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~ A Collection of Oddities Calculated to Amuse, Enlighten and Horrify.

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Monthly Archives: January 2011

No Rice For You!

31 Monday Jan 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

African-Americans, American mothers, Amy Chua, Asians of other than Chinese descent, bad parents, black people, childhood, China, Chinese mothers, cultural elitism, demanding parents, foot-binding, horrible jobs, infanticide, Latinos, Native Americans, parenting, preference for males in Chinese culture, racism, roundeyes, sacrificing youth, sinosuperiority, smug parents, superior mothers, sweatshops, tedium, thanks a lot mom, United States of America, Wall Street Journal, white people

By Smaktakula

Raise Your Hand If Yours Is A Life Of Joyless Tedium.

If you’ve been a student in any multi-ethnic society during the last twenty years, you may have noticed a particular scholastic trend among Asian students.  They do better than you.  Like most people, you probably figured that the Asian kids were simply smarter.  While such an intellectual disparity may be possible–even likely, it only tells half the story.  The secret to the Asian kid’s success isn’t simply her own intelligence, but that her parents are wildly superior to your lame-ass mom and dad.

The Chinese Way: Efficient, But Never At The Cost Of Human Dignity.

Or so says Amy Chua. Writing recently in the Wall Street Journal, Chua argues for the superiority of Chinese parenting, whose techniques she employs in her own parenting.  The author happily boasts about regimenting her daughters’ lives, gleefully excising any activity which does not contribute directly toward a Harvard matriculation.  Unlike lazy roundeye parents who place an inordinate value upon their children’s happiness and ability to control their own destinies, superior Chinese parents do things just a little bit differently.  The only real difference between an Americanized child and one of Chua’s hyper-achievers is that the loafing yankee gets to have sleepovers, play a musical instrument other than the piano or violin, have unstructured free time and to participate in the various carefree activities which constitute a normal childhood.

Sure, Why WOULDN'T She Thank You, Mom?

As might be expected, Ms. Chua’s opinions are not shared by everyone.  Many lackluster white, Latino, black and Asian-of-other-than-Chinese-descent mothers* take exception to Chua’s smarmy critique of their parenting.

Chua is dismissive of the idea that her behavior will cause her daughters to one day resent her.  “They already resent me.  I resent my mother, and she her mother before her.  But as long as my girls graduate first in their class at Harvard and enter into a loveless power marriage, I’ll be satisfied.”  When asked what would make her truly happy, Chua said, “Happiness is for chumps.”

Some observers note that Ms. Chua has not been completely honest when she claims to have raised her daughter in the traditional Chinese method.  For example, it appears her daughters can walk without difficulty, indicating that Chua has likely eschewed the ancient tradition of foot-binding.  Moreover, that the author has two daughters seems to fly in the face of her claims.  In traditional Chinese culture the young ladies would have been drowned at birth, preserving the family’s precious resources for a much-more valuable boy child.

Who's The Man?

*No data exists on the relative laziness of Native American mothers. ∞T.

This Day In History: January 28, 1986 CE

28 Friday Jan 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, History

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

1986, astronauts, Challenger Disaster, Challenger Explosion, Christa McAuliffe, death by explosion, death by Space Shuttle, in poor taste, inappropriate humor, January 2, NASA, National Aeronautics and Space Administration, O-Ring, Smaktakula once knew a girl whom people called "O-Ring", space disaster, Space Shuttle, Space Shuttle Challenger, spacecraft, teacher in space, this day in history, too soon?, tragedies, United States of America, we feel dirty

On which Christa McAuliffe’s bid to become the first teacher in space comes abruptly apart in a ghastly shower of punchlines.

"An O-Ring? Is That Some Kind Of Sex Toy?"

“What does THIS button do?”

“Yeah, one blew this way and the other blew that way.”

“No, Bud Light.”

“Two in the front seat, three in the back and seven in the ashtray.”

“Her Head & Shoulders washed up on the beach.”

“Need Another Seven Astronauts.”

“Yeah, but now she’s history.”

“Oops.”

Too soon?

