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Tag Archives: slavery

Headlines 08.16.12

16 Thursday Aug 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Entertainment, History, News, Politics

≈ 39 Comments

Tags

Amelia Earhart, Atlanta Braves, Aurora Massacre, Big Pharma, Camaroon, China, cocaine, dope, drunken Irishmen, Facebook, free speech, gay people, Germany, grass, Handi Wipes, headlines, hemp, hippies, hookers, marijuana, places that suck, pot, reefer, Sikh Massacre, slavery, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, Son of Sam, stoners, sweet sweet cheeba, weed, Why am I so fat?

By Smaktakula

If We Can No Longer Trust The Krauts To Be Racially Sensitive, What Hope Is Left?

In which we opine on the day’s headlines without first reading the stories.

***

Amelia Earhart: Better feminist than pilot? ~ Let’s fucking hope so!

Study: Rich, poor Americans increasingly likely to live in separate neighborhoods ~ Because in times of old, the industrialist robber barons preferred to slum it among the great unwashed.

A Facebook ‘Like’ Is Free Speech ~ At its most cowardly and least significant.

Olympic female badminton players face charges ~ You just don’t see this kind of thing happening with the goodminton players.

‘Son of Sam’ Killer: Aurora, Sikh Massacres ‘Senseless’ ~ But if, for example, a dude killed couples who were making out in cars ’cause a talking dog told him to do it, that would make a lot more sense.

“The French Embassy, Benny. Tomorrow, Noon. No Survivors.”

Alzheimer’s drug research halted ~ “To be fair, we didn’t halt it precisely, but rather we…ah…we…Are you my grandson?”

‘I don’t want my friends to die on my birthday’ ~ Same here. We’re holding out for Christmas.

Think You’re Gay? It Shows in Your Eyes ~ Ha!–You’ve got the Queer Eye.

7 Cameroon athletes missing from Olympic village ~ “Hey! The flight back to our jerkwater African Republic leaves in an hour! You guys will be so pissed if you miss it!”

Researchers doubt positive aspects of medical marijuana ~ And by ‘researchers’, we mean Justice Department fart-catchers and their Big Pharma masters.

Dude, If You REALLY Want To Help The Cause, Maybe Grab A Shower And Cut That Rat’s Nest Off Your Head.

US Presidential Election Takes Negative Turn ~ Verily. It is our most fervent hope that the scurrilous example set by both the Adams and Jefferson campaigns shall not be repeated in 1800’s presidential contest.

Are Team USA’s $500 Leotards Worth It? ~ Well now, that depends–have you guys already laundered them or are they still stinky? And do you accept PayPal?

Autopsy inconclusive for Obama staffer remembered as dedicated to campaign ~ He found out too late that the Kool-Aid comes at a pretty high price.

His other car is on Mars ~ Oh, he’s lying to you, honey. He ain’t got no other car.

Octopus hitches ride on dolphin’s genitals ~ Hey, we’ve got an idea: who wants to go fishing?

He’s Wearing One Right Now!

What it feels like to be attacked by a great white shark ~ Obviously, each  experience is unique and subject to myriad factors which can influence the outcome. However, agony and intense terror usually figure in there somewhere.

Irishman gives expert Olympic sailing commentary ~ “Ah fookin’ telt ye ah know fook all abaht boots, but ye can’t fookin’ oonerstan me, can ye, ye wee daft fookers?”

Exercise termed ‘Wonder Drug’ ~ Trickery is the only way to get fatties to try it.

21 Burned in Walk Over Hot Coals at Robbins Event ~ We have a modicum of sympathy for the first couple fire-walkers, but if you’re idiot #21, who’s just been asked to please step aside so the paramedics can get through, why not “go big” and just walk across the coals on your face?

Braves give Smoltz team’s highest honor ~ The Tomahawk Chop!

Often Native Americans Would Perform This Ceremony While Loitering Outside Stadiums On Game Day, Selling Loose Tickets. The Name Just Stuck.

Tavis Smiley: Poverty is the new slavery ~ So, did they not have poverty back in olden times? Otherwise, poverty is still poverty, and you’ll have to look a little harder to find the new slavery.

Why Certain Countries Dominate the Games ~ Because certain countries are naturally more awesome than others. That, and China cheats.

‘Mentally disabled’ man executed in Texas ~ Beginning writers often muddy their prose with extraneous words. Incisive, elegant writing means eschewing redundancies. This sentence should read “Texan executed.”

Live Alone? You’re Not Alone ~ But really you are. Very much alone.

Picking up more than a hooker ~ Well, sure–you can’t forget cocaine & Handi Wipes.

‘Cause It’s For Sure Gonna Get Messy.

Headlines 04.28.11

28 Thursday Apr 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, News

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

American Civil War, autism, Brazil, Cape Cod, Donald Trump, Enrique Iglesias, Garey Busey, great white shark, headlines, homosexuality, Libya, Madden NFL 12, massacre, NATO, NFL, sailors, sharks, slavery, street children, US Navy, Vladimir Putin, you got a real purty mouth

By Smaktakula

Just the headlines, none of the content.  For more Headlines fun, click here and here.

Navy panel allows openly gay sailor to continue to serve ~ Sounds noble, but remember–we’re talking about the Navy.  If the US Navy were to rid itself entirely of homosexuality, it would have all the fighting strength of the Cape Cod Yacht Club.

Anchors Aweigh!

Brazil shooting said to be first school massacre in nation’s history ~  Previous Brazilian massacres have been of street children, and thus not newsworthy.

