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Tag Archives: demon weed

New TSA Procedures Hit Stoners Particularly Hard

22 Monday Nov 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture, News, Stupidity

≈ 8 Comments

Tags

America's shittier cities, bleary-eyed beatniks, burnouts, cannabis, crotch can also be a verb, demon weed, Department of Homeland Security, Don't touch my junk!, doobage, dope, Flight of the Conchords, ganja, grass, hemp, hempheads, John Tyner, marijuana, pot, quarter sack, reefer, Snoop Dogg, stoners, sweet sweet cheeba, Tommy Chong, Transportation Security Administration, TSA, viral, wasters, wastoids, What the fuck TSA? Flying is scary enough already!, Willie Nelson

By Smaktakula

Tommy Won't Be Flying Any Time Soon. Not In An Airplane, We Mean.

The TSA’s  invasive new search procedure has yet to detect any foreign terrorists, and has ignited the passions of an already-frustrated air traveling public following a videotaped encounter between TSA officials and John Tyner.  Tyner, whose junk was apparently so sensitive that he took great pains to prevent the TSA from coming in contact with it, posted the encounter on the internet where it went viral.  The TSA has been scrambling to downplay the incident and defuse tensions.  But amid the maelstrom of explanation and recrimination, one happy piece of news is going unheard.

As A Pilot, This Gentleman Is Exempt From The Pat Down. Fo Shizzle.

Your next flight will likely be free of cannabis users.  Data suggest that because of the TSA’s strict new policy, most stoners–America’s home-grown menace, are electing not to fly.  In some very rare instances, a few burnouts are attempting to fly without bringing weed to their destination.

Having previously stripped air-travelling potheads of such reliable hiding places as shoes, toiletries, and false-bottomed beverage containers, the TSA’s new requirements take it up a notch.  By paying such meticulous attention the air-traveling public’s groinage, the TSA has effectively removed the last* method stoners have for bringing weed with them to their sundry destinations.

He Will Strike Without Warning Or Pity.

“I don’t think there’s any question that the flying public is safer without marijuana users on airplanes,” said an unnamed TSA official, “Can you imagine what would happen if one of those potheads began to eat another passenger?  That doesn’t sound too groovy to me.”

But marijuana activists disagree.  “Lame,” says Jeremy, a 21 year-old student.  “It’s fascist,” adds fellow student, 22 year-old Gooch, “The people aren’t going to stand for it.  I’m writing a letter to my congressman.  Or I will.  Right now Flight of the Conchords is on, so . . . you know.”

Pro-Marijuana Activists Contend That Visiting America's Shittier Cities Without At Least A Little Cheeba Is Unnecessarily Cruel.

Those burnouts brave enough to travel without Mary Jane are most likely counting on a hookup in their destination city.  Invariably, despite the best policing and preventative measures, a few of these bleary-eyed beatniks will have friends or relatives to arrange a hookup upon their arrival, or possibly kick them down a few nugs.  But the vast majority will reach their destination and be unable to find cheeba in an unfamilliar city.  They will have a really shitty time.

Perhaps then drug abusers will finally get the message. Marijuana ruins lives.

"When A Man Can't Just Crotch A Quarter Sack And Catch His Flight . . . Well, This Ain't The America I Know."

* There is another way, but it’s strictly for the hardcore.

Still Not What You Were Looking For?

30 Friday Jul 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Art, Baseball, Cinema, Culture, Drug Culture, Drugs, Duh, General Foolishness, History, Hollywood, Humor, International Relations, National Politics, People, Places, Political Correctness, Sports, Television, World Affairs

