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Tag Archives: STDs

Headlines: When Pigs Float

01 Monday Apr 2013

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, Entertainment, Headlines, History, Music, News

≈ 43 Comments

Tags

Adam Lambert, Balto, Barack Obama, bongwater, breastuses, cannabis, Christopher Dorner, Clark Kent, David Arquette, dope, empty promises, headlines, hemp, lies men tell, marijuana, reefer, STDs, sweet sweet cheeba, synthetic marijuana, weed, Wicca

By Smaktakula

Ha! Tell Me About It. There’s A “Steve” Story About This Very Thing!

Because we learn everything we need to know about the world from the headlines of the day!

***

Police remove woman who yelled ‘Boring!’ during symphony ~ She’s only saying what everybody’s thinking.

The kilogram has gained weight ~ It sounds like maybe that European diet isn’t so healthy after all.

Hi there. What’s your sign? Have any STDs? ~ Smaktakula. Virgo. Genital wa…frankly, I don’t think that’s any of your business.

Teen narrowly escapes death after smoking synthetic marijuana ~ Coming within inches of claiming its first confirmed kill is quite an achievement considering that synthetic marijuana has only been around for about ten years or so. Real marijuana’s been around since the beginning of time and has never even come close to that level of lethality.

Girl who performed for Obama shot dead in Chicago ~ Look, it may seem a little harsh, but there’s the expectation that you’ll bring your A-game when you perform for the President.

Desperate dog makes 2-mile trek to find owner ~ I’m sorry, did you just say ‘two miles?’ TWO FUCKING MILES? Does the name Balto mean anything to you? Dammit, somebody fetch me a rolled-up newspaper!

“Is This What Has Become Of My Once-Proud People?”

Bodies of missing Mexican band members found in well. ~ So it sounds like all’s well that ends…sorry. Let’s try to put this one behind us, okay?

Court: Calif. may have to hire Wiccan chaplains ~ The First Amendment: No longer just for ‘real’ faiths.

What is “Mrs.” short for? … ~ The Mister’s!

Should You Start Your Own Chicken Coop? ~ If you give even a moment of your time to serious consideration of this question, then you’re a fucking nitwit.

Teen girl’s killing ignites widespread outrage: ‘Why did it have to be her’ ` Everybody was hoping it would be that little bitch Emily Dawkins from over on 11th Ave.

David Arquette Gives Adam Lambert B-Day Lap Dance ~ THIS JUST IN: Adam Lambert announces he is now straight.

Oh, It’s Assault For Sure, Not Least To The Senses.

A Cat’s 200-Mile Trek Home Leaves Scientists Guessing ~ That dog is looking less impressive by the second.

Why Do We Pay Waiters Better Than God? ~ Because God works for free, and even a dude from Honduras won’t do that.

Depressed teens mostly struggle alone ~ Well, sure–who wants to waste his or her life palling around with a Weepy Willy or Suzie So-Sad?

Dead pigs in Shanghai water supply don’t ring alarm bells for Chinese officials ~ “What? You no like sweet & sour pork?”

First Person: It’s Hard to Send a Pet to Heaven ~ It gets a lot easier once you’ve stepped out of bed and into a steaming coil of dog poop three days in a row.

Sexist Men Like Big Boobs? Male Attitudes May Predict Breast Size Preference … ~ So men who don’t find you attractive are pigs. Is that what you’re getting at, A-Cup?

Look, You Guys Don’t Know Kylie Like I Do. She’s Super-Smart And Really, Really Funny. I Just Enjoy Spending Time With Them. With Her. I Enjoy Spending Time With Her.

UK One Of The Most Unhealthiest Western European Nations, Study Says ~ The study notes, however, that they have the most bestest grammar.

Customers want to know why Subway’s footlong subs aren’t 12 inches ~ Men already know the answer to that one.

Arizona Program Helps Latino Parents Navigate School System ~ They can find their way through the vast and unforgiving Sonoran Desert in the dead of a moonless night, but a third-rate educational system apparently poses too great a challenge.

13 Things Your Child’s Teacher Won’t Tell You ~ One, obviously, is that the little turd’s a halfwit, and that he oughtn’t set his vocational aspirations any higher than “seasonal laborer.”

Dolphins Call Each Other By Name ~ Curiously, all dolphins seem to have the same name, “E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E!”

