Tags
Barack Obama, Beach Boys, cannibalism, David Viens, Ehud Barak, Gangam Style, Gaza, hazing, headlines, Paul McCartney, Smaktakula's distrust of short people, the cult-like devotion accorded to Steve Jobs by effete Mac users, Van Halen, Wings
By Smaktakula
We Admire Your Indefatigability, But It’s Been Almost Twenty-Six Years. He’s Gone.
In which we comment on the headlines of the day without first bothering to read the stories.
***
Money lessons from a lifelong teacher ~ If this guy knew the first thing about money, he would have chosen a more lucrative profession.
When Mommy writes naughty books ~ Mommy is an award-winning writer of erotic fiction. And a whore.
Chef David Viens convicted of killing, cooking wife ~ Most damning, several of the guests complained that Viens’ signature flambé d’Rhonda in white plumb sauce was both insipid and jejune, and moreover, that the chef’s bizarre pairing of a 1992 Mouton was not at all complimentary.
16 Ways Your Trash Could be Your Treasure ~ And 16,000,000 ways it’s not.
14-Year-Old Charged with Killing Newborn Son and Hiding in Shoebox ~ Please be on the lookout for this suspect. He’s armed, dangerous and very, very tiny.
After Being So Ill-Used By The Almighty, It’s Only Natural That Runtiness Should Lead To Evil.
Illinois mom stabs son, little girl 150 times to ‘get back’ at husband: cops ~ What happened to just sleeping with his boss?
A Yiddish ‘Gangnam Style’? ~ Hey now–that’s not kosher.
For Perpetrators and Victims, Suppressing Temptation of College Hazing Rituals ~ What’s the point in belonging to something if just anyone can join? You’ve got to weed out the weaklings, folks.
Steve Jobs Is Not Dead ~ Yeah, but really, he is.
At Cat Video Film Festival, Stars Purr for Close-Ups ~ We go every year. Oh, we’re not into cats so much as we are pathetically lonely ladies in knit sweaters. That and the sweet tang of urine.
Beach Boys break up again — Brian Wilson, 2 others, forced out ~ That makes all the sense of kicking Paul McCartney out of Wings.
We Were Gonna Say ‘Like Kicking Eddie Out Of Van Halen,” But That Doesn’t Really Matter Anymore, Does It?
Storm was cruel to elderly who refused to evacuate ~ Wait–you did say ‘refused,’ right? Sometimes there’s a thin line between cruelty and comedy.
Couple says baby decapitated during delivery ~ So maybe Mom should ease up a little on those Kegel exercises.
Woman who shot boyfriend said she was giving him ‘nose job’: detective ~ Is that a joke? If so, they should let her go. That’s pretty funny.
Boy Accidentally Dropped Tot from Window Trying to Impress Mom, Sources Say ~ Sadly, he only succeeded in making an impression in the sidewalk.
Where are all the millennial feminists? ~ Giving daddy a nice foot-rub.
Gaza crisis: Israel’s Barak calls up army reservists ~ No way! Now Israel has its own Barack? Next thing you know, the French are gonna be trotting out their version, “Baracque.”
The Chinese Will Copy Anything. He’s Ours, Damn It!
How to Have an Orgasm ~ You know, most people figure that one out all by themselves.
Help! My Daughter Is an Introvert ~ The realization can be painful, we know. But with help–and a lot of love–there’s no reason your daughter can’t live a comparatively normal life. Remember, the world needs librarians.
Whale tried to ‘speak’ in human voice ~ It was promptly burned at the stake by horrified townsfolk.
An Overwhelmed Mother’s Departure Memo ~ MEATLOAF IN FRIGE FRIDGE HEAT ON HI 3 MIN LOVE YOU–HOMEWORK!!!
10 Fun Facts You Didn’t Know About Lesbians ~ Fact #3: About 85% of lesbians say they enjoy eating pizza.
Cambodia Is Seeking 2nd Statue ~ Ha ha. You’re a poor country.
We Were Led To Believe That They Had Tons Of Statuary. See? History Is Nothing But A Pack Of Filthy Lies!
Ukraine’s Elections: A Unique Kind of Democracy ~ It’s unique in that it isn’t very democratic.
What Would Abraham Lincoln Do? ~ He’d start a fucking Civil War, that’s what he’d do! What–was Jesus busy or something?
Kim Jong-Un is a dictator says his teenage nephew ~ Oh REARRY? Suh-suh-stop the puh-presses, Ben Bradree, kuh-’cause it rooks rike we got ourserves a rittre suh-suh-suh-scoop!
What If Hurricane Sandy Had Slammed Miami? ~ It would go a long way toward alleviating the Social Security crisis.
Navy removes ship’s command after boozy port visit ~ We’re not sure that sends the right message. Perhaps we shouldn’t shatter the mystique of the finest maritime fighting force the world has ever known. If you take away drunkenness, whores and fistfights, it’s just a bunch of dudes on a boat.
“Christ, This Is Lame…Anybody Want To Have Sex?”
Promethean Times 
Thank You, Dude! I So Needed A Perking-Up, Especially Today, And This Was The Perfect Solution! These Always Make Me Giggle To The Point Of Near Collapse OR Urination OR Both. It’s Much Much Appreciated, Dude.
You Know Exactly How To Tickle Ye Ole Funny-Bone, Fo SHO!
