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Tag Archives: Prince William

Prince William: Who Will Be His Camilla Parker-Bowles?

31 Thursday May 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, News

≈ 7 Comments

Tags

'Lil 'Lil Kim, Andrew Parker-Bowles, Britain's Royal Family, Camilla Parker Bowles, Charles Barkley, childish sexual innuendo, Diana Spencer, Duchess of Cornwall, England, fanny means something altogether different to the British, forbidden love, Great Britain, impoverished third-world hellhole, Kate Middleton, Kim Jong-un, Lady Di, Monica Lewinsky, North Korea, Prince Charles, Prince Harry, Prince William, Queen Elizabeth II, Queen Victoria, Royal weddings, Royals, Sir Charles, United Kingdom, we're not making the Tampax thing up--he said it

This piece originally ran on 11.19.10
By Smaktakula

Our Best To The Happy Couple! And Kate–Wear A Seatbelt, Honey.

The hearts of aging Anglophiles and reclusive shut-ins worldwide are aglow with the happy news of Prince William’s engagement to his long-time girlfriend, the lovely Kate Middleton. Kate and William, the future king of England and “good son” of Prince Charles and Diana Spencer, plan to marry sometime in 2011.

As the excitement surrounding the announcement fades in the coming weeks, the public’s attention will turn increasingly toward the next phase in this royal relationship. Soon, millions will be asking: Who will be William’s Camilla Parker-Bowles?

Camilla Parker-Bowles Is The One In The Dumpy Sweater.

Today the frumpy, horse-faced wife of the no-less plain Prince Charles is known as Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall. However, fans of late 20th Century history will remember Parker-Bowles as the frumpy, horse-faced wife of Andrew Parker-Bowles and semi-secret lover of Prince Charles. The pair married in 2005, culminating a longtime affair so passionate that in an “Eww” moment for the ages, Charles revealed his desire to be Parker-Bowles’ “Tampax.” He was joking, if it makes any difference.

The Prince Isn’t Funny: “So Then I Said To Camilla, ‘Well Then Call Me Maxi, Because I Want To Crash At Your Pad.'”

“When we ask ‘Who will be William’s Camilla?’ we’re not asking the right question,” says Tory MP Robert Howell of Pecos-upon-Orange, “The Prince is quite an accomplished young man, who fortunately has his mother’s looks. There’s no reason to suggest he couldn’t do much better with the ladies than his father. Comparisons to Parker-Bowles only serve to diminish public expectations for what William could potentially achieve, and in this we do the young Royal a great disservice.”

Adds Howell, “Frankly, it’s time we as Britons placed a higher standard upon our princes in terms of their sexual conquests. I quite think Harry’s got the idea.”

Fears That Parker-Bowles Would Emasculate The Prince Proved Unfounded.

But others aren’t so sure.  “Aye, t’ young prince ul pick a dowdy lass for sure,” says Eamonn Harker, a York shepherd, “It’s tradition, ennit?” Historian Nigel Ennis-Butterwort agrees. “Traditionally, English Royals pick attractive spouses. This is thought to be a reaction to a succession of homely Queens, such as Victoria or Elizabeth II.”

“We Are Not At All Attractive. No, Not Even A Little. It Is Most Regrettable.”

“However,” says Ennis-Butterwort, “It is in the selection of a paramour that we see the ghost of Oedipus. You’ve heard that men marry their mothers? In the case of British Royals, this is absolutely not true–they reject homely women as marriage partners–but take them as lovers.”

It’s Not That Pretty Women Don’t Appeal To The Prince.

This arrangement seems to satisfy the British commoner. “Oo wants uh queen what’s uh worn-out slag?” asks bookmaker Harry Hollis, “Nowt, at’s oo.”

“Listen, Knucklehead, I Told You I Don’t Know Prince, And That ‘Sir Charles’ Is Just An Honorific. Now For The Last Time, That Is Not My Damn Horse!”

Close observers of the Royal Family are already hard at work attempting to predict Prince William’s choice of butterfaced bed-buddy. It will be some time before there is even the slightest agreement as to the type of dog William is likely to bag, let alone consensus on a name.

Fortunately, readers of Promethean Times won’t have to wait to find out. Using our state-of-the-art prognosticative software, we’ve determined Prince William’s likely future lover. Readers will remember that Promethean Times has on one more than one occasion scooped the major media outlets by being the first to correctly identify leaders’ potential lovers, including Monica Lewinsky (Look for a plump girl of Eastern European extraction; possibly with a predilection for French headwear) and Camilla Parker-Bowles herself (Charles will most likely seek comfort in the embrace of some variety of barnyard animal).

