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Tag Archives: theocratic cultural backwaters

Hemophilia Ain’t Funny, Y’all!

14 Wednesday Sep 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, News

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Tags

2010 US Census, Asians, bleeders, China, don't hate us because we're ignorant, fun with stereotypes, hemophilia, hicks, hillbillies, immigration, inbreeding, one child policy, places that suck, Royal Disease, theocratic cultural backwaters, West Virginia, you got a real purty mouth

By Smaktakula

According to the 2010 US Census, formerly-homogeneous American backwaters like West Virginia have benefited from a substantial increase in Asian immigrants.  This is somewhat fitting, as inbreeding pretty much leads to inbleeding anyway.

It's Difficult To Say How China's One-Child Policy Will Fare In A Place Where A Man Can Be His Own Father.

You have a most honorable mouth! ∞T.

This Day In History: February 14, 1989 CE

14 Monday Feb 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, History, Politics, Religion

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1989, Ayatollah Khomeini, censorship, douchebaggery, douchey theocrats, fatwa, February 14, Iran, religious intolerance, Salman Rushdie, The Satanic Verses, theocratic cultural backwaters, this day in history, those wacky mullahs!, your feelings > freedom of expression

On which douchey theocrat Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini vociferously expresses his displeasure with Salman Rushdie‘s The Satanic Verses. The tactic proves so popular that it remains the Islamic community’s preferred method to redress grievances both real and imagined.

"Okay, First Of All, I'd Like To Thank Everybody For Coming. I Know You All Had To Take Time Out Of Your Busy Lives, But It's Great You Could Be Here. A Couple Of Special Mentions Before I Forget: Thanks To Faisal And Mohammad For Donating The Envelopes. Also, Everybody Remember To Thank Ibrahim's Boss For Letting Us Use The Stamp Machine. Okay, Let's Get Down To Business: Remember, When Writing The Publisher To Express Your Hurt Feelings, Be Firm But Polite. After All, We Don't Want To Sound Like A Bunch Of Crazies, Am I Right, Guys?"

We, the public, are easily, lethally offended.  We have come to think of taking offence as a fundamental right.  We value very little more highly than our rage, which gives us, in our opinion, the moral high ground.  From this high ground we can shoot down at our enemies and inflict heavy fatalities.  We take pride in our short fuses.  Our anger elevates, transcends.
Salman Rushdie

Stand Tall, Mississippi!

11 Friday Feb 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture

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Tags

bigotry, despotism, Elvis Aaron Presley, embarrassing historical record, impoverished first-world hellhole, impoverished third-world hellhole, inbreeding, intolerance, ladyparts, Mississippi, Mississippi > North Korea, North Korea, places that suck, Pyongyang, slavery, The South, theocratic cultural backwaters, Uncle-Daddy, William Faulkner, you can't tell us that 'Pyongyang' doesn't sound like a filthy word to you

By Smaktakula

Unlike Despotic North Korea, Mississippi Has Long Been A Bastion Of Liberty And Complete Equality For All People.

Although impoverished third-world hellhole North Korea and impoverished first-world hellhole Mississippi are roughly the same size, have similar literacy rates and offer an almost identical standard of living, the Southern US state has an edge over the isolated Asian regime: North Korea has yet to produce either an Elvis or a Faulkner.

"He Knew Then--Just As He Had Always Known But Drew From His Ignorance (Or His Supposed Ignorance Or Rather His Imposed Ignorance, Because It Was A Thing Which He Had Taken Upon Himself, Glad In The Lethe-Like Completeness Of Its Abnegation And Erasure) That Sustenance With Which The Ignorant, Or Perhaps Just The Apparently Ignorant, Seem To Subsist, Growing No Fatter Nor Leaner For It--That His Home Country With Its Dusty Roads Trod Firm By The Eternal Unyielding Drum Of Bare Feet On That Blood-Earned Earth, Themselves Beset By Hookworm Or A Dozen Other Rots And Blights For Which They Did Not Know The Name Or Even That A Name For The Thing Should Exist At All, The Sweating September Pines Whispering The True History Of The Place, The One Not Man Nor Woman Nor Child, Negro Nor Caucasian, Youth Nor Town Father, Would Dare Or Even Think To Give Voice But Knew As Well As Anyone Else, And With A Thousand Other Afflictions Besides Was Still His Home Country After All, And He No More Divisible From It Than Red From A Ruby, And That He Could Feel About It However He Wished But That It Loved Him Still And Whether He Knew It (And He Did Know It; Had Known It Like The Other Thing) Or Cared To Admit It Anyway Would Draw Him Like The Moths Which In His Youth Danced About the Oil Lamps At The Hunting Camp Until They, Like He, Would Almost Against Their Will Be Plunged Into It And There Finally Be Settled Alongside His Progenitors, Hated And Beloved Both, At Long Last Making Literal His Heretofore Symbolic Bond To The Land; Knowing This, He Said, 'SCREW Y'ALL, NORTH KOREA! Y'ALL KIN KISS MAH REBEL ASS!'"

