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Monthly Archives: July 2012

Best of Headlines Part I

30 Monday Jul 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, News, Politics, Science, Sport, Stupidity

≈ 29 Comments

Tags

American Civil War, Arkansas, childish sexual innuendo, drugs, fun with stereotypes, gay people, headlines, hookers, India, Japan, Lady Gaga, Latinos, Leonardo DiCaprio, LiLo, Lindsay Lohan, Los Angeles, nudists, perverts, Republicans, Smaktakula is aware that 'penises' is the accepted plural but if it's good enough for Steinbeck it's good enough for you, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, Somalia, STDs, the French, Uranus, US Navy, Yoko Ono, you got a real purty mouth

By Smaktakula

Howdy, folks. Headlines has always been one of our favorite Promethean Times features, and recently it seems to have picked up popularity with our readers. This wasn’t always the case. It might surprise you to know we’ve done 23 of these things over the last couple years. That’s like 575 individual headlines, give or take (we didn’t count). Most of them will deservedly be lost to history–there were a lot of duds in the early posts, but we have chosen sixty or so of our favorites from the first fifteen Headlines posts that are almost certainly new to you. Enjoy them again for the first time! ∞ T.

“No, I Said It Made Me Want To ‘Matriculate.’…What?…Well, Sure–That, Too.”

In Which We Comment On The Headlines, But Leave The Reading To People Who Like To Do That Kind Of Thing

***

Can Your Pet Read Your Mind? ~ What?  Are you a child?  No!

Japan scientist synthesizes meat from human feces ~ Known popularly as ‘The Yoko Ono Story.’

Why Do Republicans Love Pizza?  ~ The same reason everybody else loves pizza.

How the Finns stole Thanksgiving ~ On skis, just like they do everything else.

Why the 2012 Hispanic Vote Doesn’t Matter … Yet ~ Whoa! Looks likes someone’s scrubbing his own floor tonight!

Yeah, I’m Pretty Sure They Heard You. Next Time, Just S-P-E-L-L It Out, Okay?

Did Lohan crash DiCaprio’s party? ~ Look, just because I let you blow me once doesn’t mean you can come to my parties.  Twice, whatever.  Get the fuck out.

Somalis Rip Aid Donors for ‘Failing’ Famine Victims ~ If it bothers you so much, then eat your own damn food.   . . .  Oh, right.  Sit tight, folks.

Scientists plan Uranus probe ~ Heh.

Things You Didn’t Know About Your Penis ~ Please. After decades of rigorous hands-on study of our penii coupled with regular field-testing, there’s very little about our one-eyed heat-seeking moisture missiles that still remains a mystery.

Wearing Only a Smile, Nudists Seek Out the Young and the Naked ~ And how is that different from what sexual predators do?

“What Kind Of Parents Do You Think We Are? When A Hairy, Naked Stranger Asks If He Can Take Teddy To The Beach For The Weekend, You Can Bet We’ll Ask A Few Questions. He Checks Out, Though, And Told Us He’d Have Teddy Back Sometime On Monday Or Tuesday.

Shark expert surprised by great white attack on woman ~ If he’s really such an expert, he should know that they do that.

Los Angeles fire captain held in heroin sting ~ The fire captain is a boy. Boys are called “heroes.”

Housewife to pen memoir ~ This Floor Is Clean makes its hardcover debut next spring!

Sukanya Roy, 14, wins Scripps National Spelling Bee with ‘cymotrichous’ ~ If only Sukanya’s special power could somehow prevent the inevitable playground beatings.

Civil War’s dirty secret about slavery ~ Was that a secret?–Because our 8th grade history teacher just couldn’t shut up about it.

You’d Think He’d Have Been Smart Enough Not To Leave A Paper Trail.

25 members of Congress with lowest net worth ~ How much respect should we have for these mouth-breathers if they can’t even steal right?

When it’s time to run for office, fewer women stand up ~ They do the same thing when it’s time to pee.

