Anna Nicole Smith, Belgium, Bill Clinton, blond guys with dreads look like idiots, blond is beautiful motherfuckers!, blond people are stupid, double standards, dreadlocks, Emmanuel Lewis, freedom of speech, Gary Coleman, handicapped people, hypocrisy, Jimmy Carter, Kool-Aid Man, nasty blond dreadlocks, opossums, Osama bin Laden, punch lines, self-promotion so shameless that it borders on hucksterism, Why are blondes so stupid?
By the Promethean Times Editorial Staff
In which we present a few of our favorite Promethean Times’ features. We hope you’ll enjoy as well. ∞ T.
Our readers know that humor is near and dear to our hearts. In the following post, we provide the punch lines to our very favorite jokes. Straight lines not included.
The Big Issues:
In which we tackle the pressing social issues of freedom of speech and question the true nature of female beauty. We also discuss why blond people shouldn’t wear their hair in dreadlocks, and why their women are so dumb and slutty.
- Alexandra Wallace: Ching-Chong Champion Of Tolerance
- A Contemporary Helen of Troy
- Something Must Be Done About Blond Guys With Dreadlocks
- Platinum-Headed Hos
We care deeply about the environment and the creatures who live within it.
We spend a good deal of time talking about various places around the globe. We think you’ll enjoy our report on those iniquitous Belgians.
People in Power:
Like the rest of the world, we’re fascinated by powerful people. In these gems, we explore the friendship between two former presidents, and examine the future King of England’s quest for true love.
Small Black Actors:
Tales of two diminutive former child stars: one a cursed, loveless misanthrope, the other a happy little man-whore.
The Evil Ones:
In which we take a hard look at the enemies of freedom.
It’s not just real people who get the Promethean Times treatment. Here we explore the tragic effect of violence upon the worlds of soft-drink advertising and children’s educational programming.
'Lil Kim, 1492, 2010, 2011, 2012, Afghanistan, Amy Winehouse, Arab Spring, Armenian Genocide, Arnold Schwarzenegger, arson, Barack Obama, California, Celebrity Death Watch, Charlie Sheen, Cleveland, Code Pink, Democratic Republic of Congo, Democrats, Diana Spencer, Dirk Nowitzki, dumb kids and the dumb things they do to fuck up their lives, ennui, Fidel Castro, Flower of American Skankhood, Gabby Giffords, gay people, Jani Lane, John Boehner, Julius Malema, Kate Middleton, Kim Jong-il, Kim Jong-un, Kim Kardashian, LeBron James, Leslie Nielsen, Lewis County, Libya, LiLo, Lindsay Lohan, Mayans, Muammar al-Gaddafi, muslims, Nancy Pelosi, narcos, North Korea, Oakland, Occupy, Osama bin Laden, places that suck, Prince William, prognostication, Promethean Times' Person of the Year, puppy-killing, Randy 'Macho Man' Savage, Rapture, Republicans, Robert Mugabe, San Francisco, self-promotion so shameless that it borders on hucksterism, Smaktakula is aware that 'penises' is the accepted plural but if it's good enough for Steinbeck it's good enough for us, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, Smaktakula's vendetta against Lewis County, South Africa, Steve Jobs, Tea Party, the cult-like devotion accorded to Steve Jobs by effete Mac users, the French, the West, United States of America, Washington State, Zimbabwe
By The Promethean Times Editorial Staff
We’ll admit it–we didn’t think it would come to this. We figured we’d be rich by now, or at the very least the Rapture would have freed us from our myriad woes. Since it didn’t (it didn’t, right?), we’ve picked ourselves up and resolved to make a game go of it. Moreover, we’re concentrating our hopes on the admittedly feeble chances the Mayans were right in predicting doom for 2012, and that very soon sweet nothingness will obliterate the pain that is existence.
Until then, though, we’re even more delighted that, last December, we were the inaugural winner of the Promethean Times’ Person of the Year. Now, as we say goodbye to what we call ‘The Year of Promethean Times,’ it’s time to recognize a new mover and/or shaker for his/her/its contribution or impact to our world.