Women mistakenly shot in Calif. manhunt get apology and promise of a new truck ~ Hey, an apology! Most folks unlucky enough find themselves on the receiving end of American federal aggression just get the promises.

“You Had Better Hope They Don’t Find Gold In That Truck, Honey, Or Believe Me–They Will Snatch That Shit Back With A Quickness.”

Is ADHD a phony disorder? ~ Only the part about it being a disorder.

Christopher Dorner: Sparing housekeepers led to undoing ~ Oh my God, that is like Psycho-On-A-Rampage 101, dude! You ALWAYS grease the housekeeper. No exceptions, man.

Sibling fights may lead to depression, self-esteem issues ~ So it’s your fault Jenny can’t get her fat ass off the couch long enough to fill out a job application.

I’d rather hire a foreigner – they ‘push themselves more’ ~ I’d rather hire a local–they ‘converse more easily in English.’

Stop Pretending Disabled People Don’t Commit Crimes ~The annals of criminal history are replete with handi-capable hoodlums like “Palsy” Johnson, Twitchin’ Jimmy Reddenbacher and Mickey the Leper.

Limousine driver dies after striking pedestrian ~ The pedestrian, reporter Clark Kent, was said to be shaken but unharmed following the accident.

You Should Know–He’s Not A Very Nice Guy.

Best of Headlines Part I

30 Monday Jul 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, News, Politics, Science, Sport, Stupidity

≈ 29 Comments

Tags

American Civil War, Arkansas, childish sexual innuendo, drugs, fun with stereotypes, gay people, headlines, hookers, India, Japan, Lady Gaga, Latinos, Leonardo DiCaprio, LiLo, Lindsay Lohan, Los Angeles, nudists, perverts, Republicans, Smaktakula is aware that 'penises' is the accepted plural but if it's good enough for Steinbeck it's good enough for you, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, Somalia, STDs, the French, Uranus, US Navy, Yoko Ono, you got a real purty mouth

By Smaktakula

Howdy, folks. Headlines has always been one of our favorite Promethean Times features, and recently it seems to have picked up popularity with our readers. This wasn’t always the case. It might surprise you to know we’ve done 23 of these things over the last couple years. That’s like 575 individual headlines, give or take (we didn’t count). Most of them will deservedly be lost to history–there were a lot of duds in the early posts, but we have chosen sixty or so of our favorites from the first fifteen Headlines posts that are almost certainly new to you. Enjoy them again for the first time! ∞ T.

“No, I Said It Made Me Want To ‘Matriculate.’…What?…Well, Sure–That, Too.”

In Which We Comment On The Headlines, But Leave The Reading To People Who Like To Do That Kind Of Thing

***

Can Your Pet Read Your Mind? ~ What?  Are you a child?  No!

Japan scientist synthesizes meat from human feces ~ Known popularly as ‘The Yoko Ono Story.’

Why Do Republicans Love Pizza?  ~ The same reason everybody else loves pizza.

How the Finns stole Thanksgiving ~ On skis, just like they do everything else.

Why the 2012 Hispanic Vote Doesn’t Matter … Yet ~ Whoa! Looks likes someone’s scrubbing his own floor tonight!

Yeah, I’m Pretty Sure They Heard You. Next Time, Just S-P-E-L-L It Out, Okay?

Did Lohan crash DiCaprio’s party? ~ Look, just because I let you blow me once doesn’t mean you can come to my parties.  Twice, whatever.  Get the fuck out.

Somalis Rip Aid Donors for ‘Failing’ Famine Victims ~ If it bothers you so much, then eat your own damn food.   . . .  Oh, right.  Sit tight, folks.

Scientists plan Uranus probe ~ Heh.

Things You Didn’t Know About Your Penis ~ Please. After decades of rigorous hands-on study of our penii coupled with regular field-testing, there’s very little about our one-eyed heat-seeking moisture missiles that still remains a mystery.

Wearing Only a Smile, Nudists Seek Out the Young and the Naked ~ And how is that different from what sexual predators do?

“What Kind Of Parents Do You Think We Are? When A Hairy, Naked Stranger Asks If He Can Take Teddy To The Beach For The Weekend, You Can Bet We’ll Ask A Few Questions. He Checks Out, Though, And Told Us He’d Have Teddy Back Sometime On Monday Or Tuesday.