Things With Religious Sounding Names Are Cool

26 Wednesday Jan 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Religion, Science

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Biblical names, insects, JAMC, Jerusalem Cricket, Jesus and Mary Chain, Jesus Jones, Jesus Lizard, Jesus of Nazareth, Judas Iscariot, Judas Tree, Religion, sea of Galilee, the redemptive powers of the JAMC, things with religious names, treachery, walking on water

By Smaktakula

Observe:

The Judas Tree: The World's Most Treacherous Flora.

The Jesus And Mary Chain Has Saved Smaktakula's Soul On More Than One Occasion.

The Jerusalem Cricket: Our Favorite Insect.

The Jesus Lizard Is So Freaking Cool That It Walks On Water. However, If You Kill It, It Stays Dead.

It doesn’t always work:

Jesus Jones: Not So Much.

Silky Shark A Victim Of Bad PR

25 Tuesday Jan 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Science

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

anxiety, aquatic creatures, barracuda, bull shark, great hammerhead, great white shark, hammerhead shark, Jaws, lame sharks, leopard shark, maneaters, phobias, public relations, Shark Week, sharks, silky shark, Steve Irwin, tiger shark, underachieving sharks

By Smaktakula

These days, beachgoers have a great many anxieties.  Thanks to movies like Jaws and the annual awesomeness that is Shark Week, bathers know the carnage which can be unleashed in an eyeblink by the likes of a great white, bull shark or tiger shark.  Steve Irwin taught us that even semi-sharks can be dangerous.  Some people are even on the lookout for barracuda.

Unlike The Silky, The Great White Has Nothing To Prove.

These aquatic fears notwithstanding, no one seems to fear the silky shark.  This despite the occasionally aggressive creature’s heavily-muscled body and powerful jaws.  The shark’s soft-sounding name almost certainly has something to do with its lack of reputation.  Silky seems more reminiscent of the tagline for a ladies’ razor commercial than a fearsome would-be maneater.

The silky shark boasts six unprovoked attacks on humans, beating out both the leopard shark and the great hammerhead.  But like those two species, the silky has yet to make a confirmed human kill.  Without this first kill, the silky is destined to remain with the flounders and tuna among the aquatic busters.  If the silky shark intends to join the elite ranks of whites, tigers, bulls and blacktips, clearly more needs to be done.

We suggest that the silky launch an immediate PR campaign.  And a name change wouldn’t hurt.

The Silky Shark: Not Actually A Pussy; It Just Sounds And Acts Like One.

Stracciatella: Culinary Delicacy Or Social Disease?

24 Monday Jan 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

blemishes, cheeses, childish sexual innuendo, educational films, gelato, GIs, Italy, one's a cunning runt, painful urination, social disease, soldiers, soups, STDs, STDs are no laughing matter!, stracciatella, the heartbreak of stracciatella, the Stratch, unsightly blemishes, VD, venereal disease, World War II, WWII

By Smaktakula

Okay, Next Picture This Happening In Your Pants.

This one fooled us, too.  Apparently stracciatella can refer to such varied foodstuffs as a soup, cheese and ice-cream.  It is known neither to cause painful urination nor unsightly blemishes on the nether-regions.

We're Reasonably Sure This Is The Soup.

Now the idea of “picking up a case of stracciatella in Italy” doesn’t sound nearly so scary.  Or exciting.

A Fun Historical Fact:  During WWII, American GIs suffering from lactose intolerance were forced to watch a number of anti-stracciatella films before deploying overseas.  Some of the better-known films were Stracciatella? Non!, The Devil’s Cheese and The Fräulein Who Gave Me The Statch. ∞T.

Your Permanent Record: A Really Big Deal

21 Friday Jan 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Bill Gates, Bill Gates as an object of pity, Burma Shave, choices, dropouts, dumb kids and the dumb things they do to fuck up their lives, foolish choices, Hooters girls, losers, Lottery tickets, permanent record, playing the lottery as an investment, poor impulse control, torching apartment complexes, winners

By Smaktakula

So much in life can hinge upon a single decision.  Once made, some choices come with attendant consequences which are difficult to foresee, but which can exert profound effects upon the whole of a person’s life.  These may be correct decisions, like choosing not to blow one’s unemployment check on lottery tickets again.  Sometimes they’re poor decisions, like torching an apartment complex.  For good or for ill, an individual’s permanent record is a partner for life.

