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Tag Archives: Latinos

Headlines: Eat Like A Bird

04 Tuesday Jun 2013

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, Entertainment, Headlines, News, Politics, Science, Stupidity

≈ 31 Comments

Tags

Alzheimer's, Amanda Bynes, Barack Obama, bullies, C-section, cannabis, capital punishment, dope, duck, fun with stereotypes, grass, headlines, hemp, Honey Boo Boo, ignorance--it's what we do, Islam, Japan, Jimmy Carter, Jimmy Carter attacked by rabbit, Jimmy Carter fails to bring the hostages home, Jimmy Carter gives away the Panama Canal, Jimmy Carter kills a hooker, Koreans, Latinos, LeBron James, Los Angeles, mairjuana, master-monkey, nerds, Nigeria, places that suck, pot, pregnancy, reality television, reefer, Rihanna, Sri Lanka, Sufism, sweet sweet cheeba, tallywhacker snatchers, third-world hellhole, United Kingdom, United States of America, weed

By Smaktakula

No, We’re Not Going To Use This As A Cheap Opportunity To Poke Fun At Nigeria. People Have To Live In That Lightless Hellhole, You Know.

In which we comment on the day’s headlines without bothering to first read the stories.

***

What does it really feel like to fall out of a building? ~ It hurts real bad.

How ACL Injuries Are Detected on the Field  ~Healthcare providers first look for an athlete lying on the field in a fetal position, cradling his or her knee and screaming.

What Birds Teach Us About Babies ~ That babies love nothing better than having hot food puked directly into their waiting little mouths.

8 things to know about L.A.’s Koreatown ~ The two most important ones are to leave your dog at home and to make sure your auto policy includes collision coverage.

Help! My Cousin Won’t Tell Her Boyfriend She Used To Be a Man. ~ Which is why we make it a point to ask our dates for childhood photos as well as for bus fare home.

Man Accused of Raping Duck — Yes, Man Accused of Raping Duck ~ There’s no need to write that twice. We could have just reread the line if we were into that kind of thing.

After What They’ve Been Doing To Our Women For Years, We Say It’s About Time The Ducks Got A Taste Of Their Own Medicine.

Woman is Set On Fire During a C-section ~ Well if you think a C-section is painful, you should try giving birth vaginally.

It’s Official: She’s Pregnant! ~“And I’m officially joining the Peace Corps and flying off to Borneo, perhaps never to return. Isn’t that just the wildest coincidence ever?”

I’m Not Pregnant, I’m Just Fat ~ Well, in a very real way you’ve been knocked-up by Yoo-Hoo and jelly doughnuts.

Incredibly Humanlike New Species of Blond Monkey Discovered in Congo ~ So you’re saying this blond monkey is somehow superior to all his monkey brethren and it is incumbent upon him to someday rule them all with an iron monkey fist? Heavy.

Bad news: Jimmy Carter comes out against marijuana legalization ~ You were a shitty president, Jimmy–a shitty, shitty president.

Spelling Bee Champ Ponders Next Move ~ Avoiding the bully who’s waiting to kick his little ass the moment he steps down from the podium.

Look, You Can’t Deny It. This Kid Is Just BEGGING To Have His Ears Boxed And Maybe Get Stuffed Into His Own Locker. “Where’s Your Theory Of Relatives Now, Eisenstein?”

Why Poor People Are Still Dying for Our T-Shirts ~ ‘Cause our T-Shirts are hella cool!

Woman convicted of torture, mayhem for severing husband’s penis ~We are opponents of capital punishment, believing it to be unnecessary and cruel, and that moreover it has proven ineffective in deterring crime. However, in this instance we feel wholly justified in gleefully wishing death upon this malicious tallywhacker snatcher.

Piercing a Baby’s Ear: The Latino Dilemma ~ It’s not ‘Whether to learn Inglés?’

The man who split Obama’s lip speaks ~ “They’ll tell you that the worst thing about Guantanamo Bay is the food, but really, it’s the heat.”

Time Magazine Will Not Tell You How to Cure Cancer ~ Then Time Magazine can go fuck itself.

Honey Boo Boo’s Parents Not Legally Married ~ How unfortunate. Hopefully this revelation won’t turn the young girl’s life into some kind of degrading spectacle.

But For Her Sake, Promise Us That You’ll Continue To Comport Yourself With Dignity And Class.

