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~ A Collection of Oddities Calculated to Amuse, Enlighten and Horrify.

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Monthly Archives: September 2012

Stupid, Slutty Blondes: Hate Humor We Can All Feel Good About

26 Wednesday Sep 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Politics, Stupidity

≈ 27 Comments

Tags

acceptable racism, Andrea Dworkin, blond is beautiful motherfuckers!, blond people, blond people are stupid, blondes, Daniel Craig, double standards, Ellen DeGeneres, hypocrisy, racism, Why am I so stupid?, Why are blondes so stupid?

By Smaktakula

Unfortunately, This Was Removed From The Shelves When It Was Discovered To Contain A Jewish Joke.

Q: Why Do Blondes Always Honk The Horn Three Times Before They Start Their Cars?

A: It Doesn’t Really Matter. The Joke Is Just A Vehicle To Get Across Our Point That Blond People Are Stupid And Slutty.

***

Can You Believe This Asshole Referred To Women As ‘Nappy Headed Hos?’ Talk About A Blonde Moment!

The myriad intricacies of the English language allow for a kind of magic.  We’ll demonstrate this through the following verbal feat, in which by the addition of a single adjective, we’ll transform a conversation-killing question into a social icebreaker.

We Don’t Know A Thing About Her, But We Can Tell She’s Not Very Smart. And A Whore.

Observe!

Don’t pop this question when you’re standing around the water cooler:

“Why is my dog smarter than a woman?”

“You Disgust Me.”

Try this one instead:

“Why is my dog smarter than a blond woman?”

“Ha! She Probably Had SEX With That Dog! Blonde Jokes Are Neither Racist Nor Misogynist, So It’s Okay To Laugh!”

***

Have you ever noticed how you can tell blonde jokes in any kind of company, but the moment you even suggest that blond-haired, blue-eyed people are examples of genetic perfection, the party suddenly goes quiet? Man, that is awkward.

This Is About A Right As Nature Gets It. Ladies, Are We Wrong?

What makes the gag funny is that blond people are so stupid and slutty. It’s not offensive, though–blond people laugh when we tell these jokes  ∞T.

These Things We Believe, Part The First

19 Wednesday Sep 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Philosophy

≈ 24 Comments

Tags

be happy, blaming the victim, fun with stereotypes, happiness, hockey, homeless people, it's akin to taking a shower while wearing a raincoat, mental illness, philanthropy, philosophy, poor grammar, Ralph Nader, time travel, United States of America, why am I so unhappy?

By Smaktakula

We Not Only Believe In The Sanctity Of Individual Opinion, But Believe That Everyone Should Feel That Way.

On Happiness

Around the world, millions–and perhaps more likely, billions–of people are unhappy. Curiously, this appears to be no less true in the United States of America, which, for all its recent travails still remains a relative land of plenty when compared to to the standard of living “enjoyed” by many of our fellow humans. It is strange that this should be so, not simply because of America’s aforementioned affluence, but because no other culture in history has invested so much of its time, energy and resources in an as-yet fruitless quest for contentment.

There exist a great many theories to explain the first-world despair experienced by so many Americans, but the true causes are likely myriad. The effects  of the nation’s increasingly frenetic rainbow-chase in search of fulfillment have been somewhat more tangible.

“School’s Out School’s Out / Teachers Let The Monkeys Out / One Was Jailed, One Prevailed / Both Asked God “How Have I Failed?”

As a consequence of this happiness deficit, two distinct, but inextricably-linked notions have become prevalent in the American psyche. The first is that unhappy people are somehow failures. The second, in typical, blame-the-victim fashion, contends that unhappy people are themselves responsible for the tragic emptiness in their lives.

Folks, we absolutely believe this. If you–who has so goddamn much–isn’t happy, then you are a failure. And your unhappiness? It’s your fault.¹

We’ll talk more about this later.

You Know You Want It.

***

We Know It Shouldn’t Matter, But…

We believe that if you’re telling someone a story about a dude named Leroy, and Leroy happens to be white, you need to apprise the listener of that fact early in the story. This will prevent the intracranial explosion which would otherwise occur when you say something like, “My buddy stood in line for fourteen hours to get us these playoff tickets, but you know Leroy–he’s crazy about hockey!”²

Likewise, If This Guy’s Name Is “Chip,” “Chase” or “Skippy,” You’ll Want To Devote A Little More Time To Exposition.

