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Tag Archives: France

Headlines 07.13.12

13 Friday Jul 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, History, News

≈ 47 Comments

Tags

British smiles, CIA, France, Friday the 13th, Germany, headlines, Iran, Mexico, porn, Queen Elizabeth II, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, Smaktakula's hatred of the San Francisco Giants, United Kingdom

By Smaktakula

We’re Just A Little Surprised That Hallmark Hasn’t Figured Out A Way To Cash In On This Yet.

In which we comment on the day’s headlines without first bothering to read the stories.

***

More Women Look Over the Counter for a Libido Fix ~ At Waldo’s ‘All Things Vibrating’ Pleasure Emporium.

How to Tell Your Partner You Have IBD: 7 Ways to Make Them Understand ~ Irritable Bowel Disorder? Somehow, we think your partner already knows.

Ticks & Pregnancy: How To Protect Yourself ~Ticks are sweet-talkers, that’s for sure, but you need to protect yourself, Honey. You tell him, “I don’t care if it IS smaller than a dust mote–no glove, no love!”

Should Everyone Get an Instadeath Pill When They Turn 75? ~ Oooh, great question! Ask yourself that one when you turn 74, jackass.

Motorcycle officer lassos runaway bull ~ Wow! A dude could fly to the moon, cure cancer, bang the Queen of England and STILL not be as cool as that guy.

Whatever. You Know You Would.

Dominic Deville, An Evil Birthday Clown, Stalks Your Child For A Fee ~ Yawn. Thanks to the National Sex Offender registry, it’s never been easier to find someone who will pay ME for the privilege of stalking my child.

Mom Who Wants 14-Year-Old to Get Breast Implants Needs Serious Help ~ No kidding she does!–Junior Misses’ Fake Funbags don’t come cheap. So pony up, folks!

Former CIA spy advocates overthrow of Iranian regime ~ “The way I see it, we could depose the legitimate government, and maybe put in some despotic strongman who will act in the interest of the oil companies for twenty-five years or so until the people rise up and replace him with an anachronistic and dangerously intolerant theocracy, which could then seize a bunch of Americans…wait, wait, wait…did we already do this?”

Hotel guard kills self in gun prank; CCTV footage records incident ~ Ha! Good one! And he got it on camera so he can watch it later.

7 Ways You’re Hurting Your Daughter’s Future ~ #5 is not getting her the Barbie Ultimate Dream Playhouse she’s been asking for. She’s not fucking kidding about that.

Greek leader defies France, Germany on their turf ~ Picking on the French is no big deal; you can kick ’em through the streets of Paris if that’s your thing. But leave the krauts alone. When those people get the idea in their heads that there’s an insidious foreign presence in their midst…well, they go a little nuts.

Seriously, Greece–Put Some Thought Into It Next Time. Do You Really Think Poland Likes Having To Start From Scratch Every Couple Generations?

Saddened Town Recalls History With Drug Giant ~ When he was sober, Paul was a gentleman. But then he’d get to sniffing that glue, and it wouldn’t be long before every building in town was a pile of smashed timber and the streets drowned in a river of blue ox-shit.

Anti-booty camp for male teen porn addicts ~ The camp experience harkens back to an earlier time, when there was no electricity or running water, and teenage boys had to flog the dolphin to a crumpled picture of Kathy Ireland from the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue.

WILL FERRELL AND GORDON RAMSAY INJURED IN CHARITY SOCCER MATCH ~ Sometimes you don’t have to look very far to find proof of God’s existence.

When a Government Rapes Its People ~ Well, what did the people expect, going out dressed like that?

Study – Cancer Survivors Die From Other Things ~ Yeah, that’s  a mind-blower. But here’s where it really gets weird: it turns out that people who DON’T get cancer die of other things at an even higher rate!

Sandy Alderson rips SF Giants fans ~ Those people are just plain evil, and the reasons to hate them myriad.

Wearing This Cap Is An Excellent Way To Tell The World That You Were Suckled By A She-Lemur And That You Think The Holocaust Was A Great Big Lie.

