• Get To Know Promethean Times!
  • Magnificent Bastards
  • Douchebags Emeritus

Promethean Times

~ A Collection of Oddities Calculated to Amuse, Enlighten and Horrify.

Promethean Times

Tag Archives: pregnancy

Headlines: Eat Like A Bird

04 Tuesday Jun 2013

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, Entertainment, Headlines, News, Politics, Science, Stupidity

≈ 31 Comments

Tags

Alzheimer's, Amanda Bynes, Barack Obama, bullies, C-section, cannabis, capital punishment, dope, duck, fun with stereotypes, grass, headlines, hemp, Honey Boo Boo, ignorance--it's what we do, Islam, Japan, Jimmy Carter, Jimmy Carter attacked by rabbit, Jimmy Carter fails to bring the hostages home, Jimmy Carter gives away the Panama Canal, Jimmy Carter kills a hooker, Koreans, Latinos, LeBron James, Los Angeles, mairjuana, master-monkey, nerds, Nigeria, places that suck, pot, pregnancy, reality television, reefer, Rihanna, Sri Lanka, Sufism, sweet sweet cheeba, tallywhacker snatchers, third-world hellhole, United Kingdom, United States of America, weed

By Smaktakula

No, We’re Not Going To Use This As A Cheap Opportunity To Poke Fun At Nigeria. People Have To Live In That Lightless Hellhole, You Know.

In which we comment on the day’s headlines without bothering to first read the stories.

***

What does it really feel like to fall out of a building? ~ It hurts real bad.

How ACL Injuries Are Detected on the Field  ~Healthcare providers first look for an athlete lying on the field in a fetal position, cradling his or her knee and screaming.

What Birds Teach Us About Babies ~ That babies love nothing better than having hot food puked directly into their waiting little mouths.

8 things to know about L.A.’s Koreatown ~ The two most important ones are to leave your dog at home and to make sure your auto policy includes collision coverage.

Help! My Cousin Won’t Tell Her Boyfriend She Used To Be a Man. ~ Which is why we make it a point to ask our dates for childhood photos as well as for bus fare home.

Man Accused of Raping Duck — Yes, Man Accused of Raping Duck ~ There’s no need to write that twice. We could have just reread the line if we were into that kind of thing.

After What They’ve Been Doing To Our Women For Years, We Say It’s About Time The Ducks Got A Taste Of Their Own Medicine.

Woman is Set On Fire During a C-section ~ Well if you think a C-section is painful, you should try giving birth vaginally.

It’s Official: She’s Pregnant! ~“And I’m officially joining the Peace Corps and flying off to Borneo, perhaps never to return. Isn’t that just the wildest coincidence ever?”

I’m Not Pregnant, I’m Just Fat ~ Well, in a very real way you’ve been knocked-up by Yoo-Hoo and jelly doughnuts.

Incredibly Humanlike New Species of Blond Monkey Discovered in Congo ~ So you’re saying this blond monkey is somehow superior to all his monkey brethren and it is incumbent upon him to someday rule them all with an iron monkey fist? Heavy.

Bad news: Jimmy Carter comes out against marijuana legalization ~ You were a shitty president, Jimmy–a shitty, shitty president.

Spelling Bee Champ Ponders Next Move ~ Avoiding the bully who’s waiting to kick his little ass the moment he steps down from the podium.

Look, You Can’t Deny It. This Kid Is Just BEGGING To Have His Ears Boxed And Maybe Get Stuffed Into His Own Locker. “Where’s Your Theory Of Relatives Now, Eisenstein?”

Why Poor People Are Still Dying for Our T-Shirts ~ ‘Cause our T-Shirts are hella cool!

Woman convicted of torture, mayhem for severing husband’s penis ~We are opponents of capital punishment, believing it to be unnecessary and cruel, and that moreover it has proven ineffective in deterring crime. However, in this instance we feel wholly justified in gleefully wishing death upon this malicious tallywhacker snatcher.

Piercing a Baby’s Ear: The Latino Dilemma ~ It’s not ‘Whether to learn Inglés?’

The man who split Obama’s lip speaks ~ “They’ll tell you that the worst thing about Guantanamo Bay is the food, but really, it’s the heat.”

Time Magazine Will Not Tell You How to Cure Cancer ~ Then Time Magazine can go fuck itself.

Honey Boo Boo’s Parents Not Legally Married ~ How unfortunate. Hopefully this revelation won’t turn the young girl’s life into some kind of degrading spectacle.

But For Her Sake, Promise Us That You’ll Continue To Comport Yourself With Dignity And Class.

Sucking Your Child’s Pacifier Clean May Have Benefits ~ Ha! No, not really. We just wanted to see if you’d try it. Where’s your dignity?