Prince Harry On Kate: “Right. ‘Pon My Oath, I’ll Tap That Fanny ‘Ere The Passing Of A Fortnight.”

By our analysis, the Prince’s paramour will be a study of contradictions:

  • Physically unattractive, but exotic.
  • Well-educated, but somewhat backward.
  • Personally wealthy, but from a poor culture.
  • Socially inept, but commanding great power.

You heard it here first.  Prince William will make Kate Middleton the Queen of England, but not the queen of his heart. Somewhere across the whole of the Eurasian landmass William’s soulmate awaits, the Prince’s love bringing a small, brave light to the corrupted heart of a doomed land.

“Me Ruv You Rong T-T-Time.”

Return Of Not What You Were Looking For?

02 Friday Mar 2012

Posted by tardsie in Culture, Stupidity

≈ 12 Comments

Tags

abortion, Afghanistan, Barack Obama, Barry Bonds, Baseball, Bert & Ernie, Billy Carter, black sororities, breastuses, Camilla Parker Bowles, China, Courtney Love, degenerates, dope, douchebaggery, drugs, drunken Irishmen, Emmanuel Lewis, even Jesus thinks Fred Phelps sucks, fauxhawks, fellatrix, femullet, grass, hemp, Herb Tarlek, Hugh Hefner, Kim Jong-un, marijuana, Massengill disposable douche, mullets, North Korea, not what you were looking for?, Pedobear, pork, pot, Prince William, reefer, Robert Mugabe, rope, Russell Brand, seriously--hippies are odious, Stupid Gene, sweet sweet cheeba, Taliban, testicles, Tina Fey, Tina Fey not dead, tiny penis, urban legends, vagina, water sports, weed, Westboro Baptist Church, Yao Ming

By Tardsie

There's No Such Thing As A 'Typical" Promethean Times Reader. The Only Common Thread Is Degeneracy.

Not everyone who visits Promethean Times finds us on purpose. Here we respond to some of the bizarre, dangerous and downright foul search terms by which you found us. Enjoy!

***

fags love straight men ~ It’s true, but just between us, you’ll be safe.

sexual watersports ~ What’s that, like having sex on water-skis? We’ll just look that up and…OH! OH, MY GOD! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?

ugly guy with mullet ~ We’re gonna need more details.

drunken irish beaver ~ We challenge you to show us an Irish beaver who’s not drunk.

"Aw Jaysus, Mikey, Me Ould Son--Oim So Fookin' Pissed Oi Cannah Remember--Iz'tah Wrang Soide Ah Dah Rood Daht We Droive Ahn, Oir Dah Roight Soide?"

hugh hefner creepy ~ Really? You don’t think it’s normal for a doddering, incontinent old man to make pretend sex with silicate vixens?

a is for addict ~ b is for bum. This is fun!

in squalor recluse no friends ~ Sounds tough, buddy! Hopefully we were able to make you smile.

is pauly shore allergic to anything? ~ We like the way you think. Tell us you’ve got a lunch date with Pauly.

courtney love breast feeding at Wendys ~ Surely even the most rabid breast-feeding advocate must concede that such a thing is neither natural nor beautiful; it is an abomination.

Apparently, She Lactates Pure Methadone.

emmanuael lewis 2011 ~ Skonk 4 LIFE, Yo!

confusion in 84 year old ~ That’s bound to happen.

does prince william call camella “mom”  — What do you think, retard?

tina fey dead ~ She’s NOT dead. We told you that.

history of black dicks ~ Well, you might want to start with Robert Mugabe, and Barry Bonds was supposed to be a real jerk…you meant ‘black penii,’ didn’t you?

Being A Nice Guy Doesn't Matter Until You Lose Your Ability To Hit.

what did billy carter do ~ Besides embarrass a nation, you mean?

who is prince william’s soulmate? ~ ‘Lil ‘Lil Kim. We also told you that.

cons to a temporary marriage ~ Same as the cons for a permanent marriage: your spouse.

did you invite jesus ~  Hells yeah! He’s doing Jell-O shots.

