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Tag Archives: Twins

Headlines: Is There A Moose Under There?

02 Monday Dec 2013

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, Entertainment, Headlines, Religion, Sport, Stupidity

≈ 31 Comments

Tags

Arkansas, Chris Farley, deaf people, gay people, Grumpy Cat!, homemakers, morbidity tables, Poland, rape, Twins, untalented stars, Vladimir Putin, war

By Smaktakula

Be On The Lookout For This Adorable Sex Criminal. His Most Frequent Tactic Is To Leave A Chew-Toy In Plain Sight On The Sidewalk. Victims Foolish Enough To Bend Over To Pick Up The Toy Told Police That By The Time They Understood What Was Happening, It Was Already Too Late.

In which we roll around in a great big pile of our own ignorance.

***

16 Grossest Things Parents Do for Their Kids ~ Bird parents puke down their kids’ throats. Try topping that.

In the mood for love? Signs that point to ‘yes’ ~ An erection, obviously.

This Couple Is Angry About Expecting Twins. Hear Them Out. ~ No, we’re with you. It’s almost as if God hates you, huh?

Deaf NY Starbucks Patrons Sue, Say They’re Mocked ~ Yeah, but how do they know, really?

Little Boy Makes Friends With Pope Francis ~ Ah. Little boys and priests, what could be sweeter than…wait just a damn minute!

Adding A Funny Caption Would Only Sully The Beauty Of This Moment.

‘I Thought I Was Ready To Lose My Virginity’ ~ Alas, being a virgin is a lot like being a hemophiliac: one prick and it’s all over.

Which ‘Housewife’ Is Worth $10K? ~ Studies show that the labor of the average homemaker is worth something like $120K annually. So the housewife worth $10K is a really shitty one.

How Not to Be Alone ~ Try to be a little less sucky.

Waitress Who Received Offensive Note Instead Of Tip Makes Awesome Move ~ She chalked it up to “people being assholes” and went on with her life? That would be awesome.

Tadeusz Mazowiecki, Polish prime minister, dies at 86 ~ Turns out he choked to death on one of the superfluous consonants in his name.

Seriously, You Could Put An Eye Out With That!

Analysis: Why Putin is backing Assad’s blood-soaked Syrian regime ~ Because Vladimir Putin is a creature of pure evil. This one’s not a joke, folks.

Gay NBA Player’s Hot Girlfriend ~ Wait…What?

Not Your Grandmother’s Skin Care? ~ I sure hope not. Whatever Grandma’s been using has shriveled her up like a prune.

13 Things Your Bartender Won’t Tell You ~ #8 “I think you’ve had enough, sir.”

WATCH: Newborn twins can’t stop hugging each other ~ Heh. That’s so gay.

Get A Room, Fellas.

Texas Plant’s Hazards Eluded Regulators For Nearly 30 Years ~ ‘Eluded?’ That’s a mighty fancy word for “ignored by.”

The sexiest film ever? ‘Blue Is the Warmest Color’ ignites passions ~ Well, V from Lame Adventures saw it with her buddy Milton and they both agreed it was just about the best darn movie ever made.

Moose die-off: 100,000 ticks on just one moose, is Lyme disease culprit? ~ Have you considered death by blood loss?

‘Chaplin: The Musical’ — The Little Tramp Makes It to the Great White Way ~ It’s from the brilliant minds behind such Broadway hits as Marcel Marceau: The Rock Opera and Helen Keller: In Her Own Words.

Why I never cheer while attending pro sporting events ~ ‘Cause I’m a joyless dick.

“Also, There Is No Santa Claus, Social Security Will Be Insolvent By The Time You’re Old Enough To Collect On It, And You Will Never Find True Love.”

Woman, 86, dies after running marathon ~ If you’ll consult the morbidity tables, we think you’ll find that statistically speaking she was every bit as likely to die after watching reruns of Murder She Wrote.

