Tag Archives: incest

Headlines: 09.17.12

17 Monday Sep 2012

Posted by in Celebrity, Culture, Entertainment, Politics, Science, Sport, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

‘Cause You’ve Already Got The Job, Bro-Ski!

As the news articles of the day are so replete with unfamiliar words and challenging concepts, we’re happy simply to comment on the headlines.

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Carrying these babies for my brother ~ Is considered taboo outside of Appalachia.

Gulag Reform: Will China Stop Sending Its Dissidents to Labor Camps?  ~ If you first ask yourself just what actions the global community has taken to discourage China’s illiberal ways, you can probably answer this one on your own.

The World’s Oldest Profession For Men ~ Hunter-gatherer.

Shuttle Endeavour embarking on new mission to Los Angeles museum ~ It’ll be the shuttle’s least dangerous and most boring mission to date!

Sea Otters To Combat Climate Change? ~ The working plan is for these adorable sea-weasels to smash climate change against their tummies with a rock.

A Great Many “Green” Initiatives Are Mostly About Looking Cute Anyway.

 Baltimore to immigrants: Welcome in, no questions asked ~ Well, someone’s got to live in that shithole. Why not someone who doesn’t know any better?

Romney assails Obama campaign on Akin, abortion ~ That’s a curious–and rather bold–strategy. But sometimes you’ve just got to turn into the skid, folks.

Muslim leaders are told NYPD spying in NJ ended ~ Civil libertarians praised the decision, saying that the Bill of Rights grants every citizen the right to plot the downfall of the Great Satan without said malefic supernatural entity breathing down his neck.

Michael Phelps spotted with girlfriend on red carpet ~ Do you sometimes wonder if we ever come up with a clever response which is in such cataclysmically rotten taste that even we refuse to use it? Wonder no longer, Friends!

The Weatherman Is Not a Moron ~ What? Sorry, that’s “Mormon.” The weatherman isn’t a Mormon. He certainly is a moron, though.

Dictators are only a couple of belly laughs from revolution ~ Successful dictators simply don’t get jokes.

Zimbabwe’s ChocoFührer Credits His Longevity To Being Terrifyingly Unfunny.

Who’s the monkey? ~ You are, fuck-face. We thought that since you asked, you really wanted to know.

Son, I Think We Know Why You’ve Been Having A Hard Time Getting A Date ~ It’s because you’re adopted. Ha ha! Your mom and I wracked our brains trying think of a funny way to tell you. Sorry, Son–I don’t know why you’re such a loser with the ladies–but I can tell you for sure that you didn’t get it from me!

The light, dark side of anti-Semitism ~ It’s a Frosted Mini-Wheat of intolerance!

Viral video: Sheep that screams like a human ~ It’s an a-a-a-a-a-bomin-a-a-a-a-tion.

Teachers’ Strike in Chicago Tests Mayor and Union ~ Since most of those folks were educated in the Chicago School District, unless someone feeds them the answers, they’re most likely gonna fail that test.

Al Gore calls for an end to the Electoral College ~ After all the Electoral College has done for him? Talk about an ingrate.

Although Regarded By Many As The Winner Of The 2000 US Presidential Election, Al Gore Has Thrown Himself Wholeheartedly Into His New Role As ‘Loser.’

What’s a $4000 Suit Worth? ~ A  € 3,097 suit, a kimono worth 311,025 Yen, or a filthy scrap of burlap with holes cut in it for 1,447,600 Zimbabwean Dollars.

Shark attack Paralympian pictures great white chasing him to win bronze ~ Considering what it cost you, if you had to do it again, do you think you’d picture that monster chasing you for at least a silver?

Opting Out of the ‘Rug Rat Race’ ~ Will put you in a much better position to succeed financially. This one isn’t a joke, people.

Who Is The Smallest Government Spender Since Eisenhower? Would You Believe It’s Barack Obama? ~ Nope. You don’t really believe that either.

If Joe Blanton likes boos, he’s pitching the right way ~ We’re pretty sure that he doesn’t dig the animus from fans at all, and that he just sucks ass.

‘The Waltons’ Meets ‘Modern Family’ ~ Not nearly as charming as we thought it would be. It ends with someone squealing like a pig, if you catch our drift.

