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~ A Collection of Oddities Calculated to Amuse, Enlighten and Horrify.

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Tag Archives: cockfighting

Best of Headlines II

01 Wednesday Aug 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture, History, News

≈ 20 Comments

Tags

anti-semitism, childish sexual innuendo, cockfighting, dolphins, dyslexia, Germany, Holocaust deniers, Iran, Nadya Suleman, Octomom, rape, San Francisco, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, Strait of Hormuz, the French, the French people's love of stinky things, the Greatest Generation, the Scots, US Navy, Why am I so fat?, Why am I so sensitive?

By Smaktakula

In which we present Part II of the Lost Headlines.

We’ll Try Not To Let It Go To Waste.

Look, if you want to waste your time reading the articles, more power to you. As for us, the headlines tell us all we really need to know.

***

The Upside of Dyslexia ~ There is no dog-bamn u9sibe!

Helping your parents stay out of the nursing home ~ It’s like we told our folks, by taking the necessary steps now, they can help THEMSELVES to ensure that their final years are not marked by the joyless isolation of the state-funded nursing home. A real good start would be to peel off some of that ‘retirement nest egg’ savings to cover Smaktakula’s gambling debts. We could use a little ‘walking around’ money, too.

‘Octomom’ Nadya Suleman’s doctor wants license restored ~ He’s not the first dude to impregnate a dangerously unstable welfare mom.

Male heart-attack victims seek help faster if married ~ Living for the sole purpose of making another human being’s life miserable is still a reason to live.

Don’t Burn Your Baby in the Oven ~ Make sure you set the timer for no more than 15-25 minutes so that it stays pink inside.

The Navy Is Depending on Dolphins to Keep the Strait of Hormuz Open ~ The Navy must be hurting for fresh ideas. Dolphins are the short-bus riders of aquatic mammals–how are those chirping attention-whores supposed to clear the Strait of Hormuz when they can’t even seem to avoid tuna nets?

Why Do You Suppose We Stick Them In Round Pools With No Sharp Edges?

One-Night Stand or Rape? ~ If you can’t satisfactorily answer that question on your own, maybe you shouldn’t drink so much.

User post: Am I just not meant to have friends? ~ Sorry, Sally So-Sad–but yours is a destiny characterized by unremitting isolation and pain. It probably feels better to know, huh?

Can’t Find Jeans That Fit? We Can Help ~ So can we. Lose weight.

FIFTH OF GERMANS HOLD SOME ANTI-SEMITIC VIEWS – STUDY ~ The Germans? Wow, it’s always the guys you least suspect.

Early Adversity, Adult Misery: How Small Events Trigger Depression ~ It’s true–every whiny bitch was once a whiny little bitch.

Europe’s debt could sink US ~ This is hardly the first time Europe has rung up a bill the US would be obliged to pay.

“Just As Your Corpses Once Stunk Up Our Beautiful Beaches, So Shall We Be Forever Stinky To You.”

The Bilingual Advantage ~ The big advantage is knowing when the help is talking about you.

Iran plot may signal ominous turn by regime ~Because heretofore those hostage-taking, Holocaust-denying lunatics have been pretty good neighbors.

The Cheapest People in America ~ Ha! Yeah, that’s who we were thinking, too. But no, it’s the Scots, apparently.

Online dating? Why no one wants you ~ Don’t feel bad; attraction is a matter of personal preference, and is influenced by myriad subjective factors. Remember, it’s not you who’s repellant, but rather your personality and physical appearance.

Today: Woman gives birth on N.J. train ~ As it happens, the child was conceived just two cars down.

Great White Sharks Off the Coast of Georgia? ~ Not out of the question–sharks like jerky, too.

Some Peaches Scream When You Eat ‘Em.

What Would ‘The Good Wife’ Do? ~ She’d make us a sandwich. What? You asked.

My Son and West Point — How Did Four Years Pass In the Blink of an Eye? ~ Sir, you’ve just awoken from a years-long coma following a grisly accident. We thought someone had already told you. Sorry.

How this strange African fruit is making Americans skinny. ~ The secret is tapeworms.

Toddler was victim of revenge shootings ~ Before you judge, we should let you know–he was a very bad boy.

Why Islamists Are Better Democrats ~ Because the Republicans have a ‘No Arabs’ policy.

Libyan militia accused of torturing to death ambassador to France ~ The ambassador repeatedly cried out “Mercy,” which as you know means ‘thank you’ in French, so in a way he was asking for it.

