• Get To Know Promethean Times!
  • Magnificent Bastards
  • Douchebags Emeritus

Promethean Times

~ A Collection of Oddities Calculated to Amuse, Enlighten and Horrify.

Promethean Times

Daily Archives: August 1, 2012

Best of Headlines II

01 Wednesday Aug 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture, History, News

≈ 20 Comments

Tags

anti-semitism, childish sexual innuendo, cockfighting, dolphins, dyslexia, Germany, Holocaust deniers, Iran, Nadya Suleman, Octomom, rape, San Francisco, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, Strait of Hormuz, the French, the French people's love of stinky things, the Greatest Generation, the Scots, US Navy, Why am I so fat?, Why am I so sensitive?

By Smaktakula

In which we present Part II of the Lost Headlines.

We’ll Try Not To Let It Go To Waste.

Look, if you want to waste your time reading the articles, more power to you. As for us, the headlines tell us all we really need to know.

***

The Upside of Dyslexia ~ There is no dog-bamn u9sibe!

Helping your parents stay out of the nursing home ~ It’s like we told our folks, by taking the necessary steps now, they can help THEMSELVES to ensure that their final years are not marked by the joyless isolation of the state-funded nursing home. A real good start would be to peel off some of that ‘retirement nest egg’ savings to cover Smaktakula’s gambling debts. We could use a little ‘walking around’ money, too.

‘Octomom’ Nadya Suleman’s doctor wants license restored ~ He’s not the first dude to impregnate a dangerously unstable welfare mom.

Male heart-attack victims seek help faster if married ~ Living for the sole purpose of making another human being’s life miserable is still a reason to live.

Don’t Burn Your Baby in the Oven ~ Make sure you set the timer for no more than 15-25 minutes so that it stays pink inside.

The Navy Is Depending on Dolphins to Keep the Strait of Hormuz Open ~ The Navy must be hurting for fresh ideas. Dolphins are the short-bus riders of aquatic mammals–how are those chirping attention-whores supposed to clear the Strait of Hormuz when they can’t even seem to avoid tuna nets?

Why Do You Suppose We Stick Them In Round Pools With No Sharp Edges?

One-Night Stand or Rape? ~ If you can’t satisfactorily answer that question on your own, maybe you shouldn’t drink so much.

User post: Am I just not meant to have friends? ~ Sorry, Sally So-Sad–but yours is a destiny characterized by unremitting isolation and pain. It probably feels better to know, huh?

Can’t Find Jeans That Fit? We Can Help ~ So can we. Lose weight.

FIFTH OF GERMANS HOLD SOME ANTI-SEMITIC VIEWS – STUDY ~ The Germans? Wow, it’s always the guys you least suspect.

Early Adversity, Adult Misery: How Small Events Trigger Depression ~ It’s true–every whiny bitch was once a whiny little bitch.

Europe’s debt could sink US ~ This is hardly the first time Europe has rung up a bill the US would be obliged to pay.

“Just As Your Corpses Once Stunk Up Our Beautiful Beaches, So Shall We Be Forever Stinky To You.”

The Bilingual Advantage ~ The big advantage is knowing when the help is talking about you.

Iran plot may signal ominous turn by regime ~Because heretofore those hostage-taking, Holocaust-denying lunatics have been pretty good neighbors.

The Cheapest People in America ~ Ha! Yeah, that’s who we were thinking, too. But no, it’s the Scots, apparently.

Online dating? Why no one wants you ~ Don’t feel bad; attraction is a matter of personal preference, and is influenced by myriad subjective factors. Remember, it’s not you who’s repellant, but rather your personality and physical appearance.

Today: Woman gives birth on N.J. train ~ As it happens, the child was conceived just two cars down.

Great White Sharks Off the Coast of Georgia? ~ Not out of the question–sharks like jerky, too.

Some Peaches Scream When You Eat ‘Em.

What Would ‘The Good Wife’ Do? ~ She’d make us a sandwich. What? You asked.

My Son and West Point — How Did Four Years Pass In the Blink of an Eye? ~ Sir, you’ve just awoken from a years-long coma following a grisly accident. We thought someone had already told you. Sorry.

