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~ A Collection of Oddities Calculated to Amuse, Enlighten and Horrify.

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Tag Archives: hairless hit factory

Raping Justin Bieber

04 Friday Nov 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, Entertainment, News

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Beliebers, Elmer Fudd, Elmer was asking for it, George Carlin, gold digger, hairless hit factory, hussies, Justin Bieber, Mariah Yeater, Michael Jackson, outright lies, paternity tests, Porky Pig, rape, San Diego, skanks

By Smaktakula

We're Not Saying He Was Asking For It, But Did Justin Really Have To Dress Like That?

I can prove to you that rape is funny.  Picture Porky Pig raping Elmer Fudd.

George Carlin

By her own admission, Mariah Yeater is a predator.  She has repeatedly boasted to anyone who will listen about the events of October 25, 2010, when Yeater says she snatched away a young boy’s innocence, trampling it beneath her Crocs.  Just another San Diego statistic.

Okay, Maybe After A Couple Drinks. We're Not Too Proud To Admit It.

But what happens when the rape victim is hairless hit factory Justin Bieber?  According to Yeater, who was nineteen at the time, she had her way with the underage popstar on “some sort of shelf” backstage, engaging in unprotected sex.  Although the attack lasted only thirty seconds, the damage left in its wake will not be quick in disappearing.  Adding a further layer of pathos to this tragedy, the rapist boasts that prior to the assault, Bieber had been a virgin.

Mariah Yeater: Apparently Justin Bieber Thinks He Can Do Better.

However, more egregious than Yeater’s crime itself is the way the unrepentant skank has behaved in the months following the attack.  By asserting that Bieber’s handlers chose her, plucking Yeater from the crowd and ushering her backstage, the callow hussy is essentially blaming the victim for her crime–the old ‘he was asking for it’ canard.  Moreover, Yeater has apparently produced an offspring, claiming improbably that Bieber’s body is somehow able to produce seminal fluid, and that some portion of that fluid was exchanged to produce the aforementioned child.  Bieber, for whom puberty is still a handful of years away, denies the charges.

michael jackson 6

Like Bieber, This Ancient Egyptian Mummy Knows The Pain Of False Paternity Accusations. Billie Jean Was Not His Lover, But Rather Just A Girl Who Claimed He Was The One. To His Grave He Steadfastly Maintained That The Kid Was Not His Son. SHAMON!

What will happen next is anyone’s guess.  Perhaps Yeater’s claims will be proven correct, and it will be revealed that by some unfathomable combination of perverted science and unholy witchcraft Bieber was able to produce a child through sexual intercourse with a human female, and if so, we pray that Yeater will be charged as a rapist.  Or, as is a lot more likely, Yeater’s justice will come not from the courts, but rather at the end of a rope, a warning to other floozies not to mess with the Beliebers’ beloved.

"Bitch, You Are So Fucking Dead!"

Porky-Pig-Concerned.jpg image by brewsben8

Words Never To Use: N****rdly

24 Thursday Feb 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Politics

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

confused words, hairless hit factory, imaginary bigotry, Justin Bieber, Ke$ha, Lil Wayne, Mike Tyson, mistaken identity, niggardly, politically incorrect, racial slurs, racism, self-censorship, things never to say, words to stop using

By Smaktakula

Just as popular music’s reputation has been besmirched by unwholesome potty-mouths like Ke$ha, Lil Wayne and hairless hit factory Justin Bieber, words also can be unfairly tainted by an apparent, but nonexistent connection between them.  Words which sound similar can be easily confused, particularly if one of them is among the most emotionally laden in the English language.  Some words, even those with wholly innocent meanings and uttered by well-intentioned speakers, invite scorn and opprobrium with the thunderous quickness of a loud fart in a quiet church.

"Well, I Guess I'll Go Clean Out My Desk Now."

Such a word is Niggardly.  Although the origins of the word are wholly innocent, descended from Old English and Scandinavian roots and meaning stingy or miserly, niggardly should never be spoken.  Not ever.  Never, never, never.  You know why.

Few other words can suck the life from a room with the rapidity of this adjective.  Rather than employ this conversation-killer, we recommend using one of the aforementioned synonyms or choosing from among the plethora available, including but not limited to “parsimonious,” “cheap” or “tight.”  If no other word will suffice, then for the sake of common decency as well as your own safety, please say “N-Wordly.”

"I'm Fully Aware Of The Wordth' Meaning, And Moreover That Your Motiveth Were Not To Give Offenth. It Ith For Entirely Different Reathonth That I Will Be Feeding You Your Own Thpleen."