Sucking Your Child’s Pacifier Clean May Have Benefits ~ Ha! No, not really. We just wanted to see if you’d try it. Where’s your dignity?

Can Sufism defuse radical Islam? ~ Sufis don’t make a habit of blowing shit up, so probably not.

How Much Do You Know About Alzheimer’s Disease? ~ “I’ve forgotten more about Alzheimer’s than you’ll ever know!”

For a Nation of Whiners, Therapists Try Tough Love ~ The results? Whining.

10 of the Worst Prisons in the World—Only 5 Are American ~ Damn. We would have thought at least seven or eight would be domestic products. It’s true: the American Century has at last come to an end.

Up Close with the Clitoris ~ “Up close” isn’t really the best way to see it.

Did Amanda Bynes Attack Rihanna On Twitter? ~ Twitter is a text-based platform that only allows a user to post words and images. So no, she didn’t, and just asking makes you a pussy.

So Do You See The Difference Between Your Feelings And Your Face Now? You Can Bet Your Ass Rihanna Does.

10 Ways Japan Can Add 8.2 Million Women to the Work Force ~ # 6: Kill 8.2 million dudes.

Princess Kate undergoes hypnotherapy to treat food aversion ~ In the United Kingdom a food aversion is also called “common sense.”

Best Birth Control for Older Women ~ Being an older woman.

How to Beat LeBron James ~ We recommend using no fewer than two lead pipes and maybe a bicycle chain.

Sri Lankan inmate stashes phone in rectum ~ It sounds painful, we know. But don’t worry–it wasn’t HIS rectum.

What women don’t want: ‘Run boobies, run!’ ~ Guys don’t want that either! We want those suckers right where we can see ’em.

We’ve Got Your Back. Figuratively Speaking.

***

Headlines: The Real Secret Of Our Success

04 Tuesday Sep 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, News, Politics

≈ 25 Comments

Tags

Adolf Hitler, American Airlines, Anaheim Angels, Barack Obama, Boston Red Sox, breastuses, childish sexual innuendo, Detroit, dope, grass, headlines, hemp, HURRR!, Kanye West, Katie Holmes, Kim Kardashian, Latinos, marijuana, Mitt Romney, muslims, pot, Prince Harry, prostitution, Rally Monkey, reefer, Serena Williams, Sikhs, sweet sweet cheeba, Tom Cruise, Venus Williams, weed

By Smaktakula

He’ll Go Halfsies With You On Gas. But For Your Own Sanity, Avoid The Topic Of Non-Aryan Drivers.

In which we comment on the headlines without first reading the articles.

***

The Task in Tampa: Reintroducing Romney ~ Hey–we know social situations can sometimes be awkward. Just put your brave face on, go out there and say, “Hi there folks–I think you remember me, I’m Mitt Romney.” That’s all there is to it.

MMA Fighter Found Naked in Church ~ Witnesses wisely observed from a safe distance until the man wandered off on his own.

TV’s Top 5 Racist Shows ~ #3 is ’60 Minutes.’ Who knew?

Did Your Ancestor Date a Neanderthal? ~ It depends on who you ask. Throgga says that yes, they were boyfriend/girlfriend, but according to Grandpa, they were simply buddies “with an understanding.”

Introducing the Los Angeles Red Sox ~ Why not? LA already has no shortage of crimson-capped carpetbaggers.

Just The Sight Of The Fucking Rally Monkey Sends A Sexual Thrill Through The Collective Heart Of Assface Nation.

Opinion: Is America Ready for a Rich White Man As President? ~Isn’t it time that the elites had a say in how this country is run?

Go-cart chase ends in man’s arrest ~ Tonight, on your local FOX station: World’s Least-Dignified Police Chases.

‘Too High to Fail’ ~ It’s this notion that gives Smaktakula the confidence to get through his day.

Prostitutes add to mayor’s woes ~ Whoops! Typo. Instead of ‘woes’ that should say ‘hos.’ Make more sense now?

Giving teen moms the tools to change their lives ~ Since time-travel has yet to be perfected, here’s a coat-hanger.

What’s So Bad About a Boy Who Wants to Wear a Dress? ~ It’s just that somebody has to tell him he’ll never be able to wear a pencil skirt with an ass like that.

If This Is Comedy, Does That Mean It’s Okay To Laugh At Cross-Dressers? Jeez–Sorry, We Were Just Asking.

‘Honey Boo Boo’: That Joke Isn’t Funny Anymore ~ It’s black humor, though. It’s funny as hell, just not “ha ha” funny, y’know?