Why French Parents Are Superior ~ Does smelling like a turd in rotten-egg sauce stuffed inside the bloated belly of a week-old corpse make you a better parent? Because if it does, we totally get it.

Live: Packers pounding Vikes on the way to 9-0 ~ You know, in certain circles that could mean a bunch of gay men are taking painkillers.  Maybe it does anyway.

Really? The Claim: Excess Weight Raises the Risk of Acne ~ Because it’s that zit on your nose that’s keeping you home on Saturday nights, man-tits.

No, Bro–The Headband Totally Covers It! Rusty, My Man–I Think Tonight Is Finally Your Night!

Tradition forces girls into prostitution ~ “My momma was a ho, just like her momma before her.”

Why My Father Hated India ~ We can give you 1.2 billion perfectly good reasons.

Imperfect teeth are big in Japan ~ Yeah, but everything looks a little bigger in Japan.

Ex-Colorado Sheriff Accused of Trading Drugs for Sex Sits in Jail Named After Him ~ AWK-ward.

Gaga’s scent smells like expensive hookers ~ We prefer the delightful bouquet of burned crack infused with fear-sweat and just a hint of urine that distinguishes so many of today’s down-market hos.

We’d Offer You Our Lunch, But Regrettably,We Lost It Just Moments Ago.

Prevent STDs like a porn star ~ Die of a drug overdose before you’re diagnosed.

Gay rights fight, in Allah’s name ~ You know, just printing the words “Gay” and “Allah” in the same sentence can get you killed.

Rising NBA star sleeps on sofa ~ That’s where a lot of former NBA stars sleep as well.

Ark. cities feel unexplained surge in earthquakes ~ Perhaps God is angry about all the incest.

Navy panel allows openly gay sailor to continue to serve ~ Sounds noble, but remember–we’re talking about the Navy.  If it were to jettison all the gay sailors from its ranks, the US Navy would be left with all the fighting strength of the Cape Cod Yacht Club.

Write Your Own Caption About The US Navy. It Should Contain At Least One Childishly Suggestive Reference (e.g., “Swabbing The Poop Deck!”, “Thar He Blows!” Or “I’m Securing Your Shit Below Deck, Sir!”), And Make Gratuitous Use Of The Word ‘Seamen.’ Support Our Troops!

Recent Headlines Not Included Above

(And Which You May Very Well Have Already Seen)

        • Headlines: 04.03.12
        • Headlines: Titanic Edition
        • Headlines 04.30.12
        • Headlines 05.18.12
        • Headlines 05.24.12
        • Headlines 06.01.12
        • Headlines 06.20.12
        • Headlines 06.29.12
        • Headlines 07.13.12
        • Headlines 07.23.12

Look for Best of Headlines Part II later this week!

Sacred Cow Flop

29 Sunday Jul 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Religion

≈ 19 Comments

Tags

Christianity, freedom of speech, fun with stereotypes, Hinduism, ignorance--it's what we do, Islam, Judaism, Religion, sacred cows, sacred texts, shut your mouth!, take a fucking joke

By Smaktakula

If God Cares So Much What We Say, Why Did He Waste Time With The Bible, The Talmud and The Koran, Instead Of Just Writing A Dictionary?

We all know it can be pretty hard to offend a zealot. The world’s great religions have shown time and time again that they can take a joke, and value speech and open expression far more than they cling to fundamentalist dogma.

But just for fun, and today being Sunday, we thought it might be neat to try insulting no less than three of these unflappable faiths in a single, admittedly compound, sentence:

“I’m just like Jesus (except not, you know…so Jewy), and I think women should be allowed to vote!”

At This Point You Can Expect To Be Beheaded, Have Your Immortal Soul Consigned To Hell, Or Be Sued Like You’ve Never Been Sued Before.

And because you guys are such a great audience, we’re throwing in a bonus faith-offending sentence!

“Now let’s all get a burger!”

Mmmmm… Genealogy Never Tasted So Good!

