Tag Archives: Kobe Bryant

After Osama

06 Friday May 2011

Posted by in Celebrity, Culture, News

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By Smaktakula

Bet You Never Thought You'd Miss This Guy.

The non-turbanned, loosely-wound portion of the world’s population was delighted to hear that inveterate nastyman Osama bin Laden was shot down like a dog, or like anything else that gets shot, really.  For some this joy manifested itself in garish displays of celebration and of nationalistic revelry.  For others, this was a time for the slow shaking of heads and smug reminders that, no matter the enormity of bin Laden’s crimes, death is not something to be celebrated.  But yahoos and pussies alike found common ground in their delight over the death of the cave-dwelling cock-knocker.

Now More Than Ever, A Desperate World Cries Out For An Epic Douchebag.

But now, as the warm afterglow of Mission (Finally) Accomplished begins to fade, so also does the sense of cohesion which, for one shining moment of vengeance-fueled bloodlust, brought us all together.  If this dispersion remains unchecked, we risk drifting back into our petty disagreements.

However, if a new enemy can quickly be found, one in which society can invest its currently unfocused capacity for hatred, we can perhaps recapture the magic of our unified malice.

Some Suggestions For The New Public Enemy #1

With The Intellectual Capacity Of A Houseplant, Nancy Grace Gives False Hope To The Very Stupid.

Kobe Bryant: You Know Why.

The Cranky, Slow And Incompetent Lady At The DMV.

As Is So Often His Lot In Life, Ringo Wasn't Our First Choice For This List, But He'll Have To Do.

Emilio Estevez: No One Will Be Expecting The 'Good' Sheen.

We've Been Gunning For Him Since The 'Chipotle' Commercial.

The Chinese Government Will Back Us On This One.

Americans And Western Europeans Will Have No Problems Resenting Canadians For Their Larger Penises.

Hasn't Made A Good Movie Since The First Bush Presidency, Unless You Count 'Pluto Nash.' Which We Do.

Too Easy.

Lolcats: Ruining Our Grammar Through Their Insidious Adorableness.

Prince Harry: Likes To Dress Up As A Nazi.

"SNARF!"

The Ongoing Doucheification Of Michael Jordan

02 Tuesday Nov 2010

Posted by in Celebrity

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By Smaktakula

Jordan Is Said To Be Growing Increasingly Comfortable With His Doucheiness.

Michael Jordan–at one time the most revered and respected man throughout the sporting world–is proving increasingly to be nothing more than a really tall asshole.

There were hints of it during his time in the NBA.  First there was Jordan’s short-lived retirement in which the basketball great unsuccessfully chased his baseball muse.  Following this were two comebacks, the first of which was highly successful, bringing another string of NBA Championships to Chicago.  Jordan’s final comeback, with the Washington Wizards, was ill-advised and legacy tarnishing.  But for a while, Jordan’s unearthly talent made it easy to overlook these things.

The Tongue Thing Grows Less Cute With Every Passing Day.

More recently, Jordan’s douche factor has leapt through the roof, thanks partially to the athlete’s tumultuous personal life.  Although Jordan and his wife divorced amicably in 2005, revelations quickly surfaced that Jordan had been maintaining an ongoing affair with gold digger and filer of an unsuccessful paternity suit, Karla Knafel.

Given That Jordan Could Have His Pick From Among The World's Great Beauties, Karla Knafel Is A Curious Choice.

A further low for Jordan was his 2009 Basketball Hall of Fame induction ceremony.  Jordan gave a rambling acceptance speech, lashing out at perceived enemies, and re-settling old scores.  Jordan’s biggest accomplishment of the evening was humiliating Leroy Smith, who managed to beat the future NBA great for a spot on the varsity basketball team back in high school.

Many observers saw pettiness as the reason Jordan was less than effusive in his praise of Kobe Bryant, who is considered a lock for the Hall of Fame.  Of Bryant, who has one less championship than his Airness,  Jordan said “If you are talking about guards, I would say he has got to be in the top 10.”

Jordan On Bryant: "He's Okay."

Jordan has always battled issues of character.  From gambling rumors to accusations of being a hands-off franchise owner, the cracks in Jordan’s reputation are beginning to show.

But perhaps the most glaring indication of Jordan’s irrevocable slide toward the douche side is his choice of a Hitler mustache.

"Wir Mussen Die Jazz Ausrotten!"