Old dude runs down bicyclist ~ Or, ‘Tuesday Afternoon in Coral Gables.”

Man locks self in airplane cockpit ~ Turns out he’s the pilot. Sorry for wasting your time like that.

Why are Sikhs targeted by anti-Muslim extremists? ~ They’re targeted by anti-Sikh extremists. What? So all psychotic extremists look alike to you, is that it? Listen, just because a dude has a monster truck, a Confederate Flag tattoo and a smile that’s more Skoal than tooth-enamel doesn’t mean he’s an anti-Muslim extremist. He could be an antisemitic extremist or one of the myriad genocidal fringe-dwellers that comprise this rich and storied culture. The point is, you just don’t know.

If Obama Really Wants To Reduce Troop Suicides, There’s A Better Option ~ Extricate ourselves from soul-crushing foreign wars. What, too easy?

Is Kanye West Controlling Kim Kardashian? ~ No doubt he is. But someone has to so that the poor girl isn’t left with her mouth hanging open, pissing all over the rug.

“HURRRRRRR!”

American Airlines gives more than 200 flight attendants jobs back 11 years later ~ They call ’em the ‘Air Hags’ now.

Ricardo Rodriguez, WWE Star, Gets Speeding Ticket –And did you hear? Luis Mendoza of the Kansas City Royals got his teeth cleaned!

Univision Chief Protests Lack Of Latino Voices ~ We’re pretty certain he didn’t make this statement while riding public transportation anywhere in Southern California.

“I Wish My Mother Had Aborted Me” ~ In this, you are not alone.

Romney tells supporters how dad got free McDonald’s for life ~ By claiming to find a rat’s leg in his Chicken McNuggets.

Breaking: Venus and Serena Williams are in really good shape ~ Will their example help tennis finally shed its image as a sport for great big fatsos?

Fatty Here Has More Chins Than The Shanghai White Pages.

Katie Holmes Is Getting Very Little From Tom Cruise ~ Which is why she divorced him.

Prince Harry in naked photo scandal ~ So do we go with a “Staff of Nobility” joke or the more pedestrian “Crown Jewels?” Ha! Neither. Sadly, the public is now aware of the terrible price that royal inbreeding has exacted from Harry; he has a club penis.

Detroit man excels at beating carnival games ~ And since he possesses the most useful, non-criminal skill in all the Motor City, we made him the mayor!

What We’ve Come to: About Half of Retired People in the U.S. Die with Less Than $10,000 in Financial Assets ~ Because it apparently matters how much money you have when you’re dead.

Men, Who Needs Them? ~ Do you think you could survive in a world of unopened jars?

What Will You Use These For After The Kids Are Weaned?

Best of Headlines Part I

30 Monday Jul 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, News, Politics, Science, Sport, Stupidity

≈ 29 Comments

Tags

American Civil War, Arkansas, childish sexual innuendo, drugs, fun with stereotypes, gay people, headlines, hookers, India, Japan, Lady Gaga, Latinos, Leonardo DiCaprio, LiLo, Lindsay Lohan, Los Angeles, nudists, perverts, Republicans, Smaktakula is aware that 'penises' is the accepted plural but if it's good enough for Steinbeck it's good enough for you, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, Somalia, STDs, the French, Uranus, US Navy, Yoko Ono, you got a real purty mouth

By Smaktakula

Howdy, folks. Headlines has always been one of our favorite Promethean Times features, and recently it seems to have picked up popularity with our readers. This wasn’t always the case. It might surprise you to know we’ve done 23 of these things over the last couple years. That’s like 575 individual headlines, give or take (we didn’t count). Most of them will deservedly be lost to history–there were a lot of duds in the early posts, but we have chosen sixty or so of our favorites from the first fifteen Headlines posts that are almost certainly new to you. Enjoy them again for the first time! ∞ T.

“No, I Said It Made Me Want To ‘Matriculate.’…What?…Well, Sure–That, Too.”

In Which We Comment On The Headlines, But Leave The Reading To People Who Like To Do That Kind Of Thing

***

Can Your Pet Read Your Mind? ~ What?  Are you a child?  No!

Japan scientist synthesizes meat from human feces ~ Known popularly as ‘The Yoko Ono Story.’

Why Do Republicans Love Pizza?  ~ The same reason everybody else loves pizza.

How the Finns stole Thanksgiving ~ On skis, just like they do everything else.