Having outstripped the rest of the field by light-years in the 2010 contest, Promethean Times could be forgiven for feeling like it has an edge in this year’s selection. After all, no one disputes that Promethean Times’ many, many contributions to the betterment of society rank among the more significant developments in 2011. Still, the beloved news journal remains humble. “Would we like to repeat?” asks Smaktakula, lead writer, “Absolutely–who wouldn’t? But we’ve got important events to cover, and we can’t really spend time thinking about things like that. Besides,” he adds, “Some other stuff happened.”
Among that stuff was a string of dead dicks, despots and men of low character. 2011 bid farewell to a number of those comical tyrants who, through nothing more than style, a ridiculous outfit and balls the size of grapefruit, commanded legions to do their bidding. Osama bin Laden’s cringing demise among the fluid-spattered catacombs of his porn library taught us all to laugh again, while the image of Keystone Cops stumbling after wacky sand-despot Muammar Gaddafi in a madcap chase aross the Libyan desert gave us reason to laugh even harder. The ascendance of Steve Jobs and Kim Jong-il to their respective heavenly kingdoms reminded us that Gods too can die.
Fortunately, the world is in no immediate danger of losing its megalomaniacal dickheads–it seems as if for every despot hanged, another sprouts from the puddle of piss at his twitching feet. The loss of ‘Lil Kim was a blow for North Korea, but made easier when Kim Jong-un waddled into his father’s shoes and accepted his mandate to drive the shitstain of a country further into the ground. Africa maintained its preeminence for venal strongmen throughout 2011, with brutal racist Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe single-lippedly keeping alive the Hitler Mustache, while Julius Malema, an exciting new face on the South African scene, promises to continue the ruination of the one-time economic powerhouse. And throughout the world, Muslims continued to blow things up in protest of the western world’s inexplicable and persistent view of Muslims as violent and reactionary. The West countered with fiercely abject apologies.
Another theme embraced wholeheartedly worldwide was indignation. Contrary to the age-old adage, “What goes up must inevitably continue to do so,” 2011 saw a further decline in the still-ridiculous standard of living enjoyed by the West. Like going out to lunch with Grandma, the belief arose that it was enough to wait it out, and somebody would eventually pick up the check. The jarring reality that Grandma died during a visit to the ladies’ room brought angry people into the streets. In America, this phenomenon took the form of “Occupy Wall Street,” a Tea Party for the under-40 crowd, who still like to break things and enjoy the novelty of humping in Liberty Park, where rank coils of human feces suffice for scented candles and complete exposure for privacy.
The year was momentous for the United States. Although ending its involvement in Iraq (kinda, not really) the US steadfastly continued interminable bank-busting conflicts in places like Afghanistan, while also embarking on other daring adventures such as temporary conflicts in Libya and a secret war¹ in the Democratic Republic of Congo. On the home front, the government turned its attention against homegrown enemies, like pot shops in California, while Operation Fast & Furious ensured that narcos and Mexican Army assassins could continue to terrorize the citizenry of the failed state and disappear the occasional American tourist.
The year began with the Arizona shooting that turned US Representative Gabby Giffords into a living martyr, and the rest of the nation into a gang of loudmouthed assholes. Throughout the year the citizenry continued the tradition of killing one another, often in new and surprising ways.
President Obama was once again unable to deliver on his promise to make the United States a magical Care Bear land of milk & honey scented with the sweet strains of children’s choirs singing liltingly of the unifying joy of diversity, but from their bastions in college quads and Code Pink meeting-houses, the President’s dwindling cadre of true believers assured us it was Republican obstructionism. And secret racism. Republicans countered that their sole aim was to restore sanity to a beleaguered nation, and promised that only as a last resort would they burn the fucking thing to the ground.
Political penii² proved productive in promoting prick-principled puns, as well as gratuitous alliteration. The destructive power of the penis was ably demonstrated by Arnold Schwarzenegger, who showed us that even a wealthy Hollywood/Government powerhouse with an even richer (albeit skeletal) wife will fuck an ugly woman if given the opportunity. Late night talk-show hosts methodically shook every last droplet of humor from the Weiner situation, before putting away their pricks at the disgraced NY Rep.
Political mores and identities changed more than ever, particularly in institutions such as the US Military. The US Navy broadened its long and proud tradition of maritime homosexuality by allowing gays to be open about it. At the same time, former Gay Mecca San Francisco saw its fabulousness eclipsed in favor of dumps like Oakland and Cleveland. Meanwhile, in Washington State’s rural Lewis County, citizens continued their proud practice of frequent–and flagrantly public–sexual congress with barnyard animals.
