Tag Archives: comb-overs

Let’s Try Hating Someone New

22 Wednesday Aug 2012

Posted by in Crime, Culture, Politics, Religion

≈ 25 Comments

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By Smaktakula

Please. That Is SO 1998.

Humanity is no stranger to hate. Throughout its long and bloody history, Homo sapiens has always managed to find a worthwhile reason not just to oppose another group’s political and social agenda, but to despise and fear the individuals who comprise the group. For every enmity there is an excuse–politics, the Indian-Pakistani conflict over Kashmir; sexual identity, as in various parts of Africa or North Korea where homosexuality is too greatly feared as an abstract concept to even be acknowledged; religion, such as the recent attempts by Islamists to slaughter heretics and infidels worldwide to prepare for the coming of the New Caliphate; and so many, many more.

You Wouldn’t Be The First To Try. However, They’re Surprisingly Resilient.

However, instead of hating gays, black people or what-have-you, what if we came up with an entirely new group of people to fear and mistrust–one previously tolerated by society? The members of the newly-despised group would necessarily have to represent a smallish selection of the overall population–hating on a majority population is ultimately counterproductive (see South Africa, Apartheid and). Ideally, the new group of disadvantaged citizens would be made promptly aware of their denigrated status, so that they could appreciate the inevitable hate-crimes perpetrated against them, and not believe them to be random acts of violence.

No, This Is MY Lawn, And It Isn’t Going To Mow Itself.

We’d like to suggest a few exciting possibilities for the new object of societal derision, each of which should be perfectly suitable. A great place to start is with groups displaying interests or tastes outside the societal norm, like beekeepers, guys with comb-overs or fans of Rascal Flatts. Disparaging any or all of these groups will add more panels to the ever-growing quilt that is contemporary bigotry.

We Understand That Most Of These ‘People’ Are Born With Vestigial Tails.

Even if soon-to-be-vilified group has yet to be determined, Promethean Times has already devised a great new epithet for the eventual choice: Digleroes (singular, Diglero). Try this:  Just look at those fucking digleroes. Ever since they moved into the neighborhood, everything stinks like honey.

What A Fucking Diglero.

Look, we’re not bigoted, it’s just that we’ve got OUR neighborhoods, and the digs have THEIR neighborhoods.  ∞ T.

The Comb-Over

04 Wednesday Apr 2012

Posted by in Culture, Stupidity

≈ 16 Comments

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By Smaktakula

True, The Bitches Love This Guy No Matter How He Wears His Hair. You, However, Aren't So Lucky.

Having shitty hair at some point in your life is a cherished rite of passage. Almost everyone has been the victim of a bad haircut (Smaktakula’s freshman-year experience with the butchers at SuperCuts earned him the delightful nicknames ‘Baby Huey’ and Q-Tip for a time), and just as many have intentionally made themselves the laughingstock of the next generation all for the sake of passing fashion. We understand–sometimes it seems as if your fauxhawk will remain forever timeless.

FUCK SUPERCUTS!

There are also much less forgivable examples of follicle faux pas, like the mullet, dreads for blond dudes or straight hair on black men. It becomes far more difficult to regard these fashion sins as harmless affectations when–unlike the hightop, beehive or perms for white ladies, which have thankfully gone the way of the dodo–these hair-don’ts cling tenaciously to life despite the transient nature of fashion. Although we have heretofore not highlighted this cancer of men’s fashion, the comb-over remains every bit as insidious as any other scissor-inspired abortion.

Or, Why Not Paste Your Naked Scalp With The Dark, Viscous Snot Of An Emphysema Patient? Same Effect.

The hairstyle’s complete unsuitability to the modern age is no less glaring than the glossy skull ‘hidden’ beneath a stringy swatch of greasy strands. We remind bald men that if they truly want to look like assholes, there are many ways to do it that don’t also involve looking like a twitchy child molester. It will take just one good gust of wind to rip that wispy growth from your oily pate, the lank locks left flapping in the wind like the tail of a kite, revealing not only the wearer’s unpleasantly asymmetrical baldness but also his dishonesty.

For Those Dudes Whose Male-Pattern Baldness Thwarts Their Efforts To Grow A Mullet--We Proudly Present 'The Skullet.'

Happily, as men rediscover the knack of pretending to embrace their receding hairlines and hairless spots by shaving themselves bald,¹ the comb-over seems to be gradually fading away. New scientific innovations in transplant procedures as well as topical hair-growth ointments have joined forces with a rising acceptance of baldness to edge the comb-over toward oblivion. But like polio, this icky, deceptive hairstyle is still with us, and until it is nothing but a bad memory, the danger of looking like a complete asshole is still very real.

No, No--By All Means Keep It. Not Only Does It Cleverly Disguise Your Baldness, But Your Uncanny Resemblance To A Cockatoo Helps People Forget That You're Actually A Turd.

¹Shorter gentlemen (5’9 and under) may additionally wish to grow a goatee. ∞ T.