Why the 2012 Hispanic Vote Doesn’t Matter … Yet ~ Whoa! Looks likes someone’s scrubbing his own floor tonight!

Yeah, I’m Pretty Sure They Heard You. Next Time, Just S-P-E-L-L It Out, Okay?

Did Lohan crash DiCaprio’s party? ~ Look, just because I let you blow me once doesn’t mean you can come to my parties.  Twice, whatever.  Get the fuck out.

Somalis Rip Aid Donors for ‘Failing’ Famine Victims ~ If it bothers you so much, then eat your own damn food.   . . .  Oh, right.  Sit tight, folks.

Scientists plan Uranus probe ~ Heh.

Things You Didn’t Know About Your Penis ~ Please. After decades of rigorous hands-on study of our penii coupled with regular field-testing, there’s very little about our one-eyed heat-seeking moisture missiles that still remains a mystery.

Wearing Only a Smile, Nudists Seek Out the Young and the Naked ~ And how is that different from what sexual predators do?

“What Kind Of Parents Do You Think We Are? When A Hairy, Naked Stranger Asks If He Can Take Teddy To The Beach For The Weekend, You Can Bet We’ll Ask A Few Questions. He Checks Out, Though, And Told Us He’d Have Teddy Back Sometime On Monday Or Tuesday.

Shark expert surprised by great white attack on woman ~ If he’s really such an expert, he should know that they do that.

Los Angeles fire captain held in heroin sting ~ The fire captain is a boy. Boys are called “heroes.”

Housewife to pen memoir ~ This Floor Is Clean makes its hardcover debut next spring!

Sukanya Roy, 14, wins Scripps National Spelling Bee with ‘cymotrichous’ ~ If only Sukanya’s special power could somehow prevent the inevitable playground beatings.

Civil War’s dirty secret about slavery ~ Was that a secret?–Because our 8th grade history teacher just couldn’t shut up about it.

You’d Think He’d Have Been Smart Enough Not To Leave A Paper Trail.

25 members of Congress with lowest net worth ~ How much respect should we have for these mouth-breathers if they can’t even steal right?

When it’s time to run for office, fewer women stand up ~ They do the same thing when it’s time to pee.

Why French Parents Are Superior ~ Does smelling like a turd in rotten-egg sauce stuffed inside the bloated belly of a week-old corpse make you a better parent? Because if it does, we totally get it.

Live: Packers pounding Vikes on the way to 9-0 ~ You know, in certain circles that could mean a bunch of gay men are taking painkillers.  Maybe it does anyway.

Really? The Claim: Excess Weight Raises the Risk of Acne ~ Because it’s that zit on your nose that’s keeping you home on Saturday nights, man-tits.

No, Bro–The Headband Totally Covers It! Rusty, My Man–I Think Tonight Is Finally Your Night!

Tradition forces girls into prostitution ~ “My momma was a ho, just like her momma before her.”

Why My Father Hated India ~ We can give you 1.2 billion perfectly good reasons.

Imperfect teeth are big in Japan ~ Yeah, but everything looks a little bigger in Japan.

Ex-Colorado Sheriff Accused of Trading Drugs for Sex Sits in Jail Named After Him ~ AWK-ward.

Gaga’s scent smells like expensive hookers ~ We prefer the delightful bouquet of burned crack infused with fear-sweat and just a hint of urine that distinguishes so many of today’s down-market hos.

We’d Offer You Our Lunch, But Regrettably,We Lost It Just Moments Ago.

Prevent STDs like a porn star ~ Die of a drug overdose before you’re diagnosed.

Gay rights fight, in Allah’s name ~ You know, just printing the words “Gay” and “Allah” in the same sentence can get you killed.

Rising NBA star sleeps on sofa ~ That’s where a lot of former NBA stars sleep as well.

Ark. cities feel unexplained surge in earthquakes ~ Perhaps God is angry about all the incest.

Navy panel allows openly gay sailor to continue to serve ~ Sounds noble, but remember–we’re talking about the Navy.  If it were to jettison all the gay sailors from its ranks, the US Navy would be left with all the fighting strength of the Cape Cod Yacht Club.

Write Your Own Caption About The US Navy. It Should Contain At Least One Childishly Suggestive Reference (e.g., “Swabbing The Poop Deck!”, “Thar He Blows!” Or “I’m Securing Your Shit Below Deck, Sir!”), And Make Gratuitous Use Of The Word ‘Seamen.’ Support Our Troops!