Parents Charged With Killing Daughter’s Pimp Acted Too Late ~ Apparently, pimp-killin’ has a very specific, 24-hour legal window. After that, you have to settle for a pimp-slap.

Why Is The Penis Shaped Like That?  ~ Really? So Mom & Dad never had this talk with you? Okay, well have you ever noticed how your index finger is shaped perfectly to fit inside your nostril? It’s kinda like that.

The Y-Chromosome Is Shrinking! Will Men Go Extinct? ~ If so, you won’t have very long to savor your victory.

New Mexican President Could Target Small Gangs ~ Entirely likely, as it’s the larger gangs to which he’s beholden, like the Zetas or the Mexican Army.

Kate Middleton’s ‘Rotten’ Teeth Reveal the Secret Behind Her Smile ~ It’s no secret that Kate’s British.

The Pain Can Help You Forget That You’re Eating A Boiled Kidney Pop-Tart With Blood-Gravy Filling Swimming In Brown Sauce And Vinegar.

Take That Frog Out Of Your Mouth!

28 Wednesday Mar 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture

≈ 26 Comments

Tags

English, France, German, liberty cabbage, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, talk American!, the French, United States of America, Why am I so stupid?

By Smaktakula

Love It Or Leave It! But If You Want To Make It A Little Easier For Everyone, You’ll Love It.

The American Language is an adaptive and remarkable tongue, borrowing unhesitatingly from other languages such as Latin, German and English. But this easy exchange of language is dependent at the very least upon non-hostility between America and the lucky nation whose language is being appropriated. When relations between the US and the donor country are strained, language is often the first victim.

Even Our Grammar Is Remarkably Free!

Anti-German sentiment during the First World War caused significant changes in language. Not only did the British ruling family, then known as the House of Saxe-Coburg, change its name to the more Anglo-acceptable (and decidedly Hallmarky) name of ‘Windsor,’ but also prompted Americans to change the names of foodstuffs such as Frankfurters and sauerkraut. The hot-dogs earned the ridiculous sobriquet ‘Liberty Pups,’ while the inedible rancid condiment was called ‘Liberty Cabbage.’

German Names Are Already Pretty Fucked-Up.

Increasingly, however, Americans have grown too stupid even to recognize words as being of foreign origin, and tend to express their frustrations toward words which so obviously pertain to foreign cultures as to be unmistakable. A relatively recent example of this was during the United States’ Second Groovy Gulf Adventure, when France, heretofore such a reliable and staunch ally, did not count itself among the ‘Coalition of the Willing.” Jacques Chirac, the then-French President, stated unequivocally that French forces would not be used for military adventurism, but would instead stand ready for the inevitable day when they would be once again called upon to surrender their beloved homeland to the invading Germans. Americans responded by changing the name of the one French thing everybody could identify: French Fries. That’s why today, every red-blooded American patriot still calls the greasy little spuds ‘Freedom Fries.’

I Have Not Yet Begun To Fight. No, Really–I’m Not All That Invested.

However, is it enough to simply change the name of a single–if popular–artery-clogging snack? Of course it isn’t–and if you had to think about that answer, ‘Comrade,’ then you’ve clearly demonstrated on which side of the Axis of Evil you rotate. Effective immediately, Promethean Times demands that all good Americans (by which we mean the world’s population) refer to “French” concepts by their newly coined acceptable patriotic substitutes.

Talking American

French Cuffs: Freedom Cuffs

French Kissing: Liberty Licking

French Door: Escape Hatch

French Manicure: The Columbia Clip

In America, Our Patriotism Extends All The Way To The Cellular Level. Even The Dead Ones.

French’s Mustard: La Sauce de Capitulation (colloquially known as ‘surrender sauce’)

French Curve: Triumphant Arch (see what we did there?)

French Braid: Bad Hair Day

French Roast: Shock & Java

French Stewart: Indiana Jones

The French Connection: Syphilis

“Le Sale Français.”

