Asbury Park, Bayonne, Bruce Springsteen, Camden, Celebrity Death Watch, false predictions, famous for nothing, Garden State, Jason Alexander, Joe Pesci, Joe Piscopo, Jon Bon Jovi, New Jersey, places that suck, Richie Sambora, Smaktakula's distrust of short people, Snooki, unlike your 15 minutes of fame herpes lasts forever, Woodrow Wilson
Residents of the Garden State are resting a little easier with the knowledge that beloved New Jersey music icon Jon Bon Jovi is not dead, as was earlier reported. The erroneous reports of the singer’s death were greeted by the gnashing of teeth and tearing of garments from Bayonne to Camden. After Asbury Park native Bruce Springsteen, Bon Jovi is New Jersey’s most universally popular figure.
While Promethean Times shares the public’s relief at the news of Bon Jovi’s continued existence, the false rumors of his demise invite interesting speculation. Given that the majority of celebrities associated with New Jersey are cartoonish parodies of the state’s lowest and most venal stereotypes (the accuracy of these depictions notwithstanding), is there anyone else from New Jersey who might deserve death in Bon Jovi’s stead?
We proudly present the following options:
However, after hundreds of hours sorting through viable candidates, contrasting their various crimes against humanity as well as mitigating factors, we’ve determined the New Jersey celebrity most in need of death: