and early 1990s, Sheen was thought to be on the verge of movie stardom.  This becomes somewhat more understandable when it is remembered that the same era gave us the Look Who’s Talking? and Three Men And A Baby franchises, Max Headroom and funnyman Pauly Shore.

Sheen is reportedly eager to serve out his time and get clean.  Following that, it’s expected he’ll return to doing what he does best: intoning shitty material that wouldn’t even be recognizable as an attempt at humor without the Pavlovian laugh track to squeeze some chuckles from the mouth-breathing audience.

His best shot at continued success is to stick to a simple formula: Don’t hit the bottle, don’t hit the wife.

Sheen, Seen Here At A White Power Rally, Has Shed Every Last Vestige Of The Human Being Named Carlos Estevez.

Happy Thoughts For Friday: Be Glad You’re Not This Guy

16 Friday Jul 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, General Foolishness, Health, History, Justice, National Events, People, Relationships, Scandal

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

abusive asshole, alcohol abuse, asshat, divorce, domestic violence, famous for nothing, happy thoughts, irony, John Wayne Bobbitt, Lorena Gallo Bobbitt, severed penis, spousal abuse

By Smaktakula

Abusive inebriate John Wayne Bobbitt was such a cock-knocker that in 1993 his wife Lorena severed half his penis, hurling the bloody nugget into a field.  

The missing member was recovered after an exhaustive search, and the cock (by which we mean the ironically-named Bobbitt) made whole.          

Sadly, the couple divorced in 1995.         

Not Only Did JWB Lose Sensation In His Penis, But Also Any Notion Of Dignity.

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