It’s still acceptable to say ‘There’s a chink in my armor,’ but only if your chain mail tunic has been swiped by the dastardly Sir Lee and his nefarious Knights of the Tong. ∞T.

NKOTB Not Only Still Alive, But Cruising

13 Monday Sep 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Music

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

Danny Wood, Donnie Wahlberg, former child stars, Generation MILF, hairless hit factory, Joey McIntyre, Jonathan Knight, Jordan Knight, Justin Bieber, New Kids Forever! Still Hangin' Tough Baby!, New Kids on the Block, NKOTB, nostalgia acts, stars of yesteryear, stupid shit little girls like, Where Are They Now?

By Smaktakula

Two decades ago America’s arenas were jammed with pubescent girls screaming for the manufactured teenybop that only New Kids on the Block could offer.  The screaming has long since died away, and many of those young fans now have children of their own.  And perhaps when her own daughter rhapsodically details the myriad virtues of the hairless hit factory Justin Bieber, now and then one of those former fans will spare a moment to think of those long-ago idols, wondering whatever became of those five boys from Boston.       

NKOTB Has Retooled Its Sound For Generation MILF.

After recasting themselves as NKOTB in 1993, the boys attempted a comeback.  NKOTB’s song Keep on Smilin’ appeared on the soundtrack to the killer whale opus, Free Willy, which the boys hoped would revive their flagging fan base.  Sadly, much like the film’s titular orca, it appeared the New Kids’ career was destined for the business end of a Japanese harpoon, ultimately to be devoured alongside some salaryman’s ramen.*                 

But like the legendary phoenix, which seemingly perished only to rise again from its own ashes, it’s hard to keep a possibly lucrative nostalgia act down  That’s right–please don’t go, girl–because NKOTB is back and better than ever!
  • Joey!
  • Donnie! 
  • The Other Three! 

Hangin' Tough On The High Seas: Not Only Will The Boys From Boston Perform, They'll Also Clean Your Cabin And Press Your Pants.

For those fans seeking the ultimate NKOTB experience, we recommend joining the lads on an intimate four-day Caribbean Cruise.  This opportunity is a godsend for those women on the verge of middle age who always wanted to score with a New Kid, but thought the opportunity forever beyond their reach.  Remember ladies, with their multi-platinum heyday two decades gone, they’re not nearly as picky these days. 

#14? Mr. McIntyre Will See You Now.

 * Since we have no plans to see ever Free Willy or even to read a plot synopsis, we have depicted the film as ending the way we would want it to.

Not What You Were Looking Four?

07 Tuesday Sep 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, General Foolishness, Hollywood, People

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Anne Rice, Baby Boomers, bulls, Chesley Sullenberger, crazy bastard, David Arquette, dope, douchebaggery, Dr. Grigori Perelman, dreadlocks, Garfield, goring, grass, Great Moments In American Diplomacy, Guy Fieri, hairless hit factory, hemp, hippies, Hiroshima, incompetent boobery, Japan, Jeffrey Jones, John Wayne Bobbitt, Jon Lovitz, Justin Bieber, Kathy Ireland, Lorena Gallo Bobbitt, marijuana, Michael Steele, Mike Tyson, Mom and Dad Save the World, nasty blond dreadlocks, Olive Garden, pirates, pot, Ramtha, reefer, Richard Simmons, Saudi Arabia, sweet sweet cheeba, tattoos, Teri Garr, Wallace Shawn

By Smaktakula

Well what did you think we were gonna call it?  Not what you were looking for four? Imbecile.

Newer readers who are unfamiliar with our “Not What You Were Looking For?” series may wish to review our first three fabulous installments:

  • Not What You Were Looking For?
  • Still Not What You Were Looking For?
  • Not What You Were Looking For, Episode III: The Search For Cock

promethan times Wrong!

world’s worst latin mullet; russian mullet No one wins when the M Virus spreads.  At least Iran has taken precautions.

hiroshima august 6 2010 Nothing happened on that date. But 65 years earlier, the place was smokin’!

ohn and lorena bobbit Looks like that dick got sliced again.

drunk irishman shit self We’ll agree that No Line On The Horizon wasn’t U2’s finest effort.

ramtha crazy; ramtha full of shit Well which is it?

grigori perelman god proof No one is God proof–not even that crazy bastard.

bulls goring mouth Bulls gore with their horns.  They bite with their mouths.  Now you know.

sad “richard simmons” Sad?  But we thought gay was a synonym for ‘happy’?

smoking marijuana wisely It can’t be done.  Have you seen how those people dress?

promathan times Wrong!

