Tag Archives: methamphetamine

Overheard In The Bathroom At An Erasure Concert

03 Tuesday Sep 2013

Posted by in Celebrity, Culture, Entertainment, Music, True-Ass Tales

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By Tardsie

You Wouldn’t Normally Expect To See A Lot Of Gay People At An Erasure Show, But Life Is Stranger Than Fiction Sometimes.

Several years ago I was at an Erasure concert in Southern California. After the opening act, a painfully unfunny set by comedienne Margaret Cho which mainly consisted of mocking her immigrant mother’s English¹, I headed to the bathroom before Erasure took the stage.

“It Not Racism. It Edgy Comedy. Me So Funny!”

Unusual for a guy’s restroom, the toilets were abuzz with conversation. The topic was Margaret Cho.

“I didn’t think she was very funny,” somebody said.

“Give her a break,” somebody else said. “She was all right.”

Then one guy asked, “Didn’t she used to have a really big crystal meth problem?”

To which a disembodied voice replied from the depths of one of the stalls, “Oh, honey–didn’t we all?”

I’ve Been *Mostly* Successful In Avoiding These Activities.

¹Don’t get me wrong, folks–I enjoy making fun of non-English speaking people as much as the next guy–and probably a whole lot more–but there seemed no point to this, no examination of cultural differences, no clever interplay on Old-World vs. New-World customs, just “my mom is such a dumb foreigner.” ∞ T.

Strippers: Why They Just Don’t Do It For Us

05 Thursday Jul 2012

Posted by in Culture, Entertainment

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By Smaktakula

It’s like being a kid in a great big candy store, only you have no money. That, and all the candy is made out of methamphetamine and soiled Kleenex.

Lola Possesses All The Carnal Charm Of A Fluid-Spattered Scrap Of Burlap That You Don’t Actually Get To Have Sex With.

Fellas, select your potential mates the Promethean Times way! We make it a firm policy to insist that all our lady friends maintain a collection of no fewer than twenty-six teeth in their mouths. ∞ T.

Career Opportunities: Carny

19 Saturday May 2012

Posted by in Culture

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Originally Posted September 15, 2010

By Smaktakula

Just ‘Cause You Didn’t Finish High School An’ Ain’t Got But Four Teeth In Your Mouth An’ One Uh Them Not Worth Uh Damn Nohow Don’t Mean You Can’t Live Uh Fulfilling Life Amongst The Traveling Folk.

There are those unique individuals who dread the notion of riding a desk until retirement, who long to work not in a stuffy cubicle, but under God’s own sky, and who chafe against the constricting mores of traditional society.  For those willing to do whatever it takes to find it, there is still a place for the truly free man among the traveling folk of the carnival.

Every day, a growing number of Americans are eschewing a staid and plastic life of comfort and safety, instead casting their lot among the fringy legions of  that uniquely American bottom-feeder, the carny.  A carny is free to pursue his own dreams, be they the simple aspiration to drink turpentine until the onset of blindness, or more dramatic expressions of individuality, such as marrying a she-goat.  The carnival doesn’t judge.

Effete College Boys Read William Faulkner And Charles Bukowski, But Carnies Live The Life.

Not just any sketchy drifter with a rap sheet and a love for Night Train can be a Merlin of the Midway–it takes a special commitment.  Much like a monk who joins an order, the carny life is a world unto itself.

Everyone On The Midway Has His Own Story; The Carnival Is Haunted By Tales. Curiously, They All Begin And End With Methamphetamine.

Preservin’ That Hillbilly Heritage

14 Wednesday Mar 2012

Posted by in Culture, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

Nobody Said Being A Parent Would Be Easy. In Fairness, Though--It Was Clearly Implied. We're Not Blaming Anyone, We're Just Saying That In A Very Real Way It's Your Fault.

We totally get it. You’re damn proud of your white trash pedigree, and want to pass that culture on to the young’uns. Originally confined to the South and most parts of Indiana, the White Trash Diaspora (WTD) has spread throughout the 48 contiguous non-freak states and Canada. And with white trash mommas birthing larger litters every year, redneck cultural historians say it is more important than ever that this vital slice of American whitebread be “preserved for posterior.”