Talking feelings isn’t something Peyton Manning enjoys ~ Well, duh. Guess you saw the name ‘Peyton’ and thought he was a chick.

You’re a Gay Couple. Now What Do You Do? ~ I dunno, go to the movies or something. It’s not all that complicated.

The Alleged Rapist With a Possibly Inappropriate Nickname ~ He assaults AND demeans–a true double-threat!

Arkansas Man Wakes Up To Find Dog Ate His Testicle ~ We were going to make an Arkansas joke, but it’s just so sad how those people live.¹

Some Of Smaktakula’s Ancestors Found Themselves In Arkansas Shortly After Arriving In America. They Got The Hell Out, Of Course.

My partner is sending naked photos of herself to another man ~ Then she’s not really you’re partner, now is she?

War, What Is It Good For? ~HUH! ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! Well, that’s what you’re supposed to say, but war is actually good for a lot of things, such as the acquisition of new territory and resources, expanding a nation’s sphere of influence and as a means of population control.

Warning men about “gray rape” ~ Keep it under 55, scumbags!

Chris Farley’s friends remember: “His greatest love was the act of laughter itself” ~ Cocaine was a pretty strong second, though, followed closely by whores.

Don’t White People Kill Each Other, Too? ~ Yes, but only as a last resort.

However, Virtually All The Blood-Crazy, Spleen-Eating Whack-Jobs Notorious Enough To Get Their Own Lifetime Specials Are White Dudes.

***

¹Much love, CB! ∞ T.

Headlines: No Rod Unspared

04 Monday Feb 2013

Posted by Smaktakula in Cinema, Crime, Culture, Entertainment, Headlines, History, Politics, Stupidity

≈ 36 Comments

Tags

Alabama, Axe Body Spray, Baseball, Belgium, blond is beautiful motherfuckers!, California, Chicago White Sox, Colorado, Condoleezza Rice, Costa Mesa, don't hate us because we're ignorant, fun with stereotypes, Greece, headlines, Helen Keller, homeless people, homosexuality, hunger, Israel, Joe Biden, Koreans, man-boy love, Muhammad, New York Times, obesity, Orange County, pederasts, penis breakage is not funny!, Pennsylvania, racism, Sparks, Twins, Why am I so stupid?, WNBA, Wyoming

By Smaktakula

And They All Lived Happily Ever After.

In which we opine on the headlines of the day without first bothering to read the articles.

***

Ask E. Jean: My Husband is Sleeping with My Mother ~ That motherfucker!

What Is It Like To Be an Adult and Not Have Kids? ~ It’s like being a kid yourself. A kid who has sex, stays out all night doing exciting things and has lots of money.

The Makers Of Axe Now Say It Can Cure Homosexuality ~ Well, a sharp blade can cure just about anything, but is it ethical?

Poll finds fresh increase in US racism ~ Europe must really be laughing their heads off at us right now. Or they would be, anyway, if they didn’t still have seasonal race riots or if they’d ever voted a black dude to head the EU. So stick that in your stein and drink it, Fritz!

Ultimate Fighter BREAKS His Penis in Half! ~ Sorry, folks–we feel that some things are just too awful to joke about.

What Is Your Hair Color Personality? ~ Master-race. Hey–you asked.

Individually, We’re Super-Nice People. It’s Only When We Run In Packs That You Want To Start Keeping An Eye Out.

Deaf Belgian twins, 45, win right to die after losing sight ~ If you were somehow able to ask Helen Keller what she thought of these monozygotic mama’s boys, she’d probably tell you, “Aughaguh ruwurgh!”

Costa Mesa confronts homelessness head-on ~ No, really–head on. Like with a car. They really don’t care for the homeless in the OC.

Alabama woman accused of biting husband’s genitals ~ Before you judge, try to remember that ball-biting is what passes for foreplay in Alabama. Those poor folks just don’t know no better.

Some say Obama will be last African American president ~ Notably the same political sages who said in 2007 that we’d never have an African-American president in the first place.