How this strange African fruit is making Americans skinny. ~ The secret is tapeworms.

Toddler was victim of revenge shootings ~ Before you judge, we should let you know–he was a very bad boy.

Why Islamists Are Better Democrats ~ Because the Republicans have a ‘No Arabs’ policy.

Libyan militia accused of torturing to death ambassador to France ~ The ambassador repeatedly cried out “Mercy,” which as you know means ‘thank you’ in French, so in a way he was asking for it.

True Story: Many Years Ago, French Soldiers Stole Most Of The Few Remaining Possessions Owned By Tardsie’s Widowed Grandmother And Her Three Young Children. But In A Way, They Had Been Asking For It, Too.

What Happens When Autistic Kids Grow Up? ~ Frankly, we just don’t know, and we can’t afford to take that chance.

Putin faces off against an unlikely foe: Nakh-Nakh the pig ~ Nakh-Nakh! Who’s there? Nakh-Nakh! Who’s there? — Damn! This is comedy gold!

Oprah Winfrey signs off after 25 years in daytime talk TV ~ In unrelated news, Americans have seen a marked uptick in tidy homes, reversing a quarter-century trend.

Autopsy of 11-Year-Old Celina Cass Has Sad Results ~ We challenge you to find a child’s autopsy with happy results.

At 22, Tennessee woman is mom to 13 Ugandan children ~ Whore.

The Clash of Generations ~ If you find yourself matched up against “The Greatest Generation,” go for the hip–it’s their weak spot.

Don’t Let The Boring Stories About His Grandchildren Fool You. He’d Kill You And Your Family In A Heartbeat If Given Half The Chance.

Sword-Swallower Impales Himself on Stage ~ Although as yet there’s been no official confirmation on the weapon that caused the grisly accident, witnesses say that it was most likely some kind of ax or spear.

Cable car rear-ended near San Francisco Union Square ~ If you’re looking to get rear-ended, that’s a pretty good place for it.

Whitey’s influence felt on Beacon Hill ~Don’t be naive, fool! Whitey’s influence goes all the way to the top!

Having to think about the unthinkable ~ Is, by definition, impossible.

Man goes a year without money ~ It takes friends far less time to learn to hate that moocher’s fucking guts.

Police Bust Cockfighting Ring at Texas Children’s Party ~ You’re talking about chickens, right? Please tell us you’re talking about chickens.

Unfortunately, We’re Pretty Sure That’s Pork.

The next headlines you see will be all new!

01 Wednesday Aug 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture

≈ 5 Comments

This is so sweet! Uh, and apparently, dicks were involved. I totally don’t remember that.

Thinksquad

Let me first start off by saying, that if any of you haven’t read the Promethean Times, you should give them a shot, they are very funny and satirical. Which he usually puts out new articles Monday through Friday, but then on the weekends we go through withdraws.Now that being said, we met the now famous writer, Smaktakula, while in our senior year of High School, if you can imagine, gas was under a buck, the Berlin Wall was being torn down, the first season of the Simpsons was airing, the World Series was delayed for 10 days due to an earthquake,  Lyle and Erik Menendez shoot their wealthy parents to death, the Tiananmen Square massacre takes place in Beijing, the Ayatollah Khomeini dies in Iran,  the Exxon Valdez oil spill, just to name a few.  There was a lot of major news stories hitting the airwaves back in the day while kids frolicked to and fro to school…

View original post 135 more words

LIKE Promethean Times on Facebook!

LIKE Promethean Times on Facebook!

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

The Best Of Times

  • Commercials We Do Not Like: A1 Steak Sauce
  • Belgians: The World's Most Evil People
  • A Funny Story About Clowns
  • Commercials We Do Not Like: Bad Andy
  • People Actually Believe That? Ramtha And The Lizard-Beasts Of Mt. Rainier
  • Historical Figures With Unfortunate Nicknames: 'Black Dick' Howe
  • Diff'rent Strokes Curse Remains With Work Undone
  • Nothing But Comebacks
  • Headlines 10.07.11
  • Wonder Twins: Deactivated

Dumb Stuff We Say On Twitter:

