Tags
Adam Lambert, Balto, Barack Obama, bongwater, breastuses, cannabis, Christopher Dorner, Clark Kent, David Arquette, dope, empty promises, headlines, hemp, lies men tell, marijuana, reefer, STDs, sweet sweet cheeba, synthetic marijuana, weed, Wicca
By Smaktakula
Ha! Tell Me About It. There’s A “Steve” Story About This Very Thing!
Because we learn everything we need to know about the world from the headlines of the day!
***
Police remove woman who yelled ‘Boring!’ during symphony ~ She’s only saying what everybody’s thinking.
The kilogram has gained weight ~ It sounds like maybe that European diet isn’t so healthy after all.
Hi there. What’s your sign? Have any STDs? ~ Smaktakula. Virgo. Genital wa…frankly, I don’t think that’s any of your business.
Teen narrowly escapes death after smoking synthetic marijuana ~ Coming within inches of claiming its first confirmed kill is quite an achievement considering that synthetic marijuana has only been around for about ten years or so. Real marijuana’s been around since the beginning of time and has never even come close to that level of lethality.
Girl who performed for Obama shot dead in Chicago ~ Look, it may seem a little harsh, but there’s the expectation that you’ll bring your A-game when you perform for the President.
Desperate dog makes 2-mile trek to find owner ~ I’m sorry, did you just say ‘two miles?’ TWO FUCKING MILES? Does the name Balto mean anything to you? Dammit, somebody fetch me a rolled-up newspaper!
“Is This What Has Become Of My Once-Proud People?”
Bodies of missing Mexican band members found in well. ~ So it sounds like all’s well that ends…sorry. Let’s try to put this one behind us, okay?
Court: Calif. may have to hire Wiccan chaplains ~ The First Amendment: No longer just for ‘real’ faiths.
What is “Mrs.” short for? … ~ The Mister’s!
Should You Start Your Own Chicken Coop? ~ If you give even a moment of your time to serious consideration of this question, then you’re a fucking nitwit.
Teen girl’s killing ignites widespread outrage: ‘Why did it have to be her’ ` Everybody was hoping it would be that little bitch Emily Dawkins from over on 11th Ave.
David Arquette Gives Adam Lambert B-Day Lap Dance ~ THIS JUST IN: Adam Lambert announces he is now straight.
Oh, It’s Assault For Sure, Not Least To The Senses.
A Cat’s 200-Mile Trek Home Leaves Scientists Guessing ~ That dog is looking less impressive by the second.
Why Do We Pay Waiters Better Than God? ~ Because God works for free, and even a dude from Honduras won’t do that.
Depressed teens mostly struggle alone ~ Well, sure–who wants to waste his or her life palling around with a Weepy Willy or Suzie So-Sad?
Dead pigs in Shanghai water supply don’t ring alarm bells for Chinese officials ~ “What? You no like sweet & sour pork?”
First Person: It’s Hard to Send a Pet to Heaven ~ It gets a lot easier once you’ve stepped out of bed and into a steaming coil of dog poop three days in a row.
Sexist Men Like Big Boobs? Male Attitudes May Predict Breast Size Preference … ~ So men who don’t find you attractive are pigs. Is that what you’re getting at, A-Cup?
Look, You Guys Don’t Know Kylie Like I Do. She’s Super-Smart And Really, Really Funny. I Just Enjoy Spending Time With Them. With Her. I Enjoy Spending Time With Her.
UK One Of The Most Unhealthiest Western European Nations, Study Says ~ The study notes, however, that they have the most bestest grammar.
Customers want to know why Subway’s footlong subs aren’t 12 inches ~ Men already know the answer to that one.
Arizona Program Helps Latino Parents Navigate School System ~ They can find their way through the vast and unforgiving Sonoran Desert in the dead of a moonless night, but a third-rate educational system apparently poses too great a challenge.
13 Things Your Child’s Teacher Won’t Tell You ~ One, obviously, is that the little turd’s a halfwit, and that he oughtn’t set his vocational aspirations any higher than “seasonal laborer.”