"Pyongyang? Huh. Whuddaya Spose That Is, Fellas? The Chinese Word For Ladyparts?"

“Ha! Ladyparts!  Good one, E!”

Trucker Bombs: The Highway’s Hidden Threat

07 Friday Jan 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Alabama, Aurora Peterbiltalis, bathtub crank, black coffee, drugs, golden grenades of ammoniac horror, highways, Honeybucket, IEDs, Improvised Explosive Devices, interstates, long-haul trucking, methamphetamine, Over The Top, PISS, piss boys, Sylvester Stallone, teamsters, the reek of the homeless, the Yellow Kid, theocratic cultural backwaters, trucker bombs, truckers, truckstop whores, United States of America, urination, urine, Utah, West Virginia

By Smaktakula

If You Think You’ll Only Encounter IEDs In Theocratic Cultural Backwaters, Think Again: You’ll Find Them In Places As Close To Home As Alabama, West Virginia or Utah.

At first glance, there is much to envy in the life of the long-haul trucker.  While his contemporaries toil away their lives in antiseptic cubes which vary only in size and color, the trucker remains free, a servant of no man, his domain the byways and backroads, his destination the horizon, with the call of the road his only companion and the eternal asphalt his uneasy ally.  Then there are the perks–scalding black coffee, bathtub crank and toothless truckstop whores.  To those who don’t know any better, it might seem an idyllic life.

Have You Ever Stopped To Consider How Much Of Your Life Is Wasted Standing In Front Of These Things?

But for those perspicacious enough to see past the glitz and the glory, a different world reveals itself.  In fact, long-haul trucking makes for a hard and lonely life, one made all the more arduous by hidden inconveniences which go unnoticed by most of workaday America.

“I’m Doin’ #1 Right Now!”

Trucker bombs are the result of one of these unseen inconveniences.  Very much the IEDs of America’s roadways, these golden grenades of ammoniac horror wait silently among the roadside detritus for the hapless charity organization or prison work crew misfortunate enough to stumble upon it.  Because of the time constraints placed upon them, many truckers eschew the everyday activities which would otherwise slow them down, such as the bathroom break.

Some Truckers Have Revived The Old Tradition Of ‘Piss Boys.’

Teamsters, who have previously taken the art of beating the system to new and dizzying heights, have devised a means by which drivers can cheat biology’s heretofore unshakable summons.  The teamsters’ workaround was not only so simple and elegant as to almost defy belief, but also so efficient that it is a wonder it has yet to come into greater use among non-commercial drivers.

The Problem Isn’t New. This Pamphlet From 1923 Tells The Horrifying Story Of A Young Boy Enfeebled For Life By A Trucker Bomb.

The system works like this: when a driver needs to relieve himself, rather than stop to find facilities, he urinates directly into an empty and–most critically–resealable container.  Plastic milk jugs are the preferred receptacle, but other varieties of plastic containers as well as some glass jars work well for urine storage.  The result is a trucker bomb.

The Aurora Peterbiltalis: This Beautiful Phenomenon Should Be On Everyone’s Honeybucket List.

As the second half of the name might imply to the careful listener, trucker bombs save precious time by being easily disposable.  When the containment unit is three-quarters full of human fluids (truckers say that to fill the container beyond 85% is to invite disaster), it can be discarded easily and quickly by hurling it from the window of a speeding truck.  The resultant explosion is a phenomenon described as “a golden spectacle” by those fortunate enough to have witnessed it.

Is This What You Want For Your Kid? To Stink Like A Homeless Person?

 

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