***

We Could Not Be More Serious About This

We believe that an inverse, but very powerful, relationship exists between how seriously someone takes himself and how seriously he should be taken.

Ralph Nader, Whose Tireless Nagging Saved Countless Lives By Forcing The Automotive Industry To Design Safer Automobiles, Is In Many Ways Like A Condom. Like The Love-Glove, This Humorless Crusader Has Made Contemporary Life Unquestionably Safer Than In Years Past , While Simultaneously Stripping From It Much Of The Sensation Which Makes A Thing Worth Doing.

***

Tardsie As A Patron Of The Arts

Tardsie writes:

One day, not long ago, when my boys and I were walking into town to get ice cream cones, we passed a homeless dude who chatted me up a little before asking for some change. He was friendly, and didn’t bother regaling me with some fantastic tale of hardship or earnest promises to use the money for saintly purposes (although I love a well-crafted tale), so I told him I’d get him on the way back.

My older boys are not quite five, and I gave them a dollar each to give to the dude as we passed him a second time–they got a kick out of that–and then we walked home eating our ice cream.

I didn’t really think twice about the encounter until I ran into the same homeless guy a few days later in the course of my own rambles about town. He told me he’d managed to scrape up enough cash to get his guitar out of hock. It turns out he plays beautifully.

We believe that was money well-spent.

This Might’ve Been The Guy, Actually.

***

Another Time-Travel Paradox³

We believe that when scientists finally manage to shatter the barriers to the 4th dimension, and time travel at last becomes a reality, its use will necessarily be confined to a select, responsible few. Due to the delicate, precise nature of the time-stream, its stewardship must be tasked to only the most conscientious, upright individuals.

And really, this is kind of a shame. With all the potential for using this technology irresponsibly to achieve godlike pinnacles of power and riches beyond all the dreams of avarice–along with power’s attendant benefits, such as more tail than one individual could bang in a lifetime–it seems an almost criminal waste to award it to such joyless sticks-in-the-mud.

Such An Awesome Power Must Never Be Entrusted To The Likes Of Us.

***

¹It should go without saying that we do NOT include in this assessment those individuals grappling with mental illness. We hold in high regard those folks saddled with conditions like clinical depression or who are bi-polar and yet bravely dust themselves off after each setback and gamely wade back into the fray. The courage implicit in your daily struggle outshines those instances of resolve in our own lives of which we are most proud; it is a beautiful and wondrous thing to witness. Be sure to take your meds. ∞ T.
² The genesis for this nugget of wisdom springs from a story my wife told me recently about a former co-worker of hers. However, in real life the instance of complete and total bafflement centered not around ice hockey, but country music.  ∞ T.
³ Grammar-ninnies and vocabuladorks will be quick to point out our improper use of the word paradox. Nothing’s being done to the word that hasn’t been done to ‘irony’ for years now, so keep your panties on. Yeah, we ended that with a preposition. So what? Down is not the direction in which we will be backing! ∞ T.

Headlines: 09.17.12

17 Monday Sep 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, Entertainment, Politics, Science, Sport, Stupidity

≈ 30 Comments

Tags

adoption, Al Gore, anti-semitism, Appalachia, Baltimore, Barack Obama, cannabis, Chicago, China, ChocoFührer, climate change, comical despots, dope, Electoral College, Frosted Mini-Wheats, grass, headlines, hemp, incest, Islam, Joe Blanton, losers, marijuana, Maryland, Michael Phelps, Mitt Romney, Modern Family, Mormons, morons, New York, NYPD, places that suck, reefer, Robert Mugabe, sea otters, sharks, sweet sweet cheeba, teacher's strike, Waltons, weed, white people, you got a real purty mouth, Zimbabwe

By Smaktakula

‘Cause You’ve Already Got The Job, Bro-Ski!

As the news articles of the day are so replete with unfamiliar words and challenging concepts, we’re happy simply to comment on the headlines.

***

Carrying these babies for my brother ~ Is considered taboo outside of Appalachia.

Gulag Reform: Will China Stop Sending Its Dissidents to Labor Camps?  ~ If you first ask yourself just what actions the global community has taken to discourage China’s illiberal ways, you can probably answer this one on your own.

The World’s Oldest Profession For Men ~ Hunter-gatherer.

Shuttle Endeavour embarking on new mission to Los Angeles museum ~ It’ll be the shuttle’s least dangerous and most boring mission to date!