  • Teachable Moments prometheantimes.com/2015/10/15/tea… http://t.co/QFzhCOBHaO 5 years ago
  • The Garden-Destroying Cross-Lot Food Fight prometheantimes.com/2015/10/01/the… http://t.co/lY6IVUWzYV 5 years ago
  • My Beef With That One Guy From ‘Fast Times At Ridgemont High’ prometheantimes.com/2015/09/23/my-… http://t.co/izgO4yJppn 5 years ago
  • Shelly The Parasitic Yoko of Pervert Alley prometheantimes.com/2015/08/17/she… http://t.co/0svsAHygLs 5 years ago
  • Welcome To Pervert Alley prometheantimes.com/2015/07/31/wel… http://t.co/tvFvovXjTX 5 years ago
Follow @prometheantimes

Recent Times

  • Teachable Moments
  • The Garden-Destroying Cross-Lot Food Fight
  • My Beef With That One Guy From ‘Fast Times At Ridgemont High’
  • Shelly The Parasitic Yoko of Pervert Alley
  • Welcome To Pervert Alley
  • A Profoundly Philosophical Question
  • My Friend Joey Park, Part III
  • My Friend Joey Park, Part II
  • My Friend Joey Park, Part I
  • Headlines: In Which No Puppies Were Harmed Or Abducted
  • Profiles in Loutishness
  • Bet Your Bottom Dollar That Tomorrow
  • Mea Culpa: 55 Cent
  • Goat Mayo
  • Headlines: More News We Don’t Understand
  • The Aging Gunslinger
  • Hungarian Fone Kard
  • Fresh Socks For Homeless Walter
  • I’m An Ass, And I’m Sorry
  • Headlines: I Was A Caveman’s Love-Puppet
  • Untruth & Consequences: Debriefing
  • To All The Girls I’ve Loved Before
  • My Missing Medal
  • Promethean Times Questions Existence Of Sri Lanka
  • Headlines: Shaking And Stirred

WORD.

Adolf Hitler Afghanistan Africa anti-semitism bad parents Barack Obama Baseball bigotry Bill Clinton California Canada cannabis Celebrity Death Watch childish sexual innuendo China cocaine comical despots dope douchebaggery drugs famous for nothing fat people foolish choices fun with stereotypes gay people Germany gold digger grass headlines helpful hints hemp homosexuality hypocrisy impoverished third-world hellhole Iran Islam jackassery Japan Kim Jong-il LiLo Lindsay Lohan Los Angeles Dodgers marijuana Mexico Muammar al-Gaddafi mullets muslims North Korea outright lies places that suck pot racism reefer religious intolerance skankery skanks Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French Smaktakula's distrust of short people Smaktakula's hypocrisy can sometimes be astounding stupid people sweet sweet cheeba Tardsie's True-Ass Tales that trick never works the French this day in history treachery true meanings of holidays United Kingdom United States of America untalented stars weed Where Are They Now? Why am I so fat? Why am I so stupid? you got a real purty mouth

Promethean History

August 2012
M T W T F S S
 12345
6789101112
13141516171819
20212223242526
2728293031  
« Jul   Sep »

Search The Prometheosphere

Recent Comments

Vivek Golikeri on Alexandra Wallace: Ching-Chong…
Tim on People Actually Believe That?…
Anonymous on Commercials We Do Not Like: Me…
Dudley on Diff’rent Strokes Curse…
Anonymous on Commercials We Do Not Like: Me…
tomsimard on Sadly, Anne Heche Still L…
Smaktakula on Putting The Italian Army To Go…
David on Putting The Italian Army To Go…
Rackuzius on Brilliant, Dirty Weirdo Said T…
Smaktakula on Teachable Moments
Yoshihiko Motaro on Teachable Moments
Anonymous on Words Never To Use: N****…
Alex C on Putting The Italian Army To Go…
Usman Makhdoom on Alexandra Wallace: Ching-Chong…
Lary James on Untruth & Consequences: Do…

Tardsie D. Bagg

Smaktakula

Networked Blogs

NetworkedBlogs
Blog:
Promethean Times
Topics:
Satire, Irreverence, Snarkery
 
Follow my blog

Blog at WordPress.com.