penis fact 1952 Fact: The penis wasn’t even invented until 1955.

real garlfield cat We’re sorry that it falls upon us to tell you this, but we think you should know that Garfield isn’t real.  That’s right, he’s a cartoon character.  Douche.

live aid Live Aid did a lot of good for a lot of people.  Also, Freddy Mercury was a beloved performer who helped to put a human face to AIDS.

justin bieber sexy You’ll recall that we wished ill upon the hairless hit factory.  For sexy JB, this is more your bag.

lazy bastards on unemployment Now you’re just trying to stir up trouble.

hippie elderly people Sadly it’s true: the Baby Boomers are retiring.  They look forward to travel, spending time with their grandchildren, and self-indulgently sucking dry the nation’s financial marrow.

do dread make your head big In some instances it do.  If you blond, it make your head stupid.

pictures of black actor died Haven’t we already been through this?

how many californians smoke marijuana Too many of them.

prerry herd Is that dirty?  It sounds dirty.

saudi punishment The punishment is that the senior class won’t have a dance this year.  And they’ll all be flogged.

michael steele douchebaggery It was incompetent boobery, actually.

guy fieri pirate With that hair, we can definitely see it.  Or do you mean like a buccaneer-type pirate?

great moments in american diplomacy Here, Here and Here.

bull cow smiling Don’t trust that hermaphroditic bovine.

july 14, 1789 a.d. paris It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.  Feel free to start a novel with that line.

captain sullenberger wife beater Captain Sullenberger’s wife: backtalker.

author renounces catholicism And nobody noticed.

divorced happy photos We’re guessing you spend a great deal of time huddled in a corner, weeping.

commercials we hate olive garden That’s so weird–we hate those commercials, too!  Also Bush’s Original Baked Beans.

david arquette tats You’ll wish you hadn’t.  Sooner rather than later.

cast of mom and dad save the world It Features Jon Lovitz, Teri Garr, Kathy Ireland and the sound of fingernails on a chalkboard rendered into flesh and blood, Wallace Shawn.  Also this dangerous child molester.

mexican marijuana A lot like domestic marijuana except it works harder and costs less.

promethean times Right!

Mark Wahlberg Is Nothing Without The Funky Bunch. Nothing!

13 Friday Aug 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Cinema, Culture, General Foolishness, Hollywood, Music, People

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

awful musicians, beatdown, crossover success, Funky Bunch, hairless hit factory, hip-hop, Justin Bieber, Mark Wahlberg, Marky Mark, Marky Mark & the Funky Bunch, one-hit wonders, people with supernumerary nipples, phallophilia, rap music, Terminator 2, untalented stars, where is the Funky Bunch?, you used to be cool man

By Smaktakula

There.  We said it.                                     

Marky Mark Wishes He Could Travel Forward In Time To Lay A Beatdown On That Poser, Mark Wahlberg, Like In That Dope New Movie Terminator 2. Except Opposite.

 It seems as if the brash young rapper who once snarled, Money is the thing that I need to fulfill my greed is gone.  Thespian Mark Wahlberg, as Marky Mark now prefers to be called, has reached a level of financial success of which the hungry young kid from Boston and his creepy supernumerary nipple might only have dreamed.    

A life of contentment has erased any trace of the beguiling young star who once brazenly dedicated a book to his own penis.  However, it is doubtful that even the most cynical observer would have predicted Wahlberg’s quiet spiral into soullessness.  In a recent interview, the hollow ghost of his former It-Boy incarnation admitted that he would dust off his negligible hip-hop chops to rap on a Justin Bieber album, if only the hairless hit factory would ask him.                              

Vibrations good like Sunkist/Many wanna know who done this
You did it, Marky.  You did it to yourself.  We were powerless to do anything but watch you fall apart.

Word To Facebook

We Have High Hopes For Justin Bieber

04 Wednesday Aug 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, Music

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

androgynous kids are creepy, awful musicians, Celebrity Death Watch, hairless hit factory, Justin Bieber, Justin Bieber: First Step 2 Forever: My Story, moppet, pop culture, pop phenom, societal carcinoma, stupid shit little girls like, that's expire not retire, you do know that's two colons right?, you got a real purty mouth

By Smaktakula

Sixteen-year-old pop moppet Justin Bieber has announced the upcoming release of his ridiculously-titled photo memoir, Justin Bieber: First Step 2 Forever: My Story.

Promethean Times joins the rest of the adult world in urgently hoping this news indicates that the adorable societal carcinoma has made plans to expire in the very near future.

This Photo Will Be Perfect For The Inquest.

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