What today’s youth tend to forget is that while a permanent record is built by the young, it must be carried by the old.  The information contained in a person’s permanent record can affect his career options and future earning potential, the type of friends and hobbies he will have, and even the attractiveness of his future mate.

We present the following cautionary example:

Perhaps This Isn't The Best Example. Still, Can You Imagine How Good His Life Would Be Right Now If He Didn't Have A Record?

Stay in school.  Stay out of trouble.  Don’t throw your life away.

Our permanent record,
Should you want to know,
Is pure and clean
Like the driven snow.
Burma Shave ∞T.

Revealed: Why The US Won The Cold War

21 Friday Jan 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, History

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

astronauts, Atari 2600, Cold War, cosmonauts, Eastern Bloc, Grape Ape, Russia, Soviet Union, United States of America, USSR

By Smaktakula

Astronauts: About A Jillion Times Cooler Than Cosmonauts.

Grape Ape: The Soviet Union Had No Equivalent.

Atari 2600: Seriously.

Protest Well Done

20 Thursday Jan 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in News, Politics

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

album covers, Algeria, Buddhism, burning, burning convictions, Burning Man Revolution, death by fire, Egypt, entitlements, Europe, hunger strikes, Mauritania, North Africa, Protesting Is Fun!, protests, pussies, Rage Against The Machine, sacrifice, self-immolation, suicide, talking the talk, Thich Quang Duc, things which are bummers, Tunisia, United States of America, Vietnam

By Smaktakula

Long thought the exclusive purview of irksome Buddhist monks, the art of self-immolation has seen a recent resurgence in a region heretofore unknown for the incendiary form of protest–North Africa.  Self-immolation, in which a person sets himself afire,  is a uniquely modern form of protest in that it utilizes the power of the media like a gun, aiming not to explain grievances but to shock and horrify.

When Rage Against The Machine Created This Provocative Image For Their Album Cover, They Could Never Have Guessed It Would Happen In Real Life.

Recently, Egypt, Algeria and Mauritania have all seen acts of self-immolation, thought to have been sparked by events in Tunisia.  On December 17th, 2009, Mohamed Bouazizi burned himself to death, despondent about his ability to feed his family.  The riots which followed rocked Tunisia, ultimately leading to the government’s surprising implosion last week.

Some around the world are concerned that this ghastly trend will spread to other regions, perhaps reaching Europe where unrest over government austerity programs has brought tensions to a slow burn.  However, most social scientists agree that Europeans, like their American cousins, relish the attention and warm, self-satisfied glow which come from political protest , but only up to the threshold of actual sacrifice.  After that, it’s kinda a bummer.

"Brothers And Sisters In The Struggle--We Are With You At Least Until Spring Break."

What The Hell, Bill?

19 Wednesday Jan 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, History, Politics

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Bill Clinton, Bill vs. Jimmy, distorting the historical record, Iranian Hostage Crisis, Jimmy Carter, Jimmy Carter attacked by rabbit, Jimmy Carter fails to bring the hostages home, Jimmy Carter gives away the Panama Canal, Jimmy Carter kills a hooker, President Carter, President Clinton, well then what is the adverbial form of 'oxymoronic?'

By Smaktakula

"Hey Jimmy. You 'Member That Time You Were Attacked By A Rabbit?"

"Hoo-eey! That Was Some Funny Business, Let Me Tell You. That Mean Ol' Rabbit Justa Comin' After You . . ."

"That's Not How It Happened!"

"sniff"

"That's Not . . . Look--I Wasn't 'Attacked,' Okay? Forget What You've Heard, 'Cause The Only Thing True About That Story Is The Rabbit!"

"Go Easy, Old-Timer. I Believe You."

"It's Just Not Fair, Bill. All The Stuff That People Think They Remember About Me Is Mostly Lies Bundled In With Half-Truths. Nobody Remembers The Good Things I've Done."

"Jimmy, That's Just Not True. Everybody Knows About Your Work With Habitat For--"-

"I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT BUILDING GODDAMN HOUSES HERE, BILL!"

Bill Clinton Pictures

"I'm Sorry, Bill. That Was Uncalled For, And I Do Apologize."

"I Just Get So Mad When The Right Distorts My Record, And The Press Doesn't Bother To Call Them On It."