“You Think This Is Over? This Isn’t Over! We’re Gonna Start By Suing Your Cable Company, And Then We’re Gonna Sue Your Computer Manufacturer. And Then? Oh Yeah, Buddy–Then We’re Gonna Sue You ‘Till You Can’t See Straight. Have A Nice Day.”

Pray for us, friends. ∞ T.

Abortion: Little Women

27 Friday Jul 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, News, Politics, Stupidity

≈ 39 Comments

Tags

abortion, China, hypocrisy, India, no consequences, Pro-Choice, Pro-Life, Roe v. Wade, sex-selective abortion, sexual politics, Supreme Court, unwanted children

By Smaktakula

Because It’s Your Right To Choose (Certain Exceptions May Apply).

In its 1973 landmark decision, Roe v. Wade, the US Supreme Court ruled that the Constitution guaranteed a woman’s right to an abortion. This decision gave women control of their own reproductive choices, and freed them from the potential slavery of unwanted children.

Don’t Sweat It; There’s A Quick Fix If Something Happens.

However, in 2012 there is growing concern that some parents may be abusing this fundamental right. Although a relatively insignificant problem in the West, sex-selective abortion has radically changed the demographic makeup of countries like China or India, where boys are more highly prized than are girls. To prevent the wholesale erasure of an entire generation of girls, advocates say that even in countries like the United States where sex-selection is rare, parents shouldn’t be told the gender of their child until late in the pregnancy, except in the most extreme cases.

So We Guess Abortion Should Be Kept Safe And Legal, As Long As Everybody Remembers It’s A Child And Not A Choice.

If fetal identity protection is enshrined into law, it could prove a godsend for all women, even those as-yet unborn. The elimination of the gender-selection loophole would limit abortion to those women with any one of the many acceptable reason for undergoing the procedure, such as not wanting a child, but would prevent individuals from terminating their pregnancies for reasons as odious as not wanting a girl-child.

“Abort More Boys!”

Ask Tardsie: Muzzle That Little Demon

25 Wednesday Jul 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Entertainment

≈ 49 Comments

Tags

advice, Ask Tardsie, bad advice, Dear Abby, outright lies, Tardsie The Backpack

By Tardsie

Tardsie Knows Lots About Lotsa Stuff!

Welcome at last to our first “real” installment of Ask Tardsie, where we answer your questions–no matter how bizarre or uninformed–as honestly as we feel like. We believe that Tardsie’s wisdom has the power to change the world, but we say with some rather generous exaggeration and perhaps even a trifle more glib insincerity than normal, that none of this would be possible without you, the reader/listener.

Let’s get to your questions!

Elysian Hunter inquires about the true nature of the taint.  https://smaktakula.files.wordpress.com/2012/07/elysian-taint.mp3

***

Happiness Is Not a Disease wonders if it’s evil to think about demons a lot. https://smaktakula.files.wordpress.com/2012/07/happiness-demons.mp3

Tardsie Had Something Similar Happen With His Computer One Time.

Tom Simard asks, ‘Why does the wind blow?” https://smaktakula.files.wordpress.com/2012/07/tom-wind.mp3

***

Madame Weebles wants to know if 650 or 675 volts is right for her flux capacitor. https://smaktakula.files.wordpress.com/2012/07/weebles-flux.mp3

***

Jennifer Worrell asks about a potential career change. https://smaktakula.files.wordpress.com/2012/07/jenn-cultist.mp3

Being Like Unto A God Can Be Quite Lucrative.

White Lady in the Hood wants to know if the pizza man will ever show his face all up in her hizzie? https://smaktakula.files.wordpress.com/2012/07/lady-pizza.mp3

***

Bill inquires about the propriety of kid-muzzlin’.¹ https://smaktakula.files.wordpress.com/2012/07/bill-muzzle.mp3

With Love And Proper Discipline, Your Boy Might Someday Be A Doctor.