"The Bad News Is That We're Out Of Wine. The Good News Is We've Got All This Bottled Water, And I Know This Party Trick..."

bert and ernie gay ~ You’d think that Bert would be the ‘man,’ but no, it’s Ernie.

opinions on abortion — We’ve got enough opinions already.

how to thank an asshole for an asshole action — Flush?

paul pierce eyes–And now we suppose that Paul is blind.

percentage of men who climax on their partner’s face ~ It’s about 45%. The percentage who do it a second time? 0%.

Seriously, It's Not Sexy.

was macht pauly shore heute —Nichts

korean down syndrome — They call it “Up” syndrome in South Korea.  In the glorious paradise of North Korea there are no people with disabilities whatsoever.  They’re eaten.

promethean times ~ Hello!

cooking in your sauna ~ It can be done, but it’s not advised.

spiders living in tongue; spider lays eggs on face ~ Not true, sadly, but it’s nice to have something to believe in.

worst place to live in north korea ~ Well, it’s all pretty bad, but we heard that the intersection of Chigun and 47th Avenue is pretty rough.

westboro name origin ~ We told you a little about that.

"So I'm Thinking Of Starting A Church..."

white girls in black sororities ~ Actually, black sororities are in many ways like our rules for eating in bed: No Crackers!

lady mullet ~ It’s called a femullet, and it’s hella sexy.

naked nicknames ~ Smaktakula’s is ‘Tiny.’

crazy russian mathmatition ~ You’re talking about our pal, Grigori!

after the taliban took control of afghanistan, respect for women went downhill from there.  they are treate . . . ~ Sounds like you already know how the story comes out. What do you need us for?

fellatrix blog ~ We read it for a while, but found it hard to swallow.

fake testicles ~ Check these out!

baseball is big in China ~ Nothing’s all that big in China, except for Yao Ming, and he had to come to the States for a life worth a damn.

Oh Yeah, And This Monstrosity.

pedobear jackpot ~ It’s the first ten rows of a Justin Bieber show.

statistics ballet homosexuality ~ It’s somewhere around 95% (plus or minus 5%).

douchebaggery now a hairstyle ~ It has been for a while. Check this out. And this.

marijuana rectal cancer ~ It’s the sole cause, man!

dread hippy porn–We dread it too.

Yeah, We Know That Razors Weren't So Big In The Age Of Aquarius, But In The Age Of Hygiene, They Are. And Take A Shower While You're At It!

poems about mullets ~ I think that I shall never see/A Dude as hideous and sad as thee/Please cover your head with a paper bag/’Cause your freaky hair makes you look like a…doofus.

russell brand douchebag–We prefer Massengill brand douchebag.

appalachian pot-– The strain is created by cross-breeding it with itself.

i hate pork ~ Smaktakula does too.

camilla parker bolwes pretty–Pretty what?

Usually Powerful Men Like Prince Charles Opt To "Go Pretty" In Second Marriages.

victims of the stupid gene ~ More numerous than sand on the beach.

following vice prez who is next in line of succession the prez of us ~ Apparently the Founding Fathers didn’t think this through. According to the Constitution, in  the event that both the President and Vice-President are unable to serve, the Presidency goes to the  guy who owns the most horses.

nicknames for dick — What’s your name again?

was obama photographed with leeches on his face ~What?!? No.

dear camp female tramps ~ Tramps are dear to us as well.

vienna sausage creations ~ Well, speaking euphemistically–children.

showing his cock ~ ‘Tis a fine bantam you have there, sir–sure to win first prize at the County Fair.

people remembering the 60s — Are often tiresome.

Anti-Drug PSA's Would Be So Much More Effective If This Guy Was The Poster-Boy.

fbi warning negro—Clarence prefers to be called the FBI warning African-American.

testicles hanging off truck—That was one hell of an accident.

condoms for men with small penis~They’re called Little Richards, and they’re surprisingly comfortable. Or, that’s what we read in Consumer Reports anyway.

tina fey died ~ Haven’t we been through this?

im a nazi ~ Some Israeli gentlemen may be visiting later this evening.

fish vagina innuendos—Going to a party later tonight and need a line that will impress the ladies?

"Because Canned Tuna Is Too Expensive! Heh! Tuna? Anyone? Because Canned Tuna Is Too Expensive!..You People Wouldn't Know Funny If It Bit You On The Ass!"

***

Check out how these creepos found us!

  • Not What You Were Looking For?
  • Still Not What You Were Looking For?
  • Not What You Were Looking For, Episode III: The Search For Cock
  • Not What You Were Looking Four?