Recent Headlines Not Included Above

(And Which You May Very Well Have Already Seen)

        • Headlines: 04.03.12
        • Headlines: Titanic Edition
        • Headlines 04.30.12
        • Headlines 05.18.12
        • Headlines 05.24.12
        • Headlines 06.01.12
        • Headlines 06.20.12
        • Headlines 06.29.12
        • Headlines 07.13.12
        • Headlines 07.23.12

Look for Best of Headlines Part II later this week!

Stereotypes: What About The Good Ones?

27 Monday Feb 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture

≈ 14 Comments

Tags

Asians, Belgium, black people, Canadians, Etruscans, family values, fun with stereotypes, gay people, ignorance--it's what we do, Kentucky, kung-fu, Latinos, Mayans, Mississippi, Poland, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, stereotypes, Sumerians, the French, we're all the same, white man's overbite, white people, white trash, whitey, whitey can't dance

By Smaktakula

It's A Fact: Straight White Guys Dance Like Assholes.

For as long as there have been different cultures, there have been cruel stereotypes about those cultures. In ancient times the Sumerians were  believed to be penny-pinchers, the Mayans considered bad guests who wouldn’t leave, and Etruscans were accused of  “dressing too faggy.” Even in modern times, there are some¹ who propound the rumor that Belgian people have belly buttons which are neither innies nor outies, but rather prehensile tentacles which the Belgians use to drain fluid from the organs of the handicapped victims who are their natural prey.

Of course, as any grade-school teacher will tell you, there’s no truth in any stereotype. Stereotypes are just a symptom of fear, a fear which stems from ignorance of other people and cultures. Once a person is exposed to the culture he believes so frightening, he will quickly come to understand that people the world over are exactly the same.²

There are those who say that all stereotypes are injurious, even those of a ‘positive’ nature. Positive or not, these critics contend, stereotypes still serve to distort perceptions and contribute to the widening of various cultural schisms.

You decide.

Asians–Is it really such a handicap to be judged intelligent solely on the basis of your race?  It might be unfair to the morons within the culture, but as we know, Asian morons (or ‘the uninterrigent,’ as they’re known in the Far East) are exceedingly rare. Also, it’s not a bad thing if people avoid fucking with you in the off-chance that you’re a kung-fu master.

These Stanford Cardiologists Take A Break From Their Busy Work Schedule.

Gay men–Folks think you’re a good dancer, even when you’re not.

"You Are The Dancing Queen/Young And Sweet/Only Seventeen"

The French–No good stereotypes exist for the French. About the best thing we can say is that if you scrub ’em down real good, you’ll find out they’re actually Swiss.

There's No Call For This. Clearly, We're Letting Our Francophobia Get The Better Of Us.

White people–Even the most destitute piece of  poor white trash wandering the back hollows of Mississippi is secretly believed by the other races³to be a member of an illuminati-like conspiracy of world-shaking power brokers.  Also, traffic stops rarely end in a beating.

Although This Old Photo Proved An Embarrassment To Senator McWilliams of Kentucky, He Successfully Won Re-Election On A 'No More Immigrants!' Platform.

Latinos–Many positive stereotypes are attributed to persons of Latin descent.  “He works like a Mexican” is a compliment, and one has only to see 23 people crammed into a two-bedroom apartment to know that the family is paramount in Latin culture.  Also, they make great soccer players.

Illegal? Not In The Carpool Lane.

Canadians–Do you folks really mind being thought of as smarter, cleaner, more polite Americans?

"Why Are You So Dirty, Stupid And Rude, Eh?"

The Polish–Tardsie has been to Poland. He says that everything you’ve heard is true.

How Do You Break A Pole's Finger?

Black dudes–Hell yeeeeaaaaaah.

But It's Not For The Kids To Play With, You Know What We're Sayin'?

¹Us, mostly. ∞ T.
²Irrespective of the truth, it’s what you’re supposed to say. ∞ T.
³Most Asians either know or suspect the truth, but will likely play along. ∞ T.

Headlines 02.09.12

09 Thursday Feb 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, Entertainment, Politics, Science, Sport, Stupidity

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

arson, bad parents, creepy, dolphins, drunken Native Americans, ethnic pandering, headlines, Jack Daniels, Jamie Lynn Spears, khat, Latinos, Los Angeles, Mitt Romney, Mogadishu, Native Americans, New Jersey, New York Giants, Newt Gingrich, Penn St., places that suck, playing the lottery as an investment, Rick Santorum, ShamWow!, ShamWow! Vince, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, Somalia, Survivor, the French, the French people's love of stinky things, ugly people, US Navy, Why am I so fat?

