Adolf Hitler, African-Americans, cancer patients, cannabis, Cannabis Mafia, carnies, corporate douchebaggry, DARE, demon weed, dope, douchebaggery, Drugs Are Ruining Everything, drunken Irishmen, Fentanyl, fratboys, gateway drug, grass, hemp, hippies, Jack Daniels, Just Say No!, keep marijuana illegal, marijuana, marijuana legalization, medical marijuana, morphine, OxyContin, patchouli, pot, pot smokers, potheads, rectal cancer, reefer, seriously--hippies are odious, Smaktakula's hypocrisy can sometimes be astounding, smoke, Snoop Dogg, stinky people, sweet sweet cheeba, teetotalers, weed, white people, Willie Nelson
You’ve got to hand it to the Cannabis Mafia–they almost pulled it off. They came dangerously close to fooling enough of the electorate to transform California into a patchouli paradise. Fortunately, it appears Californians have seen through the smokescreen.
The media has been assaulted by an all-out blitz of pro-hemp propaganda. Some of these efforts attempt to play on the sympathies of caring Californians, by confusing a drug issue with a medical one. By reinforcing the notion that stoners who happen to have cancer and somehow think they deserve to possess a controlled substance “aren’t hurting anyone,” the pro-pot forces inch closer to their insidious goals.
Not hurting anybody? What about the cancer-ridden hemp-head? It’s understandable that in a moment of pain so debilitating as to defy description, an individual might give in to the propaganda in a desperate effort to dull the ravaging effects of an insidious illness.
But at what cost? In a random sampling of terminal cancer patients on hospice care who smoked marijuana, a Promethean Times survey found that a full 98% of these dying men and women were also using heavy painkillers like morphine, OxyContin and Fentanyl. This revelation flies in the face of every skeptic who disputes the established fact that marijuana is a gateway drug; the link between weed and so-called “harder” drugs could not be more plain.
This publication is not alone in its crusade against marijuana legalization. Joining the fight are various church and school groups. In particular, some African-American interest groups are vociferously against marijuana legalization, knowing all too well its dangers, as blacks are incarcerated for marijuana offenses at a disproportionately higher rate than whites, despite consuming less of the stuff.*
The following facts about dope have been provided by the venerable anti-drug organization DARE (Drugs Are Ruining Everything):
1) People who smoke pot are 325% more likely to cannibalize children (their own or others) than people who do not smoke pot.
2) Children of parents who have smoked pot even once are almost TWICE as likely to grow up to be carnies than children of responsible parents.
3) Stoned drivers are 56% less likely than drunk drivers to survive being hit by a drunk driver.
4) Smoking pot virtually guarantees time wasted interacting with hippies.
5) Pot smoking is the sole cause for rectal cancer.
6) Hitler didn’t smoke pot. But can you imagine how many people he would have killed if he did?
7) Smoking pot will make your eyes fall out.
Legalization’s deleterious effects will be felt far beyond urban areas; it will also target some of America’s most important industries. Just as a glut of junk food edges out wholesome foods, so will marijuana legalization put the squeeze on America’s alcohol distributors and manufactures.
Many people will no doubt believe that the sacrifice of one supposed vice for another is a of little consequence. But when one considers the ramifications of even the tiniest reduction in California’s alcohol intake, it readily becomes apparent that legalization will put the state on the fast track to disaster.
Less drinking will severely impact California’s liquor stores, as well as its many fine taverns. Again, these businesses may be written off as “dens of sin.” But what about insurance agents, car salesmen, funeral directors, condolence card company executives, EMTs and America’s dedicated doctors and nurses? Removing even one drunk driver from the road is another blow these hard-working professionals simply cannot endure.
Consider the retail industry. Almost 40% of major retail purchases are made while drunk. It is laughable to assume that sober buyers would spend with the same abandon. It isn’t huge chain stores that’s killing local businesses, but rather teetotalers.
And what about fraternities? Will they still command the same mysterious allure if it’s known in advance that there will be no sweaty, half-naked vomit-bonding with the bros? Hardly.
There’s also the danger that marijuana legalization might spread beyond the borders of California, and perhaps the United States itself. Imagine if other countries lessened their alcohol consumption: without alcohol to keep the Irish quarrelsome and disorganized, the world would be up to its ass in shamrocks. Nobody wants that.
Je ne sais quoi said:
Mexican drug cartels don’t sell marijuana because they’re passionate about cannabis culture or botany, or because they love stacking bricks of mid-grade in the back of a pick-up truck. Absolutely the only reason they’re in the marijuana business is because we gave them a monopoly on it. When we take that away from them, they will make less money and their organizations will get smaller.
We agree! Interestingly, the sole reason that the cartels are in the meth business is because they are frustrated chemists at heart.
Um, I know this is off-topic, but am I the only one who notices that every member of the frat boy quartet has something written on the wang-pouch of their underwear? And my second question is: who was the author of said wang-pouch message?
Pledging a fraternity is serious business! And there are some things which must be done, but remain repressed and unspoken until, raving on your deathbed you reveal uncomfortable secrets to your loved ones. And so goes the circle of life.
Hopefully the wang pouch writer wrote on the whitey tighties before the wearer put them on. I don’t think dudes would be wanting to write on other dudes’ sausage even when it’s covered by a flap of whitey-tightie – that seems kind of kinky in a totally gay way. Then again, what kind of dudes still wear whitey-tighties? Little boys in training pants, old men, and career virgins?
Trinity River said:
Mexican Drug Cartels wouldn’t be selling maryjane if there wasn’t any money in it. We have the “war on drugs” to thank for that. Make something illegal and the price sky rockets.
Plus, the alcohol and pharma companies get to keep their share of the pain-abatement market, so everybody wins!
Adrienne schmadrienne said:
Legalize marijuana and hoards of people would run the risk of lung cancer from inhaling all the nag champa incense being burned. Plus the smell of patchouli that would permeate the streets would cause people to go insane. At least, that’s my best guess on how the scenario would play out.
That’s a good point, and one which, heretofore, we’ve not heard raised. However, by the same token, folks might start to realize that patchouli reeks like ass.
Adrienne schmadrienne said:
It’s the smell of laziness.