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

'Lil Kim, Abigail Folger, America's ambivlence toward soccer, Barack Obama, Billie Joe Armstrong, Bush Brothers and Company, celebrity skin, Charles Manson, Chesley Sullenberger, Corey Haim, courtesy tips, cults, Dana Carvey, demon weed, dope, Duke, fauxhawk, Flower of American Skankhood, Frances Bean Cobain, Freddie Mercury, Garfield, George Sherrill, grammar, grass, Haimster, hippies, Improved Order of Red Men, internet pornography, Iran, Irene Folstrom, John Bobbit, Johnston's procedure, Kim Jong-il, lasagna, LiLo, Lindsay Lohan, Live Aid, Makwala Derrickson Hall, Manson Family, marijuana, marijuana legalization, Mensa, Mike Meyers, Morris the Cat, mullets, Nermal, North Korea, not what you were looking for?, Odie, Oxford ponce, Pakistan, penis, pervert, pot, prison food, Prometheus Society, Queen, racism, Ramtha, Randy Johnson, rapists, rave culture, raves, reefer, Reverend Fred Phelps, severed penis, skankery, Sully Sullenberger, sweet sweet cheeba, that shitty beard too!, the Big Unit, tiny penis, Tommy Lee, Tommy Lee's massive tool, treachery, untalented stars, US Airways Flight 1549, volcanic activity, volcanoes, vulgarity is the secret ingredient, Waco, Waco Massacre, Wal-Mart, Washington State, Westboro Baptist Church, Yelm

By Smaktakula

In which we once again present some of the various search-engine keywords used to find Promethean Times. Some, we suspect, were not on purpose.  See our first installment here: Not What You Were Looking For?.

live aid Geez, you put up one stupid Live Aid post, and suddenly you’ve got idiots knocking down your door for the rest of time.  Is Freddie Mercury really that beloved?  Thank you so much, Mike Meyers.  You too, Carvey.

humboldt promethean society Not sure if we can help you.  The Prometheus Society is club for freaks too smart for Mensa.  Smaktakula takes a dim view of organizations whose rigorous standards preclude his admission.  While there may in fact be many such individuals living in isolated cabins deep within the remote wilderness of Humboldt, these reclusive geniuses are no doubt so removed from society at large that they’re unlikely to turn up on an internet search.  Fortunately, anyone that smart knows to stay away from the demon weed, the great bane of the Humboldt.

narco children Frances Bean Cobain just wants to live a normal life.  Please try to respect that.

redman fraternal organization Right here.  Whites only, please.

criticism should 1549 “Sullenberger” We will tolerate no criticism of the heroic Captain Sullenberger.  The birds sent you, didn’t they?

wind up monkey Clang!  Clang!

underage boys blog We can’t help you, but thanks for checking.  Please remember to remain at least 500 feet from schools and city parks at all times.

america soccer ambivalence Happy to oblige.

bad mullet Is there any other kind?

when mullets attack We’re listening.

hell of a mullet Hell yeah!

skanky ho lindsay lohan Isn’t she, though?

raves should be illegal and banned Big Dittos, Rush!

old rainier brewery rave  Smaktakula may have attended one of these.  As a narc, of course.

will marijuana be legal in 2010 Not if Promethean Times has anything to say about it, Hippie!

ramtha volcanic eruption  We’ve got it.

ramtha marijuana Interesting.  Tell us more.

bush brothers & co new product New?  Treachery is as old as time itself.

passionate people and constructive crit Tell it to your diary, Nancy.

bull rider die And how!

waco massacre Dammit, Janet!

driving courtesy tips THANK YOU.

george sherrill beard—Yeah, we hate it too.

jesse sherrill senior rape trial 2010 You’re thinking of Jessie Sherrill, an accused rapist from Christian County, Kentucky.  We’ve got George Sherrill, whose late-inning incompetence doesn’t look half as bad when juxtaposed with a rapist.

kim jong il in united states Supposedly he’s in the United States secretly to buy DVDs and to fight female rapper ‘Lil Kim to the death over the use of the diminutive.  It is imperative that the United States Government not allow Kim to purchase those DVDs.

garfield the cat pitchman Fuck his fat lasagna-craving ass.  Promethean Times has never apologized for our Morrisist leanings and we never will.  Fuck Nermal and Odie, too.

haimster, 1971-2010 It still hurts.

pakastani home mad porn movies Ah!  A connoisseur!

irene folstrom Isn’t she the coffee heiress that the Manson kids chopped up?

mister wal mart He got laid off.