By Smaktakula

We respond to today’s headlines without first reading the stories!

Whatever. We’ll Continue To Invest Our Assets In Lottery Tickets.

Parenting After Penn State: Can We Trust Coaches with Our Kids? ~ As much as we ever could.

Today: Woman gives birth on N.J. train ~ As it happens, the child was conceived just two cars down.

Why French Parents Are Superior ~ Does smelling like a turd in rotten-egg sauce stuffed inside the bloated belly of a week-old corpse make you a better parent? Because if it does, we totally get it.

Can’t Find Jeans That Fit? We Can Help ~ So can we. Lose weight.

This Undulant Curiosity Comes With Its Own Event Horizon.

Cops: Boy, 5, stabbed three over juice ~ You’d think after the first stabbing they’d just give the kid his fucking juice.

Santorum Surges, Romney Shrugs ~ Ew.  You know what that means, right?

Should teams lose for Luck? ~ Good question, Confucius.  We’ve got one for you: should a person starve himself for satiety?

The Navy Is Depending on Dolphins to Keep the Strait of Hormuz Open ~ The Navy must be hurting for fresh ideas. Dolphins can’t even keep their asses out of tuna nets.

‘Little Help?’

Unconsciously, Everyone Wants to Date a Hottie ~ But only unconsciously.  Our conscious mind directs us to copulate with fuglies.

Wild find: Half grizzly, half polar bear ~ 100% AWESOME!

Fun in Mogadishu? Indeed! ~ If you’re a khat-crazed buccaneer.

Jamie Lynn Spears: I’m Afraid of Not Being a Good Mom ~ Some fears are justified.

LA arson probe: Person of interest had ‘creepy’ smile, witness says ~ He totally did it, then.  The creepy smile is how you can tell.

What You’re Buying Is The Serial-Killer Smile; The ShamWow! Is An Extra.

What will Giants need to do in order to repeat? ~ Win another Super Bowl, ass.

Things You Didn’t Know About Your Penis ~ Please. After decades of rigorous hands-on study of our penii coupled with regular field-testing, there’s very little about our one-eyed heat-seeking moisture missiles that remains a mystery.

FIFTH OF GERMANS HOLD SOME ANTI-SEMITIC VIEWS – STUDY ~ The Germans? Wow, it’s always the ones you least suspect.

Native Americans, given less time to vote for president, sue SD ~ They always end up voting for Jack Daniels anyway.

“The Great Spirit Says I Must Seek A Vision.”

Former Survivor member sues Gingrich for using “Eye of Tiger” ~ You’d think they’d be thanking Gingrich–that song is about as old as he is.

Elderly Woman Leaves Condo To Homeless ~ And now no one wants to live there.

Helping your parents stay out of the nursing home ~ They can help THEMSELVES stay out of a nursing home by helping Smaktakula out with a little ‘Beanie Baby’ money.

Why the 2012 Hispanic Vote Doesn’t Matter … Yet ~ You best watch your mouth if you don’t want to end up scrubbing your own floors.

We’ve Practically Made Ethnic Pandering Into A Science.

More Fun With Headlines:

  • Promethean Times Responds To The Headlines
  • Headlines II
  • Headlines III
  • Headlines IV
  • Headlines V
  • Headlines VI
  • Headlines VII
  • Headlines VIII
  • Headlines IX
  • Headlines X
  • Headlines XI
  • Headlines XII

No Rice For You!

31 Monday Jan 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

African-Americans, American mothers, Amy Chua, Asians of other than Chinese descent, bad parents, black people, childhood, China, Chinese mothers, cultural elitism, demanding parents, foot-binding, horrible jobs, infanticide, Latinos, Native Americans, parenting, preference for males in Chinese culture, racism, roundeyes, sacrificing youth, sinosuperiority, smug parents, superior mothers, sweatshops, tedium, thanks a lot mom, United States of America, Wall Street Journal, white people

By Smaktakula

Raise Your Hand If Yours Is A Life Of Joyless Tedium.