As did the death of beautiful paper-doll Diana Spencer over a decade before, the wedding of Prince William to commoner Kate Middleton proved Americans are still fascinated with the royal family from which their forefathers once strove so mightily to emancipate themselves. Although America does not have a royalty per se, the Twenty-First Century has seen the rise of a new class of publicly-owned do-nothings. Paramount among these is the vile Kardashian Klan, a bloodline and marriage-based conglomerate that may just be the strongest argument yet advanced in support of the Armenian Holocaust.³ Kim Kardashian’s sham-marriage to basketball legend somebody-or-other netted the vapid perfume-tycoon more money than you’re likely to see in a thousand lifetimes.
There were a few stars whom we were relieved to see survive 2011, not least because their delightfully destructive antics provide regular low-hanging fruit for Promethean Times. Toothless cretin Charlie Sheen managed to bring his life and career to a shattering halt, suffering the additional injury of losing his place in America’s most beloved half-hour of insipidity to a genial retard. Yet through a heroic lack of self-awareness and the public’s perverse predilection for the doomed, the former Carlos Estevez is more popular than ever. The same cannot be said for Lindsay Lohan, once hailed as ‘The Flower of American Skankhood,’ who like Sheen, is one of 2012’s most likely fatalities. Despite a loving and supportive family, worldwide adoration and impeccable personal hygiene, the only audience to prove capable of tolerating LiLo’s act for any length of time were her customers at the LA County Morgue.
Sport continued to be a necessary diversion around the world, uniting and dividing people not by races or ethnicity, but by the overpriced merchandise they wore. In American sports, Jesus, sole scion of the Jehovah Dynasty, briefly tried His hand at football before quietly retiring once again to the sidelines, much to the dismay of football fans in the Mountain States. Although a strike marred the beginning of the 2011-2012 NBA season, the 2010-2011 season ended in a thrilling contest that satisfied both haters of LeBron James and fans of Schadenfreude in general. In what was nearly universally regarded as a black year for baseball, the one bright spot was the continuing absence of a World Series trophy in the Lone Star State. And in sports outside of America’s shores, a group of Japanese ladies won some soccer thing.
With all these notable events and people, both tragic and sublime, from which to choose, our editors had an unenviable task in determining Promethean Times’ Person of the Year for 2011. It was only after a thorough and at-times grueling vetting process, at several points during which the acrimony grew both increasingly bitter and ad hominem, that the worthy candidate emerged. Promethean Times is proud to name as this year’s Promethean Times’ Person of the Year and our first two-time back-to-back recipient, Promethean Times, honoring the venerable publication for its indefatigable and often thankless dedication to fighting the barbaric practice of puppy-killing.
Bravo, Promethean Times.
To The Dear Friends To Whom We Bid Farewell In 2011: May You Find Yourselves In Heaven Before The Devil Knows You’re Dead:
¹ While it’s not actually a secret that 100 US ‘advisers’ have been sent to the DRC to help combat the Lord’s Resistance Army, it might as well be for all the media talks about it. ∞T.
² ‘Penises’ is the accepted plural of ‘penis,’ but Promethean Times has always been, and will forever proudly remain, a penii-loving publication. ∞T.
³ It’s a joke, Tanzr–don’t let it curdle your yogurt soda. Yes, what happened to your great-great aunt whatsername at the hands of the Turks all those years was a tragedy, but at least we provided a link to Wikipedia. That’s a hell of a lot more than the US Government ever did. ∞T.
'self-abuse' isn't the same thing as 'cutting', 9/11, al Qaeda, Ann Coulter, beating off, choking the chicken, flogging the dolphin, goat-fuckers, internet pornography, Islam, jerking off, masturbation, Navy SEALs, onanism, Osama bin Laden, Pakistan, porn, pornography, pr0n, Ron Jeremy, self-abuse, spankin' it, spanking the monkey, sticky fingers, Terrorism, whack shack
The Navy SEALs tasked with eliminating resilient Saudi boogeyman Osama bin Laden were trained to expect just about anything. They knew, for example, that they would encounter fierce resistance from bin Laden and his lieutenants, and that the terror mastermind would not hesitate to toss away one of his countless wives like spent Kleenex if it meant adding a few more malice-drenched moments to his own tumultuous time on earth. But what the SEAL team found was something America’s intelligence industry failed to anticipate, and which took the SEALs completely by surprise: bin Laden’s impressive and more-than-slightly-used pornography collection.