Promethean Times’ 2011 Person Of The Year: Us Again

30 Friday Dec 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, Entertainment, History, News, Politics, Religion

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

'Lil Kim, 1492, 2010, 2011, 2012, Afghanistan, Amy Winehouse, Arab Spring, Armenian Genocide, Arnold Schwarzenegger, arson, Barack Obama, California, Celebrity Death Watch, Charlie Sheen, Cleveland, Code Pink, Democratic Republic of Congo, Democrats, Diana Spencer, Dirk Nowitzki, dumb kids and the dumb things they do to fuck up their lives, ennui, Fidel Castro, Flower of American Skankhood, Gabby Giffords, gay people, Jani Lane, John Boehner, Julius Malema, Kate Middleton, Kim Jong-il, Kim Jong-un, Kim Kardashian, LeBron James, Leslie Nielsen, Lewis County, Libya, LiLo, Lindsay Lohan, Mayans, Muammar al-Gaddafi, muslims, Nancy Pelosi, narcos, North Korea, Oakland, Occupy, Osama bin Laden, places that suck, Prince William, prognostication, Promethean Times' Person of the Year, puppy-killing, Randy 'Macho Man' Savage, Rapture, Republicans, Robert Mugabe, San Francisco, self-promotion so shameless that it borders on hucksterism, Smaktakula is aware that 'penises' is the accepted plural but if it's good enough for Steinbeck it's good enough for us, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, Smaktakula's vendetta against Lewis County, South Africa, Steve Jobs, Tea Party, the cult-like devotion accorded to Steve Jobs by effete Mac users, the French, the West, United States of America, Washington State, Zimbabwe

By The Promethean Times Editorial Staff

We Looked Among All The Nations Of The World, And Could Find None More Deserving Of Our Praise.

We’ll admit it–we didn’t think it would come to this.  We figured we’d be rich by now, or at the very least the Rapture would have freed us from our myriad woes.  Since it didn’t (it didn’t, right?), we’ve picked ourselves up and resolved to make a game go of it.  Moreover, we’re concentrating our hopes on the admittedly feeble chances the Mayans were right in predicting doom for 2012, and that very soon sweet nothingness will obliterate the pain that is existence.

Turns Out Somebody Made A Calculation Error When They Came Up With The 2012 Date. The Revised Figure Is 1492.

Until then, though, we’re even more delighted that, last December, we were the inaugural winner of the Promethean Times’ Person of the Year.  Now, as we say goodbye to what we call ‘The Year of Promethean Times,’ it’s time to recognize a new mover and/or shaker for his/her/its contribution or impact to our world.

Having outstripped the rest of the field by light-years in the 2010 contest, Promethean Times could be forgiven for feeling like it has an edge in this year’s selection.  After all, no one disputes that Promethean Times’ many, many contributions to the betterment of society rank among the more significant developments in 2011.  Still, the beloved news journal remains humble.  “Would we like to repeat?” asks Smaktakula, lead writer, “Absolutely–who wouldn’t?  But we’ve got important events to cover, and we can’t really spend time thinking about things like that.  Besides,” he adds, “Some other stuff happened.”

Among that stuff was a string of dead dicks, despots and men of low character.  2011 bid farewell to a number of those comical tyrants who, through nothing more than style, a ridiculous outfit and balls the size of grapefruit, commanded legions to do their bidding.   Osama bin Laden’s cringing demise among  the fluid-spattered catacombs of his porn library taught us all to laugh again, while the image of Keystone Cops stumbling after wacky sand-despot Muammar Gaddafi in a madcap chase aross the Libyan desert gave us reason to laugh even harder.  The ascendance of Steve Jobs and Kim Jong-il to their respective heavenly kingdoms reminded us that Gods too can die.

Among The Many Proposed Reforms Of The 'Arab Spring' Which Began In The Winter Of 2011 Is A Calendar That's Worth A Damn.

Fortunately, the world is in no immediate danger of losing its megalomaniacal dickheads–it seems as if for every despot hanged, another sprouts from the puddle of piss at his twitching feet.  The loss of ‘Lil Kim was a blow for North Korea, but made easier when Kim Jong-un waddled into his father’s shoes and accepted his mandate to drive the shitstain of a country further into the ground. Africa maintained its preeminence for venal strongmen throughout 2011, with brutal racist Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe single-lippedly keeping alive the Hitler Mustache, while Julius Malema, an exciting new face on the South African scene, promises to continue the ruination of the one-time economic powerhouse.  And throughout the world, Muslims continued to blow things up in protest of the western world’s inexplicable and persistent view of Muslims as violent and reactionary.  The West countered with fiercely abject apologies.

