15 Friday Jun 2012
Posted in Celebrity, Culture, Entertainment, Music
Tags
false predictions, Hammer Time!, MC Hammer, outright lies, self-deception, stars of yesteryear, Too Legit to Quit, Where Are They Now?
Ultimately, The Effort To Hide His Illegitimacy Proved Too Much For Hammer.
After assuring us that he was too legit to do any such thing–MC Hammer quit.
21 Wednesday Dec 2011
Posted in Culture
Tags
Asbury Park, Bayonne, Bruce Springsteen, Camden, Celebrity Death Watch, false predictions, famous for nothing, Garden State, Jason Alexander, Joe Pesci, Joe Piscopo, Jon Bon Jovi, New Jersey, places that suck, Richie Sambora, Smaktakula's distrust of short people, Snooki, unlike your 15 minutes of fame herpes lasts forever, Woodrow Wilson
Glad To See You Made It, Jon. But If It Looks Like Jersey, It's At Best Purgatory.
Residents of the Garden State are resting a little easier with the knowledge that beloved New Jersey music icon Jon Bon Jovi is not dead, as was earlier reported. The erroneous reports of the singer’s death were greeted by the gnashing of teeth and tearing of garments from Bayonne to Camden. After Asbury Park native Bruce Springsteen, Bon Jovi is New Jersey’s most universally popular figure.
"He's Not Dead!" Says Shannon Fitzgerald, Longtime Bon Jovi Stalker, "And I'll Kill Anyone Who Says He Is!"
While Promethean Times shares the public’s relief at the news of Bon Jovi’s continued existence, the false rumors of his demise invite interesting speculation. Given that the majority of celebrities associated with New Jersey are cartoonish parodies of the state’s lowest and most venal stereotypes (the accuracy of these depictions notwithstanding), is there anyone else from New Jersey who might deserve death in Bon Jovi’s stead?
Jason Alexander: Irritating, Bald And Short, But Apparently Going Away On His Own.
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Snooki: Oversexed Orange Wishnik Troll And Herpes' Answer To Typhoid Mary.
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Joe Piscopo: WHO?
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Woodrow Wilson: Snooty Academic. League Of Nations Enthusiast. Reneged On Promise To Keep US Out Of WWI, And Failed To Make The World Safe For Democracy. Already Dead.
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Joe Pesci: Like Alexander, Pesci Is Short And Irritating, But Has Better Hair And Has Appeared In A Funny Movie As Recently As The Clinton Administration.
However, after hundreds of hours sorting through viable candidates, contrasting their various crimes against humanity as well as mitigating factors, we’ve determined the New Jersey celebrity most in need of death:
Richie Sambora: There Can Be Only One.
24 Tuesday May 2011
Tags
Armageddon, End TImes, expiration date, Facebook, false predictions, Harold Camping, humor, predictions, prognostication, Rapture, stale humor, that trick never works, the unfunnying of America, Twitter, unfunny people, World War I, WWI
In Heaven, All The Outfits Will Be Totally Groovy And Outtasite.
Would-be funnymen across the United States and Canada were disheartened this morning to find their Rapture jokes completely depleted of humor. Many people had come to their places of work Tuesday morning armed with hilarious Armageddon material cribbed from late night talk show hosts. Although the routines had been gut-busters the previous week and still considered moderately-funny as recently as Monday night, the cold and sobering light of Tuesday’s dawn shone revealed a tired and broken joke completely bereft of its zing.
That’s not the way it appeared last week, when Harold Camping’s prediction of the world’s demise failed to come off as planned. In the days preceding the California radio-preacher’s May 21st deadline, and in those immediately following the nonevent’s anticlimactic denouement, millions of normally unfunny individuals tugged mightily on this low-hanging fruit, clogging Twitter and Facebook with the pungent droppings.
The sudden expiration date on Rapture humor caught the public largely by surprise. There are a variety of explanations for this seemingly abrupt depletion of funny, but many experts believe the confusion stems from a fundamental misperception, arguing that the recent spate of Rapture humor overachieved beyond anyone’s expectations. By playing well above its level, the Rapture meme was able to create an illusion of sophistication and cultural resonance, which caused observers to believe it would have a longer shelf-life. However, three or four days is reportedly typical for mass-produced humor of that grade. “The fact is,” says a topical humor specialist, “Camping’s Rapture prediction got a lot more play than it deserved, and more ominously, caused every idiot with at least a sixth-grade education to think he was a comedian. I think future generations will look back on this episode with no little amount of embarrassment.”
Some Predicted The World Would End In August 1914. They Might Not Have Been Wrong.
Promethean Times 