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Lindsay Lohan’s escapades have led to a warrant for her arrest, and cast doubt upon the fate of the former child star’s latest comeback vehicle, Inferno. The warrant comes as a response to the Flower of American Skankhood’s most recent parole violations, testing positive for both cocaine and amphetamines.
This unwelcome news comes as a surprise to most LiLophiles, are said to have feared Lohan might at most test positive for either cocaine or amphetamines, but not both.
“As a worst case scenario,” says Dr. Emil Haagerdäddi, curator of Branson’s Musee d’Lohan, “I thought perhaps it would be cocaine and Dimeatapp, or amphetamines and nutmeg. But this? No one expected this.”
Initial reports said that the producers of Inferno, a biopic about 70’s porn pioneer Linda Lovelace, were “beyond irritated” at Lohan’s latest arrest. According to producer Chris Hanley, nothing could be further from the truth. “We do believe that Lindsay’s talent does weigh very heavily in the matter,” Hanley said.
Promethean Times agrees. Although Lohan’s acting gifts are at best pedestrian, it is difficult to imagine this role being played by any other actress. Who is better suited than Lindsay Lohan to portray a drug addled and morally bankrupt would-be starlet who peaked too early in life, and would forever after be remembered only for her sausage smuggling skills?