15 Friday Jun 2012
Posted in Celebrity, Culture, Entertainment, Music
Tags
false predictions, Hammer Time!, MC Hammer, outright lies, self-deception, stars of yesteryear, Too Legit to Quit, Where Are They Now?
Ultimately, The Effort To Hide His Illegitimacy Proved Too Much For Hammer.
After assuring us that he was too legit to do any such thing–MC Hammer quit.
01 Tuesday Mar 2011
Tags
anti-semitism, Cash4Gold, Gold, Hammer Time!, has-beens, King Hammer, leprechaun consortium, leprechauns, MC Hammer, precious metals, Reverend Hammer, ye stole me gold!
But Is It Reputable? Products Promoted By Hammer Are, If Anything, TOO Legitimate.
Cash4Gold. You’ve seen the ads on TV, at the mall and on creepy hand-drawn signs stapled to telephone poles at the edge of town: “Turn your useless gold into cash!” But why the sudden demand? Who wants all this gold?
This Explanation Is As Likely As Any Other.
There are a number of likely suspects. In fact, any group with sufficient pooled resources and a lack of scruples could be behind it: old moneyed families angling for more power, corporations looking to corner the market on the precious metal or the Red Chinese using financial flimflammery to bring the West to its knees.
Fact: Investing In The Precious Metal Can Be A Lifesaver When Your Career Goes In The Toilet.
As plausible as any of these explanations may be, they all fail to identify the actual culprit. Then just who is behind this sudden drive for gold? To arrive at this answer, it is critical to first shed preconceived notions about what is likely or even possible. Then, begin at the beginning by asking the question whose answer will cut through the mystery: What group’s craving for gold hovers on the edge of obsession and has come to define them as a people?
"Always With This Guy The Same Answer. Guess Again, Schmuck."
The answer to who is behind the Cash4Gold drive then becomes obvious–a leprechaun consortium.
"Nay, Nay, Nay. Oim Us Innocent Us Ah Babe. Twas Sahm Dairty Eyetullian Fooker Fahr Sure."
23 Wednesday Feb 2011
Tags
beefs, Better Run Run, feuds, genie, Hammer Time!, Hellboy, hip-hop, Jay-Z, Kanye West, King Hammer, MC Hammer, Oakland A's, Oaktown, one-hit wonders, Reverend Hammer, ridiculous genie pants, tool-based rap artists, Yapple Dapple!
Please, Hammer. Don't Hurt Yourself.
Hip-Hop star of yesteryear MC Hammer is back with a vengeance–literally. The former Oakland A’s bat boy, who now prefers to be called ‘King Hammer,’ has a beef with rap megastar Jay-Z. Recently, appearing on Kanye West’s “So Appalled,” Jay-Z rapped:
“And Hammer went broke so you know I’m more focused
I lost 30 mil so I spent another 30
‘Cause unlike Hammer 30 million can’t hurt me.”
For his part, Jay-Z claimed he didn’t know that Hammer’s public riches-to-rags story was not part of the public dialogue, and seemed honestly surprised and perhaps a little amused by the kerfuffle. Hip-Hop purists note, even if the diss was unintentional as Jay-Z claims, it still bespeaks a schism between modern Hip-Hop artists and their one-hit wonder forebears.
"What's That?" It's Difficult For Jay-Z To Hear Hammer Over The Sound Of His Millions And Millions Of Dollars.
Unmollified, King Hammer responded with the blistering diss-track, “Better Run Run.” Drawing upon his faith as an ordained minister, Hammer dons a knit cap and Ed Hardy douche-apparel to narrate as a hoodie-wearing Lucifer chases down Jay-Z. Ultimately, only God’s love–manifested through His servant on Earth, the Right Reverend Hammer–can save the multi-platinum rapper from the infernal clutches of Old Scratch. Hammer does just that, then baptizes Jay-Z, whom he calls “Hellboy,” for good measure.
Better Run Run
Jay-Z has chosen not to escalate the feud, pointing out that he has many kind things to say about King Hammer in his upcoming book. This is no small act of kindness. Despite his royal bravado, Hammer is a broken man, with nothing at all left to call his own except for those ridiculous puffy pants.
"Sorry, King, The Check Bounced--I'll Be Needing Those Back, Too."