“Now, Just What The Hell Do You Mean, ‘Goodnight, John Boy’? The Evening’s Still Young, Sweet-Ass, And You Look About As Juicy As A Freshwater Clam.”

Bill passes to keep mentally ill sex predators off streets ~ Violent sex-fiends do their best work indoors anyhow.

Banning weed is bad medicine ~ THANK YOU.

Girl found in NY lake clinging to dead body ~ Sure it’s icky, but keep in mind this happened in New York. The young woman used the water-logged corpse as a flotation device because her only other choices were a box of medical waste and another corpse.

Romney on healthcare, taxes ~ “Don’t need it, don’t pay ’em.”

The Biggest Innovations in the History of Food ~Sliced bread is often held up as a prime example.

Obama greeted with bear hug by pizza parlor owner ~ BREAKING NEWS: Local lunatic gunned down by Secret Service. Details after the break.

A Nice Sign Or A Friendly Wave Usually Work Best.

Wonder Twins: Deactivated

11 Friday May 2012

Posted by in Culture, Entertainment

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By Smaktakula

“Form Of: Unnatural Urges!” “Shape Of: Cultural Taboos!”

Although younger readers may not remember the Super Friends TV show, to millions of children growing up in the 1970s and 1980s, this collection of sissy do-gooders was as beloved as any other family member.  With its membership boasting such heroic A-Listers as Superman, Batman and Wonder Woman, as well as useless queer0s like Aquaman and Robin, the Boy Wonder, the Super-Friends enjoyed the advantage of being for a time the only super-hero show on TV.

They Let Aquaman Join–How Super Can They Be?

But the program’s executives wanted more youthful characters to whom the show’s primary audience of children could better relate.  It was pointed out that although Robin is ostensibly a teenager, the results of focus group studies indicated that younger audiences responded positively to adolescent heroes whom Batman was not fucking.

Don’t Judge. It Was A Different Time.

The first results of this experiment were safe, if unexciting.  For a few seasons the adult heroes were joined by non-powered teens Wendy Harris and Marvin White, and the caped canine, Wonder Dog.  Perhaps sensing the potentially catastrophic potential in sending children to battle alongside spandex-clad gods, after just a few seasons the show’s producers went back to the drawing board to create new sidekicks.  By keeping the elements of Wendy and Marvin that worked (a teenaged male-female pair with a comically useless pet) while ditching what didn’t (their humanity), the Super-Friends achieved their greatest character success: the Wonder Twins.

“C’Mon–I’m Just Shaggy With A Green Towel On My Shoulders. You Can’t Tell Me We’re Not The Lamest Super-Heroes Of All Time.”

The Wonder Twins were Zan and Jayna, extraterrestrial visitors from the planet Exxor, who had unusual powers which would work only in conjunction with one another.  However, in a nod to their predecessors, Wendy and Marvin, their powers were exceedingly lame and practically useless.  By touching their rings together, each twin could assume a variety of unique forms.  Zan’s ability was to transform himself into water, steam or ice.  Jayna could change into an animal.  The Wonder Twins, along with their mutant space-monkey Gleek, served to add not only much-needed comedy relief for the otherwise-serious show, but also provided ready-made hostages for the Super-Friends to rescue week after week.

This Was Pretty Much The Extent Of Their Abilities.

But by the time the 1990s rolled around, the Wonder Twins were gone from the television screen, their memories already fading into pop-culture trivia.  The 1988 National Enquirer article which proved the final nail in the coffin of the twins’ career is remembered by some, but it is the revelations contained in that article which continue to bedevil the twins’ reputation to present.  These allegations and the Wonder Twins’ subsequent descent into ignominy reminds us that no matter who or how powerful you are, the viewing public is not yet ready to tolerate either incest or monkey-fucking.

“You May Think It’s Weird & Creepy–But On Exxor, EVERYBODY Does It!”

Stupid People: Way More Fun Than TV

06 Friday Jan 2012

Posted by in Crime, Culture, News, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

Morons Make Us Feel Just A Little Bit Smarter.

Today, almost anyone can get himself arrested.  It doesn’t take style, flair or even imagination–with 1% of the US population behind bars, it’s easy to see that getting busted in America is pretty routine.  It’s not surprising then, that when individuals take the extra effort to ensure that their crimes are particularly shameful, we sit up and take notice.  It is with no small amount of pleasure that we present to you the following tales of delightfully dimwitted and debased douchebaggery.

