Tags
Alexei Nikolaevich, Beatrice of York, blue-bloods, Britain's Royal Family, Buckingham Palace, childish sexual innuendo, congenital afflictions, European Royalty, France, Great Britain, hemophilia, HURRR!, incest, Kate Middleton, King Ralph, Louis XIV, Nicholas II, Prince Andrew, Prince William, Princess Beatrice, Royal Disease, Royal weddings, Royals, royaltard, Sarah Ferguson, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, spokescow, United Kingdom, Weight Watchers
By Smaktakula
Actually, There Are Far Worse Congenital Defects Associated With Inbreeding Than Simply Being A Moronic Sack Of Manatee Blubber.
Most people know that in days of yore European royalty was a tight-knit club. So tight-knit, in fact, that intermarriages among the various royal families increasingly began to produce malignant progeny who were deformities, idiots and stillbirths. History is replete with whispered tales of these chromosomally-challenged royals, persisting even into the 20th with the feeble Alexei Nikolaevich, son of Nicholas II, the last Czar of Russia. Hemophilia was so pronounced among previous generations of elites, that it earned itself the magisterial nickname, ‘The Royal Disease.’
Progeny Of Incestuous Unions Are Often Afflicted With Rodent-Like Features.
But few realize that the royal curse persists to this day. It is a topic the press ignores by silent consensus, and one about which the public prudently remains uninquisitive. Perhaps this is because, even for people living outside the United Kingdom, the British Royal Family epitomizes dignity, nobility and class; the thought of the Earl of Twaddle-upon-Bumheath flinging his own poo at the Duchess of Queef is almost too much to bear.
Wait Your Turn, Lads!--At Least Four Royals Would Have To Die Before Either Of These Young Lords Can Hope To Assume The Throne.
Recently, the world was forced to acknowledge the Royal Secret when, at the recent wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton, photographers snapped several pictures of one of these blue-blood unfortunates. Historically, Buckingham Palace has kept a tight rein on these high-born embarrassments, but the Palace has liberalized considerably in recent years. This is thought to be the reason that at least one of these creatures was allowed to not only be seen in public, but to be photographed.
The Hereditary Deformities Of French Monarch Louis XIV Spawned A Cruel National Nickname.
The royaltard in question is Beatrice of York, daughter of former Weight Watchers spokescow and attempted royal access merchant Sarah Ferguson and her former husband, the all-around cad Prince Andrew. Beatrice appears in several wedding photos, sporting a unique piece of headgear she designed herself. When asked the significance of the bizarre accoutrement, Beatrice replied with a series of soft mewling sounds.
"Mummy! I'm A Teletubby!"
Beatrice: A Very Special Royal
"HUURRRRR!"
"I'm Beetruth! Hooray For Beetruth!"
Oh God, That Is SO Cute! Smaktakula Had A Hamster That Used To Do That. He Just Couldn't Get The Concept Of Glass.
Beatrice, Sweetie--Don't Lie To Mummy. Now, I'll Ask You Just Once More: Did You Smear Nectar In Your Hair Again?
"Loo Loo Loo, You Can't See Me! Loo Loo Loo!"
Promethean Times 
Eddie Izzard sums up the effects of royal intermarriage pretty well in Dress to Kill:
(Spoken in a sort of upper-crust Royal tone) “Hello, what do you do? You’re a plumber? What on Earth is that?”
I’m pretty sure even he couldn’t have anticipated Princess Beatrice’s beige hat-thinger, though. She looks like a character from a cantina scene in a low-budget science-fiction show.
I did not know that the royals believed in the Flying Spaghetti Monster.