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obama surprised Say Whaaaaaaaat?

sexy man cock Fred, just stop.  While we must admit we were initially flattered by your attention, your persistence has become a real turn-off.  The answer is no.

billie joe armstrong’s penis We hear it’s tiny.  Tommy Lee’s joint, however–now, that’s a penis.

johnston’s procedure penis A procedure to remedy “Torsion of the penis” which sounds pretty awful, and makes Smaktakula a bit of a dick for including it here.

north korean prison food Don’t be foolish.  There hasn’t been food in North Korea for years.

john bobbit penis + picture It’s in your bathroom above the sink.  Try looking at eye level.

have proven have proved Look, Smaktakula’s grammar is pretty goddamn good, but everybody makes mistakes.  You think this is easy?  You think it’s just talking like an Oxford ponce and liberally peppering the whole thing with vulgarities?  Okay, so maybe it is–but let’s see you try it, cock-knocker.  But then, we have an unfortunate tendency to over-analyze.

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Californians Wisely Rethinking Marijuana Legalization

29 Thursday Jul 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Constitutional Issues, Crime, Culture, Drug Culture, Drugs, Health, Justice, National Events, Politics, Regional Politics

≈ 10 Comments

Tags

Adolf Hitler, African-Americans, cancer patients, cannabis, Cannabis Mafia, carnies, corporate douchebaggry, DARE, demon weed, dope, douchebaggery, Drugs Are Ruining Everything, drunken Irishmen, Fentanyl, fratboys, gateway drug, grass, hemp, hippies, Jack Daniels, Just Say No!, keep marijuana illegal, marijuana, marijuana legalization, medical marijuana, morphine, OxyContin, patchouli, pot, pot smokers, potheads, rectal cancer, reefer, seriously--hippies are odious, Smaktakula's hypocrisy can sometimes be astounding, smoke, Snoop Dogg, stinky people, sweet sweet cheeba, teetotalers, weed, white people, Willie Nelson

By Smaktakula

You’ve got to hand it to the Cannabis Mafia–they almost pulled it off.  They came dangerously close to fooling enough of the electorate to transform California into a patchouli paradise. Fortunately, it appears Californians have seen through the smokescreen.

He's More Clever Than He Looks. But Just As Filthy.

The media has been assaulted by an all-out blitz of pro-hemp propaganda. Some of these efforts attempt to play on the sympathies of caring Californians, by confusing a drug issue with a medical one.  By reinforcing the notion that stoners who happen to have cancer and somehow think they deserve to possess a controlled substance “aren’t hurting anyone,” the pro-pot forces inch closer to their insidious goals.

Not hurting anybody? What about the cancer-ridden hemp-head?  It’s understandable that in a moment of pain so debilitating as to defy description, an individual might give in to the propaganda in a desperate effort to dull the ravaging effects of an insidious illness.

But at what cost?  In a random sampling of terminal cancer patients on hospice care who smoked marijuana, a Promethean Times survey found that a full 98% of these dying men and women were also using heavy painkillers like morphine, OxyContin and Fentanyl.  This revelation flies in the face of every skeptic who disputes the established fact that marijuana is a gateway drug; the link between weed and so-called “harder” drugs could not be more plain.

This publication is not alone in its crusade against marijuana legalization. Joining the fight are various church and school groups.  In particular, some African-American interest groups are vociferously against marijuana legalization, knowing all too well its dangers, as blacks are incarcerated  for marijuana offenses at a disproportionately higher rate than whites, despite consuming less of the stuff.*

The following facts about dope have been provided by the venerable anti-drug organization DARE (Drugs Are Ruining Everything):

1) People who smoke pot are 325% more likely to cannibalize children (their own or others) than people who do not smoke pot.

2) Children of parents who have smoked pot even once are almost TWICE as likely to grow up to be carnies than children of responsible parents.