True Story: Many Years Ago, French Soldiers Stole Most Of The Few Remaining Possessions Owned By Tardsie’s Widowed Grandmother And Her Three Young Children. But In A Way, They Had Been Asking For It, Too.

What Happens When Autistic Kids Grow Up? ~ Frankly, we just don’t know, and we can’t afford to take that chance.

Putin faces off against an unlikely foe: Nakh-Nakh the pig ~ Nakh-Nakh! Who’s there? Nakh-Nakh! Who’s there? — Damn! This is comedy gold!

Oprah Winfrey signs off after 25 years in daytime talk TV ~ In unrelated news, Americans have seen a marked uptick in tidy homes, reversing a quarter-century trend.

Autopsy of 11-Year-Old Celina Cass Has Sad Results ~ We challenge you to find a child’s autopsy with happy results.

At 22, Tennessee woman is mom to 13 Ugandan children ~ Whore.

The Clash of Generations ~ If you find yourself matched up against “The Greatest Generation,” go for the hip–it’s their weak spot.

Don’t Let The Boring Stories About His Grandchildren Fool You. He’d Kill You And Your Family In A Heartbeat If Given Half The Chance.

Sword-Swallower Impales Himself on Stage ~ Although as yet there’s been no official confirmation on the weapon that caused the grisly accident, witnesses say that it was most likely some kind of ax or spear.

Cable car rear-ended near San Francisco Union Square ~ If you’re looking to get rear-ended, that’s a pretty good place for it.

Whitey’s influence felt on Beacon Hill ~Don’t be naive, fool! Whitey’s influence goes all the way to the top!

Having to think about the unthinkable ~ Is, by definition, impossible.

Man goes a year without money ~ It takes friends far less time to learn to hate that moocher’s fucking guts.

Police Bust Cockfighting Ring at Texas Children’s Party ~ You’re talking about chickens, right? Please tell us you’re talking about chickens.

Unfortunately, We’re Pretty Sure That’s Pork.

The next headlines you see will be all new!

Headlines 05.11.11

11 Wednesday May 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Cinema, Culture, Music, News, Religion, Sport

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

American Indians, Baseball, bingo, blackjack, cockfighting, Dodger Stadium, dodo, drugs, Geronimo, hackers, Harry Reid, headlines, Iran, Jim Carrey, Los Angeles Dodgers, Native Americans, Navy SEALs, nudists, nutmeg, Osama bin Laden, passenger pigeon, pervertry, Robitussin DM, Shania Twain, Texas, untalented stars, whippets, whiskey

By Smaktakula

In which we opine on various news headlines without reading the articles.

***

The Costars: Jim Carrey paired with penguins ~ With each film Carrey reaches further down the evolutionary ladder in his thus-far-futile search for a less-talented co-star.

Hackers group says it will attack Iran Sunday ~ The best attacks are unannounced.

Armless Dude Throws Out Ceremonial First Pitch At Dodger Stadium ~ Figuratively, one assumes.

He May Look Dangerous, But Actually He’s Quite Armless.*

Police Bust Cockfighting Ring at Texas Children’s Party ~ We hope they’re talking about chickens.

Were Navy SEALs justified in shooting an unarmed Osama bin Laden? ~ Funny–the dodo and the passenger pigeon were just debating that very thing!

American Indians object to ‘Geronimo’ as code for bin Laden raid ~ Geronimo is a hero to Native Americans and an inherent part of their culture.  The tribes also objected to the code names ‘Bingo,’ ‘Blackjack’ and ‘Whiskey.’

Come On Now–Jack Daniels Does.

South Korean man found crucified in abandoned stone quarry; police investigating ~ Hopefully the authorities kept an eye on him for a few days–a couple millennia ago, one of these things got a little out of hand.

The University Has No Clothes ~ Sounds like the college we remember.

Harry Reid Injured by Parked Car ~ He has great health care, so why not?

Fake Bin Laden Photos Fool Some Lawmakers ~ America’s legislators, like her public, are remarkably easy to fool.

Turns Out This Is A Fake.

Wearing Only a Smile, Nudists Seek Out the Young and the Naked ~ And how is that different from what sexual predators do?

Man killed in tractor collision has been identified ~ To get yourself killed in a collision involving vehicles which travel slowly in straight lines and rarely meet, you’ve really got to be trying.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

SHANIA TWAIN NEARLY LOST VOICE OVER DIVORCE ~ Currently she and her ex share joint custody.