Sea Otters To Combat Climate Change? ~ The working plan is for these adorable sea-weasels to smash climate change against their tummies with a rock.

A Great Many “Green” Initiatives Are Mostly About Looking Cute Anyway.

 Baltimore to immigrants: Welcome in, no questions asked ~ Well, someone’s got to live in that shithole. Why not someone who doesn’t know any better?

Romney assails Obama campaign on Akin, abortion ~ That’s a curious–and rather bold–strategy. But sometimes you’ve just got to turn into the skid, folks.

Muslim leaders are told NYPD spying in NJ ended ~ Civil libertarians praised the decision, saying that the Bill of Rights grants every citizen the right to plot the downfall of the Great Satan without said malefic supernatural entity breathing down his neck.

Michael Phelps spotted with girlfriend on red carpet ~ Do you sometimes wonder if we ever come up with a clever response which is in such cataclysmically rotten taste that even we refuse to use it? Wonder no longer, Friends!

The Weatherman Is Not a Moron ~ What? Sorry, that’s “Mormon.” The weatherman isn’t a Mormon. He certainly is a moron, though.

Dictators are only a couple of belly laughs from revolution ~ Successful dictators simply don’t get jokes.

Zimbabwe’s ChocoFührer Credits His Longevity To Being Terrifyingly Unfunny.

Who’s the monkey? ~ You are, fuck-face. We thought that since you asked, you really wanted to know.

Son, I Think We Know Why You’ve Been Having A Hard Time Getting A Date ~ It’s because you’re adopted. Ha ha! Your mom and I wracked our brains trying think of a funny way to tell you. Sorry, Son–I don’t know why you’re such a loser with the ladies–but I can tell you for sure that you didn’t get it from me!

The light, dark side of anti-Semitism ~ It’s a Frosted Mini-Wheat of intolerance!

Viral video: Sheep that screams like a human ~ It’s an a-a-a-a-a-bomin-a-a-a-a-tion.

Teachers’ Strike in Chicago Tests Mayor and Union ~ Since most of those folks were educated in the Chicago School District, unless someone feeds them the answers, they’re most likely gonna fail that test.

Al Gore calls for an end to the Electoral College ~ After all the Electoral College has done for him? Talk about an ingrate.

Although Regarded By Many As The Winner Of The 2000 US Presidential Election, Al Gore Has Thrown Himself Wholeheartedly Into His New Role As ‘Loser.’

What’s a $4000 Suit Worth? ~ A  € 3,097 suit, a kimono worth 311,025 Yen, or a filthy scrap of burlap with holes cut in it for 1,447,600 Zimbabwean Dollars.

Shark attack Paralympian pictures great white chasing him to win bronze ~ Considering what it cost you, if you had to do it again, do you think you’d picture that monster chasing you for at least a silver?

Opting Out of the ‘Rug Rat Race’ ~ Will put you in a much better position to succeed financially. This one isn’t a joke, people.

Who Is The Smallest Government Spender Since Eisenhower? Would You Believe It’s Barack Obama? ~ Nope. You don’t really believe that either.

If Joe Blanton likes boos, he’s pitching the right way ~ We’re pretty sure that he doesn’t dig the animus from fans at all, and that he just sucks ass.

‘The Waltons’ Meets ‘Modern Family’ ~ Not nearly as charming as we thought it would be. It ends with someone squealing like a pig, if you catch our drift.

“Now, Just What The Hell Do You Mean, ‘Goodnight, John Boy’? The Evening’s Still Young, Sweet-Ass, And You Look About As Juicy As A Freshwater Clam.”

Bill passes to keep mentally ill sex predators off streets ~ Violent sex-fiends do their best work indoors anyhow.

Banning weed is bad medicine ~ THANK YOU.

Girl found in NY lake clinging to dead body ~ Sure it’s icky, but keep in mind this happened in New York. The young woman used the water-logged corpse as a flotation device because her only other choices were a box of medical waste and another corpse.

Romney on healthcare, taxes ~ “Don’t need it, don’t pay ’em.”

The Biggest Innovations in the History of Food ~Sliced bread is often held up as a prime example.

Obama greeted with bear hug by pizza parlor owner ~ BREAKING NEWS: Local lunatic gunned down by Secret Service. Details after the break.

A Nice Sign Or A Friendly Wave Usually Work Best.