Basic hygiene at risk in debt-stricken Greek hospitals ~ And it’s not like the Greeks have ever been as crazy about hygiene as they are about, say, man-boy love.

The 10 biggest errors in baseball history ~ Shorts on the White Sox has got to be way up there. That was just gay, and we mean that in the bad way.

Yes, It Was Worse Than That Time They Threw The World Series.

Sparks Advance in WNBA Playoffs ~ So they’re still doing that WNBA thing? Well good! Good for them!

Did the Fish Sandwich That Jay-Z Bought Zadie Smith Violate NYT Ethical Guidelines? ~ Huh. So is this how you saw your future career when you got that acceptance letter from the Columbia School of Journalism? Just curious.

It’s So Big! ~ If we had a dollar for every time we heard that….

Condi Rice Is in No Position To Lecture Anyone on Foreign Policy ~ To be fair, her position as a Stanford political science professor does put her in a pretty good position to lecture people on foreign policy with some regularity.

Boy, 7, shot to death outside Pa. gun store ~ Not just irony–shootin’ irony.

Obesity is a Bigger Problem Globally than Hunger ~ Absolutely. A self-inflicted ‘epidemic’ that kills rich first-world folks over the course of decades is no less heinous than the sight of swole-bellied children starving to death under a fly-choked sky.

The Fact That You Will Never Have To Suffer Hypertension, Diabetes, Gout Or A Host Of First-World Maladies Should Put An End To Your Sense Of Entitlement And Also Help With Your Obvious Body-Image Issues.

Pennsylvania man fails at 2 suicide attempts on interstate before work ~ HR immediately pink-slipped that two-time loser.

Perfect 10? Never Mind That. Ask Her for Her Credit Score. ~ Hold on now. Remember, you can’t hump a credit score.

Is Islam’s prophet Muhammad to have more screen time? ~ Unless Regal Entertainment Group is actively seeking a fatwa, our guess is “no.”

Hermit Crabs Adapting To Kick Neighboring Crabs Out Of Homes ~ These arthropods are more properly called ‘Slumlord Crabs.’

Army of kids drenches Biden with massive waterpower ~ This could be the Rosetta Stone of all piss-jokes, if only we could unlock it.

Taking a different view of pedophilia ~ One clergyman’s take on this contentious issue.

“Don’t Spare The Rod. Am I Right, Fellahs?”

Ask the Headhunter: ‘Are Headhunters Worth Talking To?’ ~ The headhunter says that yes, headhunters are very much worth talking to.

Colorado coed breaks ankle on Wyoming mountain, records video ~ This is hardly out of character for her–she sent out a press release when she got her first period.

Why you want to ‘eat’ cute puppies ~ Because you’re Korean and it’s a cultural thing.

’89 School Shooting Survivor: ‘It Gets Better’ ~ “In 2004 I regained the ability to move my right thumb 45 °. I’m gonna walk someday–you wait and see!”

Jennifer Aniston & Brad Pitt Separated 8 Years Ago ~ And here we are still talking about it.

Alameda County sheriff seeks drone to fight crime ~ Is there an Alameda County in Kandahar? Otherwise this seems…we don’t know…kinda un-American?

Taliban Insurgents Learned Their Rage Through A Life Of War And Deprivation. Oakland Anarchists Came To It By Way Of The Middle Class.

Life-Changing Literature: Gross Jokes

06 Thursday Sep 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Entertainment, Stupidity

≈ 37 Comments

Tags

9/11, Forever, fun with stereotypes, Great Books of the Western Tradition, Gross Jokes, inappropriate humor, Jesus, Judy Blume, Julius Alvin, Miss You Mom, Pearl Harbor, the Bible, Twins

By Tardsie

Some Humor Doesn’t Mean To Be Inappropriate, It Just Is.

After the King James Bible and Judy Blume’s Forever, which respectively served as the imprimatur for my troubling moral rigidity and taught me everything I needed to know about sex, no book has exerted quite so profound an impact on my development as has Julius Alvin’s indispensible compendium, Gross Jokes.