Le Clown wants to know if Tardsie will help him score some bath salts. https://smaktakula.files.wordpress.com/2012/07/eric-salts.mp3

***

Brigitte asks about the format of Ask Tardsie, never realizing that what she really wants to know are some of Tardsie’s thoughts on nomenclature. https://smaktakula.files.wordpress.com/2012/07/brigitte-question.mp3

***

We very much hope you enjoyed this, particularly as we’ll be doing it again regardless. So let’s have more questions. Write your inquiries in the comment space below, or email them to Tardsie@gmail.com. You’ll be SO glad you did!

¹Bill’s blog, The On Deck Circle, is a wonderful blog for baseball fans, particularly for those of us with only a casual knowledge of the game’s history and an interest in learning more. However, his lovely reminiscence, When Second Base Was a Handbag, is worth just about anybody’s time. Check it out. ∞ T.

Headlines: 07.23.12

23 Monday Jul 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture

≈ 23 Comments

Tags

Arkansas, California, cannabis, cat ladies, death by automobile, Detroit, dope, drunken Irishmen, drunken Native Americans, fat people, fun with stereotypes, Hamas, headlines, hemp, Holocaust, ignorance--it's what we do, Islam, Israel, lame sports, legalize it, marijuana, medical marijuana, Michigan, Miss Holocaust, News of the Duh, Nobel Peace Prize, Penn State, phony diseases, skanks, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, Smaktakula's hatred of clowns, sweet sweet cheeba, the navy's pretty gay already, the reefer, US Navy, weed, Why am I so fat?

By Smaktakula

Who Reads This, Really? That’s An Awful Lot Of Words.

In which we’re presumptuous enough to opine on the day’s headlines, but too damn lazy to read the articles.

***

8 Things You Didn’t Know About Restless Legs Syndrome ~ One of them is that it’s not a real disease.

‘Cat ladies’ more likely to commit suicide, scientists claim ~ This and much, much more in next month’s issue of Stop the Presses! America’s Most Trusted Source for News of the Painfully Obvious.

Why Women Love One-Night Stands ~ They enjoy having drunken intercourse with a person they’ll never have to see again, much as men do.

Police identify bodies found in Detroit River ~ But that’s all the time we have tonight. If you didn’t hear the name of your loved one’s water-swollen corpse announced on tonight’s show, tune in next week for another exciting episode of “Fishin’ the Motor City.”

Fear of clowns is serious ~ Sadly, your commitment to real journalism doesn’t appear to be.

And A Mime Is Nothing But A French Clown, So Double-Bad.

Navy’s new gender-neutral carriers won’t have urinals ~ If you enjoyed the furor surrounding “Gays in the Military,” you’ll love “Who Left the Fucking Seat up in the Head?”

Twitter reaction: Does Penn State deserve the death penalty? ~ Not sure. But let us ask you this: does an issue as serious as the death penalty deserve your clumsy metaphor?

Hamas Suspends Voter Registration… ~ It was a purely a question of human resources. One more man out registering voters means one less busload of dead Israeli kids.

Father, son lose 260 pounds after weight loss surgery ~ This extraordinary achievement didn’t happen overnight, folks–it took a single-minded focus, dedication to the cause and years upon years of effort before that surgeon became certified to suck the rivers of lard from those two human baleen.

Miss Holocaust Survivor’ crowned in Israel ~ We heard it was a gas.  (Oh, like this wasn’t already in abominably poor taste even BEFORE we arrived on the scene?)

No Matter What Atrocities We Commit Against One Another, We Can Never Quench The Essential Dignity Of The Human Spirit.

Arkansas marijuana proposal needs more signatures ~ Given that it’s Arkansas, all one needs to do to sign the petition is to be able to scratch out a crude X.

Proposal for ‘English only’ city council meetings sparks debate in Walnut, Calif. ~ If by debate, you mean a top-volume screaming match in a rainbow of exotic tongues.

Have a sexy walk? You’re probably having a LOT of orgasms ~ Smaktakula often experiences spontaneous orgasms while walking, and while it never fails to arouse comments from witnesses, it has never been described as “sexy.” Certainly not by the authorities.

