Headlines: Is There A Moose Under There?

By Smaktakula

Be On The Lookout For This Adorable Sex Criminal. His Most Frequent Tactic Is To Leave A Chew-Toy In Plain Sight On The Sidewalk. Victims Foolish Enough To Bend Over To Pick Up The Toy Told Police That By The Time They Understood What Was Happening, It Was Already Too Late.

In which we roll around in a great big pile of our own ignorance.

***

16 Grossest Things Parents Do for Their Kids ~ Bird parents puke down their kids’ throats. Try topping that.

In the mood for love? Signs that point to ‘yes’ ~ An erection, obviously.

This Couple Is Angry About Expecting Twins. Hear Them Out. ~ No, we’re with you. It’s almost as if God hates you, huh?

Deaf NY Starbucks Patrons Sue, Say They’re Mocked ~ Yeah, but how do they know, really?

Little Boy Makes Friends With Pope Francis ~ Ah. Little boys and priests, what could be sweeter than…wait just a damn minute!

Adding A Funny Caption Would Only Sully The Beauty Of This Moment.

‘I Thought I Was Ready To Lose My Virginity’ Alas, being a virgin is a lot like being a hemophiliac: one prick and it’s all over.

Which ‘Housewife’ Is Worth $10K? ~ Studies show that the labor of the average homemaker is worth something like $120K annually. So the housewife worth $10K is a really shitty one.

How Not to Be Alone ~ Try to be a little less sucky.

Waitress Who Received Offensive Note Instead Of Tip Makes Awesome Move ~ She chalked it up to “people being assholes” and went on with her life? That would be awesome.

Tadeusz Mazowiecki, Polish prime minister, dies at 86 ~ Turns out he choked to death on one of the superfluous consonants in his name.

Seriously, You Could Put An Eye Out With That!

Analysis: Why Putin is backing Assad’s blood-soaked Syrian regime ~ Because Vladimir Putin is a creature of pure evil. This one’s not a joke, folks.

Gay NBA Player’s Hot Girlfriend ~ Wait…What?

Not Your Grandmother’s Skin Care? I sure hope not. Whatever Grandma’s been using has shriveled her up like a prune.

13 Things Your Bartender Won’t Tell You #8 “I think you’ve had enough, sir.”

WATCH: Newborn twins can’t stop hugging each other ~ Heh. That’s so gay.

Get A Room, Fellas.

Texas Plant’s Hazards Eluded Regulators For Nearly 30 Years ‘Eluded?’ That’s a mighty fancy word for “ignored by.”

The sexiest film ever? ‘Blue Is the Warmest Color’ ignites passions ~ Well, V from Lame Adventures saw it with her buddy Milton and they both agreed it was just about the best darn movie ever made.

Moose die-off: 100,000 ticks on just one moose, is Lyme disease culprit? ~ Have you considered death by blood loss?

‘Chaplin: The Musical’ — The Little Tramp Makes It to the Great White Way ~ It’s from the brilliant minds behind such Broadway hits as Marcel Marceau: The Rock Opera and Helen Keller: In Her Own Words.

Why I never cheer while attending pro sporting events ~ ‘Cause I’m a joyless dick.

“Also, There Is No Santa Claus, Social Security Will Be Insolvent By The Time You’re Old Enough To Collect On It, And You Will Never Find True Love.”

Woman, 86, dies after running marathon ~ If you’ll consult the morbidity tables, we think you’ll find that statistically speaking she was every bit as likely to die after watching reruns of Murder She Wrote.

Talking feelings isn’t something Peyton Manning enjoys ~ Well, duh. Guess you saw the name ‘Peyton’ and thought he was a chick.

You’re a Gay Couple. Now What Do You Do? ~ I dunno, go to the movies or something. It’s not all that complicated.

The Alleged Rapist With a Possibly Inappropriate Nickname He assaults AND demeans–a true double-threat!

Arkansas Man Wakes Up To Find Dog Ate His Testicle ~ We were going to make an Arkansas joke, but it’s just so sad how those people live.¹

Some Of Smaktakula’s Ancestors Found Themselves In Arkansas Shortly After Arriving In America. They Got The Hell Out, Of Course.

My partner is sending naked photos of herself to another man Then she’s not really you’re partner, now is she?

War, What Is It Good For? ~HUH! ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! Well, that’s what you’re supposed to say, but war is actually good for a lot of things, such as the acquisition of new territory and resources, expanding a nation’s sphere of influence and as a means of population control.

Warning men about “gray rape” ~ Keep it under 55, scumbags!

Chris Farley’s friends remember: “His greatest love was the act of laughter itself” ~ Cocaine was a pretty strong second, though, followed closely by whores.

Don’t White People Kill Each Other, Too? ~ Yes, but only as a last resort.