We Read It In The Fifth Grade, But It Would Be Years Before We Could Put Its Teachings To Good Use.

This delightful piece of Americana is a relic of a bygone age.  Its anachronistic offensiveness harkens back to an era in which the culture hadn’t yet discovered its inner pussy or began to counter the messy inclusiveness of wide-ranging speech with an antiseptic circumspection and a compulsion for self-censorship bordering on mania. Nowadays, the list of lifestyles and affiliations which can be safely mocked has dwindled to near-insignificance.

It’s Still Safe To Kick The Mormons, Though. What Are They Always So Happy About, Anyway? Fucking Weirdos.

Gross Jokes is, if not a breath of fresh air in these stuffy times, then at least a pungent fart in society’s plastic-lined cleanroom. Dedicated to Helen Keller (she’ll apparently be reading the audio version, which has been re-titled Y34jk3k Bdkddd for the occasion), and with chapter headings such as Revolting Racial and Ethnic Jokes, Vulgar Cripple Jokes, Indecent Religious Jokes, Foul Homosexual Jokes, Lewd Senior Citizen Jokes and Simply Disgusting, Gross Jokes is clearly something special.

Is This Really How We Want To Live?

Very few of the jokes contained in this volume are suitable for print even in these pages. It is a testament to the power of Gross Jokes that a significant portion of its contents offends even our attenuated sense of propriety. However, to give you an idea of the range and beauty of this masterwork, we present the following excerpts:

***

Why are just-deflowered virgins like the warships in Pearl Harbor after the Japanese bombing?
Because their cock-pits are full of bloody semen.

Yeah, We’ve Sullied It For You. Whatever–9/11’s Our Big National Tragedy Now, Anyway.

***

A man called his friend in the middle of the night and said, “Fred, I’m really worried about Mary. She wasn’t here when I got home from work and I still haven’t heard from her. And you know how depressed she gets at times since her mastectomy.”
Fred tried to reassure him. “Maybe she’s just visiting a friend.”
“I doubt it,” the man said glumly. “She left her tits here.”

We Made A Lot Of Friends With That One, Huh?

***

What do you do with dead baby twins?
Use one to swat the flies swarming around the other.

Just Think Of All The Heartache Inflicted On Parents By LIVING Instances Of This Genetic Anomaly.

***

Judy Blume, Jesus & Julius Alvin: Now Do You Better Understand Both The Nature And Depth Of Our Sickness?

True Facts: Twins

28 Tuesday Aug 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Science

≈ 29 Comments

Tags

gingers, normals, outright lies, true facts, Twins, vengeance of an angry God

By Smaktakula

If This Happens To You, You Probably Deserve It.

Some common misapprehensions about identical twins:

1) In most societies, the belief persists that identical twins are a blessing. In fact, they are evidence of God’s displeasure.

2) There is no “evil twin” per se. However, because identical twins share but one soul between them, they have a higher propensity for wickedness than do “normals.”

3) The pinkie-finger of a twin, ground up and made into a tea, wards off the effects of leprosy.

Which Twin Is The Evil One? We’re Looking At The Ginger.

Charlie Sheen Surrenders Custody Of Kids

02 Wednesday Mar 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, News

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

bad parents, Charlie Sheen, Charlie Sheen is a drugged-out wifebeater, Charlie Sheen Will Never Escape The Brat Pack's Terrible Event Horizon, child endangerment, custody battle, inebriate, infants, serial impregnator, Twins, Won't somebody please think of the children?

By Smaktakula

Sheen Probably Spends Too Much Time Riding Bareback.

More bad news for cretinous serial impregnator and former television personality Charlie Sheen: Last night the authorities arrived at Sheen’s Beverly Hills residence to remove the actor’s twin sons from his custody.

At Least This Child Doesn't Appear To Be His Own.