Enjoy!

“Hey Jordy! I Can See Your Trailer From Here!”

Keepin’ It In The Family II: The Cousining

Like all couples, Erica Wilson and Jesse Brooks of Rogersville, Tennessee had their share of fights.  But in November of 2011, the two engaged in combat so fierce and bloody that the police were forced to intervene.

In the moments before the melee, the pair had been discussing their relationship.  When Brooks began to affectionately grope Wilson, cooing “I want you,” she rebuffed him, explaining she expected more from their relationship than to simply be a “booty call.”  The fight erupted in earnest when Brooks expressed a desire to keep the relationship strictly sexual, explaining that, as he and Wilson were first cousins, anything more would be kind of icky.

Take Some Comfort That They’re Not Breeding With The Normals.

Bushwhacked!

Megan Barnes isn’t a wealthy woman.  She will never have a huge lawn to keep tight and trim, nor any landscaped topiary to adorn her home.  Despite her obvious disadvantages, the skanky Southern belle prides herself on her personal grooming.

This attention to detail is the most likely the reason that, while driving her vehicle in Cudjoe Key, Florida, Barnes plowed into the back of a pickup truck.  She lost control of the vehicle when she turned over the steering chores to her ex-husband, a passenger in the vehicle.  However, the fastidious floozy provided a reason for her inattention, explaining that she had been on her way to see her boyfriend,  and needed her hands free for the important work of shaving her ‘bikini area.‘

It Just Makes For Easier Access.

A Horror In Blue

Galway, Ireland, the folksy tourist-trap of the Emerald Isle, is typically a friendly town.  Like all Irishmen, from Rosslare Harbour to Portrush, Galwegians are a drunken, cheerful lot.  But a Halloween home invasion has loosed a dark current of fear throughout the city.

One innocent citizen was sleeping off his night’s meal of Guinness and Jameson when he was awakened by an intruder in his bedroom.  To the man’s horror, the assailant was a six-foot tall smurf, who, in a final ghastly indignity, turned out to be drunk and horny.  Although it was revealed to be a case of mistaken identity, with Inebriate Smurf in the wrong home, this news will most likely do little to ease the long-term psychological trauma inherent in such a terrifying episode.

Sometimes Papa Just Needs A Piece Of Ass That Isn’t Blue.

Marry Me, Stupid

26 Thursday May 2011

Posted by in Culture, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

The Whitaker-Whitaker Wedding Was The Biggest Shindig Taint Junction Had Seen In Living Memory. The Kids Gorged Themselves On Mayonnaise-Fried Ho-Hos, While The Adults Stood Around Drinking Turpentine From Dixie Cups.*

Throughout history, marriage has held a special place in human society.  It is one of the unique links that unites not just the different peoples of the world, but also every strata of society within individual cultures.  The rich marry, and so do the poor.  Matrimony is enjoyed by the intelligent, and by the very stupid, too.

Although the institution of marriage or some form of monogamy is nearly universal, there are vast gulfs in the way different cultures and subcultures perceive marriage.  In the West, by far the most interesting relationships are between the very dumb.  Virtually every aspect of these dimwitted relationships–the laughter, the crying, the acrimonious arguments at 2:00 AM on the front stoop–is fodder for a voyeuristic public.

Anna Nicole Was Dumb Enough To Go Down On A Microphone, And Yet She Too Found Love. Alas, It Hardly Matters As She's Dead Now.

A Florida couple, just starting out on love’s meth-addled journey, have provided fresh swill for the trough.  The unidentified man and his intended found a way to share with the whole town the good news of their retarded union.

Wanting to declare his love in writing, but rather than employ a method so prosaic as a note, the retarded Romeo spray-painted his proposal on the garage door of a Lehigh Acres home: ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME ALISON?’  The home was not his own.  Alison responded with a spray-painted affirmative.

The Mating Call Of The Red-Throated Methsucker.

“The choice of location is appropriate,” says Dr. Emil Haagerdäddi, chairman Emeritus of the University of Kentucky’s Department of Real American Studies and author of Crackers, Rednecks and Hicks: White Trash Culture in These United States.  “I surmise that the young man’s home–most likely his grandmother’s trailer–is in some way an unsuitable canvas for his purposes.”