Shark expert surprised by great white attack on woman ~ If he’s really such an expert, he should know that they do that.

Los Angeles fire captain held in heroin sting ~ The fire captain is a boy. Boys are called “heroes.”

Housewife to pen memoir ~ This Floor Is Clean makes its hardcover debut next spring!

Sukanya Roy, 14, wins Scripps National Spelling Bee with ‘cymotrichous’ ~ If only Sukanya’s special power could somehow prevent the inevitable playground beatings.

Civil War’s dirty secret about slavery ~ Was that a secret?–Because our 8th grade history teacher just couldn’t shut up about it.

You’d Think He’d Have Been Smart Enough Not To Leave A Paper Trail.

25 members of Congress with lowest net worth ~ How much respect should we have for these mouth-breathers if they can’t even steal right?

When it’s time to run for office, fewer women stand up ~ They do the same thing when it’s time to pee.

Why French Parents Are Superior ~ Does smelling like a turd in rotten-egg sauce stuffed inside the bloated belly of a week-old corpse make you a better parent? Because if it does, we totally get it.

Live: Packers pounding Vikes on the way to 9-0 ~ You know, in certain circles that could mean a bunch of gay men are taking painkillers.  Maybe it does anyway.

Really? The Claim: Excess Weight Raises the Risk of Acne ~ Because it’s that zit on your nose that’s keeping you home on Saturday nights, man-tits.

No, Bro–The Headband Totally Covers It! Rusty, My Man–I Think Tonight Is Finally Your Night!

Tradition forces girls into prostitution ~ “My momma was a ho, just like her momma before her.”

Why My Father Hated India ~ We can give you 1.2 billion perfectly good reasons.

Imperfect teeth are big in Japan ~ Yeah, but everything looks a little bigger in Japan.

Ex-Colorado Sheriff Accused of Trading Drugs for Sex Sits in Jail Named After Him ~ AWK-ward.

Gaga’s scent smells like expensive hookers ~ We prefer the delightful bouquet of burned crack infused with fear-sweat and just a hint of urine that distinguishes so many of today’s down-market hos.

We’d Offer You Our Lunch, But Regrettably,We Lost It Just Moments Ago.

Prevent STDs like a porn star ~ Die of a drug overdose before you’re diagnosed.

Gay rights fight, in Allah’s name ~ You know, just printing the words “Gay” and “Allah” in the same sentence can get you killed.

Rising NBA star sleeps on sofa ~ That’s where a lot of former NBA stars sleep as well.

Ark. cities feel unexplained surge in earthquakes ~ Perhaps God is angry about all the incest.

Navy panel allows openly gay sailor to continue to serve ~ Sounds noble, but remember–we’re talking about the Navy.  If it were to jettison all the gay sailors from its ranks, the US Navy would be left with all the fighting strength of the Cape Cod Yacht Club.

Write Your Own Caption About The US Navy. It Should Contain At Least One Childishly Suggestive Reference (e.g., “Swabbing The Poop Deck!”, “Thar He Blows!” Or “I’m Securing Your Shit Below Deck, Sir!”), And Make Gratuitous Use Of The Word ‘Seamen.’ Support Our Troops!

Recent Headlines Not Included Above

(And Which You May Very Well Have Already Seen)

        • Headlines: 04.03.12
        • Headlines: Titanic Edition
        • Headlines 04.30.12
        • Headlines 05.18.12
        • Headlines 05.24.12
        • Headlines 06.01.12
        • Headlines 06.20.12
        • Headlines 06.29.12
        • Headlines 07.13.12
        • Headlines 07.23.12

Look for Best of Headlines Part II later this week!

Wife Believes Husband’s STD Came From Insect Bite

10 Friday Jun 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, News, Science

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Brian Foy, CDC, Centers for Disease Control, Joy Foy, lies, mosquitoes, Senegal, sexually-transmitted diseases, STDs, STDs are no laughing matter!, The Clap, Zika Virus

By Smaktakula

Proper Genital Health Is Essential To A Happy Marriage.

Among the best ways to destroy your marriage, giving your wife a sexually transmitted disease has to lie near the top.  When researcher Brian Foy passed on a dose of the Zika virus to his wife, Joy, it seemed quite likely that the biologist had pissed his marriage away.

Malaria, The Plague And Now This. Can There Be Any Doubt That Mosquitoes Suck Ass?

However, it takes brains to be a scientist, and the wily Foy wasn’t going down without a fight.  Subscribing to the Hitlerian adage that the people will believe a big lie easier than a small one,  Foy decided to turn into the skid and give his wife the whopper of all-time excuses.

For Some STDs, This Is The Only Known Treatment.

Perhaps remembering the urban legend about contracting herpes from a toilet seat, Foy found himself spinning a yarn about acquiring the embarrassing ailment from infected African mosquitos during a trip to Senegal, all the while professing his steadfast fidelity.  Going the extra mile, he convinced a few of his buddies at the Centers for Disease Control to play along with the gag.

The Likely Culprit (Artist's Conception).

Amazingly, Joy bought the whole thing, and the happy couple is once more adrift on a sea of wedded bliss.  Meanwhile, across America, men are struggling mightily to think of an everyday occurrence that might occasion giving their wives a case of the clap.

Wishes He'd Heard This Story A Few Weeks Ago.

Headlines 05.27.11

27 Friday May 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, News, Politics, Religion, Sport

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Apple, Buster Posey, chauvinism, comas, Dewey defeats Truman, Dominique Strauss-Kahn, English isn't a real major, English majors, forgery, God, Harry S Truman, has-beens, headlines, Houston Astros, Ivy League, Jesus freaks, Johnny Depp, Juan Marichal, Judas Iscariot, Los Angeles Dodgers, Mickey Mouse, misogyny, Navy SEALs, New Testament, Oprah Winfrey, porn stars, psychopath, retard, San Francisco Giants, South Carolina, STDs, Stephen Hawking, Steven Tyler, Thomas Dewey, venereal disease

By Smaktakula

In which we respond to the headlines without reading the stories.

Because The Headline Tells You All You Really Need To Know.

***

My Son and West Point — How Did Four Years Pass In the Blink of an Eye? ~ You’ve just awoken from a years-long coma following a grisly accident.  We thought someone had already told you.  Sorry.

Half of New Testament forged, Bible scholar says ~ The culprit appears to be a Jewish revolutionary by the name of Iscariot.

Prevent STDs like a porn star ~ Die of a drug overdose before you’re diagnosed.

Oprah Winfrey signs off after 25 years in daytime talk TV ~ In unrelated news, the American home has suddenly become cleaner, reversing a quarter-century trend.

For Oprah So Loved The World That She Spent A Tiny Bit Of Her Own Money, That Whoever Receives From Her Should Not Whine, But Have Eternal Thanks.

Doomsday Today: Will world end on May 21, 2011? ~ Nope.

Apple triggers ‘religious’ reaction in fans’ brains, report says ~ Apple fans are a lot like Jesus freaks–nice enough people, but not someone you want to be stuck next to on a seven-hour flight.

Stephen Hawking: ‘There is no heaven; it’s a fairy story ~ Look at it from Stephen’s perspective–if there is a God, He fucking HATES Stephen Hawking.

Disproving God Is As Easy As Tying Your Shoes.

Steven Tyler Hits The Studio With Johnny Depp ~ Johnny’s doing his part for ‘Take Your Grandpa To Work’ Day.

French women attack misogyny in Strauss-Kahn case ~ Misogyny, Non! Chauvinism, Oui!

‘R word’ to be removed from S.C. state laws ~ The mentally challenged will now be called ‘persons with intellectual disabilities.’  There’s no way retards will ever be able to understand that.

When it’s time to run for office, fewer women stand up ~ They do the same thing when it’s time to pee.

Navy Fights Mickey Mouse for SEALs Trademark ~ That mouse is fucked.

US Forces Currently Occupy California Adventures, Frontierland and New Orleans. Special Forces Teams Are Attempting To Establish A Foothold In Fantasyland While Shelling General Duck’s Bunkers In Tomorrowland.

How to spot a psychopath ~ He’s the dude in the Holly Hobby dress holding the dripping ax.

Why would-be engineers end up as English majors ~ Because being an English major is easy.  Trust us.

Top Colleges, Largely for the Elite ~ Exclusionary, Ivy-League institutions are being overrun by the privileged children of the world’s elite?  The devil you say!

Why did no one notice the boy was missing? ~ It’s hardly a ringing endorsement for the dynamism of the young man’s personality.

Dodgers fall to Astros in ninth inning: A fan’s reaction ~ San Francisco Giants fans are advised to stay indoors until such time as the Dodgers can eke out a win.

The Public Has Been Led To Believe That Buster Posey’s Ankle Injury Was Caused By A Collision At The Plate.

We’ve done this kind of thing before:

  • Promethean Times Responds To The Headlines
  • Headlines II
  • Headlines III
  • Headlines IV

Stracciatella: Culinary Delicacy Or Social Disease?

24 Monday Jan 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

blemishes, cheeses, childish sexual innuendo, educational films, gelato, GIs, Italy, one's a cunning runt, painful urination, social disease, soldiers, soups, STDs, STDs are no laughing matter!, stracciatella, the heartbreak of stracciatella, the Stratch, unsightly blemishes, VD, venereal disease, World War II, WWII

By Smaktakula

Okay, Next Picture This Happening In Your Pants.

This one fooled us, too.  Apparently stracciatella can refer to such varied foodstuffs as a soup, cheese and ice-cream.  It is known neither to cause painful urination nor unsightly blemishes on the nether-regions.

We're Reasonably Sure This Is The Soup.

Now the idea of “picking up a case of stracciatella in Italy” doesn’t sound nearly so scary.  Or exciting.

A Fun Historical Fact:  During WWII, American GIs suffering from lactose intolerance were forced to watch a number of anti-stracciatella films before deploying overseas.  Some of the better-known films were Stracciatella? Non!, The Devil’s Cheese and The Fräulein Who Gave Me The Statch. ∞T.

Pepperoni, Sausage, Simplex

12 Wednesday Jan 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Stupidity

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

bad decisions, childish sexual innuendo, foul and disgusting things, Gonorrhea Twists, herpes, Herpes Pie, herpes pizza, herpes simplex, pizza, poorly-chosen names, STDs, STDs are no laughing matter!, Syphilis Whips, the gift that keeps on giving, unlike your 15 minutes of fame herpes lasts forever, venereal disease

By Smaktakula

Take a hard look at the image below.  Do you notice anything unpleasant about the sign above the pizza shop?

This Chain Famously Shuts Its Doors For Months At A Time, Only To Appear At Your Door As If By Magic Just As You're Getting Ready For A Really Nice (And Now Hopefully, Understanding) Meal.

Good eye, folks!  Not only does the sign employ a color scheme so vulgar in its crass insouciance to almost defy description, but the antiquated font harkens back to the days of the Silicon Valley Boom, and frankly is a little hard to read.

“So that’s one family size Herpes Pie and four medium Cokes.  Did you wanna take home any Gonorrhea Twists or Syphilis Whips tonight?”

Historical Figures With Unfortunate Nicknames: ‘Black Dick’ Howe

23 Thursday Sep 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, History

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

1st Earl Howe, Admiral Richard Howe, American Revolution, Black Dick, crotch rot, Great Britain, Lord Howe, Prince Harry, Prince William, Royal Navy, Rum Buggery & The Lash, STDs, Tunisian Tart, unfortunate nicknames, United Kingdom, venereal disease, War for American Independence, War with the Colonies

By Smaktakula

Admiral Richard Howe, the 1st Earl Howe (1726-1799), led a distinguished and remarkable life. Taking to the sea at an early age, Howe fought for Great Britain in many Eighteenth Century conflicts, including the War for American Independence.  Today, Lord Howe’s name is immortalized in ships and towns throughout the remaining rump of the British Empire.  Prince William, England’s future king, and his loutish brother Harry number among Howe’s descendants.

Despite so much good luck and historical recognition (Britain’s near-success against the rebellious colonies notwithstanding), Howe will forever be burdened by the odious sobriquet: Black Dick.

Beyond The Black: In Later Years Lord Howe Had To Hold The Damned Thing In Place If He Didn't Want To Make A Scene.

Are you kids sure you want to hear the story of how Grandpa got his nickname again?  You’ve heard this a million times.
Oh, all right, then.
Once, when your grandpa was a wee lad, not much older than yourselves, he met a tart from Tunisia . . .