No Burnout For These Burnouts

13 Thursday Sep 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture

≈ 35 Comments

Tags

audiobooks ruin lives, burnouts, Information Revolution, lazy people, making excuses, outright lies, stump humping

By Smaktakula

We Meant “Burnout” As In ‘Lazy Stoner.’ No, Whatever This Guy’s Issues Were, He Was Definitely A Do-er.

One of the most paradigm-shifting developments of the Information Revolution has been often cacophonous proliferation of voices on the internet, from all walks of life and from the furthest reaches of the globe. Nowhere is this more apparent than in the blogosphere, where the informed and the uninformed alike have an equal voice and a platform from which they can not only shine the light of truth on the critical issues of the day, but also obfuscate those very same issues through a crippling and tragic idiocy, or simply take the middle path and make a bunch of shit up.

Artful Mendacity Requires Skill, Craftsmanship And Dedication. Truth Demands Only Honesty, And Any Idiot Can Do That.

It would seem there are as many different variety of blogs as there are people. From hard-hitting news to cookie-decorating tips; from photo galleries of painstakingly recreated and exquisitely detailed Smurf villages to erotic furry fan-fiction; from family-friendly stories about alpaca ranching to sites dedicated to poetry and short-fiction set in the world of amputee fetishism (‘stump humping’).

The Vagaries Of Human Sexuality Are Baffling, But Believe It Or Not, Some People Find Images Like This To Be Amputitillating.

But for all their variety, blogs can really be summed up into two very distinct categories: those which quickly peter out and those which don’t. All things end, but some things end earlier than others, and while everyone has something to say, it seems most people don’t have all that much. Usually these blogs simply end, with the mystery blogger sinking back into the vast anonymous internet soup from which he was first spawned. Occasionally, however, the soon-to-be-ex-blogger will post a final apologetic note blaming burnout.

This is not one of those posts. Don’t worry–as my high school teachers so often sought to remind me, I’m going nowhere.

We Don’t Plan To.

Lately I haven’t been around as much as I’d like. I’ve had to slightly reduce the frequency of my posts (which you probably haven’t noticed) and have been even more tardy than usual about reading and commenting on other sites (which you likely have). Friends, it’s not you, it’s me.

Don’t Get Excited Folks; We’re Not Going Anywhere.

Although I have on many occasions been described unflatteringly as a burnout, the unquenchable fountain of wrong-headed ideas still burbles implacably in the recesses of my brain, demanding that I give it voice. Moreover, with the precarious state of world affairs, it is no exaggeration to say that humanity more than ever needs Promethean Times’ unwavering message of positivity and love.

We’re Boiling Over With Hot, Sticky Affection. Is It So Wrong That We Want To Share It With You?

I understand this awesome responsibility, and take it seriously. However, as some of you already know, some career goals toward which I have been working over the past two years have begun rapidly to bear fruit, which has proved an unexpected (although by no means unwelcome) distraction. While it’s true that I am a man of a great many enviable talents, time-management is not among these, and has further confounded my efforts to engage with the greater blogging community.

Yeah, In The Same Way Smart People Love The Illiterate Folks Who Fry Up Their Burgers.

Since I don’t plan to go anywhere, you may wonder why I mention this at all. You’ll still see regular posts on Promethean Times, and although I’ll continue to be among the last to comment both here and on other sites, you’ll still see me hanging around your blogs like a pervert skulking behind the elementary school at 3:00 PM.  The reason I’m telling you this now is so that I can stop fucking apologizing for my late comments.

Much love.

You May Not See Us Around Quite As Much, But We See You. And When You Least Expect It, We’ll Reach Out To Touch You In A Very Personal Way.

Bald Can Be Beautiful

11 Tuesday Sep 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, Entertainment

≈ 33 Comments

Tags

breast cancer, Britney Spears, cancer, crazy people, Kellie Pickler, Miss You Mom

By Smaktakula

The world fell in love with singer Kellie Pickler when she shaved her head to highlight breast cancer awareness.

See? Bald Can Be Beautiful.

And we don’t disagree. Given the vapid, superficial nature of the entertainment industry, Pickler’s statement is indeed brave. And for those who have lost a loved one to cancer, the singer is a reminder of that person’s courageous struggle.

So who doesn’t love Kellie Pickler?

This chick:

“Die, Bitch! Die!”

