Baby Huey, comb-overs, Donald Trump, fauxhawks, foolish choices, mullets, skullets, straight hair
Having shitty hair at some point in your life is a cherished rite of passage. Almost everyone has been the victim of a bad haircut (Smaktakula’s freshman-year experience with the butchers at SuperCuts earned him the delightful nicknames ‘Baby Huey’ and Q-Tip for a time), and just as many have intentionally made themselves the laughingstock of the next generation all for the sake of passing fashion. We understand–sometimes it seems as if your fauxhawk will remain forever timeless.
There are also much less forgivable examples of follicle faux pas, like the mullet, dreads for blond dudes or straight hair on black men. It becomes far more difficult to regard these fashion sins as harmless affectations when–unlike the hightop, beehive or perms for white ladies, which have thankfully gone the way of the dodo–these hair-don’ts cling tenaciously to life despite the transient nature of fashion. Although we have heretofore not highlighted this cancer of men’s fashion, the comb-over remains every bit as insidious as any other scissor-inspired abortion.
The hairstyle’s complete unsuitability to the modern age is no less glaring than the glossy skull ‘hidden’ beneath a stringy swatch of greasy strands. We remind bald men that if they truly want to look like assholes, there are many ways to do it that don’t also involve looking like a twitchy child molester. It will take just one good gust of wind to rip that wispy growth from your oily pate, the lank locks left flapping in the wind like the tail of a kite, revealing not only the wearer’s unpleasantly asymmetrical baldness but also his dishonesty.
Happily, as men rediscover the knack of pretending to embrace their receding hairlines and hairless spots by shaving themselves bald,¹ the comb-over seems to be gradually fading away. New scientific innovations in transplant procedures as well as topical hair-growth ointments have joined forces with a rising acceptance of baldness to edge the comb-over toward oblivion. But like polio, this icky, deceptive hairstyle is still with us, and until it is nothing but a bad memory, the danger of looking like a complete asshole is still very real.
If you’re going to do the comb over, why not just buy a rug? And dontcha think The Donald could afford that Bosley Hair Replacement thing that supposedly fits “almost every budget?”
What’s even worse than men with comb overs is women with visible roots. There is no shame in using hair color- if it weren’t for Nice-n’-Easy #124 my hair would be white by now- but you have to touch up and re-do from time to time!
Nodding in agreement to everything. Including the cockatoo and the turd. In fact, they may as well put a turd on their pates. Couldn’t look any worse.
You are funny.
Et vous êtes très drôle aussi. It’s wonderful to have a French clown on which to lavish my deteriorating French. Unless you aren’t who you really say you are…
C’est une bonne question. Je pense depuis un petit bout de temps à écrire un billet en français, mais je perdrais tous mes lecteurs…
Funny enough, I pondered such a prank on Fool’s Day…
Okay, let’s see how good my French is, especially for that strange Canadian version. Does that mean you thought about writing a post in French, but you worried you’d lose all your readers?
I suspect Smaktakula won’t be pleased to be housing a discussion en français.
And you didn’t even need Google Translate!
As for Smaktakula, you’re right… je l’embrasse. Voilà.
Shows how smart I am. I didn’t even know there was such a thing as Google Translate. Always a laggard, I am…
Alex Autin said:
……the dark, viscous snot of an emphysema patient? Really?! 😀
I liked that!
Donald Trump = cockatoo….too funny, he’s also proof that there still are some things money can’t buy…such as charisma and personality.
Or class, for as much as that diglero throws the word around.
El Guapo said:
Please tell me you have copyrighted and will be retiring on the proceeds from the word “skullet”.
LOL Very nicely done. And this is why I have a #2 cut – I don’t want to look like Phil Collins on the cover of his classic 80’s album No Jacket Required *shudder*
Jen and Tonic said:
I liken this to people who wear clothes that are two sizes too tight– like the rest of us will suddenly say, “Oh shit! She just went down two sizes overnight!” Admit what it is, and get on with your life. No hair? Belly fat? Stocky penis? Get over it already.
Awesome posting and pictures are hilarious!
Adrienne schmadrienne said:
Oh man I dated a blond guy who tried dreads. He was OCD about being clean too so the dreads really just looked like matted messes through the day but normal tresses before bed. Weird.
My girlfriend was cutting my hair once….she got halfway through and the clippers died. She was promptly fired. When waiting at the barber shop, the first comment was, “fell asleep at a party?”. I was going to crusade against the clipper industry, but stuff came up…mostly car related. BUT IM STILL MAD.