Can Sufism defuse radical Islam? ~ Sufis don’t make a habit of blowing shit up, so probably not.

How Much Do You Know About Alzheimer’s Disease? ~ “I’ve forgotten more about Alzheimer’s than you’ll ever know!”

For a Nation of Whiners, Therapists Try Tough Love ~ The results? Whining.

10 of the Worst Prisons in the World—Only 5 Are American ~ Damn. We would have thought at least seven or eight would be domestic products. It’s true: the American Century has at last come to an end.

Up Close with the Clitoris ~ “Up close” isn’t really the best way to see it.

Did Amanda Bynes Attack Rihanna On Twitter? ~ Twitter is a text-based platform that only allows a user to post words and images. So no, she didn’t, and just asking makes you a pussy.

So Do You See The Difference Between Your Feelings And Your Face Now? You Can Bet Your Ass Rihanna Does.

10 Ways Japan Can Add 8.2 Million Women to the Work Force ~ # 6: Kill 8.2 million dudes.

Princess Kate undergoes hypnotherapy to treat food aversion ~ In the United Kingdom a food aversion is also called “common sense.”

Best Birth Control for Older Women ~ Being an older woman.

How to Beat LeBron James ~ We recommend using no fewer than two lead pipes and maybe a bicycle chain.

Sri Lankan inmate stashes phone in rectum ~ It sounds painful, we know. But don’t worry–it wasn’t HIS rectum.

What women don’t want: ‘Run boobies, run!’ ~ Guys don’t want that either! We want those suckers right where we can see ’em.

We’ve Got Your Back. Figuratively Speaking.

***

Abortion: Heroes & Villains

02 Monday Jan 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, News, Politics

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

a hero to some, abortion, double standards, hypocrisy, pregnancy, Pro-Choice, Pro-Life, self-righteousness, selfishness, separate but equal, sexual politics

By Smaktakula

Look, EVERYBODY Can't Have A Choice, Right?

Suzie got pregnant.  Her boyfriend was thrilled and wanted to be a father, but the dreams Suzie had for herself didn’t include a child.  Against the wishes of her boyfriend, she bravely terminated the pregnancy.  Suzie is an independent woman making choices for herself.

Because You Can't Let One Little Mistake Ruin Your Life.

Rob got his girlfriend pregnant.  She wanted a baby and was ready to start a family, but the plans Rob had made for his future didn’t allow for the expense of raising a child.  He didn’t want it, and demanded that his girlfriend terminate the pregnancy.  She bravely refused, and took that selfish deadbeat to court.  Rob is an asshole who’s only looking out for himself.

Well, Hopefully You Won't Make That Mistake Again. In The Meantime, You Have Eighteen Years To Think About What You've Done.

Choice is fundamental to our liberty.  She decides whether to keep the child, and he decides whether to pay child support or go to jail for six months at a time.  So in a way, everybody wins! ∞T.

One-Legged Hag Refuses To Let Senility Destroy Her Dreams Of Second-Time Motherhood

19 Tuesday Apr 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Cinema, News, Stupidity

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

adult adoption, California politics, creepy, famous for nothing, famous Hungarians, Frédèric Prinz von Anhalt, gold digger, hot long ago, in-vitro fertilization, Kaiser Wilhelm II, old people, perverted science, pregnancy, sperm donor, that trick never works, untalented stars, Zsa Zsa Gabor

By Smaktakula

For Reals: Zsa Zsa Was Hot Long Ago.

Creepy gold-digger Frédèric Prinz von Anhalt announced recently that his wife, superannuated entertainment oddity Zsa Zsa Gabor, would like to have another child at 94.  Anhalt has reportedly spent $100,000 for the procedure.

Gabor, most famous for slapping a police officer, was a forerunner of today’s reality stars, who traded on her image rather than talents or actual accomplishments.  Although her list of film credits is relatively meager, the Hungarian harridan has tenaciously managed to keep herself in the tabloids.

Prince Frederic von Anhalt with his wife Zsa Zsa Gabor, who has suffered major health problems in the last year, including hip replacement surgery and a leg amputation.

"Better Get That Camera Out Of Here. Me And The Missus May Start On That Baby Right Now, If You Know What I Mean."

Those who are dubious about Gabor’s supposed quest for 2nd-time motherhood have derided the couple’s plan as an obscene affront against nature.  The crone has had difficulty walking since a 2002 car accident, and recently had her gangrenous right leg removed.  Anhalt explains that while Gabor’s desiccated body would be used as a host for the pregnancy, the couple would be soliciting the help of a donor, and would not be relying on the ancient actresses’ rotten eggs.