Irishman survives after great white shark attack in Australia ~ That shark had just celebrated ten years of sobriety. He wasn’t about to go throw all that away for one Irishman.

My husband had sex with me while I was in a drunken state. Should I divorce him? ~ We’ll answer this one seriously, because our typical smartassery cannot hope to do justice to such a profoundly serious marital issue. ABSOLUTELY you should divorce him. Do it right now! It’s not fair that your husband should be chained for the remainder of his days to such a fucked-up, games playing, frigid bitch. And might we suggest choosing as your next mate a fellow who’s just been released from the penitentiary? Having been so long denied the company of a woman, he’ll no doubt treat you like the precious little flower that you are.

‎In some Olympic sports, the US just doesn’t make the grade ~Then you can’t really consider them sports.

Just Because Estonians Are Crazy About It, Doesn’t Mean It’s Worth Doing.

The Upside of Letting Your Child Fail ~ Always having that failure to lord over him.

If Pot Were Truly Legal, Joints Would Cost Only a Few Cents ~ Folks, very often when writing these things, a headline will inspire two or more different gags, and we go with the one we like best. The provocative title above inspires literally so many different responses (almost entirely rancorous and replete with four-letter words) that the inside of Smaktakula’s skull sounds like the trading floor of the New Delhi Stock Exchange five minutes before the closing bell.

10 Ways the World Could End ~ One of them is ‘It Was All Just A Dream!’ That is such a fucking cop-out.

Is It Time to Stop Fearing Islamism? ~ Wait a sec while we check to see what’s going on in the world…hold on, checking…ah, there we go…Nope–still pretty scary.

Native American Communities Affected by Climate Change Plan for the Future ~ They’re stocking up on Old Granddad & Wild Turkey as we speak.

He’s Got Us There. We’re Joking About An Epidemic That Is Destroying A Culture Even The Most Powerful Nation On Earth Couldn’t Crush.

Nobel Peace Prize winners say US must lead global peace efforts, wars should … ~ Continuing the bold behavior which earned most of them the Peace Prize in the first place, talking about what other people should do to lead peace efforts.

10 Signs That Death is Near ~ #4: Massive, unstoppable bleeding.

Medical Marijuana: A Patient Perspective ~ It’s great. Really, we can’t speak highly enough about it. Heartily endorsed.

Boston U graduate student dies in fall in Turkey ~ That’s so romantic. Turkey is lovely in the fall.

A dog’s last moments photographed ~ “Oh my gosh–the look on Shep’s little doggie face when he finally realizes the truck isn’t going to stop in time–is that NOT just the cutest thing you’ve ever seen in your life?”

“BAAAAAAAAAAAAARK!”

Could You Be An Asshole? National Tragedy

20 Friday Jul 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in News, Stupidity

≈ 20 Comments

Tags

Could you be an asshole?, douchebaggery, gun control, Politics, you suck so fucking bad I can't see straight

This was originally posted back in 2011 after the shooting of Rep. Gabby Giffords of Arizona. Today seems appropriate to reprint it, as perhaps we need a reminder.

By Smaktakula

Nothing brings out assholes like a tragedy, and Saturday’s horrific mass shooting in Tuscon is no exception. As in this instance, assholes often reveal themselves through their initial thoughts.

ASSHOLE:

“You Know, If Giffords Had Been Packing A Gun Of Her Own, We Wouldn’t Be Having This Conversation Right Now.”

ASSHOLE:

“Well, If This Gets America To Get Rid Of Its Guns, I Guess It’s Worth It.”

NOT AN ASSHOLE:

“My God. No Words Exist To Express My Deep Shock And Sorrow. My Heart Goes Out To The Families Of The Six People Who Were Murdered, And To The Dozen Or So More Who Are Hospitalized. I’m So, So Sorry.”

We’ve Been Charged With Soliciting!