Maybe you think that as a parent, you’ve done everything you can to teach little Cody or Ashley about this proud legacy: exposing them to endless hours of TV, heavy on Two and a Half Men, America’s Funniest Home Videos, rasslin’ and fine reality programming; dressing them appropriately in No Fear and TapouT t-shirts, and taming their fauxhawks and mullets with bulk-bought gel; enjoying regular family dinners at Arby’s, The Hometown Trough, or for really special occasions, Dave & Busters. But ask yourself: in the face of cultural dilution, is this enough?

You've Been Preparing For Your Financial Future--But What About Your Child's Future?

On the surface it may appear so. Sure, your toddler is a toothless, intolerant do-nothing who speaks incomprehensible English and lives off the charity of others–but can you guarantee he’ll stay that way?

Look–there are no guarantees in life. Despite an upbringing of rural squalor in a meth-rich environment lacking even the most basic amenities, there will always be those horror stories about kids who grow up with wild-eyed dreams of a better life. So while there’s no way to completely ensure that your boy will play football and not soccer, you can nevertheless stack the cards in your favor by starting when he’s young. May we suggest as a first step these ultra-boss denim diapers? Not only will they keep baby shit out of the carpet for a few hours, but Junior will look hella tough.

'Cause, Hey--Sometimes You Shit Your Levi's, Too.

Fresno: Looking Past All The Suck

07 Tuesday Feb 2012

Posted by in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, Stupidity

≈ 8 Comments

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By Smaktakula

Fresno Sucks Donkey Balls, It's True.

Fresno, California is a powerfully forgettable city.  Squatting like an infected zit in the center of California’s San Joaquin Valley (itself labelled a ‘New Appalachia’ by The Economist), Fresno is an embarrassing relation to California’s first-class cities: Los Angeles, San Diego, San Jose and San Francisco. Fresno is the cataclysmically retarded sibling the family keeps locked in the basement when company visits.

You Wouldn't Let Your Family Live Here, Yet This Is What Thousands Of Americans Endure Every Day.

Fresno’s abject wretchedness becomes apparent when it is understood that despite its relative obscurity, Fresno is the fifth largest city in California and 34th in the nation, making it far more populous than many other more famous and beloved cities.  Moreover, the dust-blown hellhole has long been known as a crime-ridden cesspit–pungent, filthy and unlivable, where average  July temperatures soar above 97 degrees.

MY L1F3 4 FR35N0. FR35N0 4 L1FE, Y0.

Neither are Fresnans known for their mental prowess.   In 2009 the city wallowed dead last in a national ranking of ‘Smartest Cities in America, and boasts as its primary institution of higher learning Cal State Fresno. Fresno lacks any professional sports teams,* and for famous Fresnans can list the likes of Balco’s Victor Conte, talentless rapper-cum-baby daddy K-Fed and crazy bitch Anne Heche.  Local citizens have even founded the Frebby Awards, to highlight those rare and delicate elements of Fresno life not completely saturated with suck.

So Sad.

But things may at last be looking up for the Raisin City. A recent newspaper headline has tagged Fresno with a distinction which seems to blow like an ill wind from city to blighted city throughout the American West.  Tomorrow the spotlight may be upon Tacoma, Washington, Enid, Oklahoma or any one of a hundred other loser cities, but this moment belongs to Fresno, which for today anyway, has been declared the methamphetamine capital of the United States of America.  Way to go, Fresno!

Everyone Is Special In His Or Her Own Way.

*Fresno does have a AAA baseball team, the Fresno Grizzlies. However, we hardly need remind readers that as the farm team for the San Francisco Giants, they don’t really count. ∞ T.

Meth For Dummies/Crack In The Cracks

14 Wednesday Dec 2011

Posted by in Crime, Culture, News, Stupidity

≈ 3 Comments

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By Smaktakula

Legal Or Illegal: America Loves Its Drugs.

Although potentially-legalized marijuana is the greatest crisis facing contemporary society, it is by no means the only drug insidiously devouring a generation.  Below, we present a brace of cautionary tales which illuminate the true horrors and depredations of America’s drug epidemic.

A Bigger Threat To Society Than Hitler With A Bad Migraine.

One advantage methamphetamine has over other illegal drugs is that it can be made just about anywhere, using common household products.  This ubiquity has caused meth, the little drug that could, to take off like a rocket across the United States.

Each Image Is Someone You Could Reasonably Imagine Encountering At Walmart.

It turns out, however, that there yet places where the manufacture of methamphetamine remains a poor idea, as Alisha Halfmoon discovered to her regret.  The brain-addled crank enthusiast was arrested in a Tulsa, Oklahoma Walmart after spending six hours in the back of the store whipping up a batch of crystal.