Headlines 03.06.12

06 Tuesday Mar 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Cinema, Culture, Entertainment, Music, News, Politics, Stupidity

≈ 11 Comments

Tags

1906 San Francisco Earthquake, boobs, breastuses, Celebrity Death Watch, date rape, Dave Mustaine, death by old age, divorce, Does Nature Want You Dead? Yes It Does., Drew Barrymore, drugs, dyslexia, Eddie Murphy, fat people, France, has-beens, headlines, heroin, hos, Lady Gaga, LiLo, Lindsay Lohan, little people, LSD, Lybia, lycergic acid diethylamide. LSD not LDS which is something very different, Megadeth, moobs, poor judgement, pop biology, prostitution, Rick Santorum, Shakira, short people, skanks, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, Smaktakula's distrust of short people, stalkers, Star Trek, sweet lady meg, the French, Trekkies, trippin' balls, TSA, Where Are They Now?, Why am I so fat?, Why am I so lonely?, Why am I so stupid?, women of easy virtue

By Smaktakula

Oh, Man! If We Had A Dime For Every Time This Has Happened.

In which we opine upon the headlines of the day without first reading the articles.

***

Megadeth’s Dave Mustaine backs Rick Santorum ~ See Kids? A bacchanalian life of drug-fueled debauchery is not without its consequences. Although the pernicious effects of addiction upon the family structure are well-documented and widely known, critical-thinking skills and good judgement are additional casualties.

The Upside of Dyslexia ~ There is no dog-bamn u9sibe!

‘Star Trek’ Divorce: Fan Forced To Leave Spaceship Digs ~ He should take some consolation in the fact that as someone who has, however briefly, known the carnal delights of female affection, he’s relatively unique among Trekkies.

Don’t worry, Eddie Murphy lives ~ We weren’t worried. Were you?

Libyan militia accused of torturing to death ambassador to France ~ The ambassador repeatedly cried out “Mercy,” which as you know means ‘thank you’ in French, so in a way he was asking for it.

When It Comes To Holding A Grudge, Smaktakula Does Not Fuck Around.

Story: Woman stalked for 17 years: ‘I don’t think it’s over’ ~ Really? After nearly two decades, you don’t think he’s ready to move on?

Miracle baby born from a single sperm ~ Although we were inattentive (at best) in biology class, our understanding is that barring a multiple birth, the formula is 1 sperm +1 egg = 1 very expensive, back-talking pet.

Rising NBA star sleeps on sofa ~ That’s where a lot of former NBA stars sleep as well.

OUTRAGE: TEEN PERP INVOLVED IN NEAR-FATAL SHOPPING CART PUSH MAY WALK ~ Would you people rather have him go through life a cripple? Not Promethean Times. We believe in you, Teen Perp!

So Very Brave.

“Help! I hate my husband.” ~ It sounds like you’re doing just fine, and don’t need our help despising your spouse.

One-Night Stand or Rape? ~ If you can’t satisfactorily answer that question on your own, maybe you shouldn’t drink so much.

Shakira saved from sea lion ~ How many times do we have to tell you?–Nature does not have your best interests at heart.

Gaga’s scent smells like expensive hookers ~ We prefer the delightful bouquet of burned crack infused with fear-sweat and just a hint of urine that distinguishes so many of today’s down-market hos.

Her Designer Fragrance Is Called ‘As Dead I Well May Be.’

Evidence: Hitler had love child ~ ‘Love’ child doesn’t really work in the same sentence as ‘Hitler.’ We know it’s not particularly politically correct, but if there’s ever a time to bring back ‘bastard,’ this is it.

Really? The Claim: Excess Weight Raises the Risk of Acne ~ Because it’s that zit on your nose that’s keeping you home on Saturday nights, man-tits.

Style icon dies at fashion show ~ How gauche!

Police: Mom gave kids heroin ~ Kids today don’t know how nice they have it. We considered ourselves lucky if Mom gave us a nutmeg & codeine-syrup cocktail and told us to ‘Fuck off for a few hours,’ so she and Uncle Whatshisname could have some privacy.

O’Donnell & Handler offend little people ~ Yeah, but who cares what the little people think?

Making People Short Is God’s Way Of Letting Us Know They Don’t Matter.

