By Tardsie
A True-Ass Tale as it was meant to be heard–with your ears!
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In which our hero finds himself at a low point, made lower still by a visit to the 5th Circle of Hell.
The Scriptures Warn Of This. “Have Ye Not Heard It Said That The Masters Of Horses And Asses In All Places Alike, One Unto Another? And Hath Not The Testimony Of Your Own Eyes Born Witness To The Same? It Is True: They Are All Of Them Cocksuckers.”
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The Slightly Sad Story of the Most Fun I Ever Had at the DMV
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Although It’s No Fun At All, The DMV Offers Many Of The Same Features As Do America’s Large Theme Parks: Tortuous Lines, Hefty Fees And Cold-Blooded Fascism.
Promethean Times 
How far into your cheek does your tongue go…!?
I would have loved to be behind you in that line listening to that conversation (if ever there was such a conversation). I haven’t made up my mind whether or not you are a serious ball crusher, or an incredibly good story teller… Maybe both..! 😉
Thanks, Carolyn,
No, it happened pretty much as I described it here. We do sling a lot of BS in these pages, but anything published as a “True-Ass Tale” is just that. I usually change the names, neither to protect the guilty or the innocent, but rather myself.
Again, thanks for reading and commenting!
Wow. Just when I thought nothing I hear about the DMV could surprise me. This one takes the cake. Let’s just hope the guy isn’t working in grief counseling now.
No kidding! I’m sure this guy is still working for the DMV, unless he’s reached the age of 48 and can retire with a full pension. I’ve had to go back into the DMV several times since then, and haven’t got him since.
Classic, man, absolutely classic. I used to get pains in my stomach as a teenager back when I lived in Connecticut just thinking about going to DMV for any reason at all. Your use of the word “fascism” in this context is not too strong.
Thanks, Bill! I don’t know what it is about that culture that makes being a dickhead such a job asset. Somewhere I went into the DMV (I think it was Oregon) they had signs that said something to the effect of “It is illegal to harass the DMV employees” meaning that you were completely their bitch!
Really enjoyed that. Especially taken by the description of the man giving off the “serial killer vibe.”
Thanks a lot, Tom! I’m not sure why darkly-tinged lenses give me that vibe–I think it may all go back to Dr. Strangelove.
A movie to be seen repeatedly.
Sad and not hard to believe what happened to you. The DMV back in NYC is an extension of hell, they treat you like if they are forgiving your life and for that you gotta swallow whatever they throw. Up to this date I don’t have a driver license.
Fortunately, I understand in NYC you don’t really need one. I’ve never lived in a place with good public transportation. We’re such a car culture out here in the West, I got my DL on my 16th birthday.
Awesome story and presentation! More Tardsie’s True-Ass AUDIO Tales!
Thanks a lot for the encouragement, Alex! More will be forthcoming.
I think I’m going to keep that line in my back pocket, just in case.
Though I did play the “recently passed away” Mom card recently to moderate effect.
Though I did play the “recently passed away” Mom card recently to moderate effect.
Brother, that’s your right–and I mean that. I think the world should give you a little bit of a break when you lose your mom.
Oh, Smak – that mean bast***……despite the fact your mom died, I have to say you are funny as hell. (I love the audios – you have a super cool voice)
You know I went to the DMV not too long ago…we don’t even have cubicles to visit – it’s just a long counter of judgment. Highed-up-on-crack-chic was in there – 6ft tall with platform shoes, Crystal Gayle hair…when she leaned over the counter her dress was soooo short, all the ladies gasped and the men started grinning…her panties were bright red. The black lady sitting behind me in the ever comfortable fold-out chairs, said, “Ah, hell-nah. I aint staring at this white girls bid’nez!” She jumped up and went talked to her…the girl started hitching her dress down and turned around in a big swooping fashion and apologized. (then she almost fell down) Then she asked the lady if she would go out to the parking lot and ask her boyfriend for 10 bucks because she didn’t have any money. The black lady told her she was crazy. but did it for her! (I was laughing my ass off).
Thanks for the kind words, Chicago Blanca!
Wow! That’s some DMV randomness; I’m sure I would have enjoyed the show. The thing that makes the story, of course, is not just that the crack afficianado (afficianada?) asked the lady to go talk to her boyfriend, but that she did it. The really sad thing is that the lady (I’m assuming) was afraid to ask her boyfriend. Or maybe she was just so high she couldn’t be bothered. I have no problems going to the DMV high, in fact, I prefer it, but there’s such a thing as TOO high.
She was definitely too high! But, ya know Smak, that was pretty darn perceptive of you…because I left about 20 mins later and went out to my car (they were parked close to me) and I could hear them arguing….
MAN, I wish I had seen that. You know you’ve had a good day when you’ve had the chance to slam some troll-like little mouth-breather at the DMV. And especially since as you said, your opportunities for contrived outrage aren’t as plentiful as they might be.
I’m generally a non-confrontational person when it’s not important. I wouldn’t call myself passive, per se, but I choose my battles. But yeah, it did feel good, because so often the response comes to my tongue, but I bite it back. 9 times out of 10 (AT LEAST!) this is a good thing.
I hope someone behind you in line applauded.
Sadly, no one else heard. In a way, it’s a perfect metaphor for the DMV though. Even if you go in with a crowd, you’re really alone. Terribly alone.
Why are all of these places the same? WHY? Is it because it’s not decorated in the right way? Is it the dingy thing that prompts depression? What the frig is it? “Feeder line” — you crack me up. OMG, I cannot believe this guy said this. I’m really sorry about your loss though.
And I mean that.
Thanks, Brigitte! I think they’re all the same because they’re bureaucratic systems; uniformity is convenient. I imagine the job attracts a certain kind of person, and moreover, I imagine that the corporate culture exerts its own influence.
Thanks for the kind words about my mom, Brigitte. It’s been seven years since she died, but her influence on me was profound, and I miss her every day. She never lived to see her grandchildren, but she would know my older boys instantly if she ran into them on the street, they look so much like her. My youngest does too, but it’s not as strikingly obvious.
Reblogged this on "You Jivin' Me, Turkey?" and commented:
HAHAHAHA! This Is TOTALLY Worth Checking-Out, My Peeps! You’ve Simply Gotta Give This Story A Listen! I Loved It! Hopefully You Will, Also. =D
-BRAD
Had To Give This One The Ole Reblog, RK.
I Loved It hehehe
Put A Smile On My Face That Had Been Missing All Day.
Much Appreciated, My Friend, Much Appreciated 🙂
-B.
Thanks for the reblog, Brad! And you know I’m happy when I can give someone a chuckle. (I originally typed “chunkle”, which sounds vaguely–and unappealingly–sexual).
This story sums up the unpleasantness of having to go the DMV. It’s one of those bureaucracies that defines pettiness. Hopefully a day will come when we can do everything DMV-related on line.
Amen to that! With the exception of driving tests, we should be able to do all that now. California (and I assume other states) has long had the “renew by mail” feature, so you’ll have 50 year old people who look 30 on their license.
I rather like that idea.