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Tag Archives: Prince Harry

Headlines: The Real Secret Of Our Success

04 Tuesday Sep 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, News, Politics

≈ 25 Comments

Tags

Adolf Hitler, American Airlines, Anaheim Angels, Barack Obama, Boston Red Sox, breastuses, childish sexual innuendo, Detroit, dope, grass, headlines, hemp, HURRR!, Kanye West, Katie Holmes, Kim Kardashian, Latinos, marijuana, Mitt Romney, muslims, pot, Prince Harry, prostitution, Rally Monkey, reefer, Serena Williams, Sikhs, sweet sweet cheeba, Tom Cruise, Venus Williams, weed

By Smaktakula

He’ll Go Halfsies With You On Gas. But For Your Own Sanity, Avoid The Topic Of Non-Aryan Drivers.

In which we comment on the headlines without first reading the articles.

***

The Task in Tampa: Reintroducing Romney ~ Hey–we know social situations can sometimes be awkward. Just put your brave face on, go out there and say, “Hi there folks–I think you remember me, I’m Mitt Romney.” That’s all there is to it.

MMA Fighter Found Naked in Church ~ Witnesses wisely observed from a safe distance until the man wandered off on his own.

TV’s Top 5 Racist Shows ~ #3 is ’60 Minutes.’ Who knew?

Did Your Ancestor Date a Neanderthal? ~ It depends on who you ask. Throgga says that yes, they were boyfriend/girlfriend, but according to Grandpa, they were simply buddies “with an understanding.”

Introducing the Los Angeles Red Sox ~ Why not? LA already has no shortage of crimson-capped carpetbaggers.

Just The Sight Of The Fucking Rally Monkey Sends A Sexual Thrill Through The Collective Heart Of Assface Nation.

Opinion: Is America Ready for a Rich White Man As President? ~Isn’t it time that the elites had a say in how this country is run?

Go-cart chase ends in man’s arrest ~ Tonight, on your local FOX station: World’s Least-Dignified Police Chases.

‘Too High to Fail’ ~ It’s this notion that gives Smaktakula the confidence to get through his day.

Prostitutes add to mayor’s woes ~ Whoops! Typo. Instead of ‘woes’ that should say ‘hos.’ Make more sense now?

Giving teen moms the tools to change their lives ~ Since time-travel has yet to be perfected, here’s a coat-hanger.

What’s So Bad About a Boy Who Wants to Wear a Dress? ~ It’s just that somebody has to tell him he’ll never be able to wear a pencil skirt with an ass like that.

If This Is Comedy, Does That Mean It’s Okay To Laugh At Cross-Dressers? Jeez–Sorry, We Were Just Asking.

‘Honey Boo Boo’: That Joke Isn’t Funny Anymore ~ It’s black humor, though. It’s funny as hell, just not “ha ha” funny, y’know?

Old dude runs down bicyclist ~ Or, ‘Tuesday Afternoon in Coral Gables.”

Man locks self in airplane cockpit ~ Turns out he’s the pilot. Sorry for wasting your time like that.

Why are Sikhs targeted by anti-Muslim extremists? ~ They’re targeted by anti-Sikh extremists. What? So all psychotic extremists look alike to you, is that it? Listen, just because a dude has a monster truck, a Confederate Flag tattoo and a smile that’s more Skoal than tooth-enamel doesn’t mean he’s an anti-Muslim extremist. He could be an antisemitic extremist or one of the myriad genocidal fringe-dwellers that comprise this rich and storied culture. The point is, you just don’t know.

If Obama Really Wants To Reduce Troop Suicides, There’s A Better Option ~ Extricate ourselves from soul-crushing foreign wars. What, too easy?

Is Kanye West Controlling Kim Kardashian? ~ No doubt he is. But someone has to so that the poor girl isn’t left with her mouth hanging open, pissing all over the rug.

“HURRRRRRR!”

American Airlines gives more than 200 flight attendants jobs back 11 years later ~ They call ’em the ‘Air Hags’ now.

Ricardo Rodriguez, WWE Star, Gets Speeding Ticket –And did you hear? Luis Mendoza of the Kansas City Royals got his teeth cleaned!

Univision Chief Protests Lack Of Latino Voices ~ We’re pretty certain he didn’t make this statement while riding public transportation anywhere in Southern California.

“I Wish My Mother Had Aborted Me” ~ In this, you are not alone.

Romney tells supporters how dad got free McDonald’s for life ~ By claiming to find a rat’s leg in his Chicken McNuggets.

Breaking: Venus and Serena Williams are in really good shape ~ Will their example help tennis finally shed its image as a sport for great big fatsos?

Fatty Here Has More Chins Than The Shanghai White Pages.

Katie Holmes Is Getting Very Little From Tom Cruise ~ Which is why she divorced him.