San Fran earthquake survivor dies at 109 ~ When you take into account that the Great Quake was in 1906, it’s tragic how long that guy suffered.

Is Drew Barrymore Expecting? ~ Expecting what? We figure if that chick were fertile, she’d have been knocked up years ago.

TSA agent turns mother’s boobs into tourist attraction ~ We visited. Truly a land of milk & honey.

Ohio victim’s brother: ‘Lost my best friend’ ~ And his brother got killed–talk about a shitty day!

Cocktail of Popular Drugs May Cloud Brain ~ Wait–intoxication is a possible side-effect of consuming drugs? The devil you say!

I Was Only Dropping Acid To Restore My Ph Balance, And Had No Clue That I’d Be Trippin’ Balls. I’m A Gazebo, By The Way.

***

More Current Events Irresponsibility:

  • Promethean Times Responds To The Headlines
  • Headlines II
  • Headlines III
  • Headlines IV
  • Headlines V
  • Headlines VI
  • Headlines VII
  • Headlines VIII
  • Headlines IX
  • Headlines X
  • Headlines XI
  • Headlines XII
  • Headlines XIII

Prophet’s Stint As Guest-Editor Of Humor Magazine Surprisingly Unfunny

30 Wednesday Nov 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture, News, Politics, Religion

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Allah, bunched panties, censorship, Charlie Hebdo, Christians, France, Islam, Jews, Muhammad, muslims, no sense of humor, Paris, religious intolerance, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, the French

By Smaktakula

Arrogant, You Knew. Dirty, You Knew. But Bravely Committed To The Ideals Of Free Speech?

It sounded like a great idea: invite Islam’s premier prophet to guest edit a French humor magazine.  The editors of French Satirical magazine Charlie Hebdo had long sought to entice the Prophet Mohammed to bring his singular wit and warm sense of humor to their magazine.  Charlie Hebdo’s editors were ecstatic when Mohammed agreed to a guest editorship, but what no one could have expected was that things would quickly turn deadly.

What's Everybody Getting So Upset About? It Looks Like A Penis In A Chef's Cap. . .Oh, God--Please Don't Kill Us.

Although impossible to foresee, the Prophet’s selection proved controversial.  Charlie Hebdo’s editors expressed surprise at the outrage, claiming that Mohammed’s selection was to celebrate the victory in Tunisia by an Islamist party during the so-called ‘Arab Spring.’  Further, in a move the magazine staff was sure would delight Muslims worldwide, they decided to honor the Prophet on their cover, depicting him in cartoon saying, ‘100 lashes if you’re not dying of laughter.’

This Disturbing Image Is Insensitive To Muslims! Not That It Matters, But We Suppose It's Also Offensive To Satanic Crusaders And Filthy Jews.

Surprisingly, the Islamic community was not entirely amused.  Although known for being an easy-going and tolerant religion, some Islamists reacted to the Prophet’s guest-editor stint with uncharacteristic rage.  Charlie Hebdo received a number of threats on various social networking sites, but no one took seriously the notion that an adherent of Islam would commit violence in the name of Allah.

If You Want To Mock Christian Figures--Including Their God, Knock Yourself Out--The Worst You Need Fear Is A Stern Talking-To.

Amazingly, that’s just what happened.  Charlie Hebdo‘s Paris offices were destroyed by a petrol bomb.  Even now, weeks later, a stunned world is still trying to make sense of this.  Some so-called ‘experts’ have opined that the violence was the work of radical Muslims, who are sometimes known to be touchy about depictions of the Prophet.  Promethean Times disagrees.  Whoever the vandals are, they’re more likely to be angry Christians or Jews.  If there’s one thing we know about Muslims, it’s that they can take a joke.

"I Don't Get It."

This Day In History: October 28, 1886 CE

28 Friday Oct 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, History

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

1886, death by Germany, France, Gauloises, Germany, historical beatdowns, October 28, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, the French, this day in history, United States of America

By Smaktakula

On which the French and American people make a trade, with the French bequeathing to the United States the majestic Statue of Liberty, and the Americans in turn promising that France would never find herself abruptly forced to learn German.