3) Stoned drivers are 56% less likely than drunk drivers to survive being hit by a drunk driver.

4) Smoking pot virtually guarantees time wasted interacting with hippies.

5) Pot smoking is the sole cause for rectal cancer.

6) Hitler didn’t smoke pot.  But can you imagine how many people he would have killed if he did?

7) Smoking pot will make your eyes fall out.

Thanks To Soft-Hearted Do-Gooders, This Stoner Just Hit The Jackpot.

Legalization’s deleterious effects will be felt far beyond urban areas; it will also target some of America’s most important industries. Just as a glut of junk food edges out wholesome foods, so will marijuana legalization put the squeeze on America’s alcohol distributors and manufactures.

Many people will no doubt believe that the sacrifice of one supposed vice for another is a of little consequence.  But when one considers the ramifications of even the tiniest reduction in California’s alcohol intake, it readily becomes apparent that legalization will put the state on the fast track to disaster.

Less drinking will severely impact California’s liquor stores, as well as its many fine taverns. Again, these businesses may be written off as “dens of sin.” But what about insurance agents, car salesmen, funeral directors, condolence card company executives, EMTs and America’s dedicated doctors and nurses? Removing even one drunk driver from the road is another blow these hard-working professionals simply cannot endure.

Drunken Fratboys: The World Would Be A Sadder Place Without Their Merry Brand Of Self-Entitled Douchebaggery.

Consider the retail industry. Almost 40% of major retail purchases are made while drunk. It is laughable to assume that sober buyers would spend with the same abandon. It isn’t huge chain stores that’s killing local businesses, but rather teetotalers.

And what about fraternities? Will they still command the same mysterious allure if it’s known in advance that there will be no sweaty, half-naked vomit-bonding with the bros? Hardly.

There’s also the danger that marijuana legalization might spread beyond the borders of California, and perhaps the United States itself. Imagine if other countries lessened their alcohol consumption: without alcohol to keep the Irish quarrelsome and disorganized, the world would be up to its ass in shamrocks. Nobody wants that.

I'm Jack Daniels, And I Approved This Message.

* Interestingly, when country music star Willie Nelson is removed from the white sample, this trend reverses.  If rapper Snoop Dogg is then removed from the black sample, it returns to the expected ratio. ∞ T.

Driving With Tommy Chong Not Necessarily A Death Sentence

14 Monday Jun 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture, Drug Culture, Drugs, General Foolishness, Human Rights

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

burnouts, cannabis, Cannabis Mafia, demon weed, doobage, doobie-digging drivers, dope, driving, driving under the influence, drugs, DUI, grass, hemp, Kiefer Sutherland, LA Daily, legalize it, lonely voice in the wilderness, pot, reefer, shadowy agenda, smoke, stoned drivers, stoners, sweet sweet cheeba, Tommy Chong, universal stonerdom, weed

Promethean Times has long been regarded as the last of the truth-tellers, a lonely voice in the wilderness trumpeting to all who will hear it the nefarious doings of the Cannabis Mafia, as well as its dangerous and irresponsible dream of universal stonerdom.    

Shockingly, new data indicate that these media-savvy burnouts have advanced their shadowy agenda further than even the most strident critics had believed possible.    

Sleeper operatives within the LA Daily organization have planted a news story designed take the edge off America’s very-justified fears about doobie-digging drivers.  This story, which relies upon a supposed “study” indicating that marijuana has a far-less pronounced effect on driving ability than previously believed, may lead America’s children into believing that stoned driving is “groovy.”    

AP File Photo: LA County School Bus Drivers

Promethean Times would like to remind you that driving under the influence of the demon weed is not a “gasser,” “hoot” or  “trip;” it is illegal.    

No Thanks, Hemp-Head–I’m Catching A Ride With Kiefer Sutherland: Driving Under The Influence Of Marijuana Not Such A Bad Thing – Los Angeles News – LA Daily.    

Smaktakula

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