23 Friday Dec 2011
Tags
Alabama, blind people, Helen Keller, impoverished third-world hellhole, places that suck, sure plays a mean pinball, Uncle-Daddy
This Iconic American Will Be Remembered Not Only For Her Dauntless Courage And Devotion To Others, But Also For Being By Far Alabama's Most Articulate And Accomplished Public Speaker.
18 Friday Feb 2011
Tags
American Civil War, Confederacy, Confederate States of America, CSA, Grand Cyclops, KKK, Klansman, Ku Klux Klan, license plate, losers don't get to write history, Magnolia State, Masada, Mississippi, mouth-breathing halfwits, Nathan Bedford Forrest, Robert Byrd, that trick never works, the Alamo, The Sons of Confederate Veterans, The South, The South Will Rise Again!, Thermopylae, Uncle-Daddy, War Between the States, West Virginia
"Fellers, Y'all Do Know We Done Already Lost That Fight With Them Yankee Sumbitches, Right?"
In the Magnolia State, old ghosts have risen to once again fan the embers of division and reignite the conflagration that civilized America believed long-dead. It seems that after nearly two centuries of statehood, Mississippi just can’t get its act together.
The state’s most recent trouble began when the Mississippi Division of the Sons of Confederate Veterans proposed a state license plate commemorating the end of the War Between the States, known in places long-accustomed to indoor plumbing as the American Civil War. This request is somewhat unusual since, with rare exceptions in incidents of transcendent courage such as Masada, the Alamo or Thermopylae–losers are not typically commemorated.
So Is This What Your Great-Grandaddy Fought So Hard For? Just Checking.
Even more controversial is the SCV’s choice of Nathan Bedford Forrest‘s image for the new license plate. Forrest is a contentious figure because he was a Confederate Lieutenant General during the Civil War. That, and he was an early and influential member of the Ku Klux Klan.
If Mississippi chooses to honor Forrest by issuing the offensive license plate, it will invite turmoil from within the state and opprobrium without. Moreover, the leech-choked mudpatch would become the first state to so lavishly celebrate a Klansman since West Virginia, which continues to name just about everything within its borders in honor of former KKK Grand Cyclops, Robert Byrd.
While it may be too much to ask that Mississippi pull itself fully into the 21st Century, we suggest a more modest goal. Perhaps the state could shoot for 1978 or 1979?
11 Friday Feb 2011
Tags
bigotry, despotism, Elvis Aaron Presley, embarrassing historical record, impoverished first-world hellhole, impoverished third-world hellhole, inbreeding, intolerance, ladyparts, Mississippi, Mississippi > North Korea, North Korea, places that suck, Pyongyang, slavery, The South, theocratic cultural backwaters, Uncle-Daddy, William Faulkner, you can't tell us that 'Pyongyang' doesn't sound like a filthy word to you
Unlike Despotic North Korea, Mississippi Has Long Been A Bastion Of Liberty And Complete Equality For All People.
Although impoverished third-world hellhole North Korea and impoverished first-world hellhole Mississippi are roughly the same size, have similar literacy rates and offer an almost identical standard of living, the Southern US state has an edge over the isolated Asian regime: North Korea has yet to produce either an Elvis or a Faulkner.
"He Knew Then--Just As He Had Always Known But Drew From His Ignorance (Or His Supposed Ignorance Or Rather His Imposed Ignorance, Because It Was A Thing Which He Had Taken Upon Himself, Glad In The Lethe-Like Completeness Of Its Abnegation And Erasure) That Sustenance With Which The Ignorant, Or Perhaps Just The Apparently Ignorant, Seem To Subsist, Growing No Fatter Nor Leaner For It--That His Home Country With Its Dusty Roads Trod Firm By The Eternal Unyielding Drum Of Bare Feet On That Blood-Earned Earth, Themselves Beset By Hookworm Or A Dozen Other Rots And Blights For Which They Did Not Know The Name Or Even That A Name For The Thing Should Exist At All, The Sweating September Pines Whispering The True History Of The Place, The One Not Man Nor Woman Nor Child, Negro Nor Caucasian, Youth Nor Town Father, Would Dare Or Even Think To Give Voice But Knew As Well As Anyone Else, And With A Thousand Other Afflictions Besides Was Still His Home Country After All, And He No More Divisible From It Than Red From A Ruby, And That He Could Feel About It However He Wished But That It Loved Him Still And Whether He Knew It (And He Did Know It; Had Known It Like The Other Thing) Or Cared To Admit It Anyway Would Draw Him Like The Moths Which In His Youth Danced About the Oil Lamps At The Hunting Camp Until They, Like He, Would Almost Against Their Will Be Plunged Into It And There Finally Be Settled Alongside His Progenitors, Hated And Beloved Both, At Long Last Making Literal His Heretofore Symbolic Bond To The Land; Knowing This, He Said, 'SCREW Y'ALL, NORTH KOREA! Y'ALL KIN KISS MAH REBEL ASS!'"
"Pyongyang? Huh. Whuddaya Spose That Is, Fellas? The Chinese Word For Ladyparts?"
07 Monday Feb 2011
Posted in Celebrity
Tags
cable networks, Canada, chewing tobacco, dangerous people, death by Don King, death by kicking, Deep South, Deliverance, Don King, historians, History, inbreeding, jackassery, Kansas, Kinglish, Larry the Cable Guy, money for nothing, NASCAR, non-historians, Only in America, rednecks, scary people, stereotypes, stupid people, sweet hockey moves, the unfunnying of America, TV for idiots, Uncle-Daddy, unfunny comedians, untalented stars, you got a real purty mouth
Larry Is Just Another Reason That, If We Had Any Sweet Hockey Moves, We Would Have Moved To Canada Years Ago.
Cretinous stereotype Larry The Cable Guy has teamed with infotainment network History for the new series Only In America, which profiles such uniquely American innovations as the origins of NASCAR or the popularization of smokeless tobacco. History, formerly the History Channel, is steadily moving away from history the way MTV fled from music in the early 1990s.
"I'm A-Goin' To See Larry With My Uncle And Daddy. We're Both Really Big Fans."
Although Larry is not the first non-historian to host a show on History, the unfunny comedian is thought to be network’s first presenter completely lacking in talent. Nonetheless, History executives are said to be very pleased with Larry. Said one, “Who better to honestly present the unvarnished truth of history than a dude from Kansas who honors America by pretending to be a heavily accented dimwit from the Deep South?”
The New History Network: Because Sometimes 'Lifetime' Gets Too Information-Heavy.
Only in America, which debuts tomorrow, has already attracted its share of critics. Among them is electroshock-coiffed fight promoter Don King, who has for years used the phrase “Only in America” as something of a trademark. King, who once kicked a man to death, is said to be “Inconsolulate” over what he considers “Thieverification of the lowest order,” adding, “This injustitude will be revelated in the shining light of honestifery and greeted with commensurable wrathness!”
"Justifaction Is At Hand, Oh Yes!" Don Is Suspicious Of Those Things From Which He Does Not Receive Direct Compensation.