19 Thursday Jul 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Entertainment

≈ 42 Comments

Tags

advice columns, Ask Tardsie, Astrology, Dear Abby, Dr. Ruth, Fox news, Love Is, MSNBC

By Smaktakula

Yeah, It’s For Sure Our Worst Title Ever, But Focus Instead On The Exciting New Feature.

Specifically, with soliciting questions from our readership!

Daily, a devoted legion of readers around the world turns to Promethean Times for the answers that matter most in their lives.¹ We do not take this responsibility lightly, and as our readers live increasingly complex and demanding lives, we strive to meet their needs.

If This Disturbing Homunculus Could Opine On The Life Erotic, We Figure We Can Talk About Anything.

And what people really need is another advice column. Specifically an audio advice column.

Promethean Times‘ very own advice column, Ask Tardsie, will be debuting in these pages very soon. We invite you to any and all questions to Tardsie about any subject whatsoever. Seriously–dating advice, astrology, cooking tips–you know, whatever. We’ll try to answer all questions, and as honestly as we feel like. If you don’t send ’em, we’ll have to make ’em, up–and we can guarantee they’ll be weak-ass questions like “Why are you so damn cool?” You can submit your questions in the space for comment below or email Tardsie directly at tardsie@gmail.com

There Is Perhaps No Better Barometer Of A Feature’s Worth Than To Know It Is Taking Space That Would Be Better Served By Those Creepy Naked “Love IS” Kids.

In the meantime, we hope you’ll enjoy this first installment of Ask Tardsie. NSFW, but for the typical PT reasons of potty-mouthery, and not any crazy holy rollin’ (and the mix is a bit louder than we’d like, but it won’t sound like the Blue Angels coming through your speakers; we could have remastered it, but thought you would enjoy a little audience participation. We’re helpful like that).

https://smaktakula.files.wordpress.com/2012/07/ask-tardsie-07-18-12.mp3

The Difference Between An Advice Columnist And A Dog-Catcher? Not Just Anybody Can Be A Dog-Catcher.

¹And we can say with a straight face that we’re at least as objective as either Fox News or MSNBC.

Tardsie’s True-Ass Tales: My Racist Cat And The White Guilt She Inspired

18 Wednesday Jul 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Stupidity

≈ 28 Comments

Tags

Florida, guilty white folks, imaginary racism, miss you Spookitty, New Jersey, Political Correctness, racism, Spook, Tardsie's True-Ass Tales, Why am I so sensitive?

By Tardsie

You Disgust Us, Ghost.

When I was a boy, my family adopted a black cat during the Halloween Season.¹ I named her Spook. Although  a word meaning ghost or spirit, spook, if you don’t know (and my wife didn’t until I told her this story, bless her heart), is sometimes used as a racist term for black people. There weren’t a lot of black people in my town growing up (and when I say ‘weren’t a lot,’ I mean they were a single family), and I was completely ignorant of the word’s racist connotations.

That is, until my mom moved us to Lakewood, Washington when I was in the 7th grade. Lakewood, at that time an unincorporated are of Tacoma, Washington, is a far more diverse city than anywhere on the Central Coast. We lived in an apartment complex with mostly white neighbors, but also several black families. One such family, a military couple, had a kid my age, and we played together.

But sure enough, when the neighbor family heard the name of my cat, they asked, “Wow. Don’t you think that’s kind of…racist?”

Well, *A Certain Type Of Person* Sure Thought So!

And when I say ‘neighbor family,’ I mean the WHITE neighbor family. My cat’s name made them feel all funny inside.

The black family whose kid I played with? They never said two words about it, and even took care of the cat once when my mom took me back to California to visit my grandma.

The thought I’d like to leave you with is this: Do you think my friend’s parents were able to look past my cat’s name and see intentions behind the bullshit of labels, or do you imagine that they–originally from Florida and New Jersey and born sometime in the Fifties–had just maybe never heard that word before?

Bad Kitty!