Prince Harry in naked photo scandal ~ So do we go with a “Staff of Nobility” joke or the more pedestrian “Crown Jewels?” Ha! Neither. Sadly, the public is now aware of the terrible price that royal inbreeding has exacted from Harry; he has a club penis.

Detroit man excels at beating carnival games ~ And since he possesses the most useful, non-criminal skill in all the Motor City, we made him the mayor!

What We’ve Come to: About Half of Retired People in the U.S. Die with Less Than $10,000 in Financial Assets ~ Because it apparently matters how much money you have when you’re dead.

Men, Who Needs Them? ~ Do you think you could survive in a world of unopened jars?

What Will You Use These For After The Kids Are Weaned?

Prince William: Who Will Be His Camilla Parker-Bowles?

31 Thursday May 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, News

≈ 7 Comments

Tags

'Lil 'Lil Kim, Andrew Parker-Bowles, Britain's Royal Family, Camilla Parker Bowles, Charles Barkley, childish sexual innuendo, Diana Spencer, Duchess of Cornwall, England, fanny means something altogether different to the British, forbidden love, Great Britain, impoverished third-world hellhole, Kate Middleton, Kim Jong-un, Lady Di, Monica Lewinsky, North Korea, Prince Charles, Prince Harry, Prince William, Queen Elizabeth II, Queen Victoria, Royal weddings, Royals, Sir Charles, United Kingdom, we're not making the Tampax thing up--he said it

This piece originally ran on 11.19.10
By Smaktakula

Our Best To The Happy Couple! And Kate–Wear A Seatbelt, Honey.

The hearts of aging Anglophiles and reclusive shut-ins worldwide are aglow with the happy news of Prince William’s engagement to his long-time girlfriend, the lovely Kate Middleton. Kate and William, the future king of England and “good son” of Prince Charles and Diana Spencer, plan to marry sometime in 2011.

As the excitement surrounding the announcement fades in the coming weeks, the public’s attention will turn increasingly toward the next phase in this royal relationship. Soon, millions will be asking: Who will be William’s Camilla Parker-Bowles?

Camilla Parker-Bowles Is The One In The Dumpy Sweater.

Today the frumpy, horse-faced wife of the no-less plain Prince Charles is known as Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall. However, fans of late 20th Century history will remember Parker-Bowles as the frumpy, horse-faced wife of Andrew Parker-Bowles and semi-secret lover of Prince Charles. The pair married in 2005, culminating a longtime affair so passionate that in an “Eww” moment for the ages, Charles revealed his desire to be Parker-Bowles’ “Tampax.” He was joking, if it makes any difference.

The Prince Isn’t Funny: “So Then I Said To Camilla, ‘Well Then Call Me Maxi, Because I Want To Crash At Your Pad.'”

“When we ask ‘Who will be William’s Camilla?’ we’re not asking the right question,” says Tory MP Robert Howell of Pecos-upon-Orange, “The Prince is quite an accomplished young man, who fortunately has his mother’s looks. There’s no reason to suggest he couldn’t do much better with the ladies than his father. Comparisons to Parker-Bowles only serve to diminish public expectations for what William could potentially achieve, and in this we do the young Royal a great disservice.”

Adds Howell, “Frankly, it’s time we as Britons placed a higher standard upon our princes in terms of their sexual conquests. I quite think Harry’s got the idea.”

Fears That Parker-Bowles Would Emasculate The Prince Proved Unfounded.

But others aren’t so sure.  “Aye, t’ young prince ul pick a dowdy lass for sure,” says Eamonn Harker, a York shepherd, “It’s tradition, ennit?” Historian Nigel Ennis-Butterwort agrees. “Traditionally, English Royals pick attractive spouses. This is thought to be a reaction to a succession of homely Queens, such as Victoria or Elizabeth II.”

“We Are Not At All Attractive. No, Not Even A Little. It Is Most Regrettable.”

“However,” says Ennis-Butterwort, “It is in the selection of a paramour that we see the ghost of Oedipus. You’ve heard that men marry their mothers? In the case of British Royals, this is absolutely not true–they reject homely women as marriage partners–but take them as lovers.”

It’s Not That Pretty Women Don’t Appeal To The Prince.

This arrangement seems to satisfy the British commoner. “Oo wants uh queen what’s uh worn-out slag?” asks bookmaker Harry Hollis, “Nowt, at’s oo.”

“Listen, Knucklehead, I Told You I Don’t Know Prince, And That ‘Sir Charles’ Is Just An Honorific. Now For The Last Time, That Is Not My Damn Horse!”

Close observers of the Royal Family are already hard at work attempting to predict Prince William’s choice of butterfaced bed-buddy. It will be some time before there is even the slightest agreement as to the type of dog William is likely to bag, let alone consensus on a name.