Sometimes Temporary Unions Form In Which Only One Partner Is A Moron. In At Least One Instance, This Has Resulted In Teenage Mutant Ninja Herpes.

Unions between idiots are generally encouraged by society, as it keeps feeble genes within certain communities, and limits their introduction among the normals.  Haagerdäddi claims that these fears are overblown, since “These mouth-breathers often lack a chromosome or two, rendering them incapable of reproduction.  They’re essentially mules with opposable thumbs.”

The Doctor cautions, however, that “When they are able to breed, they breed like rabbits.”

The Maury Povich Show Is A Great Resource, Providing Paternity Tests The Unintelligent. We're Rooting For This Guy!

* Or as they’re called in those parts, ‘cups.’  ∞T.

Royals: Keeping It In The Family

03 Tuesday May 2011

Posted by in Celebrity, Culture, History

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By Smaktakula

Actually, There Are Far Worse Congenital Defects Associated With Inbreeding Than Simply Being A Moronic Sack Of Manatee Blubber.

Most people know that in days of yore European royalty was a tight-knit club.  So tight-knit, in fact, that intermarriages among the various royal families increasingly began to produce malignant progeny who were deformities, idiots and stillbirths.  History is replete with whispered tales of these chromosomally-challenged royals, persisting even into the 20th with the feeble Alexei Nikolaevich, son of Nicholas II, the last Czar of Russia.  Hemophilia was so pronounced among previous generations of elites, that it earned itself the magisterial nickname, ‘The Royal Disease.’

Progeny Of Incestuous Unions Are Often Afflicted With Rodent-Like Features.

But few realize that the royal curse persists to this day.  It is a topic the press ignores by silent consensus, and one about which the public prudently remains uninquisitive.   Perhaps this is because, even for people living outside the United Kingdom, the British Royal Family epitomizes dignity, nobility and class; the thought of the Earl of Twaddle-upon-Bumheath flinging his own poo at the Duchess of Queef is almost too much to bear.

Wait Your Turn, Lads!--At Least Four Royals Would Have To Die Before Either Of These Young Lords Can Hope To Assume The Throne.

Recently, the world was forced to acknowledge the Royal Secret when, at the recent wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton, photographers snapped several pictures of one of these blue-blood unfortunates.  Historically, Buckingham Palace has kept a tight rein on these high-born embarrassments, but the Palace has liberalized considerably in recent years.  This is thought to be the reason that at least one of these creatures was allowed to not only be seen in public, but to be photographed.

The Hereditary Deformities Of French Monarch Louis XIV Spawned A Cruel National Nickname.

The royaltard in question is Beatrice of York, daughter of former Weight Watchers spokescow and attempted royal access merchant Sarah Ferguson and her former husband, the all-around cad Prince Andrew.  Beatrice appears in several wedding photos, sporting a unique piece of headgear she designed herself.  When asked the significance of the bizarre accoutrement, Beatrice replied with a series of soft mewling sounds.

"Mummy! I'm A Teletubby!"

Beatrice: A Very Special Royal

"HUURRRRR!"

"I'm Beetruth! Hooray For Beetruth!"

Oh God, That Is SO Cute! Smaktakula Had A Hamster That Used To Do That. He Just Couldn't Get The Concept Of Glass.

Beatrice, Sweetie--Don't Lie To Mummy. Now, I'll Ask You Just Once More: Did You Smear Nectar In Your Hair Again?

"Loo Loo Loo, You Can't See Me! Loo Loo Loo!"

This Day In History: April 12th, 1861 CE

12 Tuesday Apr 2011

Posted by in Culture, History

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On which South Carolinians use martial means to express their displeasure with the Yankee occupation.

This Wasn't Just About Slavery, But States' Rights As Well. Also Sister-Marryin'.

“Fellahs!  Fellahs!  We’re all Americans here–let’s remember to keep things civil.”

Incest: On The Other Hand…

30 Wednesday Mar 2011

Posted by in Crime, Culture, News

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By Smaktakula

Although Both Parties Are Irish, Alcohol Is Only Partially Responsible For This Horror.

The world was aghast to learn that contemptible degenerate Garry Ryan had impregnated his equally loathsome daughter, Penny Lawrence.  Ryan had first proved his douchebag bona fides at the tender age of eighteen when he impregnated and subsequently abandoned Lawrence’s mother, who has since passed away.