Fidel's Still Hanging In There.

Another theme embraced wholeheartedly worldwide was indignation.  Contrary to the age-old adage, “What goes up must inevitably continue to do so,” 2011 saw a further decline in the still-ridiculous standard of living enjoyed by the West.  Like going out to lunch with Grandma, the belief arose that it was enough to wait it out, and somebody would eventually pick up the check.  The jarring reality that Grandma died during a visit to the ladies’ room brought angry people into the streets.  In America, this phenomenon took the form of “Occupy Wall Street,” a Tea Party for the under-40 crowd, who still like to break things and enjoy the novelty of humping in Liberty Park, where rank coils of human feces suffice for scented candles and complete exposure for privacy.

For Real, We Totally Would.--Only, It Smells Like Pee And There's A Ton Of Poor People Walking Around.

The year was momentous for the United States.  Although ending its involvement in Iraq (kinda, not really) the US steadfastly continued interminable bank-busting conflicts in places like Afghanistan, while also embarking on other daring adventures such as temporary conflicts in Libya and a secret war¹ in the Democratic Republic of Congo.  On the home front, the government turned its attention against homegrown enemies, like pot shops in California, while Operation Fast & Furious ensured that narcos and Mexican Army assassins could continue to terrorize the citizenry of the failed state and disappear the occasional American tourist.

The year began with the Arizona shooting that turned US Representative Gabby Giffords into a living martyr, and the rest of the nation into a gang of loudmouthed assholes.  Throughout the year the citizenry continued the tradition of killing one another, often in new and surprising ways.

America: Where Our Unsettling Anthropomorphic Monsters Are Just A Little Bit More Patriotic.

President Obama was once again unable to deliver on his promise to make the United States a magical Care Bear land of milk & honey scented with the sweet strains of children’s choirs singing liltingly of the unifying joy of diversity, but from their bastions in college quads and Code Pink meeting-houses, the President’s dwindling cadre of  true believers assured us it was Republican obstructionism.  And secret racism.  Republicans countered that their sole aim was to restore sanity to a beleaguered nation, and promised that only as a last resort would they burn the fucking thing to the ground.

The Bad News Is That Rome Is Burning. The Good News Is That Everyone In Our Studio Audience Will Be Going Home Tonight With Shiny New Fiddles!

Political penii² proved productive in promoting prick-principled puns, as well as gratuitous alliteration.  The destructive power of the penis was ably demonstrated by Arnold Schwarzenegger, who showed us that even a wealthy Hollywood/Government powerhouse with an even richer (albeit skeletal) wife will fuck an ugly woman if given the opportunity.  Late night talk-show hosts methodically shook every last droplet of humor from the Weiner situation, before putting away their pricks at the disgraced NY Rep.

Political mores and identities changed more than ever, particularly in institutions such as the US Military.  The US Navy broadened its long and proud tradition of maritime homosexuality by allowing gays to be open about it.  At the same time, former Gay Mecca San Francisco saw its fabulousness eclipsed in favor of dumps like Oakland and Cleveland.  Meanwhile, in Washington State’s rural Lewis County, citizens continued their proud practice of frequent–and flagrantly public–sexual congress with barnyard animals.

For Newlyweds Lisa And Bingo Lamb, A Day At The Fair Is A Great Reason To Dress Up.

As did the death of beautiful paper-doll Diana Spencer over a decade before, the wedding of Prince William to commoner Kate Middleton proved Americans are still fascinated with the royal family from which their forefathers once strove so mightily to emancipate themselves.  Although America does not have a royalty per se, the Twenty-First Century has seen the rise of a new class of publicly-owned do-nothings.  Paramount among these is the vile Kardashian Klan, a bloodline and marriage-based conglomerate that may just be the strongest argument yet advanced in support of the Armenian Holocaust.³  Kim Kardashian’s sham-marriage to basketball legend somebody-or-other netted the vapid perfume-tycoon more money than you’re likely to see in a thousand lifetimes.

