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Tag Archives: death by pancreatic cancer

Steve Jobs’ Obsolescence Comes Earlier Than Expected

06 Thursday Oct 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, News, Religion

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

Apple, Bill Gates, Celebrity Death Watch, Christ figures, David Sedaris, death by pancreatic cancer, Mac people, Microsoft, Redmond, Silicon Valley, Steve Jobs

By Smaktakula

It Doesn't Matter What It Is, You'd Sell A Kidney Just To Wait In Line For It.

Around the world, the gnashing of teeth and tearing of clothes has greeted the sad news of Steve Jobs’ untimely death at fifty-six.  However, like Christ, the deity to Whom the Silicon Valley innovator is most often compared, Jobs leaves behind a devoted and cult-like movement composed of individuals each of whom is convinced that only he or she is the recipient of the true message.

Bill Gates Images

Bill Gates, Along With A Third Of The Programming Host, Was Cast Down From Silicon Valley Into The Pit Of Redmond.

Of death, Jobs said, “If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine.”  This statement has caused no small amount of confusion among His disciples, causing factions to form based on the varying interpretations of Jobs’ Word.  “We await the great 2.0,” says one apostle, “On which Steve will return to us, bringing the OS that will set us free.”  Others believe this message to be purely symbolic, expressing Jobs’ wish that acolytes continue to spend money on Apple products long after His own iTunes account had been deleted.

Ever Wonder What Ashton Kutcher Would Look Like If He Were Old And Afflicted With Pancreatic Cancer?

This is a difficult, lonely time for those people who appreciate how others appreciate their tastes, be they orthodox or reformed.  These lost souls can take some comfort from the wondrous relics Jobs has left behind, and draw warm consolation from the knowledge that the uproariously funny David Sedaris is still doing his thing.

"For Whosoever Sayeth Unto You, 'My PC Is Rife With Illness, And Must Surely Die,' Say You Also Unto Them, 'I Wouldn't Know; I Have A Mac."

All-Star Celebarrassments: Billy Carter

03 Friday Dec 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Politics

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

alcohol abuse, Anti-Defamation League of the B'nai B'rith, Arabs, Atlanta, Bill Clinton, Bill vs. Jimmy, Billy Beer, Billy Carter, celebarrassments, death by pancreatic cancer, down syndrome, down's syndrome, Georgia, Iranian Hostage Crisis, Jews, Jimmy Carter, Mark Thatcher, methamphetamine, Muammar al-Gaddafi, pancreatic cancer, President Carter, President Clinton, Redneck Power!, Roger Clinton, Ronald Reagan, Schlitz, slackjawed halfwits, Ted Kennedy, Twins, William Alton Carter III, Zeituni Onyango

By Smaktakula

We Don't Really Need A Caption For This One: The Man Was A Half-Wit.

“The Embryo split in two, but it didn’t split equally.  All the purity and strength went into Julius.  All the crap that was left over went into what you see in the mirror every morning.”

Twins (1988)

There is one man beside whom all other celebarrasments* pale in comparison, an iconic vision of wasted genes to whom the likes of Roger Clinton, Zeituni Onyango and Mark Thatcher must all take a back seat.  Billy Carter was the alpha and omega of cringeworthy relations.

"Hell No, You Can't Drive! Damn It, Rog--You're Lucky To Be Here After What Happened At Chelsea's Wedding. Yeah, Well Maybe I Wouldn't Have To Keep Bringing It Up If You'd Stop Acting Like A Horse's Ass."

Although James Earl Carter was very nearly a Rhodes Scholar, little brother Billy had trouble simply walking upright.  Where the elder Carter boy tended to be precise and methodical, Billy was full of alcohol-fueled bombast.  Billy stuck to Jimmy like gum on a tennis shoe until late in the beleaguered Carter Presidency, when facing a primary challenge from party loyalist Ted Kennedy, Jimmy was forced to denounce his brother.

It Runs On Redneck Power. Just Fill 'Er Up With Methamphetamine & Schlitz And Watch That Baby Go!"

Until then, however, Billy was able to wreak all manner of mischief.  His disastrous sponsorship of Billy Beer only highlighted his pitiable alcoholism.  Likewise, pissing on the tarmac of the Atlanta airport in full sight of the press while awaiting the arrival a Libyan cohort from whose terror-funding government he took a variety of gifts and payments did little to help his brother’s malaise-ridden presidency.

Some Cases Of Down Syndrome Go Undiagnosed For Years.

The Anti-Defamation League of the B’nai B’rith called out Billy for his unseemly relationship with Col. Muammar al-Gaddafi, but the slack-jawed redneck wasn’t concerned.  Said Billy sagely, “All I can say is there is a hell of a lot more Arabs than there is Jews.”

Billy Was Proud Of His Business Acumen. On His Decision To Do Business With Libyans Rather Than Jews: "Sorry Fellers, But I Got To Go With Them What Knows How To Make Some Money!"

Although Billy Carter would live until pancreatic cancer claimed him at the age of 51 in 1988, in many ways he died on January 20th, 1981 as Ronald Reagan took office.  It was as if after a dismal economy, the 444-day hostage crisis and an electoral beatdown at the hands of Reagan, Jimmy Carter’s presidential legacy was already in tatters, and there was nothing left for Billy to do.

"Y'Hear That? No President IN HISTORY Has Had A More Embarrassing Relative. Not Just 'The Second Half Of The 20th Century,' So You Can Put That In Your Cigar And Smoke It."

* Celebarrassment (n) [sel-uh-BAR-uhs-ment] The embarrassing relative of a celebrity or other important figure.  © 2010 Promethean Times.

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