The Skonk

23 Monday Aug 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Cinema, Culture, General Foolishness, Health, Hollywood, People, Political Correctness, Reality Television, Relationships, Scandal, Television

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

Abraham Lincoln, Adolf Hitler, Albert Einstein, Barack Obama, Big Bird, Bill Clinton, Bill O'Reilly, Bush 41, Bush 43, Colin Farrell, crabs, David Letterman, Eddie Murphy, Elmo, FDR, Franklin Delano Roosevelt, Fred, George Herbert Walker Bush, George W. Bush, herpes, heterosexuality, homosexuality, J. Robert Oppenheimer, jackassery, James Bond, John F. Kennedy, John Lennon, Johnny Depp, Karl Marx, Keith Richards, man-skanks, man-whores, Mick Jagger, misconceptions regarding skanks, Mohandas Gandhi, Morrissey, Napoleon Bonaparte, Pat Sajak, Paul McCartney, People Magazine, Richard M. Nixon, Russell Crowe, Sherlock Holmes, skankery, skanks, Skanks in the Crosshairs, skonk, skonkery, skonks, Slick Willy, STDs, Stephen Morrissey, tabloids, Thomas Jefferson, W, whoredom, William Henry Harrison, William Jefferson Clinton, William McKinley, Woodrow Wilson, Woody Allen, you got a real purty mouth

By Smaktakula

In preparation for our upcoming multi-part investigative series on modern whoredom, Skanks In The Crosshairs, the Promethean Times Research Staff spent hundreds of man-hours reading tabloids, clipping articles from old issues of People Magazine we’d liberated from dentists’ offices, and lots of solitary time in the screening room.  The benefits of this research exceeded our initially modest expectations.  Immersion into the tawdry world of skandom produced a wealth of data, which when put in proper context revealed a number of generally held misconceptions regarding skanks as a whole.

Perhaps no subject in all of skandom is more misunderstood and veiled in half-truths than that of male skanks, or skonks.  Ironically, almost two-thirds of the respondents in a Promethean Times survey characterized themselves as “somewhat knowledgeable” to “very knowledgeable” about skonks.  A chasm exists between what is commonly known about skonks and what is believed to be known.  Perhaps it is in that gulf that the skonk will reveal himself.

Johnny Depp: His Skonk Oil Is Worth Millions.

Firstly, the popular notion that skanks outnumber skonks is a complete falsehood.  In fact, skonks outnumber skanks at a 2:1 ratio, even after accounting for the numerical differences between the male and female population.  It is perhaps because of this very ubiquity that the media tends to focus its attention on skanks rather than skonks.

This information also debunks the myth that skonks make up only a small percentage of all males.  The consensus among experts is that well over half of all men are skonks, with a majority positing of 70-85% skonk saturation.  One reason this figure is so inexact is that unlike skanks who tend advertise their skankiness, a sizeable portion of skonks endeavor to keep their skonkitude hidden.

Nor are gay men immune to skonkitude.  In fact, it is believed that the percentage of skonks among gay men is far higher than among the population as a whole.  One expert, who places the figure somewhere around 97%, says, “It’s pretty hard to find a gay man who isn’t a skonk.”

Angel Of The Morning: Skonk Life Is Not All Sunshine And Giggles.

Some famous skonks and non-skonks:

Historical

Napoleon was a skonk; Hitler was not.

Secret Skonk: Gandhi

Great Minds

Oppenheimer wasn’t a skonk, but Einstein was.

Secret Skonk: Karl Marx

Film & Television

Colin Farrell, David Letterman, Russell Crowe, Eddie Murphy, Bill O’Reilly, Woody Allen and myriad more are skonks.  Pat Sajak and one or two others too obscure to name are not.

Secret Skonk: None

Music

Mick Jagger is a skonk; John Lennon was not.

Keith Richards is a skonk; Paul McCartney pretends to be a skonk.

Secret Skonk: Morrissey

Presidents of the United States of America

Presidents Jefferson, FDR, Kennedy, Clinton and several others were First Skonks.  Presidents Lincoln, McKinley, Wilson, Nixon, Bush (41) were not.

Barack Obama is not a skonk; George Bush (43) was a skonk in his youth, but has since reformed.

Secret Skonk: William Henry Harrison

"Damn, It Feels Good To Be A Gangsta."

Fictional Characters

James Bond is a skonk; Sherlock Holmes is not.

Elmo is a skonk; Big Bird is not.