-B.
Glad to hear it, Brad! Thanks as always for the kind words!
I Say What I Feel, My Friend. And Your Work Never Fails At Perking Up A Seemingly Unperkupable Day.
I Look Forward To Your Posts Because They Get My Mind Away From The Depressing Nature Of My Own Work And Allows Me To Relish In Something Positive AND Fun.
The Kind Words Aren’t Intended As Such. They’re Just My Honest Reactions Of What I’ve Read.
I Love You Work.
It Speaks To Me So So Well.
It Makes Me Happen, Even When Being Happy Seems So Distant And Far Away.
You’ve Saved My Mental/Emotional State Many A Tome. This Post Is A Shining Example Of That 🙂
Well, damn, dude–you’ve made my day!
Naturally, as an introvert myself, I had to click open the link for the “Help! My Daughter Is an Introvert” headline. After reading it, one would think introverts are a species unto themselves. I ask you, are we not human? Do we not bleed?
“Hath not an introvert eyes? If you lock us in the basement with a book are we not perfectly happy?”
Listen to the wise man. He speaketh the truth.
we bleed …painfully so.
We do, indeed.
And just because the normals want to ‘toughen you up’ a little, that somehow makes us bullies?
Oh, but you are mistaken, my friend. We introverts are tough as nails. How do you think we’ve survived all these years?
I thought it was ’cause you’re smart and good at hiding.
Well, that, too.
( and librarians are really forced to be more social than you think… gack.)
Librarians are kinda hot, though. All that sternness and shushing. Yow!
laughing. Yea yea.. my husband likes a good shushing 🙂 What is the deal with that little idea about librarians anyways?
This is true. They need to interact with all those Chatty Cathys who can’t keep their voices down.
my evil eye gets them to shut their yaps pretty good 🙂
That works with my sons, too. Which is good, considering one is 6’1″.
ahh the mom look..:) is he done growing? yikes
Well, he’s 15, so there’s still potential for more. 🙂
It’s very likely. It slows down considerably once the voice changes completely, but a tall dude will stretch out a bit into college.
A ‘yikes’ for 6’1? How about a hooray for escaping the event horizon of averageness and hitting the 73 inch mark where begins true tallness.
And yes, most likely he will continue growing. Carrie has mentioned (I believe) that he’s a teen. Boys stop growing later than girls. I stopped around 21 or 22.
I would have no doubt fallen afoul of that evil eye. In my school days a slight hearing impairment coupled with a resonant voice were the gasoline, and my mind-boggling inability to shut my fucking mouth were the match. In college, this delightful cocktail of jackassery was rendered perfect by my chronic intoxication.
I’m better now.
jackassery- I quite like that word and I quite like you 🙂
Thank you very much!
Reblogged this on "You Jivin' Me, Turkey?" and commented:
One Of My Favorite Pieces To Lend My Rebloggin’ing Power To. Since My Work Has Been A Bit Depressing…
…I’ve Decided To Combat That With Pure Comedic GOLD!
Enjoy, My Peeps!
I’m Sure Smak Would Be Proud, Fo SHO!
-B.
My God, man. I’ve been laughing my ass off so much reading this, I can hardly type. Can’t even choose a favorite one this time.
You’re awesome, man
Bill
Thanks, Bill! I get a real kick out of writing these, but like I said to Brad, it’s a lovely feeling to make somebody laugh. I appreciate it.
That was great! Your brain has a great twist and I enjoyed the read. It must take some time to gather all those headlines. Your quips make it.
Thanks so much! The headline gathering isn’t terribly difficult, since I do it over the course of days or even weeks (the ‘headlines of the day’ thing may be misleading). I select the headline sometimes long before I have the joke. Sometimes you just KNOW something funny’s in there, even if you don’t know exactly what it is.
Smak – you turned out a great one today! Just all so funny. The only mistake I made was actually reading the article about the teen that killed her baby and put it in a shoe box – that my friend was freaking sick!
Thanks, Chicago Blanca!
Yeah, it boggles the mind how people can do some things. It seems sometimes like things are getting worse, like people are devolving, and while that may very well be the case, I think our constant media access adds to the feeling that venal, cruel stupidity is an epidemic.
The weather has been gloomy as a gloomy hell here, so this was a welcomed read.
Thanks! We had the same weather here, so I know of what you speak. But didn’t your time in the PNW inure you to the effects of the gray?
It’s true, but I had nice weather once we got back, so I’d forgotten the gloom.
Steve Job’s dead? “No, no, no, no. He’s outside looking in.”
Plastic surgery taken to the extreme, I that girl’s way.
kegel exercises.. I had to stop reading I was laughing so hard.. haaaaaaaaaaaaaa
These two thoughts popped into my head:
When Mommy writes naughty books … it’s best not to be hiding under the bed.
and
Beach Boys break up again — Brian Wilson, 2 others, forced out… join Boney M.
Good as always.
Christ, these are funny. I just read them to Mr. Weebles and he laughed himself silly too. His favorite one was your comment about the Cambodians. My favorite is the one about the decapitated baby. Honestly, I thought I’d pee, I laughed so hard. (I didn’t, but I thought I might.)
I’m gratified by the number of times people mention urinary incontinence in conjunction with The Headlines. Thank you and thank Mr. Weebles too!