This information gap does US intelligence no credit, particularly since for the better part of a year, several publications–most notably Promethean Times–have been warning of the pervasive Pakistani predilection for particularly prurient and perverse porn. As is now becoming more widely known, Pakistanis lead the rest of the world in filthy internet searches, and are rapidly gaining a reputation for harboring not only terrorists among their population, but goat-fuckers as well.
Is it any wonder then, that bin Laden–a guest in that great nation–would seek onanistic relief in such delightful naughtiness as Salaam Salami!, You Mecca Me Horny II and Riders of the Three-Humped Camel? The picture becomes clearer when one considers bin Laden’s legendary sex drive, the horny hatemonger having more wives than the desert has sand.
Because of the high security and the presence of so many people in the compound, privacy was at a minimum and as such, valued as a premium. Even placing extra locks on the doors didn’t stop careless security personnel or nosy wives from barging in on bin Laden just as he was in the process of ‘blowing the first tower.’ Ironically, in the days before he was executed by US Forces, bin Laden devised a system whereby he would leave his turban hanging over the doorknob to let people know he was ‘taking the Haj.’
American Indians, Baseball, bingo, blackjack, cockfighting, Dodger Stadium, dodo, drugs, Geronimo, hackers, Harry Reid, headlines, Iran, Jim Carrey, Los Angeles Dodgers, Native Americans, Navy SEALs, nudists, nutmeg, Osama bin Laden, passenger pigeon, pervertry, Robitussin DM, Shania Twain, Texas, untalented stars, whippets, whiskey
In which we opine on various news headlines without reading the articles.
The Costars: Jim Carrey paired with penguins ~ With each film Carrey reaches further down the evolutionary ladder in his thus-far-futile search for a less-talented co-star.
Hackers group says it will attack Iran Sunday ~ The best attacks are unannounced.
Armless Dude Throws Out Ceremonial First Pitch At Dodger Stadium ~ Figuratively, one assumes.
Police Bust Cockfighting Ring at Texas Children’s Party ~ We hope they’re talking about chickens.
Were Navy SEALs justified in shooting an unarmed Osama bin Laden? ~ Funny–the dodo and the passenger pigeon were just debating that very thing!
American Indians object to ‘Geronimo’ as code for bin Laden raid ~ Geronimo is a hero to Native Americans and an inherent part of their culture. The tribes also objected to the code names ‘Bingo,’ ‘Blackjack’ and ‘Whiskey.’
South Korean man found crucified in abandoned stone quarry; police investigating ~ Hopefully the authorities kept an eye on him for a few days–a couple millennia ago, one of these things got a little out of hand.
The University Has No Clothes ~ Sounds like the college we remember.
Harry Reid Injured by Parked Car ~ He has great health care, so why not?
Fake Bin Laden Photos Fool Some Lawmakers ~ America’s legislators, like her public, are remarkably easy to fool.
Wearing Only a Smile, Nudists Seek Out the Young and the Naked ~ And how is that different from what sexual predators do?
Man killed in tractor collision has been identified ~ To get yourself killed in a collision involving vehicles which travel slowly in straight lines and rarely meet, you’ve really got to be trying.
SHANIA TWAIN NEARLY LOST VOICE OVER DIVORCE ~ Currently she and her ex share joint custody.
Teen high on bath salts allegedly kills neighbor’s goat ~ Bath salts? Who gets high from bath salts? Get yourself some nutmeg or Robitussin-DM at your local Albertsons. While you’re there, grab a couple whippets.
For more fun with Headlines, you’ll want to check out:
Canada, cock-knockers, Dalai Lama, DMV, Donald Trump, douchebaggery, Eddie Murphy, Emilio Estevez, Glenn Beck, Kobe Bryant, Lolcats, Mission Accomplished, Nancy Grace, Osama bin Laden, Prince Harry, Ringo Starr, Snarf, US Penis size as a cause of insecurity
The non-turbanned, loosely-wound portion of the world’s population was delighted to hear that inveterate nastyman Osama bin Laden was shot down like a dog, or like anything else that gets shot, really. For some this joy manifested itself in garish displays of celebration and of nationalistic revelry. For others, this was a time for the slow shaking of heads and smug reminders that, no matter the enormity of bin Laden’s crimes, death is not something to be celebrated. But yahoos and pussies alike found common ground in their delight over the death of the cave-dwelling cock-knocker.