Anhalt, who gained his title after being adopted as an adult by the last surviving relative of Kaiser Wilhelm II, briefly considered a run for Governor of California before withdrawing to care for Gabor.  Anhalt has on more than one occasion returned the favor by adopting an adult male.  Now, however, the wily Kraut plans to employ perverted science to create biological children, proudly announcing that he’d already donated sperm to the cause.

The Personal Style Of A Prince: Start With A Dollop Of Prussian Officer And Liberal Amounts Of Sgt. Pepper, With Just A Dash Of Captain EO.

LIKE Promethean Times on Facebook!

LIKE Promethean Times on Facebook!

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

The Best Of Times

  • People Actually Believe That? Ramtha And The Lizard-Beasts Of Mt. Rainier
  • Incest: On The Other Hand...
  • Historical Figures With Unfortunate Nicknames: 'Black Dick' Howe
  • Snowboarder's Empire Could Go Up In Smoke
  • My Friend Joey Park, Part III
  • A Funny Story About Clowns
  • Belgians: The World's Most Evil People

Dumb Stuff We Say On Twitter:

Tweets by prometheantimes

Recent Times

  • Teachable Moments
  • The Garden-Destroying Cross-Lot Food Fight
  • My Beef With That One Guy From ‘Fast Times At Ridgemont High’
  • Shelly The Parasitic Yoko of Pervert Alley
  • Welcome To Pervert Alley
  • A Profoundly Philosophical Question
  • My Friend Joey Park, Part III
  • My Friend Joey Park, Part II
  • My Friend Joey Park, Part I
  • Headlines: In Which No Puppies Were Harmed Or Abducted
  • Profiles in Loutishness
  • Bet Your Bottom Dollar That Tomorrow
  • Mea Culpa: 55 Cent
  • Goat Mayo
  • Headlines: More News We Don’t Understand
  • The Aging Gunslinger
  • Hungarian Fone Kard
  • Fresh Socks For Homeless Walter
  • I’m An Ass, And I’m Sorry
  • Headlines: I Was A Caveman’s Love-Puppet
  • Untruth & Consequences: Debriefing
  • To All The Girls I’ve Loved Before
  • My Missing Medal
  • Promethean Times Questions Existence Of Sri Lanka
  • Headlines: Shaking And Stirred

WORD.

Adolf Hitler Afghanistan Africa anti-semitism bad parents Barack Obama Baseball bigotry Bill Clinton California Canada cannabis Celebrity Death Watch childish sexual innuendo China cocaine comical despots dope douchebaggery drugs famous for nothing fat people foolish choices fun with stereotypes gay people Germany gold digger grass headlines helpful hints hemp homosexuality hypocrisy impoverished third-world hellhole Iran Islam jackassery Japan Kim Jong-il LiLo Lindsay Lohan Los Angeles Dodgers marijuana Mexico Muammar al-Gaddafi mullets muslims North Korea outright lies places that suck pot racism reefer religious intolerance skankery skanks Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French Smaktakula's distrust of short people Smaktakula's hypocrisy can sometimes be astounding stupid people sweet sweet cheeba Tardsie's True-Ass Tales that trick never works the French this day in history treachery true meanings of holidays United Kingdom United States of America untalented stars weed Where Are They Now? Why am I so fat? Why am I so stupid? you got a real purty mouth

Promethean History

June 2023
M T W T F S S
 1234
567891011
12131415161718
19202122232425
2627282930  
« Oct    

Search The Prometheosphere

Recent Comments

Vivek Golikeri on Alexandra Wallace: Ching-Chong…
Tim on People Actually Believe That?…
Anonymous on Commercials We Do Not Like: Me…
Dudley on Diff’rent Strokes Curse…
Anonymous on Commercials We Do Not Like: Me…
Smaktakula on Putting The Italian Army To Go…
David on Putting The Italian Army To Go…
Rackuzius on Brilliant, Dirty Weirdo Said T…
Smaktakula on Teachable Moments
Yoshihiko Motaro on Teachable Moments
Anonymous on Words Never To Use: N****…
Alex C on Putting The Italian Army To Go…
Usman Makhdoom on Alexandra Wallace: Ching-Chong…
Lary James on Untruth & Consequences: Do…
Jay on Teachable Moments

Tardsie D. Bagg

Smaktakula

Networked Blogs

NetworkedBlogs
Blog:
Promethean Times
Topics:
Satire, Irreverence, Snarkery
 
Follow my blog

Blog at WordPress.com.

  • Follow Following
    • Promethean Times
    • Join 459 other followers
    • Already have a WordPress.com account? Log in now.
    • Promethean Times
    • Customize
    • Follow Following
    • Sign up
    • Log in
    • Report this content
    • View site in Reader
    • Manage subscriptions
    • Collapse this bar