America's Funniest Home Videos, Arby's KFC, bad parents, Canada, denim diapers, do-nothings, fauxhawks, hillbillies, Hometown Trough, Indiana, methamphetamine, mullets, No Fear, places that suck, playing the lottery as an investment, professional wrestling, rednecks, Tapout, Two and a Half Men, United States of America, white trash, White Trash Diaspora, WTD, you got a real purty mouth
We totally get it. You’re damn proud of your white trash pedigree, and want to pass that culture on to the young’uns. Originally confined to the South and most parts of Indiana, the White Trash Diaspora (WTD) has spread throughout the 48 contiguous non-freak states and Canada. And with white trash mommas birthing larger litters every year, redneck cultural historians say it is more important than ever that this vital slice of American whitebread be “preserved for posterior.”
Maybe you think that as a parent, you’ve done everything you can to teach little Cody or Ashley about this proud legacy: exposing them to endless hours of TV, heavy on Two and a Half Men, America’s Funniest Home Videos, rasslin’ and fine reality programming; dressing them appropriately in No Fear and TapouT t-shirts, and taming their fauxhawks and mullets with bulk-bought gel; enjoying regular family dinners at Arby’s, The Hometown Trough, or for really special occasions, Dave & Busters. But ask yourself: in the face of cultural dilution, is this enough?
On the surface it may appear so. Sure, your toddler is a toothless, intolerant do-nothing who speaks incomprehensible English and lives off the charity of others–but can you guarantee he’ll stay that way?
Look–there are no guarantees in life. Despite an upbringing of rural squalor in a meth-rich environment lacking even the most basic amenities, there will always be those horror stories about kids who grow up with wild-eyed dreams of a better life. So while there’s no way to completely ensure that your boy will play football and not soccer, you can nevertheless stack the cards in your favor by starting when he’s young. May we suggest as a first step these ultra-boss denim diapers? Not only will they keep baby shit out of the carpet for a few hours, but Junior will look hella tough.
Adrienne schmadrienne said:
My you started smoking and drinking so early!
Well, you have to understand, it’s a cultural tradition. I’m a Lucky Lager & GPCs man, just like my daddy was before me. Or so I’m told, I’ve never actually met my daddy, although I’m acquainted with three or four of the potentials.
Second thoughts on the Miller Lite kid? Where’d the picture go? Just as well. It frightened me as much as the images I’ve seen of Mountain Dew in baby bottles. Oh well, nothing like a little tooth decay…
Actually, tooth decay is important to the WTD. Scientists believe that hilibillies identify one another by the distinctive contours of their crumbling teeth.
Did I just hear banjo music?
If’n you kin hear the banjo, it’s already too late fer you, Missy!
Well, I’s a guessin’ that if I don’t go snortin’ like a piggy, I’sll be okay.
Alex Autin said:
Damn Smak, you’re reminding me of my childhood….
Well, you’re not alone, Alex. Remember, people should write what they know.
We don’t have hillbillies in Canada, unless it’s [fill in the blank].
Rats. It’s not letting me insert an image. This will have to do.
Why can’t I “like” this post? Dammit, now I have to comment.
I like this post. Enough to exert myself to tell you so.
Thanks for the kind words, Sara–and especially for the extra effort to let us know. We really appreciate it!
Hahaha, you make me laugh Smaktakula. I have added you to my blogroll as payment for services rendered.
It now appears we’re in your debt, Bill–thanks!