Secret Skonk: Fred From Scooby Doo

Friends of Promethean Times

Charlie Sheen and Michael Murphy are skonks; Grigori Perelman and Rolando “Cashew Dick” Negrin are not.

The Haimster was a skonk; diminutive and dearly missed virgin Gary Coleman was not.

Secret Skonk: Kim Jong-il

"Hate The Game. Don't Hate The Praya."

Share More Than Herpes With Facebook

Condom Manufacturer Missing Massive, Throbbing Opportunity

17 Tuesday Aug 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

advertising, AIDS, childish sexual innuendo, HIV, hung like a, it's akin to taking a shower while wearing a raincoat, Magnum, marketing, Max Pro, microdick poseurs, no glove no love, no sensation, prophylactic powerhouse, sexually-transmitted diseases, shortsightedness, STDs, The Clap, there really isn't much Walgreens Debbie hasn't seen, Trojan Condoms, unwanted pregnancy, VD, Walgreens, well-endowed men

By Smaktakula

Rigidity, long viewed as an asset within Trojan® Brand Condoms’ corporate culture, may now be its undoing.  The prophylactic powerhouse is missing out on a marketing goldmine.

Condoms: A Great Way To Prevent Unwanted Pregnancies, Sexually Transmitted Diseases Or Any Sensation In The Penis During Sex.

The condom manufacturer boasts several lines of extra-large condoms, including Magnum and Max Pro.  Industry studies show that 25%-30% of the men who purchase these products do so because they have penises too large for regular-sized condoms.

The remaining percentage are thought to be microdick poseurs who believe that pretending to be the proud owner of a penis the size of a baby’s forearm will impress the clerk at Walgreens.  It won’t; she’s seen bigger.

As effective as Magnum and Max Pro may be in attracting the better-hung man’s dollars, Trojan has yet to utilize the branding coup of the decade.  Amazingly, it seems no one has yet wondered, Wouldn’t it be great if there were already a word which people associate with ‘Trojan,’ but which also connotes superhuman endowment?

"HELLO!?!"

Genitals Of Jersey Shore Cast Declared ‘Herpes Nest’

07 Monday Jun 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, General Foolishness, Health, National Events, People, Places, Reality Television, Scandal, Social Networking, Television

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

fake n' bake, famous for nothing, Flintstones Chewable Vitamins, Goombah, Guidettes, Guidos, herpes, Herpes Nest, Italian Stereotypes, J-Woww, Jersey Shore, promiscuity, reality television, skankery, skanks, Snooki, STDs, The Clap, The Shore, The Situation, unfortunately-named celebrities, unlike your 15 minutes of fame herpes lasts forever, Valtrex, well-known whores, your mother must be very proud

Who knew there could be consequences from living a life without consequences?   

Who knew the thought of the Jersey Shore cast gobbling Valtrex like they were Flintstones Chewable Vitamins would be so disturbing?   

Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Enter Here

What’s The Difference Between J-Woww And A Midget Con Man?  Well, One’s A Cunning Runt . . .Jersey Shore creator hands out herpes medicine to cast ‘like M&Ms,’ says report.   

Smaktakula

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  • Teachable Moments
  • The Garden-Destroying Cross-Lot Food Fight
  • My Beef With That One Guy From ‘Fast Times At Ridgemont High’
  • Shelly The Parasitic Yoko of Pervert Alley
  • Welcome To Pervert Alley
  • A Profoundly Philosophical Question
  • My Friend Joey Park, Part III
  • My Friend Joey Park, Part II
  • My Friend Joey Park, Part I
  • Headlines: In Which No Puppies Were Harmed Or Abducted
  • Profiles in Loutishness
  • Bet Your Bottom Dollar That Tomorrow
  • Mea Culpa: 55 Cent
  • Goat Mayo
  • Headlines: More News We Don’t Understand
  • The Aging Gunslinger
  • Hungarian Fone Kard
  • Fresh Socks For Homeless Walter
  • I’m An Ass, And I’m Sorry
  • Headlines: I Was A Caveman’s Love-Puppet
  • Untruth & Consequences: Debriefing
  • To All The Girls I’ve Loved Before
  • My Missing Medal
  • Promethean Times Questions Existence Of Sri Lanka
  • Headlines: Shaking And Stirred

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