But Maybe Not At Walmart.

But of course meth isn’t the only drug causing Americans to do stupid and degrading things.  Crack, considered by many to be ‘yesterday’s scourge,’ is still ruining lives across the nation.  Among those enslaved by the glass teat is one Ella Jo Price of South Carolina.

We're Not So Sure; It Inspired This Adorable Street Art, Didn't It? And It's 'Whack' By The Way.

Perhaps believing that it’s better to have something and not need it than to need something and not have it, Price had two crack pipes secreted on her person when police pulled her and another man over for speeding in early December.  Although initially resistant to hand over the paraphernalia, when the police became insistent, Price produced the two crack pipes from the foul crannies in which she’d secreted them, her crotch and buttocks respectively.

Seal That One Tight, Boys.

LiLo’s Got The Meth Mouth

18 Tuesday Oct 2011

Posted by in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, Entertainment, News

≈ 1 Comment

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By Smaktakula

You Know You're Famous When Forgetting To Brush Your Teeth Causes A Minor Media Sensation.

True? False? That’s what the gossip sites are reporting, anyway. More accurately, they’re claiming that the self-destructing former starlet and Flower of American Skankhood has a mouth full of rotting teeth, from which Promethean Times irresponsibly infers that said condition is a consequence of snorting* great big piles of methamphetamine.

Or it could just be improper hygiene. Remembering to brush after meals can help to preserve healthy teeth for a lifetime. Sadly, LiLo has yet to demonstrate that she can inculcate positive habits into her life, having been “fired” from her community service work at Skid Row Woman’s Shelter. A few months ago, Promethean Times opined of Ms. Lohan, “the time to hit that is now.” Sadly, it appears that the time to hit that has passed.

* Meth can also be smoked or taken intravenously. Promethean Times alleges that Ms. Lohan rubs it into cuts. ∞ T.

True Facts: To Be Danish Is To Dip

08 Thursday Sep 2011

Posted by in Culture, History, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

Denmark Is Known As "The Land Of The Rotten Jaw."

Most people associate smokeless tobacco, or ‘dip,’ with inbred American hillbillies.  While it is true that dip competes with methamphetamine and Mike’s Hard Lemonade for dominance in the American yokel market, it is even more beloved in other parts of the world.

Danes in particular love their chaw.  During the annual Spittelfjest, happy blond couples walk hand in hand along the saliva-slick cobblestones of Silkeborg, their lower lips pouched, brimming ‘bacco sluices.

The Danes’ ancient affinity for snuff remains evident to this day.  Not only did former viking raiders choose “Copenhagen’ as the name of their capital city, but the country’s most common toast is “Skål.”

It's True--Kiss A Dane And You Get A Little Bit Of A Contact Buzz.

Beautiful Spam II: I Am Because Effective Like A Train Engine

18 Friday Mar 2011

Posted by in Stupidity

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By Smaktakula and Others

The feedback we receive from readers is always a treat.  Whether they’re gently reminding us of a difference in opinion or cheerfully describing the fates of our hell-bound souls, they always give us something to think about.  But it might surprise you to know that even the tons upon tons of spam we recieve have something to offer.  See for yourself:

Actually, We're Fine With It If It's Quality Spam.

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Thanks.  We like it too.

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Promethean Times will never kid your replica.  That’s a promise.

I know you’d like to defend your maple-syrup drinking breathern up North who can’t even figure out how to win in the Olympics THEY host when they spend 9 months of the year playing Winter sports, but… let’s face it, the only thing Canada can do right is health care and a balanced immigration policy. That’s it!

Wow.  Bryan Adams really hurt you, huh?

"Pourquoi Avez-Vous Prendre Mon Nordiques?"

Each event can be labeled by four numbers: a time coordinate and three space coordinates; thus spacetime is a four-dimensional space.

Bet you didn’t realize you’d be learning something today.

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‘I am because effective like a train engine.’  We’re putting that one on our resumes.

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That’s a bold tactic.  You’re aware now that the tsunami did happen, yes?

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Thank you so much!  Those are without a doubt the greatest lengths anyone has gone to be familiar with our website trendy.

So Where Do All Those Creative Ideas Come From?

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You’ve got something there, son.  Just a little bit of editing, maybe a couple of pictures with snarky captions and you’re good to go!