¹Thanks the persistent–and most likely apocryphal–notion that black cats are sacrificed by cultists during Halloween, to this day animal shelters often make a special effort to ensure that black cats are adopted into good homes to prevent this. ∞ T.

Why ‘Your’ Politician Is A Turd

17 Tuesday Jul 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture

≈ 44 Comments

Tags

Barack Obama, Democrats, don't vote stupid, dope, grass, hypocrisy, marijuana, Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, politicians, pot, Republicans, sweet sweet cheeba, the reefer, thinkin' 'bout stuff makes my head hurt somethin' turrible, United States of America, weed, Why am I so stupid?

By Smaktakula

If Venality, Stupidity And Incompetence Could Somehow Be Harnessed As Energy, Well, It Might Be Worth Having These Assholes Around.

Although Promethean Times tends to regard all office-seekers as suppurating anal abscesses until they can demonstrably prove otherwise, we are constantly amazed that so few people feel the same. Now, nearly EVERYBODY claims they hold politicians in contempt–complaining about the government is fun and easy after all. But if you begin to name specific politicians, these same people will almost always hold in exception those one or two politicians whom they believe are, unlike all the others, really trying to serve America’s needs. “Oh…well, not Senator Schmidlapp. He really tries to do good things for people.” No, he tries to steer federal funding to his state so that (if he’s ‘clean’) he can secure reelection, or (in the likely event he’s dirty) make some of his cronies rich.

If there’s any better indication that your pet pol is a douchebag, it’s that he (and we don’t mean to exclude lady politicians–those plucky gals have achieved a level of suckdom every bit as pronounced as that of their male counterparts) lies to you constantly. In fact, that’s why you vote for him.

Believes That The Obama Administration Is Trying To Put One Over On The American People. Won’t Show You His Taxes.

Take Obamacare, for example, having inflamed the public once again in light of the Supreme Court’s decision upholding the plan. Two very distinct narratives have emerged from Washington. To know which of these very different scenarios your politician blindly adheres, you need only to look at the letter after his name.

If there’s an R after his name, then it’s a sure-fire guarantee he favors the tableau of a morally bankrupt America which has been decimated by socialized medicine, more akin to the grey homogeneity of the Soviet Bloc than to the America remembered by the true patriots.  Obamacare is the end of life as we know it.

Drug Dealer In High School. Doesn’t Want Sick People To Have Access To Marijuana.

Not so, say the Democrats. If your boy has a D after his name, he believes that Obamacare is the only salvation for a bloated, moribund nation fattening itself on its own entrails. Not only will this miracle panacea halt America’s precipitous decline, but it will rapidly replenish the nation’s coffers, cut down skyrocketing medical costs, and transform America into the Care-Bear land of cuddly goodness it was always meant to be.

So are the Republicans right? The Democrats? Maybe something in between?

“I May Be A Brainless Talking Points Machine, But I’m Smarter Than The Guy Standing Next To Me.”

Here’s what we know, folks: We don’t know. There may be plenty of good reasons to support or oppose this legislation, and it is not unrealistic to believe economic models can predict Obamacare’s effects with some degree of accuracy. But that’s it–it’s a guess, either way. An educated guess? Sure–but a guess nonetheless.

Now, that’s not true–Smaktakula–I’ve seen statistics that show… ~ Yeah, but did you understand them? No you didn’t. You’re trusting an economist who did the number crunching for you. Hey, he might be right–but you don’t know for sure.

Socialized medicine has been tried in other countries and… ~ And this is different. It’s a different plan in a different country. It could work just fine here, or it could be a bust. It’s okay to have an opinion, but remember–you don’t know.

Because of Obamacare, children born today can expect… ~ Okay, now you REALLY don’t know.

He Never Wasted Any Time With Self-Doubt Either.

So you don’t know for sure. Why then, do you believe your politician does? Do you suppose he’s smarter than you are? Have you heard these people talk at any length without a teleprompter? They’re ALL Joe Biden.