Statue of Liberty

We're Trying To Figure Out If Lady Liberty Is Really French. True, She Makes A Lot Of Demands And Hasn't Bathed In 125 Years, But That's A Torch In Her Hand And Not A Gauloise.

It’s just that if we lived next to a clan of bloodthirsty dudes in Lederhosen who put the beatdown on us every couple of generations, we’d move. ∞T.

It’s Bastille Day!

14 Thursday Jul 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, History

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

1789, Bastille Day, France, French Revolution, July 14, Louis XVI, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, Storming of the Bastille, the French, the French people's love of stinky things, true meanings of holidays

By Smaktakula

Celebrating that day in 1789 when the French people rose as one to protest Louis XVI’s hated mandatory bathing protocols.

If It Smells Good, It Didn't Come From France.

“Let them eat frogs’ legs!” ∞T.

Getting To Second Base With The World’s Most Iconic Suicide

11 Monday Jul 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, History, Science

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

copping a feel, dead girl, death mask, France, L'Inconnue de la Seine, Rescue Annie, River Seine, second base, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, Smooth Criminal, suicide, the French, the French people's love of stinky things, the unknown woman of the Seine

By Smaktakula

She's Okay, We Guess. Still, We Wouldn't Build An Entire Industry Around Her.

Today, the story of L’Inconnue de la Seine, or ‘the unknown woman of the Seine,’ is virtually lost to the public at large.  Even those encyclopedic human housemice familiar with the obscure tale of the lovely, long-ago suicide know little more about the mysterious young woman than do those legions of people who make better use of their free time.  Yet the iconic face of L’Inconnue de la Seine is one of the most recognized visages throughout the world.

When It Was Fished From The Fetid Waters Of The Seine, The Waterlogged Corpse Didn't Smell Any Worse Than A Typical French Girl.

Sometime in the late 19th Century, so the story goes, the lifeless body of a young woman was found drifting in the filthy waters of the River Seine in Paris.  Workers at the morgue thought the waterlogged suicide so lovely that they commissioned the creation of a plaster death mask to capture her remarkable features for eternity.

Annie, Are You Okay? Are You Okay? Are You Okay, Annie?

Not such a dubious choice as it turns out, the anonymous suicide’s image remained popular for many years, often as a delightful household ornament.  But the mysterious deathless girl’s greatest contribution to modern culture is as the face of Rescue Annie, the CPR doll that has provided the first tentative sexual experiences for several generations of adolescent boys.

Meet Annie's Tarty Cousin, 'Release Amelia."

This Day In History: June 6, 1944 CE

06 Monday Jun 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in History

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

1944, Allies, Axis, D Day, France, Germany, June 6, Normandy Invasion, Normandy Landing, Suprise!, this day in history, United States, World War II, WWII

On which allied forces make an unexpected visit to France.

"Scheisse!"

 

Royals: Keeping It In The Family

03 Tuesday May 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, History

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Alexei Nikolaevich, Beatrice of York, blue-bloods, Britain's Royal Family, Buckingham Palace, childish sexual innuendo, congenital afflictions, European Royalty, France, Great Britain, hemophilia, HURRR!, incest, Kate Middleton, King Ralph, Louis XIV, Nicholas II, Prince Andrew, Prince William, Princess Beatrice, Royal Disease, Royal weddings, Royals, royaltard, Sarah Ferguson, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, spokescow, United Kingdom, Weight Watchers

By Smaktakula

Actually, There Are Far Worse Congenital Defects Associated With Inbreeding Than Simply Being A Moronic Sack Of Manatee Blubber.

Most people know that in days of yore European royalty was a tight-knit club.  So tight-knit, in fact, that intermarriages among the various royal families increasingly began to produce malignant progeny who were deformities, idiots and stillbirths.  History is replete with whispered tales of these chromosomally-challenged royals, persisting even into the 20th with the feeble Alexei Nikolaevich, son of Nicholas II, the last Czar of Russia.  Hemophilia was so pronounced among previous generations of elites, that it earned itself the magisterial nickname, ‘The Royal Disease.’