Madden NFL 12 to Make Player Safety a Priority ~Madden 12: Also known as ‘The Lame Edition.’

Blind pooch comes with own guide dog ~ Talk about a useless creature.

Meet the perfect rainforest predator ~ Haven’t they been telling us for years that it’s man?

Act goes awry, human cannonball dies ~ There’s no way anyone could have seen this coming.

Gary Busey endorses Donald Trump for president ~ Gary left a chunk of his brain on the street after a helmetless motorcycle accident.  Still, we thought he was smarter than that.

“My Cat’s Breath Smells Like Cat Food!”

Sick grandma dropped in Arctic in botched rescue ~ Okay, we’re actually gonna read this one.

What Makes a Person Ugly? ~ Well, it’s tough to explain, but there’s a reason dogs bark at you in the street and children flee screaming upon your approach.

‘Atlas Shrugged’ finally comes to the screen ~ The audience shrugs.

Small Iowa town ‘lucky’ after big tornado ~ But in the moments before the tornado they were decidedly unlucky.

Shark expert surprised by great white attack on woman ~ If he’s really an expert, he should know they do that.

Pissing Yourself Is An Acceptable Response.

Civil War’s dirty secret about slavery ~ Was that a secret?–Because our 8th grade history teacher just wouldn’t shut up about it.

Libya regime accuses Nato of siding with rebels ~ Wasn’t that the whole point?

What Happens When Autistic Kids Grow Up? ~ We just don’t know, and we can’t afford to let that happen.

Is Sitting a Lethal Activity? ~ It all depends upon what you’re sitting on.

Our Eagerness To Resort To Awful Puns Is Simply Shocking.

Are You Praising Your Child Properly? ~ Do you even know where the little fuckers are right now?

Putin does the rendition-and-secret-jail thing, too ~ We’re not so different after all.

Woman denies biting off testicles ~ So was she a man before she did it?

Spend Valentine’s Day with Enrique Iglesias and a Big Bottle of Astroglide Personal Lubricant ~ We are so there.

“Nadie Puede Amarte Como Yo Pueda, Smaktakula.”

This Day In History: April 12th, 1861 CE

12 Tuesday Apr 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, History

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

1861, American Civil War, April 12th, Confederate States of America, Confederates, CSA, Ft. Sumter, incest, Johnny Reb, sister-marryin', slavery, South Carolina, states' rights, this day in history, United States of America, War Between the States, Yankees

On which South Carolinians use martial means to express their displeasure with the Yankee occupation.

This Wasn't Just About Slavery, But States' Rights As Well. Also Sister-Marryin'.

“Fellahs!  Fellahs!  We’re all Americans here–let’s remember to keep things civil.”

Stand Tall, Mississippi!

11 Friday Feb 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

bigotry, despotism, Elvis Aaron Presley, embarrassing historical record, impoverished first-world hellhole, impoverished third-world hellhole, inbreeding, intolerance, ladyparts, Mississippi, Mississippi > North Korea, North Korea, places that suck, Pyongyang, slavery, The South, theocratic cultural backwaters, Uncle-Daddy, William Faulkner, you can't tell us that 'Pyongyang' doesn't sound like a filthy word to you

By Smaktakula

Unlike Despotic North Korea, Mississippi Has Long Been A Bastion Of Liberty And Complete Equality For All People.

Although impoverished third-world hellhole North Korea and impoverished first-world hellhole Mississippi are roughly the same size, have similar literacy rates and offer an almost identical standard of living, the Southern US state has an edge over the isolated Asian regime: North Korea has yet to produce either an Elvis or a Faulkner.

"He Knew Then--Just As He Had Always Known But Drew From His Ignorance (Or His Supposed Ignorance Or Rather His Imposed Ignorance, Because It Was A Thing Which He Had Taken Upon Himself, Glad In The Lethe-Like Completeness Of Its Abnegation And Erasure) That Sustenance With Which The Ignorant, Or Perhaps Just The Apparently Ignorant, Seem To Subsist, Growing No Fatter Nor Leaner For It--That His Home Country With Its Dusty Roads Trod Firm By The Eternal Unyielding Drum Of Bare Feet On That Blood-Earned Earth, Themselves Beset By Hookworm Or A Dozen Other Rots And Blights For Which They Did Not Know The Name Or Even That A Name For The Thing Should Exist At All, The Sweating September Pines Whispering The True History Of The Place, The One Not Man Nor Woman Nor Child, Negro Nor Caucasian, Youth Nor Town Father, Would Dare Or Even Think To Give Voice But Knew As Well As Anyone Else, And With A Thousand Other Afflictions Besides Was Still His Home Country After All, And He No More Divisible From It Than Red From A Ruby, And That He Could Feel About It However He Wished But That It Loved Him Still And Whether He Knew It (And He Did Know It; Had Known It Like The Other Thing) Or Cared To Admit It Anyway Would Draw Him Like The Moths Which In His Youth Danced About the Oil Lamps At The Hunting Camp Until They, Like He, Would Almost Against Their Will Be Plunged Into It And There Finally Be Settled Alongside His Progenitors, Hated And Beloved Both, At Long Last Making Literal His Heretofore Symbolic Bond To The Land; Knowing This, He Said, 'SCREW Y'ALL, NORTH KOREA! Y'ALL KIN KISS MAH REBEL ASS!'"

"Pyongyang? Huh. Whuddaya Spose That Is, Fellas? The Chinese Word For Ladyparts?"

“Ha! Ladyparts!  Good one, E!”

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