There were a few stars whom we were relieved to see survive 2011, not least because their delightfully destructive antics provide regular low-hanging fruit for Promethean Times.  Toothless cretin Charlie Sheen managed to bring his life and career to a shattering halt, suffering the additional injury of losing his place in America’s most beloved half-hour of insipidity to a genial retard.  Yet through a heroic lack of self-awareness and the public’s perverse predilection for the doomed, the former Carlos Estevez is more popular than ever.  The same cannot be said for Lindsay Lohan, once hailed as ‘The Flower of American Skankhood,’ who like Sheen, is one of 2012’s most likely fatalities.  Despite a loving and supportive family, worldwide adoration and impeccable personal hygiene, the only audience to prove capable of tolerating LiLo’s act for any length of time were her customers at the LA County Morgue.

It Gets A Lot Less Sexy When You Realize She'll Be Dead Soon.

Sport continued to be a necessary diversion around the world, uniting and dividing people not by races or ethnicity, but by the overpriced merchandise they wore.  In American sports, Jesus, sole scion of the Jehovah Dynasty, briefly tried His hand at football before quietly retiring once again to the sidelines, much to the dismay of football fans in the Mountain States.  Although a strike marred the beginning of the 2011-2012 NBA season, the 2010-2011 season ended in a thrilling contest that satisfied both haters of LeBron James and fans of Schadenfreude in general.  In what was nearly universally regarded as a black year for baseball, the one bright spot was the continuing absence of a World Series trophy in the Lone Star State.  And in sports outside of America’s shores, a group of Japanese ladies won some soccer thing.

A Little Bit Like Schnitzel.

With all these notable events and people, both tragic and sublime, from which to choose, our editors had an unenviable task in determining Promethean Times’ Person of the Year for 2011.  It was only after a thorough and at-times grueling vetting process, at several points during which the acrimony grew both increasingly bitter and ad hominem, that the worthy candidate emerged.  Promethean Times is proud to name as this year’s Promethean Times’ Person of the Year and our first two-time back-to-back recipient, Promethean Times, honoring the venerable publication for its indefatigable and often thankless dedication to fighting the barbaric practice of puppy-killing.

Bravo, Promethean Times.

NEVER AGAIN.

To The Dear Friends To Whom We Bid Farewell In 2011: May You Find Yourselves In Heaven Before The Devil Knows You’re Dead:

Amy Might Still Be Alive If She Had Filled Her Drug-Pipe With Harmless Tobacco Instead Of What She Actually Filled It With--Drugs.

The Thing We'll Miss Most? The Laughter.

CNN News Personality Anderson Cooper Was Too Beautiful To Live.

Sure, It's A Tragedy For The Ages, But We Take Some Small Consolation In The Knowledge That There's One Less Drunk On The Streets Tonight.

Quiet, Modest And Unassuming, Mr. Savage Exemplified The Qualities For Which America Is Admired Across The Globe.

Get It? We're Being Metaphorical. Trust Us, Chicks Dig Metaphors.

The Colonel's Friends All Believed It Was Gaddafi's Fascination With Thriller-Era Michael Jackson That Prevented His Promotion To General.

This Beautiful Creature Learned Too Late That If Something Lives, The Germans Will Find A Way To Kill It.

This One Time, When Smaktakula Was In Juvenile Hall On An Arson Charge, He Met A Guy Who Claimed To Be Jani Lane's Half-Brother, And Damned If The Kid Didn't Look Just Like Him. No, That's It.

Old Friend, We'll Miss You Most Of All. Circumstances Demand That We Dispense With The Childish, Insensitive Caricatures Upon Which We So Often Rely, But Rather, Respect Your Culture By Offering You A Farewell Not Only More Dignified, But In Keeping With The Proud Traditions Of Korea. In This Last Hour, Dear Leader, We Say Simply, "Sayonara."

¹ While it’s not actually a secret that 100 US ‘advisers’ have been sent to the DRC to help combat the Lord’s Resistance Army, it might as well be for all the media talks about it. ∞T.
² ‘Penises’ is the accepted plural of ‘penis,’ but Promethean Times has always been, and will forever proudly remain, a penii-loving publication.  ∞T.
³ It’s a joke, Tanzr–don’t let it curdle your yogurt soda.  Yes, what happened to your great-great aunt whatsername at the hands of the Turks all those years was a tragedy, but at least we provided a link to Wikipedia.  That’s a hell of a lot more than the US Government ever did. ∞T.

