By Smaktakula

It Doesn't Matter What It Is, You'd Sell A Kidney Just To Wait In Line For It.

Around the world, the gnashing of teeth and tearing of clothes has greeted the sad news of Steve Jobs’ untimely death at fifty-six.  However, like Christ, the deity to Whom the Silicon Valley innovator is most often compared, Jobs leaves behind a devoted and cult-like movement composed of individuals each of whom is convinced that only he or she is the recipient of the true message.

Bill Gates, Along With A Third Of The Programming Host, Was Cast Down From Silicon Valley Into The Pit Of Redmond.

Of death, Jobs said, “If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine.”  This statement has caused no small amount of confusion among His disciples, causing factions to form based on the varying interpretations of Jobs’ Word.  “We await the great 2.0,” says one apostle, “On which Steve will return to us, bringing the OS that will set us free.”  Others believe this message to be purely symbolic, expressing Jobs’ wish that acolytes continue to spend money on Apple products long after His own iTunes account had been deleted.

Ever Wonder What Ashton Kutcher Would Look Like If He Were Old And Afflicted With Pancreatic Cancer?

This is a difficult, lonely time for those people who appreciate how others appreciate their tastes, be they orthodox or reformed.  These lost souls can take some comfort from the wondrous relics Jobs has left behind, and draw warm consolation from the knowledge that the uproariously funny David Sedaris is still doing his thing.

"For Whosoever Sayeth Unto You, 'My PC Is Rife With Illness, And Must Surely Die,' Say You Also Unto Them, 'I Wouldn't Know; I Have A Mac."