By Smaktakula

In which we comment on the headlines of the day without first bothering to read the stories.

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Money lessons from a lifelong teacher ~ If this guy knew the first thing about money, he would have chosen a more lucrative profession.

When Mommy writes naughty books ~ Mommy is an award-winning writer of erotic fiction. And a whore.

Chef David Viens convicted of killing, cooking wife ~ Most damning, several of the guests complained that Viens’ signature flambé d’Rhonda in white plumb sauce was both insipid and jejune, and moreover, that the chef’s bizarre pairing of a 1992 Mouton was not at all complimentary.

16 Ways Your Trash Could be Your Treasure ~ And 16,000,000 ways it’s not.

14-Year-Old Charged with Killing Newborn Son and Hiding in Shoebox ~ Please be on the lookout for this suspect. He’s armed, dangerous and very, very tiny.

Illinois mom stabs son, little girl 150 times to ‘get back’ at husband: cops ~ What happened to just sleeping with his boss?

A Yiddish ‘Gangnam Style’? ~ Hey now–that’s not kosher.

For Perpetrators and Victims, Suppressing Temptation of College Hazing Rituals ~ What’s the point in belonging to something if just anyone can join? You’ve got to weed out the weaklings, folks.

Steve Jobs Is Not Dead ~ Yeah, but really, he is.

At Cat Video Film Festival, Stars Purr for Close-Ups ~ We go every year. Oh, we’re not into cats so much as we are pathetically lonely ladies in knit sweaters. That and the sweet tang of urine.

Beach Boys break up again — Brian Wilson, 2 others, forced out ~ That makes all the sense of kicking Paul McCartney out of Wings.

Storm was cruel to elderly who refused to evacuate ~ Wait–you did say ‘refused,’ right? Sometimes there’s a thin line between cruelty and comedy.

Couple says baby decapitated during delivery ~ So maybe Mom should ease up a little on those Kegel exercises.

Woman who shot boyfriend said she was giving him ‘nose job’: detective ~ Is that a joke? If so, they should let her go. That’s pretty funny.

Boy Accidentally Dropped Tot from Window Trying to Impress Mom, Sources Say ~ Sadly, he only succeeded in making an impression in the sidewalk.

Where are all the millennial feminists? ~ Giving daddy a nice foot-rub.

Gaza crisis: Israel’s Barak calls up army reservists ~ No way! Now Israel has its own Barack? Next thing you know, the French are gonna be trotting out their version, “Baracque.”

How to Have an Orgasm ~ You know, most people figure that one out all by themselves.

Help! My Daughter Is an Introvert ~ The realization can be painful, we know. But with help–and a lot of love–there’s no reason your daughter can’t live a comparatively normal life. Remember, the world needs librarians.

Whale tried to ‘speak’ in human voice ~ It was promptly burned at the stake by horrified townsfolk.

An Overwhelmed Mother’s Departure Memo ~ MEATLOAF IN FRIGE FRIDGE  HEAT ON HI 3 MIN LOVE YOU–HOMEWORK!!!

10 Fun Facts You Didn’t Know About Lesbians ~ Fact #3: About 85% of lesbians say they enjoy eating pizza. 

Cambodia Is Seeking 2nd Statue ~ Ha ha. You’re a poor country.

Ukraine’s Elections: A Unique Kind of Democracy ~ It’s unique in that it isn’t very democratic.

What Would Abraham Lincoln Do? ~ He’d start a fucking Civil War, that’s what he’d do! What–was Jesus busy or something?

Kim Jong-Un is a dictator says his teenage nephew ~ Oh REARRY? Suh-suh-stop the puh-presses, Ben Bradree, kuh-’cause it rooks rike we got ourserves a rittre suh-suh-suh-scoop!

What If Hurricane Sandy Had Slammed Miami? ~ It would go a long way toward alleviating the Social Security crisis.

Navy removes ship’s command after boozy port visit ~ We’re not sure that sends the right message. Perhaps we shouldn’t shatter the mystique of the finest maritime fighting force the world has ever known. If you take away drunkenness, whores and fistfights, it’s just a bunch of dudes on a boat.