Although very little is known at this time, the question on everybody’s lips is:

“ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?  UNTIL YESTERDAY, CHARLIE SHEEN WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR THE SAFETY OF TWO HUMAN INFANTS?  HOLY SHIT!”

"Whatever, Dude. I'll Just Make More."

All-Star Celebarrassments: Billy Carter

03 Friday Dec 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Politics

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

alcohol abuse, Anti-Defamation League of the B'nai B'rith, Arabs, Atlanta, Bill Clinton, Bill vs. Jimmy, Billy Beer, Billy Carter, celebarrassments, death by pancreatic cancer, down syndrome, down's syndrome, Georgia, Iranian Hostage Crisis, Jews, Jimmy Carter, Mark Thatcher, methamphetamine, Muammar al-Gaddafi, pancreatic cancer, President Carter, President Clinton, Redneck Power!, Roger Clinton, Ronald Reagan, Schlitz, slackjawed halfwits, Ted Kennedy, Twins, William Alton Carter III, Zeituni Onyango

By Smaktakula

We Don't Really Need A Caption For This One: The Man Was A Half-Wit.

“The Embryo split in two, but it didn’t split equally.  All the purity and strength went into Julius.  All the crap that was left over went into what you see in the mirror every morning.”

Twins (1988)

There is one man beside whom all other celebarrasments* pale in comparison, an iconic vision of wasted genes to whom the likes of Roger Clinton, Zeituni Onyango and Mark Thatcher must all take a back seat.  Billy Carter was the alpha and omega of cringeworthy relations.

"Hell No, You Can't Drive! Damn It, Rog--You're Lucky To Be Here After What Happened At Chelsea's Wedding. Yeah, Well Maybe I Wouldn't Have To Keep Bringing It Up If You'd Stop Acting Like A Horse's Ass."

Although James Earl Carter was very nearly a Rhodes Scholar, little brother Billy had trouble simply walking upright.  Where the elder Carter boy tended to be precise and methodical, Billy was full of alcohol-fueled bombast.  Billy stuck to Jimmy like gum on a tennis shoe until late in the beleaguered Carter Presidency, when facing a primary challenge from party loyalist Ted Kennedy, Jimmy was forced to denounce his brother.

It Runs On Redneck Power. Just Fill 'Er Up With Methamphetamine & Schlitz And Watch That Baby Go!"

Until then, however, Billy was able to wreak all manner of mischief.  His disastrous sponsorship of Billy Beer only highlighted his pitiable alcoholism.  Likewise, pissing on the tarmac of the Atlanta airport in full sight of the press while awaiting the arrival a Libyan cohort from whose terror-funding government he took a variety of gifts and payments did little to help his brother’s malaise-ridden presidency.

Some Cases Of Down Syndrome Go Undiagnosed For Years.

The Anti-Defamation League of the B’nai B’rith called out Billy for his unseemly relationship with Col. Muammar al-Gaddafi, but the slack-jawed redneck wasn’t concerned.  Said Billy sagely, “All I can say is there is a hell of a lot more Arabs than there is Jews.”

Billy Was Proud Of His Business Acumen. On His Decision To Do Business With Libyans Rather Than Jews: "Sorry Fellers, But I Got To Go With Them What Knows How To Make Some Money!"

Although Billy Carter would live until pancreatic cancer claimed him at the age of 51 in 1988, in many ways he died on January 20th, 1981 as Ronald Reagan took office.  It was as if after a dismal economy, the 444-day hostage crisis and an electoral beatdown at the hands of Reagan, Jimmy Carter’s presidential legacy was already in tatters, and there was nothing left for Billy to do.

"Y'Hear That? No President IN HISTORY Has Had A More Embarrassing Relative. Not Just 'The Second Half Of The 20th Century,' So You Can Put That In Your Cigar And Smoke It."

* Celebarrassment (n) [sel-uh-BAR-uhs-ment] The embarrassing relative of a celebrity or other important figure.  © 2010 Promethean Times.

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