Progeny Of Incestuous Unions Are Often Afflicted With Rodent-Like Features.

But few realize that the royal curse persists to this day.  It is a topic the press ignores by silent consensus, and one about which the public prudently remains uninquisitive.   Perhaps this is because, even for people living outside the United Kingdom, the British Royal Family epitomizes dignity, nobility and class; the thought of the Earl of Twaddle-upon-Bumheath flinging his own poo at the Duchess of Queef is almost too much to bear.

Wait Your Turn, Lads!--At Least Four Royals Would Have To Die Before Either Of These Young Lords Can Hope To Assume The Throne.

Recently, the world was forced to acknowledge the Royal Secret when, at the recent wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton, photographers snapped several pictures of one of these blue-blood unfortunates.  Historically, Buckingham Palace has kept a tight rein on these high-born embarrassments, but the Palace has liberalized considerably in recent years.  This is thought to be the reason that at least one of these creatures was allowed to not only be seen in public, but to be photographed.

The Hereditary Deformities Of French Monarch Louis XIV Spawned A Cruel National Nickname.

The royaltard in question is Beatrice of York, daughter of former Weight Watchers spokescow and attempted royal access merchant Sarah Ferguson and her former husband, the all-around cad Prince Andrew.  Beatrice appears in several wedding photos, sporting a unique piece of headgear she designed herself.  When asked the significance of the bizarre accoutrement, Beatrice replied with a series of soft mewling sounds.

"Mummy! I'm A Teletubby!"

Beatrice: A Very Special Royal

"HUURRRRR!"

"I'm Beetruth! Hooray For Beetruth!"

Oh God, That Is SO Cute! Smaktakula Had A Hamster That Used To Do That. He Just Couldn't Get The Concept Of Glass.

Beatrice, Sweetie--Don't Lie To Mummy. Now, I'll Ask You Just Once More: Did You Smear Nectar In Your Hair Again?

"Loo Loo Loo, You Can't See Me! Loo Loo Loo!"

Ivorian Crisis In Endgame; World Finally Notices

05 Tuesday Apr 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, History, Music, Politics

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

African strongmen, Alassane Outtara, Barack Obama, France, impoverished third-world hellhole, international community, Ivorians, Ivory Coast, Laurent Gbagbo, Muammar al-Gaddafi, places that suck, tyrants, United Nations

By Smaktakula

The People Of Ivory Coast Have Thrown Of The Shackles Of Oppression And Embraced Their New Tyrant.

At last it appears that the months-long electoral crisis in Ivory Coast is about to be resolved to the world’s satisfaction.  The international community has long backed challenger Alassane Ouattara over incumbent Laurent Gbagbo, believing that it’s high time the tiny West African nation had a new overlord.

Alassane Ouattara "My Opponent Failed To Realize That The International Community Was Semi-Serious About Regime Change."

Ouattara appears up to the challenge.  During the months-long standoff, the UN-supported candidate’s forces have managed to kill more civilians than the beleaguered Gbagbo, whose powers as an African strongman appear to be fading.

"After So Many Months Of The Ivorian Stalemate, At Last An End Is In Sight, An End Which Reflects The Will Of The Free And Sovereign People Of Ivory Coast, Who Have Used This Freedom To Pick A Strongman Of Their Own Choosing, Who Will Trample Liberties In Accordance With The People's Wishes And Not Act As An Irresponsible Autocrat."

International leaders have noted Gbagbo’s weakness.  Normally-cautious US President Barack Obama felt emboldened enough by the developments to call for Gbagbo’s immediate ouster.  Time is clearly running out for yesterday’s despot, who is said to be confined to his residence, and close to announcing a cease-fire.

The World Signaled Its Commitment To Ending The Crisis By Sending French Forces To Ivory Coast.

Ouattara is said to be eagerly awaiting the changeover.   His supporters promise that the Outtara regime will usher in an era of freedom and democracy that will last as long as the new leader is in power, which is expected to be several decades.

If You Can't Unseat The Tyrant You Hate, Baby, Better Unseat The Tyrant You Can.

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Smaktakula

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