However, Virtually All The Blood-Crazy, Spleen-Eating Whack-Jobs Notorious Enough To Get Their Own Lifetime Specials Are White Dudes.

***

¹Much love, CB! ∞ T.
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31 Responses to Headlines: Is There A Moose Under There?

  1. As a longtime fan of Bullwinkle, I feel for that tick-infested moose. Thanks for the shout out associating me with that film I had deleted from my memory bank …

  2. When I was living up in Maine, a tourist once asked me in all seriousness, “When do the deer turn into moose?”

    • Smaktakula says:

      I can only assume he was from Jersey. While I didn’t see any moose when I was in Maine, I did see plenty of “Moose X-Ing” signs.

      Thanks as always for stopping by!

  3. Marcel Marceau the Rock Opera – crack me up!!!!

  4. El Guapo says:

    It’s nice to know that I can come here during the holiday season and avoid all that feel good crap.

    So is Purina going to be exploiting that Arkansas dog-food niche?

  5. tomsimard says:

    Well, whatever you want to say about Arkansas and I have a feeling you’ve got lots to say, they did have Beaker Street, which played some great music.
    I’m not sure what amuses me about Vlad, the fact that he is the master of everything or that he owns a Lab.

    • Smaktakula says:

      Well, it’s that little touch of humanity that throws you off. It’s like every time I remember that Putin is somebody’s granddad it blows my mind for a second.

      I didn’t know about Beaker Street, but I must admit I have a fondness for Arkansas, not least because my holler-dwellin’ American progenitors crawled forth from that primordial ooze (in fact, there’s a town right across the border in the Missouri Ozarks that bears my mom’s maiden name). I just very much enjoy making fun of things.

      • tomsimard says:

        Beaker Street was for me at least a bit of saneness from radio’s inaneness.

        Never been to Arkansas or for that matter too many places in the South. During my hitchhiking days I feared my Yankee accent might cause me trouble. I would really love to visit now though.

        Speaking of Missouri Ozarks – have your read any Daniel Woodrell? I’ve only read Winter’s Bone
        but liked it quite a bit and should really read more.

      • Smaktakula says:

        Beaker Street was for me at least a bit of saneness from radio’s inaneness.

        What a lovely turn of phrase. I don’t listen to the radio, except ball games, because it’s so much crap. I was in a diner yesterday with my family in another county, and they played all oldies & doo-wop. I loved that.

        Re: Woodrell–yes, I’ve read a couple of his books (and when I say “read,” in this instance, I mean “listened to”). “Winter’s Bone” was surprisingly good, and I also read something called “The Bayou Trilogy,” which are three hard-boiled novellas set in a fictional (as I recall) Louisiana Parish.

      • tomsimard says:

        I’ll check out The Bayou Trilogy – thanks.
        I do love the sound of “hard-boiled novellas” – brings to mind Dashiell Hammett.

      • Smaktakula says:

        The comparison to Hammett seems appropriate. I’ve read (again, “heard”) “The Maltese Falcoln,” and there are certainly thematic similarities. Another similarity: both TMF and TBT are fairly intelligent works which are altogether unconcerned with appearing intelligent.

      • tomsimard says:

        I’ve only read his Red Harvest, which I thought was great. I don’t think I’ve read another writer who wrote such fabulously lean prose.

        “…fairly intelligent works which are altogether unconcerned with appearing intelligent.”
        Perfect.

  6. Carrie Rubin says:

    “Bird parents puke down their kids’ throats. Try topping that.”—Alicia Silverstone came close when she posted a video of herself passing her chewed food to her toddler’s mouth. Guess she doesn’t know that’s one of the best ways to pass cavity-causing bacteria from mother to child. Plus, it’s just plain gross.

    As for that testicle thing? Best reason to not sleep naked as far as I can tell.

  7. jmmcdowell says:

    Damn, Carrie beat me to the Alicia Silverstone bit! I couldn’t remember if it was her or Reese Witherspoon that pulled that stomach-turning stunt.

    Putin—the man’s main public concern for getting Russia’s GPS up and running was to be able to track his dog. I wonder if he was leaving toys on the streets for unsuspecting passers-by….

  8. There is so much to love about this post! The man who got his testicle eaten by a dog! Holy Shit. That was a freaky ass story to find…(and the dog lost his head) ??
    I can’t say this enough to you Smakola – you are damn funny.

  9. Mmm- lamb fries! Only that wasn’t a sheep nut. And it’s a dog eating it. I guess if it’s that easy to lose one’s balls in the deep South, then we shouldn’t even question missing teeth. However-

    If you have ever experienced a Southern drink sensation they call “apple pie” then it’s perfectly understandable how one of the redneck persuasion could wake up to his dog chowing down on his testicle.

    Makes “the dog ate my homework” pale by comparison.

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