But now, as the warm afterglow of Mission (Finally) Accomplished begins to fade, so also does the sense of cohesion which, for one shining moment of vengeance-fueled bloodlust, brought us all together. If this dispersion remains unchecked, we risk drifting back into our petty disagreements.
However, if a new enemy can quickly be found, one in which society can invest its currently unfocused capacity for hatred, we can perhaps recapture the magic of our unified malice.
Some Suggestions For The New Public Enemy #1
Before we judge him too harshly, however, we must consider the stark scientific realities of defensive technology. For all of humanity’s advances in creating durable, synthetic compounds, we have yet to develop any substance whose defensive capabilities equal the protective power of social outrage. Human shields are still the best kind.
REVEALED! The fatal missteps which led first to the betrayal and then slaying by US forces of 9/11 mastermind and all-around-dick Osama bin Laden.
A Few Good Men, Code Red, despots, Fidel Castro, Hugo Chavez, Libya, Lindbergh Baby, Lindbergh Kidnapping, Muammar al-Gaddafi, Muammar al-Gaddafi executed, New Coke, Osama bin Laden, Osama totally did it, revolution
'Lil Kim, 2010, 2011, Abner Doubleday should sue the hell out of the guy who 'invented' cricket, Africa, American soldiers, Axis of Evil, Barack Obama, bellicose shenanigans, Bernie Madoff, BP, Bradley Manning, Bush the intellectuable, Chief Executive, comical despots, Conan O'Brien, congress, conventional wisdom, copyright infringement, corporate douchebaggery, cricket, Democratic Party, effete Mac users, Elizabeth Edwards, Face & Boobs man, feel-good policies, figurative fellatio, Franklin Pierce, Fugeeman, games foreigners play, genocide, George W. Bush, GOP, Haiti, Haitian Crisis, Haitian Earthquake, Hitler of Major League Baseball, How very original!, hucksterism, impoverished third-world hellhole, Iran, Jay Leno, John Edwards, Julian Assange, Kim Jong-il is batshit crazy, leeches, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is batshit crazy, Martha Stewart Living, Michael Lohan, MiLo, Miss You Mom, modern classics, Mood the Dude, mullets, Nanci Pelosi, nanny state, North Korea, Osama bin Laden, Osama's crazed legions, Pat Robertson, Pat Robertson is batshit crazy, People Magazine, personal magnetism, Pierce was known more for drink than for effective leadership, poor Elizabeth Edwards--she was so brave and she suffered so much, popular culture, President Bush, President Obama, Promethean Times, Promethean Times' Person of the Year, religious right, Republican Party, retcons, rumor has it that the vote for Person of the Year was fixed, San Francisco Giants, San Mateo, Sarah Palin, Smaktakula's hatred of the San Francisco Giants, special-needs children, Spiro Agnew, Sports Illustrated, step your game up, Steve Jobs, Tea Party, terrifying Campfire Girl, Texas Rangers, the canonization of St. Elizabeth, the cult-like devotion accorded to Steve Jobs by effete Mac users, the Devil, the impotence of the UN, the increasing irrelevance of TIME, the UN's maddening inaction in the face of genocide, theogeologist, Tim Lincecum, Time, TIME allows pedestrian intellects to believe they are otherwise, TIME's Person of the Year, Tony Hayward, tradition, Transformers I and II, treachery, UN, United Nations, United States of America, WikiLeaks, Wyclef Jean, yes theogeologist is another coinage but like grammaverick you've gotta admit it kicks ass
By Promethean Times
Conventional wisdom warns that TIME‘s annual Person of the Year award is so iconic as to render superfluous any imitations. However, as it has so many times before, Promethean Times eschews the expected by boldly forging a new path, in this instance by appropriating TIME‘s 80-year-old tradition.
The decision to bestow Promethean Times with this highly coveted accolade did not come easily. A great many individuals and events helped to make 2010 one of the most dynamic years on record.