So while he may have formed an educated opinion (or just as likely not) as to whether Obamacare will deliver the nation to a magical pixie-land of unending happiness or consign us to the dustbin of history, he really can’t be any more certain of it than you.

Why then, do our politicians on both sides of the aisle and their pet journalists discuss this significant issue with a certainty that would make the most brainwashed cultist look like a half-asser? It’s because they’re turds–turds who have no respect for your intelligence. So please, have a little for yourself and don’t vote stupid.

We Just Know You’re Gonna Vote Stupid.

When Your Day Is Gray And Full Of Suck

16 Monday Jul 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Entertainment, Religion

≈ 43 Comments

Tags

audio posts, audiobooks ruin lives, Reverend Hubris B. Buchanan, skanks

By Smaktakula

Lucky You! You Get To Hear What We Sound Like In Real Life. Sorta.

Oh boy–are you guys in for a treat! We’ve enlisted the services of the Rev. Hubris B. Buchanan, author of such books as San Francisco: The New Gomorrah and The Fiery Pits of Hell: Why You’ll End Up There, to make a very special announcement about upcoming PT features.

The following audio file is NSFW. Not for any naughty language (yeah, we were kinda caught off-guard by that as well), but for the very real possibility that anyone who catches you listening to it will most likely think you’re insane.

https://smaktakula.files.wordpress.com/2012/07/hubris-announcement.mp3

Although Reverend Buchanan Has Also Nailed A Skanky Prostitute Or Two In His Time, He Has Yet To Make An Abject Apology.

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The Best Of Times

  • Belgians: The World's Most Evil People
  • People Actually Believe That? Ramtha And The Lizard-Beasts Of Mt. Rainier
  • The Pros And Cons Of Your Girlfriend's Gay Friend
  • Snowboarder's Empire Could Go Up In Smoke
  • Incest: On The Other Hand...
  • This Day In Alternate History: Yoko Ono Slain
  • The Silent Reckoning
  • Alexandra Wallace: Ching-Chong Champion Of Tolerance

Dumb Stuff We Say On Twitter:

  • Teachable Moments prometheantimes.com/2015/10/15/tea… http://t.co/QFzhCOBHaO 7 years ago
  • The Garden-Destroying Cross-Lot Food Fight prometheantimes.com/2015/10/01/the… http://t.co/lY6IVUWzYV 7 years ago
  • My Beef With That One Guy From ‘Fast Times At Ridgemont High’ prometheantimes.com/2015/09/23/my-… http://t.co/izgO4yJppn 7 years ago
  • Shelly The Parasitic Yoko of Pervert Alley prometheantimes.com/2015/08/17/she… http://t.co/0svsAHygLs 7 years ago
  • Welcome To Pervert Alley prometheantimes.com/2015/07/31/wel… http://t.co/tvFvovXjTX 7 years ago
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Recent Times

  • Teachable Moments
  • The Garden-Destroying Cross-Lot Food Fight
  • My Beef With That One Guy From ‘Fast Times At Ridgemont High’
  • Shelly The Parasitic Yoko of Pervert Alley
  • Welcome To Pervert Alley
  • A Profoundly Philosophical Question
  • My Friend Joey Park, Part III
  • My Friend Joey Park, Part II
  • My Friend Joey Park, Part I
  • Headlines: In Which No Puppies Were Harmed Or Abducted
  • Profiles in Loutishness
  • Bet Your Bottom Dollar That Tomorrow
  • Mea Culpa: 55 Cent
  • Goat Mayo
  • Headlines: More News We Don’t Understand
  • The Aging Gunslinger
  • Hungarian Fone Kard
  • Fresh Socks For Homeless Walter
  • I’m An Ass, And I’m Sorry
  • Headlines: I Was A Caveman’s Love-Puppet
  • Untruth & Consequences: Debriefing
  • To All The Girls I’ve Loved Before
  • My Missing Medal
  • Promethean Times Questions Existence Of Sri Lanka
  • Headlines: Shaking And Stirred

WORD.

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