"'Jimmy Carter Didn't Do Enough To Get The Hostages Home From Iran. Jimmy Carter Gave Away The Panama Canal. Jimmy Carter Pardoned The Draft-Dodgers.'"

"But Look At All The Good We Were Able To Do. What About Peacemaking? The Peace Between Israel And Egypt Has Lasted A Heckuva Lot Longer Than Anyone Thought."

"Bill, Did You Hear What I Said?"

"Hmm? Oh, No Jimmy, I Didn't. Sorry. I Was Just Thinkin' About Somethin', Though--You 'Member That Time You Gave Away The Panama Canal?"

The ‘Rabbit Attack’ mentioned here is an actual historical nonevent. ∞ Oxymoronically Yours, T.

Back In Baby’s Arms

19 Wednesday Jan 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, News, Politics

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

apologies to Patsy Cline, Barack Obama, Brother Voodoo, cliche, dictators, Duvalier dynasty, Francois "Papa Doc" Duvalier, Haiti, Haitian Crisis, hereditary dictatorship, impoverished third-world backwater, Is that not what 'paradox' means?, Jean-Claude "Baby Doc" Duvalier, Jobu, Major League, medically-themed despots, Pedro Cerrano, Rene Preval, Veronique Roy, voodoo despotism

By Smaktakula

This Is An Amazingly Authentic Depiction Of Day-To-Day Life In Haiti.

Fans of third-world despotism are aglow at the ominous tidings of Jean-Claude Duvalier’s return to Haiti after twenty-five years in well-deserved exile.  Duvalier, better known as “Baby Doc,” came to power in 1971 upon the death of his father François, appropriately called “Papa Doc.”  The paradox ruled the country from 1956 until Baby Doc was overthrown by a popular revolt in 1986.

Bad Boys: We Complain To Our Friends How They Hurt Us, But God!--How They Stick In Our Hearts.

In the nearly thirty years that the medically-themed despotic dynasty ruled Haiti, Papa and Baby managed to systematically drain the struggling nation of any single thing which might stem its decent into third-world squalor to a country at which even Hondurans turn up their noses.  But time has a bad memory, and history is just another word for accepted truth–some Haitians have begun to wax nostalgic about the Duvalier regimes.  The “Kims of the Caribbean” may have been repressive, but as the saying goes, they made the trains run on time.*

"Could I Have Missed Something The First Time?"

Many of the same people who a quarter-century ago chased Baby Doc from Haiti were today awaiting Duvalier’s arrival at the airport, filling the air with cries of “Duvalier!  Duvalier!”  A beaming Baby Doc, with his consort Veronique Roy in tow, said he had returned to help the beleaguered nation, which has been beset recently by allegations of electoral fraud and has yet to recover either from last year’s devastating earthquake or from the preceding years of shittiness stretching back as far as anyone can remember.

Several foreign leaders, including US President Barack Obama, expressed concern at the ex-dictator’s return to the nation he had in the past used so poorly.  However, Obama expressed confidence that Haitians “have too much on the ball” to fall prey to a charismatic dictator.

The God Jobu, Seen Here With Haitian Baseball Great Pedro Cerrano, Demands Ever-Greater Quantities Of Rum And Tobacco.

In fact, Baby Doc’s renewed interest in Haiti has set speculators buzzing.  It was long thought that by the time the Duvaliers were driven from Haiti, they had bled from the country everything of value, leaving it a desiccated, lifeless carcass.  But believing the likelihood slim that Baby Doc’s motives for returning to his homeland are even remotely altruistic, some are beginning to wonder if perhaps there’s still something in Haiti worth stealing.

Don't Get Your Hopes Up, It Hasn't Happened Yet.

On Tuesday, Haitian authorities briefly took Baby Doc into custody, where large groups of the tyrant’s supporters gathered, burning tires and shouting threats at current Haitian President, Rene Preval.  The second-generation dictator expressed surprise at the decision, but no real concern.  “I’m not going anywhere,” he said.

*Note: Smaktakula’s use of this cliché is purely the result of laziness.  Promethean Times does not wish to give readers the erroneous impression that Haiti has rail transit, and by extension an infrastructure. ∞T.
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WORD.

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