***

Words We Live By

07 Friday Sep 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Entertainment, History

≈ 24 Comments

Tags

America--Fuck Yeah!, Bob Dylan, Cormac McCarthy, Edgar Lee Masters, Friederich Nietzsche, Les Miserables, No Country For Old Men, Pearl Harbor, Primo Levi, quotations, Richard Adams, Salman Rushdie, Spoon River Anthology, Survival in Auschwitz, the Exodus, the Greatest Generation, The Ground Beneath Her Feet, The Reivers, Thus Spoke Zarathustra, Victor Hugo, Watership Down, William Faulkner, Winston Churchill, You Jivin' Me Turkey?

By Tardsie

You Won’t Find The Really Good Ones In Here.

We very much appreciate a piece of well-expressed wisdom. For this reason among so many others, we have continued to compile over the years a collection of quotations which not only inspire us, but inform the philosophy which has thus far guided us through a life which has been pretty damn awesome.

Taking our inspiration from Bad Brad, the eccentrically eclectic force behind You Jivin’ Me Turkey?, who never fails to find powerfully affecting–and largely unfamiliar–quotations, we’d like to start your weekend with some of the passages that figure most centrally in our own lives. And just as our lives are improved in some measure by the unexpected wisdom curated by folks like Brad, we hope that you will find something in what follows which speaks to your own journey. Have a great weekend, folks!

This Is An Actual Photo Of Brad. He Has A Condition Which Makes Him Look Like An Animated Character. Don’t Make Fun.

***

The Big Questions

For what is it all but being hatched,
And running about the yard,
To the day of the block?
Save that a man has an angel’s brain,
And sees the ax from the first!
Edgar Lee Masters

The Difference Between The Two Of You Is That You See The End Coming. So Why Not Live It The Best You Can?

The supreme happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved.
Victor Hugo

***

There Is No Ordinary Life

And like a dying star is every work of your virtue: its light is always still on its way and it wanders —  And when will light no longer be on its way?  Thus the light of your virtue is still on its way even when the work has been done.  Though it be forgotten and dead, the ray of its light still lives and wanders.  That your virtue is your self and not something foreign, a skin, a cloak, that is the truth from the foundation of your soul, you who are virtuous.
Friedreich Nietzsche

***

People don’t like being around despair.  Our tolerance for the truly hopeless, for those who are irremediably broken by life, is strictly limited.  The sob stories we like are the ones that end before we’re bored.  I understood that I had good and true friends in these three men, that it was all for one and one for all and these were my musketeers.  I also saw that I needed to behave better for their sakes.  I had become their nagging toothache, their dose of gut-rot, their ulcer.  I needed to get better before they decided to cure themselves of me.
If friendship is a fuel, the supply of it is not endless.
Salman Rushdie

***

I knew growing up that I wanted to do something different than anybody else.  I wanted to do something that no one else did or could do, and I wanted to do it better than anyone else had.  I didn’t know where that was going to lead me, but where it did lead me was to folk music at a time when it was totally off the radar screen.
Bob Dylan

***

Meeting Adversity

Defeat is one thing; disgrace is another.
Winston Churchill

The Main Reason Winston Churchill Was Able To Achieve Renown As One Of History’s Greatest Englishmen Was That He Was Half-American.

A gentleman can live through anything.  He faces anything.  A gentleman accepts the responsibility of his actions and bears the burden of their consequences, even when he did not himself instigate them but only acquiesced to them, didn’t say No though he knew he should.
William Faulkner

***

I’m determined to stand whether God will deliver me or not.
Bob Dylan

***

Strange, how in some way one always has the impression of being fortunate, how some chance happening, perhaps infinitesimal, stops us crossing the threshold of despair and allows us to live.
Primo Levi

So Buck Up, Pussy!

You Can’t Know Everything, And Why Would You Want To?

And Frith called after him, ‘El-ahrairah, your people cannot rule the world, for I will not have it so.  All the world will be your enemy, Prince with a Thousand Enemies, and wherever they catch you, they will kill you.  But first they must catch you, digger, listener, runner, prince with the swift warning.  Be cunning and full of tricks and your people will never be destroyed.’
Richard Adams

We Always Thought Watership Down Was About A Bunch Of Rabbits.

For My Grandfather, Who Lucked Out Of Pearl Harbor And Felt Like A Fraud For It

I didn’t know you could steal your own life.  And I didn’t know that it would bring you no more benefit than about anything else you might steal.  I think I done the best with it I knew how, but it still wasn’t mine.  It never has been.
Cormac McCarthy

We Know That Forgiving Yourself Was Never Going To Happen. Remember, Though–For Those Who Loved You, It Wasn’t A Betrayal But A Miracle.