The couple met for the first time after Lawrence tracked Ryan down.  Her mother and grandparents having all died by the time she was eighteen, Lawrence felt there was an aching void within her, an emptiness which could only be satisfied by one man–her father.  The morally-ambivalent trollop flew to Houston to be with Ryan, and the pair soon embarked upon a sexual relationship.

According To Legend, Nimrod The Hunter Engaged In An Incestuous Relationship With His Mother, Making Him First And Foremost Among Incestuous Nimrods.

The loving couple was initially greeted by an outpouring of condemnation,  but this rush to judgement was soon tempered by new information.  Although Ryan and Lawrence appeared at first to be degenerate beasts engaging in an abominable act long thought to be an affront to both God Almighty and human sensibilities, it now appears the star-crossed pair may be victims of an insidious disorder: Genetic Sexual Attraction.

Proponents of the GSA theory say that the disorder can compel blood relatives into an incestuous attraction when they meet for the first time as adults.  This attraction, they explain, is due in large part to the natural affinity humans feel for other people with similar facial features.

Don't Be So Quick To Judge: This Happened A Long Time Ago, And Far Far Away.

Says GSA theorist Dr. Emil Haagerdäddi, “GSA is finally gaining acceptance among the scientific fringe.  With more attention being focused on this pernicious disorder, it increases the visibility of other poorly-understood disorders, such as Horse-Fucker Syndrome.  You know, approximately 23% of Oklahoma’s population suffers from HFS.”

However, GSA skeptics–and there are a few–aren’t so sure.  So far, these critics have failed to mount a solid case against GSA, largely confining their arguments to the fact that GSA is recognized by no medical, psychological or legal authority, and moreover that incest has been an unshakable and nearly universal taboo throughout humanity’s long and varied history.

"STEP-Sister? Roger That, Voyager One--You Are Cleared For Take Off."

Despite the known tendency of such unions to produce submoronic banjo prodigies, the Thing Which Should Not Be in Lawrence’s uterus is not believed to be hideously deformed.  Eventually, the couple says they would like to have a second child.

“Guess why!” Ryan demands.  Quick on his heels, Lawrence adds, “Go on, guess!”

Bad Things Happen When Cousins Breed.

Headlines 03.25.11

25 Friday Mar 2011

Posted by in News

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By Smaktakula and Various Editors

In which we sound off on the headlines, without bothering to read the articles.

Single, Female, Mormon, Alone~That could not be any sexier.

“I Don’t Care About Anyone Else/When I Think About You I Touch Myself.”

Suspect Confesses to Murdering Pakistani Politician~When you’re interrogated by the Pakistani ISI, you’ll pretty much tell them you’re an alligator if that’s what they want to hear.

Michael Lohan loses his cool~Believing MiLo ever had any cool requires a colossal leap of faith.

Billy Ray Cyrus Wants Whoopi Goldberg to Star In His Movie~This thing’s  got “hit” written all over it.

Cable car rear-ended near San Francisco Union Square-~If you’re looking to get rear-ended, that’s a pretty good place for it.

“We’re Here! We’re Queer! Get Used To It! DING! DING!”

Five Biggest Mistakes Retirees Make~The first one is retiring.

Ark. cities feel unexplained surge in earthquakes~Perhaps God is angry about all the incest.

Essay: Elizabeth Taylor, the woman who invented celebrity~Translation: “Look, I was born in the age of color TV and I really don’t know who that is, okay?”

Reunited After All These Years. We’re Talking, Of Course, About Her Ankles.

San Jose man dies after collapsing at GOP party~He was no doubt shocked to find Republicans in San Jose.

Sting puts 14 of 14 tour buses stopped at single NYC checkpoint off road~We stopped reading when we found out they weren’t talking about the insufferable easy-listening singer.

EXCLUSIVE: Lindsay Lohan Refused To Visit Dad on ‘Family Day’ at Celebrity Rehab~It’s nice to see Lindsay making adult decisions.

Western air strikes fail to dislodge Gaddafi~When was the last time airstrikes dislodged anyone?

The Exception Which Proves The Rule.

Welcome to the Libyan front. Have a juice box.-~Fuck your juice box, cocksnipe–Get me out of the sand!