Fortunately, readers of Promethean Times won’t have to wait to find out. Using our state-of-the-art prognosticative software, we’ve determined Prince William’s likely future lover. Readers will remember that Promethean Times has on one more than one occasion scooped the major media outlets by being the first to correctly identify leaders’ potential lovers, including Monica Lewinsky (Look for a plump girl of Eastern European extraction; possibly with a predilection for French headwear) and Camilla Parker-Bowles herself (Charles will most likely seek comfort in the embrace of some variety of barnyard animal).

Prince Harry On Kate: “Right. ‘Pon My Oath, I’ll Tap That Fanny ‘Ere The Passing Of A Fortnight.”

By our analysis, the Prince’s paramour will be a study of contradictions:

  • Physically unattractive, but exotic.
  • Well-educated, but somewhat backward.
  • Personally wealthy, but from a poor culture.
  • Socially inept, but commanding great power.

You heard it here first.  Prince William will make Kate Middleton the Queen of England, but not the queen of his heart. Somewhere across the whole of the Eurasian landmass William’s soulmate awaits, the Prince’s love bringing a small, brave light to the corrupted heart of a doomed land.

“Me Ruv You Rong T-T-Time.”

After Osama

06 Friday May 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, News

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

Canada, cock-knockers, Dalai Lama, DMV, Donald Trump, douchebaggery, Eddie Murphy, Emilio Estevez, Glenn Beck, Kobe Bryant, Lolcats, Mission Accomplished, Nancy Grace, Osama bin Laden, Prince Harry, Ringo Starr, Snarf, US Penis size as a cause of insecurity

By Smaktakula

Bet You Never Thought You'd Miss This Guy.

The non-turbanned, loosely-wound portion of the world’s population was delighted to hear that inveterate nastyman Osama bin Laden was shot down like a dog, or like anything else that gets shot, really.  For some this joy manifested itself in garish displays of celebration and of nationalistic revelry.  For others, this was a time for the slow shaking of heads and smug reminders that, no matter the enormity of bin Laden’s crimes, death is not something to be celebrated.  But yahoos and pussies alike found common ground in their delight over the death of the cave-dwelling cock-knocker.

Now More Than Ever, A Desperate World Cries Out For An Epic Douchebag.

But now, as the warm afterglow of Mission (Finally) Accomplished begins to fade, so also does the sense of cohesion which, for one shining moment of vengeance-fueled bloodlust, brought us all together.  If this dispersion remains unchecked, we risk drifting back into our petty disagreements.

However, if a new enemy can quickly be found, one in which society can invest its currently unfocused capacity for hatred, we can perhaps recapture the magic of our unified malice.

Some Suggestions For The New Public Enemy #1

With The Intellectual Capacity Of A Houseplant, Nancy Grace Gives False Hope To The Very Stupid.

Kobe Bryant: You Know Why.

The Cranky, Slow And Incompetent Lady At The DMV.

As Is So Often His Lot In Life, Ringo Wasn't Our First Choice For This List, But He'll Have To Do.

Emilio Estevez: No One Will Be Expecting The 'Good' Sheen.

We've Been Gunning For Him Since The 'Chipotle' Commercial.

The Chinese Government Will Back Us On This One.

Americans And Western Europeans Will Have No Problems Resenting Canadians For Their Larger Penises.

Hasn't Made A Good Movie Since The First Bush Presidency, Unless You Count 'Pluto Nash.' Which We Do.

Too Easy.

Lolcats: Ruining Our Grammar Through Their Insidious Adorableness.

Prince Harry: Likes To Dress Up As A Nazi.

"SNARF!"

Historical Figures With Unfortunate Nicknames: ‘Black Dick’ Howe

23 Thursday Sep 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, History

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

1st Earl Howe, Admiral Richard Howe, American Revolution, Black Dick, crotch rot, Great Britain, Lord Howe, Prince Harry, Prince William, Royal Navy, Rum Buggery & The Lash, STDs, Tunisian Tart, unfortunate nicknames, United Kingdom, venereal disease, War for American Independence, War with the Colonies

By Smaktakula

Admiral Richard Howe, the 1st Earl Howe (1726-1799), led a distinguished and remarkable life. Taking to the sea at an early age, Howe fought for Great Britain in many Eighteenth Century conflicts, including the War for American Independence.  Today, Lord Howe’s name is immortalized in ships and towns throughout the remaining rump of the British Empire.  Prince William, England’s future king, and his loutish brother Harry number among Howe’s descendants.

Despite so much good luck and historical recognition (Britain’s near-success against the rebellious colonies notwithstanding), Howe will forever be burdened by the odious sobriquet: Black Dick.

Beyond The Black: In Later Years Lord Howe Had To Hold The Damned Thing In Place If He Didn't Want To Make A Scene.

Are you kids sure you want to hear the story of how Grandpa got his nickname again?  You’ve heard this a million times.
Oh, all right, then.
Once, when your grandpa was a wee lad, not much older than yourselves, he met a tart from Tunisia . . .

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