And yes, we know the title of this post should more properly be written ‘The Words By Which We Live,’ but that sounds stuffy. Grammar nerd. ∞T.

Life-Changing Literature: Gross Jokes

06 Thursday Sep 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Entertainment, Stupidity

≈ 37 Comments

Tags

9/11, Forever, fun with stereotypes, Great Books of the Western Tradition, Gross Jokes, inappropriate humor, Jesus, Judy Blume, Julius Alvin, Miss You Mom, Pearl Harbor, the Bible, Twins

By Tardsie

Some Humor Doesn’t Mean To Be Inappropriate, It Just Is.

After the King James Bible and Judy Blume’s Forever, which respectively served as the imprimatur for my troubling moral rigidity and taught me everything I needed to know about sex, no book has exerted quite so profound an impact on my development as has Julius Alvin’s indispensible compendium, Gross Jokes.

We Read It In The Fifth Grade, But It Would Be Years Before We Could Put Its Teachings To Good Use.

This delightful piece of Americana is a relic of a bygone age.  Its anachronistic offensiveness harkens back to an era in which the culture hadn’t yet discovered its inner pussy or began to counter the messy inclusiveness of wide-ranging speech with an antiseptic circumspection and a compulsion for self-censorship bordering on mania. Nowadays, the list of lifestyles and affiliations which can be safely mocked has dwindled to near-insignificance.

It’s Still Safe To Kick The Mormons, Though. What Are They Always So Happy About, Anyway? Fucking Weirdos.

Gross Jokes is, if not a breath of fresh air in these stuffy times, then at least a pungent fart in society’s plastic-lined cleanroom. Dedicated to Helen Keller (she’ll apparently be reading the audio version, which has been re-titled Y34jk3k Bdkddd for the occasion), and with chapter headings such as Revolting Racial and Ethnic Jokes, Vulgar Cripple Jokes, Indecent Religious Jokes, Foul Homosexual Jokes, Lewd Senior Citizen Jokes and Simply Disgusting, Gross Jokes is clearly something special.

Is This Really How We Want To Live?

Very few of the jokes contained in this volume are suitable for print even in these pages. It is a testament to the power of Gross Jokes that a significant portion of its contents offends even our attenuated sense of propriety. However, to give you an idea of the range and beauty of this masterwork, we present the following excerpts:

***

Why are just-deflowered virgins like the warships in Pearl Harbor after the Japanese bombing?
Because their cock-pits are full of bloody semen.

Yeah, We’ve Sullied It For You. Whatever–9/11’s Our Big National Tragedy Now, Anyway.

***

A man called his friend in the middle of the night and said, “Fred, I’m really worried about Mary. She wasn’t here when I got home from work and I still haven’t heard from her. And you know how depressed she gets at times since her mastectomy.”
Fred tried to reassure him. “Maybe she’s just visiting a friend.”
“I doubt it,” the man said glumly. “She left her tits here.”

We Made A Lot Of Friends With That One, Huh?

***

What do you do with dead baby twins?
Use one to swat the flies swarming around the other.

Just Think Of All The Heartache Inflicted On Parents By LIVING Instances Of This Genetic Anomaly.

***

Judy Blume, Jesus & Julius Alvin: Now Do You Better Understand Both The Nature And Depth Of Our Sickness?

Headlines: The Real Secret Of Our Success

04 Tuesday Sep 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, News, Politics

≈ 25 Comments

Tags

Adolf Hitler, American Airlines, Anaheim Angels, Barack Obama, Boston Red Sox, breastuses, childish sexual innuendo, Detroit, dope, grass, headlines, hemp, HURRR!, Kanye West, Katie Holmes, Kim Kardashian, Latinos, marijuana, Mitt Romney, muslims, pot, Prince Harry, prostitution, Rally Monkey, reefer, Serena Williams, Sikhs, sweet sweet cheeba, Tom Cruise, Venus Williams, weed

By Smaktakula

He’ll Go Halfsies With You On Gas. But For Your Own Sanity, Avoid The Topic Of Non-Aryan Drivers.

In which we comment on the headlines without first reading the articles.

***

The Task in Tampa: Reintroducing Romney ~ Hey–we know social situations can sometimes be awkward. Just put your brave face on, go out there and say, “Hi there folks–I think you remember me, I’m Mitt Romney.” That’s all there is to it.