There was Julian Assange of WikiLeaks, and traitorous American soldier Bradley Manning, who assisted in the appropriation of several documents. There was BP’s disgraced Tony Hayward, whose reputation in tatters, has only his fabulous wealth to console him, and Bernie Madoff, although convicted in 2009, still managed to keep his name in circulation.
US President Barack Obama rammed through feel-good policies to be billed to posterity and the people loved him for it. The press, however, seemed to recover from their embarrassing love affair with the Chief Executive, quixotically alternating hot and cold by one day proclaiming the President a lame duck, and the next heralding him as the greatest president since Franklin Pierce.
Much as a leech would, Congress eagerly clung to the President’s agenda, but lacking the President’s (or any, largely) personal magnetism, found itself the victim of what the press liked to call “an anti-incumbent agenda.” Former Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi realized too late that a sunny smile does little good when it’s the handiwork of San Mateo’s finest Face & Boobs man.
Then there was the Tea Party to consider. The completely leaderless grassroots organization, headed by terrifying Campfire Girl Sarah Palin and funded by deep-pocketed partisans, managed to drive the few remaining moderate Republicans from the GOP. This end was aided by the Republicans’ skill at figuratively fellating the Religious Right, although the Democrats made a game and creditable attempt at it.
Pretty-like-the-prom-queen huckster John Edwards imploded earlier this year, terrifyingly reminding people ignorant of Spiro Agnew that America came “this close” to electing a scumbag as vice-president. Edwards’ estranged wife Elizabeth, long regarded as a dismissive, cold-hearted bitch, received secular canonization upon her recent death, and has been retconned into a nurturing, saintly person. She got cheated on and she died? Tsk. You will be missed, Elizabeth.
Former President George Bush was also considered for Person of the Year due to his lasting influence on the country, and on the Democratic Party in particular. Until the weeks preceding the November elections, Democrats were so enamored of the former Republican Chief Executive that the words ‘George W. Bush’ comprised 25-35% of the typical Democratic fundraising speech.
Fugeeman responded to the Haitian earthquake with the aplomb and statesmanship one would expect from a Caribbean head of state; he announced a presidential bid which then unceremoniously petered out. We also gave some thought to the Devil, who many experts, including noted theogeologist Pat Robertson, believe to be the ultimate author of the devastating Haitian Quake. The UN deserved some consideration as well, despite that the global organization’s response to the Haitian Crisis was characteristically bungled and that it continues to counter both African genocide and rogue nuclear states with the twin forces of hand-wringing coupled with laughably empty threats.
We considered several despots, including the scrappy madman Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran, who holds in equal contempt mullets and the Jews, and the comically diminutive Kim Jong-il, North Korea’s dying tyrant, who continues to terrify an impotent international community with his bellicose shenanigans, and who elevated his special-needs son to the #2 spot in the impoverished third-world hellhole. And although he had a comparatively mellow 2010, ‘Lil Kim and Mood the Dude’s Axis of Evil amigo, Osama bin Laden, quietly exerted his pernicious influence on his legions of crazed followers.
Pop culture had its share of earth-shakers. It was hard to overlook Josh Duhamel, whose masterful performance in the universally-beloved modern classic Transformers I and II shattered expectations about what movie-goers could expect from an infantile two-hour commercial. At the same time an inane late-night war between TV icons Jay Leno and Conan O’Brien diverted the attentions of a grateful nation in the same way as does a bright piece of string or a shiny object. And somewhere, Steve Jobs did something that made effete Mac users cream their shorts.
In sporting news, the San Francisco Giants, called the ‘Hitler of Major League Baseball’ by at least one satiric internet source, won the World Series over the nearly-as-odious Texas Rangers. Also, there was some scandal in cricket–it’s a game copied from baseball, apparently–that stoked the ire of millions across the globe, but was otherwise unimportant.
Taking all these people and events into account, we worked tirelessly to determine the single most transformational factor in 2010. In the end, we were unanimous on our selection of Promethean Times as Promethean Times‘ Person of the Year, citing Promethean Times‘ ongoing benefit to the global community as well as its consistent awesomeness. Promethean Times is “extremely surprised, but pleased” by the announcement.
And for Promethean Times‘ Douchebag of the Year: Michael “MiLo” Lohan. What the hell, right?