Dolphins Call Each Other By Name ~ Curiously, all dolphins seem to have the same name, “E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E!”
Women mistakenly shot in Calif. manhunt get apology and promise of a new truck ~ Hey, an apology! Most folks unlucky enough find themselves on the receiving end of American federal aggression just get the promises.
“You Had Better Hope They Don’t Find Gold In That Truck, Honey, Or Believe Me–They Will Snatch That Shit Back With A Quickness.”
Is ADHD a phony disorder? ~ Only the part about it being a disorder.
Christopher Dorner: Sparing housekeepers led to undoing ~ Oh my God, that is like Psycho-On-A-Rampage 101, dude! You ALWAYS grease the housekeeper. No exceptions, man.
Sibling fights may lead to depression, self-esteem issues ~ So it’s your fault Jenny can’t get her fat ass off the couch long enough to fill out a job application.
I’d rather hire a foreigner – they ‘push themselves more’ ~ I’d rather hire a local–they ‘converse more easily in English.’
Stop Pretending Disabled People Don’t Commit Crimes ~The annals of criminal history are replete with handi-capable hoodlums like “Palsy” Johnson, Twitchin’ Jimmy Reddenbacher and Mickey the Leper.
Limousine driver dies after striking pedestrian ~ The pedestrian, reporter Clark Kent, was said to be shaken but unharmed following the accident.
You Should Know–He’s Not A Very Nice Guy.
Promethean Times 
Wonderful stuff.
Many favorites – especially liked the dolphins’ name and the phony disorder.
By the way, on the subject of bong water, I’ve always been under the impression that the only thing it mixes with is, well, bong water.
And I’m not even sure about that. It’s nasty stuff!
Indeed!
One of life’s greatest mystery must be how such a sweet smelling substance can create such a foul smelling liquid.
In response I was trying to think of something analogous, and came up blank. I’m sure there’s something out there, but you’re right, it seems unique to me.
Laughing Out-Loud… …At 5:35am… …WONDERFUL!!! 😀
Great Stuff, Dude!!!
-B.
I didn’t know there was a 5:35 in the morning, too. Ugh! Glad I made you laugh, bro!
You Always Manage To Make Me Giggle, Dude. Without Fail. Even When You’re Not Trying To Do So. 😉 This Time, However, I Know It Was Intentional… …And It Really Was WONDERFUL! hehehehe
Keep ‘Em Comin’, Dude.
I Love ‘Em!!!
=D
-B.
Reblogged this on "You Jivin' Me, Turkey?" and commented:
A Little Somethin’ Somethin’ To Make Y’all Smile!!!
You Can Thank Smak For This One!!! hehehehe
-B.
Thanks as always, Bad Brad!
Totally, Dude.
I Always Try To Remember To Reblog The “Headlines” Editions.
They’re F-in’ PRICELESS, Fo SHO.
😀
-B.
“Why Do We Pay Waiters Better Than God? ~ Because God works for free, and even a dude from Honduras won’t do that.”
Have you taken a look around lately? God quit and moved to the Carribean!
And don’t you be picking on A-cups, you warty 3-incher ! 😉 Ptttthhhh!
I’ll have you know that the ladies who don’t laugh at me for being endowed like a six-year-old tell me that it’s not how big it is, but how you use it.
They lie! It’s both! 😉
Count me sexist.
That Indian, by the way, shedding the tear from that ’70’s commercial about littering, is actually an Italian actor named Espera di Corti, aka, Iron Eyes Cody. Seriously.
Happy Opening Day!
Bill
An Italian actor? I feel so cheated.
I’d heard that. Although I thought he was Italian-American.
Opening Day is always great–I checked out the standings this morning, and the Dodgers are tied for 1st place in the NL West! Of course, the Mariners haven’t played a game, but have managed to find themselves a half game back in the AL West.
Mickey the Leper – Made my day
Ohh I’ve missed so much this!
Thanks for the laugh.
I said I’ve missed because my reader is screwed up and don’t show me all the updates, yours among them, I had to see if you’ve been posting lately and yes, you’ve been.
Smakster, you OUTDID yourself with this one! I had to stop eating my lunch because I was afraid I was going to choke from laughing too hard! SERIOUSLY funny!
Great stuff, as always. Loved the dog one—“Is This What Has Become Of My Once-Proud People?” But really, who wouldn’t want David Arquette’s butt in their face?…
A chicken coop? ha ha ha ha. Great headlines. Thanks for this post.
A real good one!
Thanks! It’s always nice when one resonates with folks. I like ’em all, of course, and so I never know when something will “hit,” but it’s gratifying when it does.
This is one of your best, Smak. And, no, that’s not saying much, but it’s still sort of a compliment.
And such is my pathetic need to please and to be praised that I will accept any form of compliment. Thanks, Mike!
Even a backhanded compliment is a compliment, am I right? Always stay that half-full type of person, Smak.
Hey, I followed that link about the girl and the fake weed. It’s actually really sad about her and how many other people have been severely injured, or killed themselves or others during psychotic episodes caused by this ‘knock-off’. You should do a post about it. I was gonna, but I am feeling very lazy mentally today.
I’ve long been tempted. It just seems so ridiculous what we allow people to do to themselves and what we forbid. There’s just such huge inconsistencies.
Personal favorite especially when I think of my sister’s cat-hating dog, Thurber:
A Cat’s 200-Mile Trek Home Leaves Scientists Guessing ~ That dog is looking less impressive by the second.
I’m a little suspicious of a dog that isn’t a cat-hater. “Thurber” is a cool name. I guess interesting nomenclature is a family trait.
My childhood hound, Mean Streak, was rather popular with cats i.e., he got on very well with them. They’d see him coming and would approach him. When a person would approach him, he’d bark and growl.
Hmmph…Mean Streak is a great name, but wasted on a race-traitor!
And let me assure you I’m being facetious. Not about the race-traitor part, but about the name being wasted on your dog. There’s NOTHING like a childhood dog, and I’m sure he was awesome (the cat thing being one of those qualities I’d just have to accept).
When “they” made Mean Streak, I assure you that they burned the mold.
Oh how I love those posts. You’re so witty you make me wanna stop writing 😉
ps. I gotta protest against Brits’ unhealthiness. I am not one, but since I moved here, most of my friends have done a half-marathon or something similar. Not me, of course. Caaraaaazy people.
Thanks, PG! I know you’re being facetious, but I’ve actually had that happen to me while reading Salman Rushdie. It’s like, “Why do I bother?”
I never thought of the Brits as particularly unhealthy (their smiles excepted), just pasty. Thinking back on it, they probably are a little heftier than continental Europeans, but still slim & trim compared to their Yankee cousins. I know that there’s a tremendous amount of binge drinking in the UK right now, and anecdotally, that there’s a lot of drug consumption. So that might contribute to the issue.
Haha, totally. I had that when I read Cortazar. And you… am I comparing you to Cortazar? Well, it’s a very different sort of writing ;).
Yup, drinking is an issue, I agree. Drugs? Maybe, I have no idea how it compares to the rest of the world.
Completely ‘offensive’, completely ‘insensitive’, and completely hilarious.
I’ll most likely be laughing about ‘Twitchin’ Jimmy Reddenbacher’ for days.
I’m glad you liked it, Alex, and I appreciate it! As I said somewhere else, they’re my babies and I like ’em all, but I do wonder sometimes “Is anybody gonna think this is funny?” so it’s always nice when they do.
Given how most cats couldn’t care less about the people who feed and shelter them, what led this one to make a 200-mile journey back???
Well, I understand that the cat originally came from a home that served Meow Mix, and his compulsion for that particular dish led him home. It sounds unbelievable, but I’m told that Meow Mix is so popular that cats ask for it by name.
Sorry.
Being laced with the kitty equivalent of crack helps in this endeavor….
Fortunately, the image of David Arquette topless was blotted out by memorites of sitting with Kylie, having a scintillating conversation about astrophysics with them.
Yes, them.
What? Those could be space-age materials…
You are truly warped. This one had me rolling: “13 Things Your Child’s Teacher Won’t Tell You”