MMA Fighter Found Naked in Church ~ Witnesses wisely observed from a safe distance until the man wandered off on his own.

TV’s Top 5 Racist Shows ~ #3 is ’60 Minutes.’ Who knew?

Did Your Ancestor Date a Neanderthal? ~ It depends on who you ask. Throgga says that yes, they were boyfriend/girlfriend, but according to Grandpa, they were simply buddies “with an understanding.”

Introducing the Los Angeles Red Sox ~ Why not? LA already has no shortage of crimson-capped carpetbaggers.

Just The Sight Of The Fucking Rally Monkey Sends A Sexual Thrill Through The Collective Heart Of Assface Nation.

Opinion: Is America Ready for a Rich White Man As President? ~Isn’t it time that the elites had a say in how this country is run?

Go-cart chase ends in man’s arrest ~ Tonight, on your local FOX station: World’s Least-Dignified Police Chases.

‘Too High to Fail’ ~ It’s this notion that gives Smaktakula the confidence to get through his day.

Prostitutes add to mayor’s woes ~ Whoops! Typo. Instead of ‘woes’ that should say ‘hos.’ Make more sense now?

Giving teen moms the tools to change their lives ~ Since time-travel has yet to be perfected, here’s a coat-hanger.

What’s So Bad About a Boy Who Wants to Wear a Dress? ~ It’s just that somebody has to tell him he’ll never be able to wear a pencil skirt with an ass like that.

If This Is Comedy, Does That Mean It’s Okay To Laugh At Cross-Dressers? Jeez–Sorry, We Were Just Asking.

‘Honey Boo Boo’: That Joke Isn’t Funny Anymore ~ It’s black humor, though. It’s funny as hell, just not “ha ha” funny, y’know?

Old dude runs down bicyclist ~ Or, ‘Tuesday Afternoon in Coral Gables.”

Man locks self in airplane cockpit ~ Turns out he’s the pilot. Sorry for wasting your time like that.

Why are Sikhs targeted by anti-Muslim extremists? ~ They’re targeted by anti-Sikh extremists. What? So all psychotic extremists look alike to you, is that it? Listen, just because a dude has a monster truck, a Confederate Flag tattoo and a smile that’s more Skoal than tooth-enamel doesn’t mean he’s an anti-Muslim extremist. He could be an antisemitic extremist or one of the myriad genocidal fringe-dwellers that comprise this rich and storied culture. The point is, you just don’t know.

If Obama Really Wants To Reduce Troop Suicides, There’s A Better Option ~ Extricate ourselves from soul-crushing foreign wars. What, too easy?

Is Kanye West Controlling Kim Kardashian? ~ No doubt he is. But someone has to so that the poor girl isn’t left with her mouth hanging open, pissing all over the rug.

“HURRRRRRR!”

American Airlines gives more than 200 flight attendants jobs back 11 years later ~ They call ’em the ‘Air Hags’ now.

Ricardo Rodriguez, WWE Star, Gets Speeding Ticket –And did you hear? Luis Mendoza of the Kansas City Royals got his teeth cleaned!

Univision Chief Protests Lack Of Latino Voices ~ We’re pretty certain he didn’t make this statement while riding public transportation anywhere in Southern California.

“I Wish My Mother Had Aborted Me” ~ In this, you are not alone.

Romney tells supporters how dad got free McDonald’s for life ~ By claiming to find a rat’s leg in his Chicken McNuggets.

Breaking: Venus and Serena Williams are in really good shape ~ Will their example help tennis finally shed its image as a sport for great big fatsos?

Fatty Here Has More Chins Than The Shanghai White Pages.

Katie Holmes Is Getting Very Little From Tom Cruise ~ Which is why she divorced him.

Prince Harry in naked photo scandal ~ So do we go with a “Staff of Nobility” joke or the more pedestrian “Crown Jewels?” Ha! Neither. Sadly, the public is now aware of the terrible price that royal inbreeding has exacted from Harry; he has a club penis.

Detroit man excels at beating carnival games ~ And since he possesses the most useful, non-criminal skill in all the Motor City, we made him the mayor!

What We’ve Come to: About Half of Retired People in the U.S. Die with Less Than $10,000 in Financial Assets ~ Because it apparently matters how much money you have when you’re dead.

Men, Who Needs Them? ~ Do you think you could survive in a world of unopened jars?

What Will You Use These For After The Kids Are Weaned?

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