Teen high on bath salts allegedly kills neighbor’s goat ~ Bath salts?  Who gets high from bath salts?  Get yourself some nutmeg or Robitussin-DM at your local Albertsons.  While you’re there, grab a couple whippets.

“I Can Hear My Hair Growing!  Can You Hear It? It Goes ‘Skriiiiitch! Skriiiiiiitch! Skriiiiiitch!’ Oh God, I Am So Fucking High Right Now.”

For more fun with Headlines, you’ll want to check out:

  • Promethean Times Responds To The Headlines
  • Headlines II
  • Headlines III
*Apologies. ∞T.

Dog Fighting: A Solution At Last

11 Tuesday Jan 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture, Sport

≈ 9 Comments

Tags

American Staffordshire terrier, blood sports, canine pugilists, canines, cockfighting, death by cock, death by dog, DIABEETUS, District of Columbia, dog fighting, dogs, dogs in ridiculous outfits, Dora the Explorer porn, douchebaggery, drugs, Leather Daddy, Michael Vick, pit bulls, Promethean Times' staunch support for cockfighting, prostitution, shame campaign, Spuds McKenzie, vulgar non-sports, we're here to help, Wilford Brimley

By Smaktakula

Dog Fighting Is No Longer The Genteel Sport It Was In Your Father's Day.

Although it has only been in recent years that blood sports like dog fighting have piqued the national consciousness–thanks to in part to high-profile offenders such as the very talented but equally douchey Michael Vick–the practice is ancient, dating back into the depths of history.  Fight organizers pit two dogs (often American Staffordshire terriers, more commonly known as pit bulls) against one another in a gore-filled ballet which can leave the animals with horrific injuries if they manage to survive at all.

Absolutely And Without Question, Yes.

Promethean Times deplores this ghastly exercise in masochism not least because it sullies the good name of other, only tangentially-related activities. One such endeavor is the noble and time-honored practice of cock-fighting, which counts among its supporters no less important a figure than Wilford Brimley, as well as influential publications like Promethean Times.  Thanks in part to the attention drawn by canine bouts, cockfights have been made illegal throughout the United States, despite being similar to dog fighting only in that both activities involve animals destroying one another for the amusement of shouting, sweaty men with sixth-grade educations.

But People EAT Chickens, So This Is Completely Different.

However, as with other illicit activities like drugs, prostitution and Dora the Explorer porn, dog fighting won’t go away simply because it’s illegal.  Nor will well-intentioned “shame” campaigns succeed in doing any more than pushing this blood sport further underground.  A new–and more critically, viable–approach must be considered.

Compromise can often leave all parties feeling unsatisfied and poorly used; nevertheless compromise is the sole means by which a workable solution to the dog fighting problem will be reached.  Promethean Times has contrived a solution with broad appeal, disagreeable only to those ideological cosmonauts who cling to either extreme of the issue.

Bringing An Inebriated Killing Machine To Your Party Might Not Be As Bitchin' An Idea As It At First Appears.

For our plan to see real success, some changes must immediately be implemented within the sport.  Dog fights which include brutish game breeds such as pit bulls must remain illegal, with an increased emphasis on prosecution for individuals who participate not only in the dog fights themselves, but also in the breeding and sale of these creatures.  This measure should go a long way toward mollifying activists who wish to see an end to pit bull fighting.

However, people who enjoy the tangy aroma of blood, fur and terror should not be disappointed; under the Promethean Times plan, dog fights will continue. Accordingly, the sport should be decriminalized in all fifty states and the District of Columbia, but limited to animals weighing twelve pounds or less.  As an added crowd-pleaser, the combatants would be made to wear ridiculous costumes such as evening gowns, clown outfits and Leather Daddy gear.

Mitzi Lives Only For The Taste Of The Enemy's Life-Blood.

We think that’s an idea everyone can get behind.

Stuff You Probably Didn’t Know About Wilford Brimley

08 Wednesday Sep 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Cinema, Critters, Culture, General Foolishness, Health, Hollywood, People

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

cockfighting, DIABEETUS, Diabetes, Diabetes Cat, Howard Hughes, It's the right thing to do, John Wayne, True Grit, Wilford Brimley

By Smaktakula

"Chicken Slaughtering Chicken. It's The Right Thing To Do."

  1. Got his acting start with an uncredited role in John Wayne’s True Grit.
  2. Once worked as a bodyguard for playboy-turned-recluse Howard Hughes.
  3. Is an unabashed supporter of cockfighting.

The Resemblance Really Is Uncanny. Poor Beast.

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