Royals: Keeping It In The Family

03 Tuesday May 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, History

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Alexei Nikolaevich, Beatrice of York, blue-bloods, Britain's Royal Family, Buckingham Palace, childish sexual innuendo, congenital afflictions, European Royalty, France, Great Britain, hemophilia, HURRR!, incest, Kate Middleton, King Ralph, Louis XIV, Nicholas II, Prince Andrew, Prince William, Princess Beatrice, Royal Disease, Royal weddings, Royals, royaltard, Sarah Ferguson, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, spokescow, United Kingdom, Weight Watchers

By Smaktakula

Actually, There Are Far Worse Congenital Defects Associated With Inbreeding Than Simply Being A Moronic Sack Of Manatee Blubber.

Most people know that in days of yore European royalty was a tight-knit club.  So tight-knit, in fact, that intermarriages among the various royal families increasingly began to produce malignant progeny who were deformities, idiots and stillbirths.  History is replete with whispered tales of these chromosomally-challenged royals, persisting even into the 20th with the feeble Alexei Nikolaevich, son of Nicholas II, the last Czar of Russia.  Hemophilia was so pronounced among previous generations of elites, that it earned itself the magisterial nickname, ‘The Royal Disease.’

Progeny Of Incestuous Unions Are Often Afflicted With Rodent-Like Features.

But few realize that the royal curse persists to this day.  It is a topic the press ignores by silent consensus, and one about which the public prudently remains uninquisitive.   Perhaps this is because, even for people living outside the United Kingdom, the British Royal Family epitomizes dignity, nobility and class; the thought of the Earl of Twaddle-upon-Bumheath flinging his own poo at the Duchess of Queef is almost too much to bear.

Wait Your Turn, Lads!--At Least Four Royals Would Have To Die Before Either Of These Young Lords Can Hope To Assume The Throne.

Recently, the world was forced to acknowledge the Royal Secret when, at the recent wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton, photographers snapped several pictures of one of these blue-blood unfortunates.  Historically, Buckingham Palace has kept a tight rein on these high-born embarrassments, but the Palace has liberalized considerably in recent years.  This is thought to be the reason that at least one of these creatures was allowed to not only be seen in public, but to be photographed.

The Hereditary Deformities Of French Monarch Louis XIV Spawned A Cruel National Nickname.

The royaltard in question is Beatrice of York, daughter of former Weight Watchers spokescow and attempted royal access merchant Sarah Ferguson and her former husband, the all-around cad Prince Andrew.  Beatrice appears in several wedding photos, sporting a unique piece of headgear she designed herself.  When asked the significance of the bizarre accoutrement, Beatrice replied with a series of soft mewling sounds.

"Mummy! I'm A Teletubby!"

Beatrice: A Very Special Royal

"HUURRRRR!"

"I'm Beetruth! Hooray For Beetruth!"

Oh God, That Is SO Cute! Smaktakula Had A Hamster That Used To Do That. He Just Couldn't Get The Concept Of Glass.

Beatrice, Sweetie--Don't Lie To Mummy. Now, I'll Ask You Just Once More: Did You Smear Nectar In Your Hair Again?

"Loo Loo Loo, You Can't See Me! Loo Loo Loo!"

Historical Figures With Unfortunate Nicknames: ‘Black Dick’ Howe

23 Thursday Sep 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, History

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

1st Earl Howe, Admiral Richard Howe, American Revolution, Black Dick, crotch rot, Great Britain, Lord Howe, Prince Harry, Prince William, Royal Navy, Rum Buggery & The Lash, STDs, Tunisian Tart, unfortunate nicknames, United Kingdom, venereal disease, War for American Independence, War with the Colonies

By Smaktakula

Admiral Richard Howe, the 1st Earl Howe (1726-1799), led a distinguished and remarkable life. Taking to the sea at an early age, Howe fought for Great Britain in many Eighteenth Century conflicts, including the War for American Independence.  Today, Lord Howe’s name is immortalized in ships and towns throughout the remaining rump of the British Empire.  Prince William, England’s future king, and his loutish brother Harry number among Howe’s descendants.

Despite so much good luck and historical recognition (Britain’s near-success against the rebellious colonies notwithstanding), Howe will forever be burdened by the odious sobriquet: Black Dick.

Beyond The Black: In Later Years Lord Howe Had To Hold The Damned Thing In Place If He Didn't Want To Make A Scene.

Are you kids sure you want to hear the story of how Grandpa got his nickname again?  You’ve heard this a million times.
Oh, all right, then.
Once, when your grandpa was a wee lad, not much older than yourselves, he met a tart from Tunisia . . .

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