If you’ve been a student in any multi-ethnic society during the last twenty years, you may have noticed a particular scholastic trend among Asian students.  They do better than you.  Like most people, you probably figured that the Asian kids were simply smarter.  While such an intellectual disparity may be possible–even likely, it only tells half the story.  The secret to the Asian kid’s success isn’t simply her own intelligence, but that her parents are wildly superior to your lame-ass mom and dad.

The Chinese Way: Efficient, But Never At The Cost Of Human Dignity.

Or so says Amy Chua. Writing recently in the Wall Street Journal, Chua argues for the superiority of Chinese parenting, whose techniques she employs in her own parenting.  The author happily boasts about regimenting her daughters’ lives, gleefully excising any activity which does not contribute directly toward a Harvard matriculation.  Unlike lazy roundeye parents who place an inordinate value upon their children’s happiness and ability to control their own destinies, superior Chinese parents do things just a little bit differently.  The only real difference between an Americanized child and one of Chua’s hyper-achievers is that the loafing yankee gets to have sleepovers, play a musical instrument other than the piano or violin, have unstructured free time and to participate in the various carefree activities which constitute a normal childhood.

Sure, Why WOULDN'T She Thank You, Mom?

As might be expected, Ms. Chua’s opinions are not shared by everyone.  Many lackluster white, Latino, black and Asian-of-other-than-Chinese-descent mothers* take exception to Chua’s smarmy critique of their parenting.

Chua is dismissive of the idea that her behavior will cause her daughters to one day resent her.  “They already resent me.  I resent my mother, and she her mother before her.  But as long as my girls graduate first in their class at Harvard and enter into a loveless power marriage, I’ll be satisfied.”  When asked what would make her truly happy, Chua said, “Happiness is for chumps.”

Some observers note that Ms. Chua has not been completely honest when she claims to have raised her daughter in the traditional Chinese method.  For example, it appears her daughters can walk without difficulty, indicating that Chua has likely eschewed the ancient tradition of foot-binding.  Moreover, that the author has two daughters seems to fly in the face of her claims.  In traditional Chinese culture the young ladies would have been drowned at birth, preserving the family’s precious resources for a much-more valuable boy child.

Who's The Man?

*No data exists on the relative laziness of Native American mothers. ∞T.

New Mexico Governor Mulls Pardon Of Legendary Mass Murderer

27 Monday Sep 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, History, Stupidity

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

beard-based ethnic pandering, Ben Hur, Billy the Kid, David Berkowitz, Emilio Estevez, Governor Bill Richardson, Henry McCarty, Hillary Clinton, Latinos, Lew Wallace, Manson Family, mass murderers, mullets, New Mexico, New Mexico Territory, Pat Garrett, Richard Speck, serial killers, Son of Sam, there's a NEW Mexico?, treachery, Typhoid Mary, William Blaine Richardson III, William H. Bonney

By Smaktakula

It's A Bringdown To Discover That Billy Looks Less Like Emilio And More Like The Kid Who Used To Sell Joints Out Of His Locker In Junior High.

New Mexico governor Bill Richardson, best known both for parlaying the backstabbing of Hillary Clinton into a cabinet nomination from which he was forced to withdraw as well as for growing a beard to remind potential voters that he was Latino,* has decided to run out the clock on his term in office with a bit of asinine frivolity.  Richardson is mulling a pardon of notorious outlaw Henry McCarty, also known as William Bonney, but known to posterity as Billy the Kid.

The story goes that Lew Wallace, the then-governor of the New Mexico Territory (and future author of Ben Hur) offered clemency to the Kid.  True or not, Billy went on to gun down a few more folks before hooking up with his pal Pat Garrett one last time.

Next For Bill Richardson: Reconsidering Typhoid Mary

Some say it’s a bad precedent to pardon a guy whose body count (over 20 according to legend, but probably somewhere closer to 10) puts him in the same league as Richard Speck, David “Son of Sam” Berkowitz and the Manson Family.  Others contend that a pardon will allow Billy’s restless spirit to go on to its heavenly reward.

This episode begs the following questions:

  1. Has Richardson so neatly solved New Mexico’s myriad ills that he can engage in an ill-advised publicity pardon of a mass-murder/serial killer 130 years dead?
  2. Isn’t there someone in a New Mexico jail right now who not only would grateful for a pardon, but also didn’t kill a bunch of people?
  3. There’s a New Mexico?

Most People Don't Know That It Was Billy's Mullet That Finally Make Pat Garrett Haul Off And Shoot Him.

*In fairness, William Blaine Richardson III did spend much of his childhood in Mexico.

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